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I need help not hating parenthood

post #1 of 34
Thread Starter 
Don't know where to post this, so stickin' it here.

I hate being a mom. I really do. I've tried so hard to enjoy it, and there are some good times, but for the most part I am miserable. I've tried counseling, I'm on drugs, DH has offered to send me back to school although we really can't afford it.

I guess I feel like if Toby would just GROW UP, it would be better, you know? Right now I have a 17 month old who doesn't say a single word, he doesn't sign, he screams at the top of his lungs and throws tantrums all day. Some days are better than others, yes. But like today was HORRIBLE. I just want to pick up and leave. I hate feeling this way. I hate hating my own kid, but honestly some days I really, really do.

I don't know what to do with him! He doesn't "get" activities, I can't blow bubbles for him because he doesn't care. He hates being outside or going places or the stroller or the sling. He won't play in the bathtub. I read all these stories about toddlers doing things and it makes my heart hurt because I can't do any of the suggestions with him.

Sometimes I can take him to the gym and leave him at daycare and we can get a break, and that helps. But we can't afford full time daycare, even if I worked. And I don't want to leave him in daycare, I want to be able to take care of him myself. I want to be a good parent. But I feel like I suck at mothering, and I kind of hate who having a kid has turned me into. I'm like a harping, angry shrew who never gets anything done because she's busy trying to keep her offspring placated. And then DH gets home and I'm unshowered and smelly and the house is a disaster and Toby is still screaming and I'm too tired to make dinner. It's a nightmare.

is this how it's going to be for the rest of my life? Please tell me he's going to get better someday. please tell me I'm not going to hate parenthood forever, and please don't flame me.
post #2 of 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by Krisis View Post
Don't know where to post this, so stickin' it here.

I hate being a mom. I really do. I've tried so hard to enjoy it, and there are some good times, but for the most part I am miserable. I've tried counseling, I'm on drugs, DH has offered to send me back to school although we really can't afford it.

I guess I feel like if Toby would just GROW UP, it would be better, you know? Right now I have a 17 month old who doesn't say a single word, he doesn't sign, he screams at the top of his lungs and throws tantrums all day. Some days are better than others, yes. But like today was HORRIBLE. I just want to pick up and leave. I hate feeling this way. I hate hating my own kid, but honestly some days I really, really do.

I don't know what to do with him! He doesn't "get" activities, I can't blow bubbles for him because he doesn't care. He hates being outside or going places or the stroller or the sling. He won't play in the bathtub. I read all these stories about toddlers doing things and it makes my heart hurt because I can't do any of the suggestions with him.

Sometimes I can take him to the gym and leave him at daycare and we can get a break, and that helps. But we can't afford full time daycare, even if I worked. And I don't want to leave him in daycare, I want to be a good parent. But I feel like I suck at mothering, and I kind of hate who having a kid has turned me into. I'm like a harping, angry shrew who never gets anything done because she's busy trying to keep her offspring placated. And then DH gets home and I'm unshowered and smelly and the house is a disaster and Toby is still screaming and I'm too tired to make dinner. It's a nightmare.

is this how it's going to be for the rest of my life? Please tell me he's going to get better someday. please tell me I'm not going to hate parenthood forever, and please don't flame me.

ok, so at daycare is he different? does he throw tantrums and refuse to do anything?

I think that will provide insight for you. If I stayed home w/ dd all day she would be a screaming mess. By noon we have to pack up and go somewhere...anywhere. And after a few hours if there isn't enough interaction she gets antsy.
post #3 of 34


I hope things improve for you soon. Odds are very good that yes things will get better.
post #4 of 34
seems like the baby stage is just difficult for you. As they get older understand more and can participate in more activities it will get better. Try to get some time out even daycare for an hour or so so that you can get a shower. I know this is rough and we all have trouble with parenting at times, and those times are weeks sometimes. i wish you the best
post #5 of 34
It's good that you are so honest about your feelings and are not keeping them in until you implode! Venting can be very healing. Your babe will be able to do more and express himself better. Know that being at this stage is frustrating for him too and he will outgrow it and become more of a "person". I had a very close friend who went through this and she said that shortly thereafter he suddenly became more interesting. Just be patient and he will reward you with love and friendship! Take care of yourself and be kind to him and you.
post #6 of 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beene View Post
It's good that you are so honest about your feelings and are not keeping them in until you implode! Venting can be very healing.
ITA! And get yourself some breaks if you need them. Be grateful he has daycare. And when your DH comes home, give him his son and go out with friends, or just take a walk down the street, for an hour.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Krisis View Post
I guess I feel like if Toby would just GROW UP, it would be better, you know? Right now I have a 17 month old who doesn't say a single word, he doesn't sign, he screams at the top of his lungs and throws tantrums all day. Some days are better than others, yes. But like today was HORRIBLE. I just want to pick up and leave. I hate feeling this way. I hate hating my own kid, but honestly some days I really, really do.

I don't know what to do with him! He doesn't "get" activities, I can't blow bubbles for him because he doesn't care. He hates being outside or going places or the stroller or the sling. He won't play in the bathtub. I read all these stories about toddlers doing things and it makes my heart hurt because I can't do any of the suggestions with him.

Bolding mine. Did you mean he really has no words and no signs, or are you just frustrated and exagerating to make a point? If he doesn't like bubbles, or being outside, or the stroller or the sling.... I'd be inclined to say "so what". But if he doesn't like any of it, or much else either, nothing really stimulates and challenges him, and he is screaming and frustrated, and not talking, then I would say to get him an evaluation, asap. Could be nothing. But if he has some developmental delays, sensory issues, hearing or speech issues... the earlier you intervene, the better it will be for him. And for you too. As a mom of a DS who had severe ear infections, just finding out what the problem was relieved a lot of pressure. And when he was treated, watching him more fully develope into the healthy young boy he was was wonderful. Though to be equally honest, it didn't help in the guilt department. (How could I not notice earlier? How much better would he have been if I had intervened 6 months ago....) I really think kids develope at different paces, but all those issues together would make me think twice.
post #7 of 34
17 months is a not so fun stage. I don't know too many moms who are fans about it. And I think I felt very similar to you somewhere around there. Ditto on the 'looking forward to when they're older' too.

Parenting is hard work. I think sometimes that I would rather dig ditches.

Just try to get out of the house everyday and keep busy. A new stage will come and you may like it better (We are rocking 20 months).

If there are possible delays or sensory issues as pp mentioned, go get those assessed.

But I bet the biggest problem is that your LO is 17 months and that age does kind of suck.



V
post #8 of 34
I think everyone has an age they love. This is not it for you. He will grow up & progress & imo you'll be more in love with parenting when he reaches a stage you're more comfortable with.
post #9 of 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by AllisonR View Post

Bolding mine. Did you mean he really has no words and no signs, or are you just frustrated and exagerating to make a point? If he doesn't like bubbles, or being outside, or the stroller or the sling.... I'd be inclined to say "so what". But if he doesn't like any of it, or much else either, nothing really stimulates and challenges him, and he is screaming and frustrated, and not talking, then I would say to get him an evaluation, asap. Could be nothing. But if he has some developmental delays, sensory issues, hearing or speech issues... the earlier you intervene, the better it will be for him. And for you too. As a mom of a DS who had severe ear infections, just finding out what the problem was relieved a lot of pressure. And when he was treated, watching him more fully develope into the healthy young boy he was was wonderful. Though to be equally honest, it didn't help in the guilt department. (How could I not notice earlier? How much better would he have been if I had intervened 6 months ago....) I really think kids develope at different paces, but all those issues together would make me think twice.
I was just coming to post something similar. DS was diagnosed as a toddler with SID, and we're currently in the evaluation process for autism/aspergers. Before we realized what was going on with him, he had tons of issues and was very rough to deal with. He hated HATED the wind in his face. Fixated on one thing and never played with any other toys. I would look at getting him evaluated to ensure that he doesn't have something going on.

Also, I love my son but I am SO not a baby/toddler person. I honestly had no idea what to do with him (beyond the basics) and was so full of anxiety over everything with him until he was old enough to effectively communicate. We're just not baby people. I like seeing/holding other babies, and I enjoy giving them back to mommy/daddy just as much

There is nothing wrong with that, and the fact that you recognize it is a good thing. I would take advantage of any and all outlets you have to get through this rough stage.

Do you have a good routine? Toddlers love routine. When he gets to be too out of control, pick him up and redirect to something else. Usually with toddlers, its either food or sleep they're lacking. One thing DS always loved was putting on some music and "Dancing". Sounds really lame, but he always got a kick out of it, it distracted him from the nerdy behavior, and made me crack a smile watching him dance.

Big thing I learned with that stage was to just let go of some of it. Establish a routine that is reasonable for both of you, and then slowly work your way up. Start small, with things like "Breakfast at X time, play time, story time, nap time, snack/lunch time, park time, nap/story, dinner, bath, bed."

Nothing hard at first. Force yourself to stick to it. Once you've got a simple one down, add small things for yourself back in. "At first naptime, I will do ONE load of laundry and wipe down the bathroom, then read a magazine/knit/whatever relaxes you"

It's okay to find this age hard. One day, it will literally just kind of fall into place and your son will be this little person with thoughts and opinions, and you'll delight in talking and doing things with him. This is a very hard stage though.
post #10 of 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by AllisonR View Post
Bolding mine. Did you mean he really has no words and no signs, or are you just frustrated and exagerating to make a point? If he doesn't like bubbles, or being outside, or the stroller or the sling.... I'd be inclined to say "so what". But if he doesn't like any of it, or much else either, nothing really stimulates and challenges him, and he is screaming and frustrated, and not talking, then I would say to get him an evaluation, asap. Could be nothing. But if he has some developmental delays, sensory issues, hearing or speech issues... the earlier you intervene, the better it will be for him. And for you too. As a mom of a DS who had severe ear infections, just finding out what the problem was relieved a lot of pressure. And when he was treated, watching him more fully develope into the healthy young boy he was was wonderful. Though to be equally honest, it didn't help in the guilt department. (How could I not notice earlier? How much better would he have been if I had intervened 6 months ago....) I really think kids develope at different paces, but all those issues together would make me think twice.
ITA with this post. I'm one that usually falls in the "there's a big range of developmentally normal", but with everything you're mentioning together, I'd probably give your local school district a call and see what kind of early intervention programs they offer.

Sending you big that you can get some answers, help, and relief soon. Not enjoying phases of baby and toddlerhood is something we all go through, for sure. I am not thrilled with 2-3 yrs old, personally. Love baby and early toddler hood, am loving kidhood, NOT thrilled with older toddler into preschooler.
post #11 of 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by AllisonR View Post
ITA! And get yourself some breaks if you need them. Be grateful he has daycare. And when your DH comes home, give him his son and go out with friends, or just take a walk down the street, for an hour.




Bolding mine. Did you mean he really has no words and no signs, or are you just frustrated and exagerating to make a point? If he doesn't like bubbles, or being outside, or the stroller or the sling.... I'd be inclined to say "so what". But if he doesn't like any of it, or much else either, nothing really stimulates and challenges him, and he is screaming and frustrated, and not talking, then I would say to get him an evaluation, asap. Could be nothing. But if he has some developmental delays, sensory issues, hearing or speech issues... the earlier you intervene, the better it will be for him. And for you too. As a mom of a DS who had severe ear infections, just finding out what the problem was relieved a lot of pressure. And when he was treated, watching him more fully develope into the healthy young boy he was was wonderful. Though to be equally honest, it didn't help in the guilt department. (How could I not notice earlier? How much better would he have been if I had intervened 6 months ago....) I really think kids develope at different paces, but all those issues together would make me think twice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SquishyKitty View Post
I was just coming to post something similar. DS was diagnosed as a toddler with SID, and we're currently in the evaluation process for autism/aspergers. Before we realized what was going on with him, he had tons of issues and was very rough to deal with. He hated HATED the wind in his face. Fixated on one thing and never played with any other toys. I would look at getting him evaluated to ensure that he doesn't have something going on.

Also, I love my son but I am SO not a baby/toddler person. I honestly had no idea what to do with him (beyond the basics) and was so full of anxiety over everything with him until he was old enough to effectively communicate. We're just not baby people. I like seeing/holding other babies, and I enjoy giving them back to mommy/daddy just as much

There is nothing wrong with that, and the fact that you recognize it is a good thing. I would take advantage of any and all outlets you have to get through this rough stage.

Do you have a good routine? Toddlers love routine. When he gets to be too out of control, pick him up and redirect to something else. Usually with toddlers, its either food or sleep they're lacking. One thing DS always loved was putting on some music and "Dancing". Sounds really lame, but he always got a kick out of it, it distracted him from the nerdy behavior, and made me crack a smile watching him dance.

Big thing I learned with that stage was to just let go of some of it. Establish a routine that is reasonable for both of you, and then slowly work your way up. Start small, with things like "Breakfast at X time, play time, story time, nap time, snack/lunch time, park time, nap/story, dinner, bath, bed."

Nothing hard at first. Force yourself to stick to it. Once you've got a simple one down, add small things for yourself back in. "At first naptime, I will do ONE load of laundry and wipe down the bathroom, then read a magazine/knit/whatever relaxes you"

It's okay to find this age hard. One day, it will literally just kind of fall into place and your son will be this little person with thoughts and opinions, and you'll delight in talking and doing things with him. This is a very hard stage though.
:

If he truly is not saying a single word, tantruming all day, and not getting any activities, please have him evaluated.

This is how my youngest DS was. I ignored most of it, attributing it to every child being different. I wish I had gotten him evaluated. We didn't do the evaluation until he was in kindergarten and actually got suspended for behavioral issues! He has Asperger's Syndrome and has lots of sensory issues that are now finally being worked on.

post #12 of 34
I saw many red flags when I read your post. I don't want to scare you but I agree an evaluation might bring some insight into how ds sees things. If he has a Sensory Processing Disorder, he could be under-stimulated or over-stimulated, so either shutting down because everything is too much or not getting the input he needs (needs movement, brushing etc). You can call Early Intervention and they will do an intake and schedule a meeting and get the ball rolling if you are interested in following this lead.
post #13 of 34
Just another mama chiming in to agree with having him evaluated. My first child was wonderful, I enjoyed him so much. Then #2 came and I was like - what is wrong with this kid. He NEVER had fun. NEVER was happy as an infant. Didn't talk understandably so anyone could know what he wanted. I struggled so much thinking I was just being a bad mother for him, not getting his personality or something. Uh, no - he has an autism spectrum disorder and knowing that could have saved me years of negative feelings about myself and him. Call his doctor immediately and get some help. You cannot be the mama you want to be by just dragging yourself through day after day.

Also, go to a library and check out some books (or look up on the internet) info. on Asperger's or Autism Spectrum Disorders and just see if anything rings a bell as far as your son's behavior. If it does, you may find yourself on a difficult journey, but a rewarding one as well because you'll know where to start to make improvement in your life and your son's.
post #14 of 34
I didn't much like my daughter until about 19 months. So I know how it feels. I told my DH during the worst time that I really did sometimes wish I could just leave, desert the family. I have a son, too. And I didn't have this experience with him. They have very different personalities. I often left my DD with my DH and spent time alone with my son. I am lucky that I work out of the home, too. If I stayed at home during that time, I would have went insane. I remember actually thinking that I wouldn't care if someone took her away from me...

Perhaps you should take classes. I know money how it is when money is hard but if there is any way you can swing it, do it. Hopefully, as your little one gets older, things will get better. Another idea is to get your child involved in an activity: a babysitting coop or baby music class or something.
post #15 of 34
Another 'please call EI' vote. :
post #16 of 34
Another vote for having an evaluaton here, too.

My dd was difficult from birth to about 20 months old, and from there it's been all down hill. She's now 3.5 and is so much easier than most other kids her age (the only downside I can think of is that she still won't play by herself, but discipline issues are a breeze, she can communicate extremely well, eats well, sleeps better, no naps, etc.).

To own the truth, I did not clean for the first 2.5 years of dd's life. I would spot clean when things got really gross. By age 2.5, though, I was able to have a weekly household routine that worked for us. Would you financially be able to hire someone to clean bi-weekly? That might take some of the stress off. What about your dh cleaning on the weekends, and saving the laundry for him to do when he gets home from work? As for food, we still cook several casseroles on the weekends and just heat them up during the week because I don't want to cook (nor do I have the time or energy to cook) every day.
post #17 of 34
I agree that you should get your son evaluated.

But I also wanted to say that using daycare does NOT mean you are not a good mother. I am a HORRIBLE parent (of my one, extremely easy-going, communicative and reasonable toddler) if I don't get time for myself. Over the last couple of years, while I was finishing my degree, dd had some sort of childcare for 15-20 hours per week: a college-age sitter in the home (usually with me there, doing schoolwork) and, last year, nursery school a few mornings a week.

Having time to recharge and do my own work is essential for making me a good parent. Otherwise, I'm short-tempered, frustrated, bored, and generally impatient. I too thought I would SAH full-time before I had my dd, but I quickly realized that it simply doesn't work for me. Being a "good" mom means meeting the needs both of your dc AND yourself, so that everyone can function at their best.

If you can't afford daycare or a babysitter, you could consider getting a high-school age mother's helper for 5-10 hours a week. You could get some time to do whatever it is you like to do at home, and get some relief from childcare.

I will also add, as someone who finds parenting much harder than most people I know--even with a pretty easy kid--that it does get much, much better as they get older. We're finding age 3 a bit challenging, just in terms of boundary-testing and so on, but 2 was definitely better than 1.
post #18 of 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by NYCVeg View Post
I agree that you should get your son evaluated.
:

If you could get him into early intervention/speech therapy, that could really help him. He's gotta be as frustrated as you are that he can't communicate.
post #19 of 34
Kris! I agree with the PPs. Don't be so hard on yourself! I think you are doing great and even better you knew when to let it out and were honest. I need to take a lesson on that one.
post #20 of 34
I read your post and can totally identify - I would call your local early intervention line ASAP and get him evaluated. My guy was the very same at 17 months, and at that time they diagnosed him with SID - therapy helped SO MUCH!!!

Now at age 6, going on 7 he is MUCH, MUCH better. It does get easier. We are now going through testing as they believe he has Aspergers. But oh man, the toddler stage was pure hell sometimes.

Give yourself breaks and please, have him evaluated. They speach and OT will really help him be less frustrated and give you things to help give him a routine, etc.

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