Dealing with video games and unhealthy activities, non-coercively

[ShadowMom]

My 5 year old DS has discovered the video games on the computer... and he's totally addicted. It's been a few weeks now and he just loves them (they're pretty much age appropriate games that relate to tv shows, such as Wubbzy, Dora, or the Fairly Oddparents).

Of course, since it's something new he likes to play all of the time right now.

Sometimes he gets annoyed with the computer (with whatever game he's playing) and will get really irritated at it. If he starts making loud noises, or banging on the table or whatever, I tell him he needs to get off of the computer for a little while so that he can calm down.

Other than that, I haven't put limits on it, but he's been acting kind of obnoxious lately and I can't help thinking the stupid video games have something to do with it (I detest video games).

For those moms who prefer non-coercive methods of parenting, how do you deal with this sort of situation? Will it die down once the newness wears off? If not, I guess I am going to have to put time limits on his game playing because I don't think it's healthy to play video games all of the time.

How have other mamas handled a similar situation? I would prefer for it to be a learning experience rather than just handing out time limits but I'm not really sure how to accomplish that.

[phathui5]

We do have daily limits for things like computer and video games. Each kid is allowed half an hour and when that's over, they're done for the day. There have been exceptions so that they could play a game with dh, but I generally enforce it.

[peaceful_mama]

I've found with mine, if I come up with some other more enticing activity, like "let's go to the park" or "want to help me cook?" he'll go gladly.

He'll also go in spurts--I might let him play more on a rainy day for example (pretty much don't argue at all about it actually) and then he'll be bored with it and want to be out when it's sunny again.

Or he'll want me to help him with something and i can't drop everything in that moment to do it, sometimes he will choose to do something else rather than switch games.

I have not seen DS get frustrated with the computer but if I did and it resulted in activity that could break the computer, that is where I would be somewhat 'coercive' as in "you can't use it if you're going to do that to it" (how long might depend, I'd probably start with a brief cool-off period) mine tends to just switch games, or he's pretty good about asking for help if he really wants to do it.

[mom2grrls]

I see nothing wrong with placing time limits, I do with all the kids.

[heartmama]

With a child that young I limit unhealthy behavior by controlling the environment. We did not have things in the home which were marketed/targeted towards a child yet could be so unhealthy as to require constant problem solving/compromising/distraction/etc.

To me, I just do not want to live with that kind of conflict in the home. Some children self regulate very well. Other children do not. If you have a child that self regulates easily this is a non issue. You can leave candy in the pantry and computer games nearby and it isn't a problem. If your child is not good at self regulation (will become so absorbed they forget to eat, use the toilet, throw tantrums, become surly and uncooperative due to over stimulation etc. or with food they will ask for candy all the time, eat the entire bag, major sugar crashes etc. ) then the least coercive option, imo, is to step back and remove that source of chronic tension from the home. Replace it with an activity that does not require limits and rules. Again, with children this young, I rarely see that lots of talking and reasoning work with the non-regulating kind of child. If you think talking and reasoning will work, try it. But if you find the computer is leading to a deterioration in your child's behavior that is a pretty clear sign they are not ready to handle this issue.

[nd_deadhead]

When we first got a computer at home, we got a timer the next day.

At that age, our kids could play in 20 minute increments - separated by some other (preferably physical) activity. Because we have twins, they wer epretty good at policing each other, because when the timer went off, that meant the other one got to play! They quickly became very good at quitting when the timer rang (or as soon thereafter as they could save their game).

However, I have friends whose son gets very addicted to video games, and has a very hard time respecting time limits. One school break she rented a video game system and gave her kids free rein - thinking that the novelty would wear off and they would slow down, but it never happened. At least the experiment showed them that they needed to monitor his screen time very closely. So timers won't work for every kid - but it's an excellent place to start.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

DD initially played them way more than I was comfortable with. But after the newness wore off, she played them much less. Now she chooses to play for about an hour every 3 days or so.

You could give it a while longer and see if he's going to be one of those kids who regulates just fine, or is going to need some assistance. DD took about 3 months to get to the take it or leave it stage on her own.

[BohoMama]

Do you want to limit the games or get rid of them entirely? I'm asking because you described them as "unhealthy activities," which I would agree with.

If you would rather not have him play, you could tell him that the computer no longer does games, and then suggest something else you might do together. I don't know if this fits the bill as "non-coercive" but I have had to put the quash on a few things that I didn't like (mostly food-related, we do not have any video games). At first my son protested but he got over it quickly and found different things he liked. If you want to go with time limits be prepared for a lot of attempts at haggling and be ready to stand your ground even if you once want "just a few more minutes" to get something done it will come back to haunt you.

It's also, IMO, never too early to talk about addiction. The subject came up when my son asked why some people smoke cigarettes if everyone knows it's so unhealthy. I told him that each cigarette puts a little voice into the smoker's head that says "smoke more cigarettes" and when there are a lot of these voices they are louder or stronger than the part of their mind that knows smoking is unhealthy, stinky, etc. At the age of 6 Andrej realized that there are things that work on children in the same way (ex: gummi bears - forbidden to him b/c they are not vegetarian and they wreak havoc on his eczema. They are an enticing "forbidden fruit" and he has on occasion gotten ahold of them and consumed them even though he knows his skin will pay for it later.) I'm not saying that you have to tell your child that he has an addiction to video games, but it might be worth exploring the concept together.

[seriosa]

Most things are harmless in moderation, and harmful in excess. We have been teaching this concept to DS since forever: Some chocolate now and then is good because it makes you happy. Too much will carie your teeth, overexcite you, make you unhealthy. And the same applies to TV and video games too. He really enjoys his games and his TV, and would not self-regulate. We have helped him by giving him a limit ( a set time period and a set duration) and reasons for the limitation. This avoids him obsessing about "can I turn on now" or "I don't want to stop". We are occasionaly flexible, but the limits have become a habit and are not a problem to enforce. I think that allowing you DS to discover his own limits may work, but may not if it is something he really enjoys (and doesn't have immediately evident bad effects like a tummyache or a rash!) . So your working out the limit with him may be healthier.

[AmieV]

Originally Posted by heartmama

With a child that young I limit unhealthy behavior by controlling the environment. We did not have things in the home which were marketed/targeted towards a child yet could be so unhealthy as to require constant problem solving/compromising/distraction/etc.

To me, I just do not want to live with that kind of conflict in the home. Some children self regulate very well. Other children do not. If you have a child that self regulates easily this is a non issue. You can leave candy in the pantry and computer games nearby and it isn't a problem. If your child is not good at self regulation (will become so absorbed they forget to eat, use the toilet, throw tantrums, become surly and uncooperative due to over stimulation etc. or with food they will ask for candy all the time, eat the entire bag, major sugar crashes etc. ) then the least coercive option, imo, is to step back and remove that source of chronic tension from the home. Replace it with an activity that does not require limits and rules. Again, with children this young, I rarely see that lots of talking and reasoning work with the non-regulating kind of child. If you think talking and reasoning will work, try it. But if you find the computer is leading to a deterioration in your child's behavior that is a pretty clear sign they are not ready to handle this issue.

These are excellent points. I keep forgetting why we don't bake anymore, and every time I do, my 3yo is on me all day long for more cupcakes, even if she just had one. My 4yo is a total self regulator and has no problems with moderation, but the little one not so much. I would probably consider weaning him back to games just at a certain time of day, like he can play for awhile after lunch or something like that to where it's a routine spot in the day that he can expect and enjoy, but when it's over, it's done.

[Mama.Pajama]

Originally Posted by seriosa

Most things are harmless in moderation, and harmful in excess. We have been teaching this concept to DS since forever: Some chocolate now and then is good because it makes you happy. Too much will carie your teeth, overexcite you, make you unhealthy. And the same applies to TV and video games too. He really enjoys his games and his TV, and would not self-regulate. We have helped him by giving him a limit ( a set time period and a set duration) and reasons for the limitation. This avoids him obsessing about "can I turn on now" or "I don't want to stop". We are occasionaly flexible, but the limits have become a habit and are not a problem to enforce. I think that allowing you DS to discover his own limits may work, but may not if it is something he really enjoys (and doesn't have immediately evident bad effects like a tummyache or a rash!) . So your working out the limit with him may be healthier.

I really like what seriosa said here. I'm on board with this.

[mommy2abigail]

ITTTTTA with Heartmama. There was a time when I was misunderstanding non-coercive with no limitations whatsoever regardless of age/ability/personality. Once I let go of that notion, our lives became SO much better. We eliminated TV for a few weeks, and now, she doesn't even really ask for it. In fact dd1 (4 years) has been sick for a few days, and has only watched one movie. The rest of the time, she is laying down, truly resting or reading or listening to books on tape.
At 5 years old, a child has no clue that 3 hours of video games now will make him cranky later. And quite frankly, they probably don't care (which is age expected!). We had a very real life experience for us regarding sweets. DD, has never just been allowed to eat sweets all the time, however, recently, she got a cavity (which is due mostly to hereditary tooth decay issues) but the dentist was able to help her realize that she needed to be extra careful not to over do it on the sugar. And she is really cautious now, especially being that she is only 4. However, if she pushes for sweets, I have no problem reminding her of her surgery and telling her no sweets. She, at 4 years old, just does not understand the full implications of her actions, and it's my job as the parent and more experienced adult to help her stay safe and healthy- physically, spiritually, and emotionally. HTH

[dahlialia]

We set time limits for video games, and we talk about why: video games suck you in and entertain you, and make you not notice how much time is passing. I don't think they are inherently a bad thing, in moderation, but due to their nature it's very easy to not have moderation without working at it.

Heck, dh and I set time limits for ourselves when we pick up a video game to play. It's a useful technique

[kcstar]

I recommend setting limits and being (relatively) consistent about enforcing them. DS is not quite two, so he gets less than an hour of screentime most days, and we're pretty choosy about what he watches.

As for games, all DS is really ready for is our Karaoke games (we set it to "practice" so there's no score) and the Wii Fit, he can do a few of the balance games.

Video and computer games can teach good problem-solving skills, and can help to teach teamwork with their friends. The primary issue is knowing one's child and their maturity level, and picking the right games for the child.
If you haven't found them already, an excellent web resource for gaming with children is here:
http://www.gamingwithchildren.com/20...-online-guide/

GamerDad includes reviews of games that will give you an idea of why each game has the given rating level, because each child is different and each parent is comfortable with different things. It might even point you to some of the cooperative games that exist.

The secondary issue with electronic games is balancing one's life. Children need time to go outdoors, run around, be active. Children also need to learn, however it is that your family does learning (school & homework, homeschooling, unschooling). Setting boundaries and encouraging other interests are certainly appropriate ways to do this.

[4evermom]

I don't limit at all. Ds plays way less than he did a couple years ago. I did focus on making sure he had opportunities to do other more active things so the computer games weren't completely a default activity. I talk about the importance of exercise and healthful eating, make sure those things are attractive options, then let him make the choices. He has always been happy to drop computers/tv for a real playmate or something engaging with me or dh.

[Breastisbest2008]

Great link to have, I' going to give to my sister she has older boys. Thanks.

[mamazee]

You specifically asked for non-coercive suggestions, so I'll tell you what's worked for us. I don't limit, but I do woo dd away from things that it seems she's doing to an unhealthy degree. There are some things that dd will do instead of absolutely anything else - usually things that are a bit messy, like cooking, or making some kind of gooey stuff, etc. If she's watching more tv than I like (she isn't that into video games) I say, "Hey, how about if we cook something today?" And the TV is instantly not interesting. But messy play in general seems to be especially interesting for kids.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by mom2grrls

I see nothing wrong with placing time limits, I do with all the kids.

Same here. I've also moved toward zinemama's idea of them "earning" their screen time. That way, it puts it all in their hands.

[siobhang]

Okay, short, shameful confession... I like the fact that video games are so all consuming, because it can give me an opportunity to get other stuff done around the house at times...

So my motivation for restricting them is to NOT lose their allure (that, and I do agree that things are best in moderation, and kids at this age are hard pressed to self-regulate).

So, we tend to restrict games to certain times of the day - mainly the "witching hours" between 5 and 7 - when we have a lot of transitions (our nanny leaves at 6pm, the other child who is with us leaves soon thereafter), everyone is tired, dinner is being prepared, and we are distracted with general life stuff. They can also watch a video or some TiVo'd shows. They do have their own computers in our family room, and my older one will watch metro trains on YouTube all day long if I let him...

I find that if I have them running around without anything distracting them, one kid is wailing on the other kid in no time...

Dh is a big video game fan, and I do think that the kids have learned a lot from the better ones - fine motor control, puzzle solving, planning moves ahead of time, learning how to get better at something with practice, cooperative play. We love the cooperative play ones - the kids don't fight over who plays, but rather play together, which then bleeds to their non-video games.

The only other thing I want to add is that we watch to see whether the kids are finding it hard to regulate their usage. They do have to learn self-regulation somehow, but we need to help them.

(btw, dh and I are total computer geeks, so we don't have an issue with a lot of screen time, as long as our kids get an equal amount of non-screen play time).

[AngelBee]

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