Developing parenting plan need advice on something

[kindacrunchy]

Better late than never, right?
ONe of my hot buttons with my 6 yo DS is when he just drops something on the floor and walks away. When I tell him to pick it up nicely, he refuses.
For example, he comes downstairs this morning with some lego contraption he built and then dropped it in the middle of the walkway where it fell to pieces and walked away to where his brother was building something else. I said "while you are waiting, come pick up these pieces in the walkway so no one steps on them and hurts their feet." His reply was " doesn't sound like a good way to spend my time waiting". Inside, I'm fuming and ready to go down the rant road. But I stopped. I said "I guess I will pick it up and put it away in my place."
How would you handle this?
Thanks!

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I think a parenting plan (or behavior intervention plan) works better if you just pick the most challenging behaviors first, and work on teaching better alternatives, than trying to fix everything at once.

I think they way you handled it (its hard to tell what your voice tone was, but if you were matter-of-factly saying, "I will pick it up and put it away in my place" that sounds perfect) is the best way right now.

It sounds to me like its more his attitude to your very reasonable request that pushes your buttons, and not so much the actual behavior. You guys seem to be pushing against each other rather than working together. Its hard to get out of those dynamics once established, but if you pile on more and more consequences to each behavior, when its really the attitude that is the problem and not the behavior per se, then the attitude goes underground to resurface someplace else, and its a never-ending battle.

I think I would schedule some one-on-one time playing on the floor with him each day, being completely relaxed and letting him be in control, might help deal with that "I'm not going to do it just because mom told me I had to" attitude. You can put any toys you had to clean up in a box on top of the frig or something, not in a punitive way, but just to tidy up. And then once a week you might bring the box down and say, "Hey, can you show me where all these things go?"

He sounds like he's being a bit reactive and oppositional. I would target the big things right now (hitting and aggression) and get some give and take going on the other things. For now. And focus on attachment interactions, so that he gets more of an idea that you are on his side and not his opponent.

[seriosa]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

I think a parenting plan (or behavior intervention plan) works better if you just pick the most challenging behaviors first, and work on teaching better alternatives, than trying to fix everything at once.

I think they way you handled it (its hard to tell what your voice tone was, but if you were matter-of-factly saying, "I will pick it up and put it away in my place" that sounds perfect) is the best way right now.

It sounds to me like its more his attitude to your very reasonable request that pushes your buttons, and not so much the actual behavior. You guys seem to be pushing against each other rather than working together. Its hard to get out of those dynamics once established, but if you pile on more and more consequences to each behavior, when its really the attitude that is the problem and not the behavior per se, then the attitude goes underground to resurface someplace else, and its a never-ending battle.

I think I would schedule some one-on-one time playing on the floor with him each day, being completely relaxed and letting him be in control, might help deal with that "I'm not going to do it just because mom told me I had to" attitude. You can put any toys you had to clean up in a box on top of the frig or something, not in a punitive way, but just to tidy up. And then once a week you might bring the box down and say, "Hey, can you show me where all these things go?"

He sounds like he's being a bit reactive and oppositional. I would target the big things right now (hitting and aggression) and get some give and take going on the other things. For now. And focus on attachment interactions, so that he gets more of an idea that you are on his side and not his opponent.

I am not sure (purely on instinct) that I agree with this. Wouldn't this just be setting a a precedent? Like saying, OK, it doesn't matter that I asked you to do something right and for a good reason, you don't have to if you don't want to. He will learn that lesson. My child reminds me all the the time "but that time, weeks ago, you let me, you did or did not do such and such...."

I think you did good to avoid the ranting of course, but my own follow-up would be to remove the lego for an indefinate period. "Sorry dear, you obviously don't know how to use it without it being unsafe for other people, so I'll just keep it for you until you have learnt how to use your toys safely."

Just a point of view, of course.

ETA: I'm a late starter on the GD road, so I am navigating similar issues too...

[kindacrunchy]

Bellinghamcrunchie, you are right, it is his attitude that pushes my buttons. and we are in a negative mode around here. i have a hard time being in control without being bitchy. i'm learning. school just got out a week ago and he doesn't transition well. he is falling asleep late (i leave his room at 8 or 8:15 and he is falling asleep around 9ish) and he is hardly eating a thing. so his attitude really stinks. i get frustrated because i KNOW why but i have no control over his eating and sleeping. we just had an issue over lunch. i offered something he said no, i asked if he had suggestions, he said no, so i fixed something for both he and his broher. after he saw what i made he said he didn't want it and wanted something else. so i told him that he can get those things himself and next time he can offer me suggestions when i ask if he wants me to serve him his lunch.

[mom2grrls]

Perhaps you could schedule clean up times throughout the day. Say after breakfast, lunch and dinner or whatever you want. That way he will still be picking up the pieces and it's not just him cleaning, it's everyone.

[Ruthla]

I would have said "excuse me, you forgot to pick something up!" in a nice tone of voice- telling myself that he's going to clean it up, but simply forgot. I have very little tolerance for dangerous messes on the floor, since I have some foot problems and lose my balance very easily. Keeping the house safe is non-negotiable.

I would give the child one or two verbal reminders to pick it up. Then, if I have to pick up the toys (which is physically difficult for me), the toys don't just get put back where they belong. They get put in some sort of "time out" for a while. How long depends on a number of factors- maybe a few hours if we're just getting used to this new routine, or up to a week if this has been a consistent problem.

Again, this can be done calmly and without raising your voice or creating a battle. "The legos can't stay on the floor. That's not safe. You have a choice: either you pick up the toys by yourself, we clean them up together, or I pick them up by myself. Remember what happens when Mommy picks up toys by herself!" Then calmly follow through.

If he's in a negative mood and busy playing with something else, he won't even notice when the toys get put away out of his reach. You've avoided the battle when he's in "that mood." But the behavior hasn't been ignored- later he'll want legos and ask where they are, and you can remind him that he forgot to put them away so they're in time out.