Please Help--- Gratefulness issue, NEED advice!

[TiredX2]

Hi. I don't think anyone plans on raising a spoiled child, and I don't honestly think my DD is. But, her response to gifts (not in others hearing, unless the gift is from me) is less than stellar. I understand that she is disappointed, but it is the constantness. More like she would be disappointed with *anything*. She has major buyers remorse and has a very hard time choosing what she really wants. She just turned 5 this month, btw.

So, today we needed to go to the mall and pick up her birthday pictures at JC Penney. Additionally, she got a postcard in the mail from Build-A-Bear for a free accessory up to $5. So, we pick up the pictures and head to Build-A-Bear. We passed the Disney Store on the way there and decided to stop in. Well, they had t-shirts on sale for $5 (from $10.50) and DS (2) fell in love with a Brother Bear shirt (he LOVES shirts with animals on them!). So, I said that they could both get *one* shirt. DD can't decide so we go through all 20+ shirts until she finds 6 that she "likes." We then find a quiet place and I pick two and ask her which she likes best. We soon have it narrowed down to three: a soccer tinkerbell shirt, a brother bear shirt and a hakuna matata shirt. We decide together that there are no soccer balls in Peter Pan, so put the tinkerbell shirt. She is frozen at that point--- CAN NOT decide. So I say, "well, lets go to the Build-A-Bear and then come back and decide." DS is, of course, permanently attached to "his" Brother Bear shirt, so I decide, whatever I'll buy FOUR shirts--- the two DD has picked out in her size and DS's size (they picked the same Brother Bear shirt)--- and do so while she lays on the floor.

So, we go to Build-A-Bear where the thing she *wants* is of course $8. Finally she picks something for $5 when she sees I am NOT giving her the extra money (she does have an allowance, btw, so its not like she can't buy her own stuff and does). Then we go play on the indoor mall playground boat and then its time to leave. So:

DD: Weren't we going back to the Disney store?
Me: Well, I need to explain something to you, okay? Remember when you were on the floor and I went to put the shirts away and was gone a few minutes?
DD: Yes.
Me: Well, I decided to just make the decision that I thought was best.
DD (happy): Which one did you get?
Me: I want to make this clear: I am not changing this decision and I know you liked both shirts. I need to know you are going to accept it and be happy with whatever I chose. I need you to trust me.
DD: OKay, can I see it now?
Me: What would you say if I showed you this? (bringing the Brother Bear shirt out of the bag)
DD (grinning): I would say I'm happy!
Me: Well, how about if I showed you this? (Hakuna Matata)
DD (still grinning): I'd say I'm happy!
Me: Well, I decided to get you both.
This goes over well for maybe 10-15 seconds. Then DD gets visably upset, etc... finally confiding that she wishes she had the Tinkerbell shirt!!! After tears, getting out of the mall, screaming, getting in the car, her telling me this is all my fault, getting her buckled in, we finally get to talk again. We talk about it and talk about it and she finally says that the *only* way for her to be happy is to get THREE shirts! She had even agreed that 1) those were the two shirts she liked best and 2) she would have been pissed if I had gotten her one of them and the tinkerbell shirt. So, I said that was not an acceptable alternative and started the car.

A bit later I ask her if she is going to be able to be happy with the two shirts and she reiterates that NO, she will not every be happy. So, I said, "Okay, I'm giving them to someone who will be happy with them." Major panic--- screaming "I'll try to be happy" while sobbing, etc... I told her to calm down and then we would talk. By the time we got home she said she thought she could try to be happy with two shirts. I said I would need to think about that.

So, what should I do *now* and in the future to avoid these situations? The *same* thing happened yesterday. We went to Zainy Brainy (going out of business) to look for chalk. They didn't have it but had these cute airplanes in three colors. DS immediately picks blue (his favorite color). DD is upset about that, but then decides she can't choose between yellow and red. Finally, she decides and then want's a set of cars (which she ended up buying with her own money).

I just feel like it is *always* something like this! My sister gave her an analog Pooh clock for her birthday to learn to tell time. At first she is happy, then later, "Can we take this back. I don't like Pooh that much." I feel like everything is always the wrong color, the wrong size, the wrong something!

Please excuse the verbosity and HELP ME!!! I will take any suggestions up to:
1) Smack her
2) You suck as a parent--- the best thing to do is give her and DS up for adoption.

[weesej]

HMMM! Tough spot. Here is what I do in similar situations. If DS is told he can pick something out and he begins to get upset, I talk to him about what he can pick, like you did with narrowing down the shirts. If he continues to have a fit, they get put back, end of story...even if a sibling had one they were getting. If the breakdown had happened later like in the car I would have put them up when we got home and not given them back for a day or two. It is important to me that my kids are grateful for the things the are given. We don't have alot of $$ and if I am going to get them something nice I want them to be happy about it, no whining or complaining. I have done this, in both of those scenarios and I don't have to do it very often. Once it happens the next time we are going to the store I offer to let him try again and go over briefly the kind of behavior I expect. We redo this lesson every 4-5 months.

[sparrow]

would it be possible to avoid doing any shopping for her with her present for a while? maybe the stores are a bit over-stimulating for her.... i am thinking that if you can reduce the amount of -stuff- that she has to choose from, then maybe she can focus on what she has already?

i can't say i have experience with the clothes thing- my ds is only 4, and 99% of his clothes are gifts, or thrift store. he gets to choose from what is in his closet, but i have not given him much buying power- except for his bday.

no other advice, but i wish you luck

[TiredX2]

Thanks for the advice!

Even if we don't go shopping we still have the same problem (her not being happy with what she is given/has).

I have tried to cut down on the shopping trips, just because its not fun, so why do it.

Thanks again,
Kay

[Thao]

Hi, I don't know if you've already done this, but have you looked for books that she likes that teach this lesson? My dd is a HUGE Berenstain Bear fan, and, while I think they are kinda corny and not particularly well-written, I have to admit they are very useful when it comes to teaching these sorts of things. There is one called "the berenstain bears get the gimmes" which speaks to the issue of wanting too much and another called "the berenstain bears count their blessings" which talks about being grateful. Since my dd likes them and asks to read them several times a day, then when we are at the grocery store and she is whining for something, or if she is being ungrateful about something, I can say "remember in the berenstain bear story when brother/sister did xyz? do you think maybe you are having the gimmes now?" and it gives us a context to talk about it. As much as I am sick of these books, they really are useful LOL!

[LoveBeads]

I don't know if this is any help but....

Maybe your child's problem isn't "ungratefulness" - maybe instead it's "indecisiveness".

I only point that out because they are very different and should be solved in different ways.

For ungratefulness, it would be easy for me. I would insist that she use her own money if she wants more than one shirt. I would involve her with picking out some of her old things (things she doesn't want) and donating them to a women's/children's shelter.

For indecisiveness, I'm not really too sure except that she obviously needs to have her choices limited for her (which you are trying to do). I would be proactive about it - tell her before you get to the store what her choices will be. It is far too difficult in the heat of the moment for her to choose. Don't do any impulse shopping if you can't warn her beforehand.

Another thing that I do is tell DD "that's cute. Maybe we'll get it for your birthday (or insert another gift-giving occasion). I try to delay her gratification as much as possible because she tends to forget about it.

Good luck!

[TiredX2]

Thanks LoveBeads.

I think that she actually has *both* problems, lol. We do give all her outgrown things to charity & she is a great sharer and delayer as well (she keeps a list on the computer of things she would like and things she is saving for).

DH & I are going to try harder to not second guess her choices from now on. She will save up her allowance for something specific, then get to the store and pick something totally different we *know* she won't like in 15 minutes. We're just going to let her make that purchase from now on instead of walking her through the consequences OVER and OVER.

BTW, she was fine with the idea of saving her money up for the other shirt, BUT it was on clearance so she knew she couldn't go back later and get it (esp since she knows the next time we go to the mall will be in 1.5 months when DS gets his pictures taken). That was one of the first things she asked in fact--- could we come back later, would they still have it.

Thanks again,
Kay

[L.J.]

I'm just wondering since I don't know either one of you.....

Is this indecision something she sees in you or in her dad? In your thread you said that when you found the shirts you said they would each get one, but then when she found so many you changed what you said & got her two. If she knows that indecision will get her more things is it possible she does it to get more?

As for the ungratefulness, my son who's 5 as well, can be like that. At Christmas he found a couple different toothbrushes he liked. I decided to buy one. All he did after I gave it to him was talk about how he wanted the others and everytime we were at the store he begged me for more. I'm not sure if it's an age thing or not.

[TiredX2]

Good point L.J. I will have to think about that.

Growing up I never had money of my own, so I really did feel a lot of pressure to make the right choice/ask for the right present/etc... And I know that my desire for her to be "thankful" stems from that as well--- we were expected to thank our parents for everything that was given to us.

Thanks for the thoughts.

Kay

[lula]

Umm....your daughter actually sounds like me however I just keep the tantrums inside.

I had a huge decision-making problem and often I am sure I appeared ungrateful simply because my reactions were not as joyful as is normally appropriate. I had a problem second guessing myself, feeling satisfied, and I was constantly in upheaval about decisions involving things. I began to just look at every decision as though each decision option was correct, each outcome equally good, and looked upon each decision as part of a chain not an end all be all. I mean it would not be the last time I bought anything, not the last time I had to decide between dark gray sweater versus light gray sweater. Now this happened in full force as a teenager but I had the same problem when I was your daughter's age. I still remember a pair of cordovan leather shoes that I wish I had purchased in black and thereafter always hated. (this was when I was five.) I also now work on thanking people not for things but for the thought/effort. This helps me avoid wishing the gift was different and focuses on being truly grateful.

So this may not apply, just my late night ramble.

[TiredX2]

Lula---

Thank you so much for that insight. Sounds *exactly* like what DD is going throuhg.

I began to just look at every decision as though each decision option was correct, each outcome equally good, and looked upon each decision as part of a chain not an end all be all. I mean it would not be the last time I bought anything, not the last time I had to decide between dark gray sweater versus light gray sweater.

We do point this out over and over and over. Unfortunatley, with the shirt, that was what originally set her off--- they were on clearance so there wouldn't be another chance to get that *exact* shirt :

[pugmadmama]

My son went through something similar and what worked was not taking him shopping at all and not returning things once they are purchased/recieved as a gift. For example, it would be hell trying to get him to pick out which shirt he wanted and then, no matter what one we got, he would be sad and upset later that we didn't get the other one.

I finally realized that ds was NOT a good shopper and so why put him through that? When he does have to go shopping, for shoes or whatnot, I do everything in my power to NOT take him myself. Children will yank their mothers and/or fathers chains until the cows come home but they rarely give their Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents or adult friends that kind of grief. And ds knows once something is bought, it's not being exchanged.

So, for returning things, like the clock your sister gave her, you might want to consider making it a policy that gifts are either kept or given to charity, not exchanged for something else. It's a perfectly good clock, right? And so the odds are that whatever other clock you get would have just as good a chance of being a disappointment.

Good luck.