Homebirth Transfer Support Tribe? - Page 2

[weliveintheforest]

I don't think you are setting yourself up for failure at all. You could change your mind and still go to the hospital if you want or need to. Do you have any uc-supportive people in your life? I kept mind a secret until after, and even then I didn't tell everyone, so it was important to me to at least have a few people I could talk about it with.

[shanniesue2]

I also attempted a homebirth and then transferred to the hospital. I was in labor at home for 25 hours... the last 12 or so of those hours I was at 8 cm. The closest my ctx got was 3 minute apart. My mw tried breaking my waters to see if that would help me progress. But it didn't, so we decided to transfer to the hospital. I was so exhausted by that point and I asked for a spinal block. The spinal was blessed relief at that point and I don't regret asking for it at all because I really needed the rest. While I was on the spinal, they gave me pitocin to augment my labor. After 6 hours, I was still at 8 cm, and DS wasn't engaging in my pelvis. The doctor gave me the option to labor for another 6 or 7 hours, or I could have a cesarean. I chose to have a cesarean birth.

It took me a good year to be able to tell my story like this. For the longest time, I would say, "I tried for a hb but ended up transferring and then 6 hours later ended up with a c/s."

There are a few things that really helped me to find peace with my birth experience:
1) I redifined birth. Instead of viewing birth as the moment the baby is born, I look at birth as a process. The process includes everything I did to prepare for pregnancy, the pregnancy itself, my labor, the moment my baby was born, and my post partum transition.
2) I gave myself credit for all the work I put into making sure that my son's birth would be the healthiest possible birth he could have. I went through 2 years of TTC, I grew a healthy little boy in my uterus for 9 months, I gave 31 hours of labor, and since his birth, I have done everything I could to help him feel safe, secure, and loved in this world. I may have needed a cesarean to give birth, but look at everything else I was able to do on my own.
3) I stopped using language like "I ended up with a c-section." I no longer call it c-section, I will either call it cesarean birth or cesarean for short. I was not sectioned. I gave birth. It was hard for me to say and believe this at first. But using this language has helped get me out of the victim mentality. I have regained my sanity because of it. Also, I never use the words "ended up with." They strike me as being very absolute, passive aggressive, judgemental, and they put me in the victim category. Yes, some women are victims of cesarean. And I don't want to discount their experience. However, for me, I think that if I perpatuate the idea that I am a victim, then I am encouraging myself to feel sorry for myself. For my own mental stability, I can't do that any more. Furthermore, I believe that I needed to have that cesarean. Even if it wasn't physically necessary, there was an emotional journey that I needed to make. And I needed my cesarean birth in order to make that journey. So now, I am a birth hero. I am a cesarean warrior. I attempted a homebirth, I was awesome in labor, and I needed to transfer to the hospital and give birth by cesarean.

I really hope that in the future I can have a homebirth. And I'm going to give it my absolute best shot. But I'm also working to keep my heart open to whatever my birth process needs to look like. I know that if I need to transfer again that it doesn't mean that I'm weak or stupid. What it does mean is that I am willing to let go of my pride to make tough decisions for myself, my family, and my babies. It takes a lot of strength and courage to be able to do that.

[lotus.blossom]

I'm glad I found this thread. I have been bumbling around MDC since my hbac turned transfer and c/s. Reading threads that I shouldn't, ones that make me feel like I failed. Ones that I should be happy about but can't be. Hearing those words "A woman doesn't grow a baby that she can't give birth to." Feeling angry that all my hope and preparation just couldn't get me "there."

I had a quick wonderfully intense textbook labor at home. Dilated fully. Pushed for 5 hours. Unable to push my posterior baby past my incredibly narrow pelvic arch.

In some ways I feel like a superhero that I made it through 12 of the most intense hours of my life. Proud that this time I got to feel what it was like to push AND the urge to push, what it felt like to feel my baby's head in the birth canal. I feel like I deserve the homebirth cred. only it ended at the hospital with another wound to my uterus.

Its the end of the line for me. RCS from here on out. My midwives confirmed it and my state has an unbelievably strict anti VBAC policy. I know if I really wanted it I could try again but after 2 failed attempts I just know now that its not possible.

I like your post though shanniesue. I find myself saying "attempted a homebirth and -ended up with- a c/s." I am going to try saying needed a c/s instead. Because it wasn't coerced into it, I wasn't intervened with, I have no unanswered questions about it. Itw as just plain needed. I probably would have died in childbirth a hundred years ago.

[Sk8ermaiden]

I don't know how much I can type right now because I always start crying, but I belong here. I relate to so many things that have been said in this thread. Particularly how I talk about it. "I had a Cesarean after pushing for 6 hours at home." I feel wounded. I can't think or talk about the birth without sobbing. I hate so much that this limits my future options.

[ladyelmo1]

cross post from Birth Trauma, but now that I know about this thread (thanks Fruitfulmomma) it belongs here and so do I:

I wanted and planned a home birth. Went into labor june 30 at 9 pm. Midway through labor my baby turned breech. MW was willing to try for a breech birth, but the baby's heart rate dropped so she recommended transport to hospital. I was pushing at that point, so she had me stop pushing and we drove to the hospital in my van. After some ridiculously bad treatment from the resident on duty, they bundled me into the OR and performed a c-section. When they pulled my baby out, she had turned AGAIN and was head down.

I have felt very wounded by this, and afraid of my body and the "holes" that are now in it. I've been a dancer for a long time, and have never been afraid of an injury before. I'm worried about my scar, worried about it breaking open, just plain worried.

I admire those who don't say that they 'ended up' with a section, but in my case that is exactly how I feel. Since my baby was head down when they pulled her out, I can't help thinking that if that stupid resident had only checked me one more time, I could have at least salvaged a vaginal birth out of this whole mess. But that wouldn't have been "protocol" I'm sure.

I feel cheated. I wish I could rewind time and do it over. Thought I'm not sure what I would do differently. I wasn't exactly able to advocate for myself by the time I got to the hospital - I wasn't really able to talk at all. My MW tried to advocate for me, and I remember her saying all the things I wanted to say, but that damn resident didn't listen to her, and was down right rude to her. I was so angry about that.

I've had two uncomplicated vaginal births, so I know that I CAN do it. I just can't believe that it went so wrong this time.

[Comtessa]

Thanks so much for this thread - my DD is 11 weeks old and I'm only now starting to realize how disappointed I am about our hospital birth. Up until now, I've just been saying "I'm so grateful for my healthy baby," and I am... and I still am grateful that I took all the precautions necessary to have a relatively low-intervention birth in the hospital when I did transfer. But... but... when I think of what I wanted it to be, and then what it was, I am just so... angry and disappointed.

My good friend came over yesterday, with her newborn who was born at home with our MW last week, and I was so envious that she got to have such a peaceful and easy birth while mine was such a struggle.

I've wanted a homebirth for fifteen years, ever since I read Ina May Gaskin as a teenager, and I was so sure that I could do it. Young, strong, in excellent shape, totally prepared, not scared for a minute... what could go wrong? I never had any doubts.

But it did go wrong - I was in labor for 52 hours, and by the time we transferred I'd been in transition for over 10 hours. I just couldn't do it anymore, and I needed pain relief to rest. I never expected labor to be so painful - the MW thinks that it was due to a very narrow pelvic arch and perhaps also a nuchal hand for a while. Nobody knows exactly why I was in so much pain, though - the back spasms were so bad I was practically fainting during contractions. I feel so foolish, because I was fully prepared for a pain-free labor. It was pain-free, really, for the first day and a half!!! It only got really bad after 30 hours or so. [*wry laugh*]

So, I think I'm mostly envious of people who get to have their babies in a "normal" space of time - the ones who go into labor in the morning and have their babies before the day is over. Not three days later! If my labor were shorter, I would never have had to transfer; I could have handled the pain for that long. It was purely exhaustion that sent me in there, and I never imagined that I would have had to transfer for what was (in my mind) a "weak" reason. Now obviously I don't think that women who transfer for exhaustion are weak - I don't feel weak for having chosen it, it took a whole lot of courage to go into that hospital, it was the scariest thing about my labor. But I thought my body would have been strong enough to see my whole labor through, without pharmaceutical intervention.

As it was, the epidural helped me to sleep for a few hours, which gave me the strength to get through four hours of pushing. And I'm genuinely grateful that the epidural option was there, because I was completely exhausted. If I'd lost my strength trying to get the baby out without that help, I or the baby could have ended up in some serious danger. Or maybe we would have been ok. Maybe I could have found the strength, maybe I could have rested. Maybe if my MW hadn't been so tired, and her backup hadn't been so aggressive, I wouldn't have felt so frightened as the hours wore on into the second long night. Maybe if my mother hadn't been standing in the door crying in fear because I was screaming.

Maybe... maybe... but this is silly talk, I had a relatively normal birth with relatively few interventions and I was home in less than 2 days and completely healed within 2 weeks.

You see? I just keep going back and forth with my "maybe it could have been different" and "I'm grateful that it happened the way it did." And of course, the worst of it is, everyone in my life who doubted HB are now convinced that "see? it doesn't work." Especially DH, who was terrified and never wants to try that again. Every time he says something like that, I burst into tears - I don't know if he will ever agree to a HB again. I had to fight him so long to get this one, and I failed after all.

[fruitfulmomma]

cross post from Birth Trauma, but now that I know about this thread (thanks Fruitfulmomma) it belongs here and so do I:

Glad you found your way over.

I was just thinking... If any of you read Nina Plank, her new book Real Food for Mother and Baby has her story of her transfer and c-section.

[FullMetalMom]

Ick. I'm joining finally. Just got into it with some "natural birth advocates" about whether epidurals are ever really necessary. I guess being in labor for dozens of hours and being so exhausted you can't sit up in a chair any longer doesn't count. I don't know why I let those people get me so upset. I guess part of me feels like maybe it would have been nice to have been graced with such a wonderful birth that I could be so arrogant. Can you tell I'm still bitter about my transfer ?

Gonna go cry now.

[smeisnotapirate]

Originally Posted by FullMetalMom

I guess part of me feels like maybe it would have been nice to have been graced with such a wonderful birth that I could be so arrogant.

Yup.

[maryjane]

Huge to all of you who are still so raw and hurting.

Now two months past my daughter's birth, I feel so fortunate that my labor and hospital experience were not traumatic. Which, in turn, makes me feel rather foolish for harboring these feelings of sadness and loss over the homebirth. I so wanted a gentle, peaceful birth at home to be this child's story -- to be our family's story. I'm starting to think that I may never be completely "over" what happened.

[smeisnotapirate]

Don't feel foolish - you have every right to mourn what you and your DD didn't get.

I'm 14 months out from my DS's birth, and still not "over it." In fact, as the days pass, I think I've become even more "rabidly crunchy about birth" as my DH says.

[Sk8ermaiden]

I agree. Even for me, as awful as my section was, it is less that I had a cesarean that bothers me and more that I did not get my homebirth - my natural birth. If that makes any sense. I would probably be feeling similarly even if we had just been a transfer.

[Carlin]

Wow, somehow I've never seen this thread before. I haven't had time to read everyone's stories yet, but just the couple I have had a chance to read have been so healing. Other people have had such similar experiences to mine.

I'd planned a home birth right from the moment I found out I was pregnant, so ending up in the hospital for an induction was a big change of plans. I don't regret transferring as I do feel it was the right decision, but I do regret that I didn't have the birth I wanted. I'll come back and share the rest of my story when I have a little more time, and read the rest of the thread, but I just wanted to say thank you to everyone else who has shared their experiences!

[maryjane]

I was just reading the thread on hospital transfer birth plans, which got me thinking...

I didn't make a birth plan in case of transfer. My m/w never suggested it and frankly, it didn't even occur to me. I figured the only reason we'd transfer would be life-or-death emergency, in which case, a birth plan would be the last thing on anyone's mind. In the end, I transferred due to PROM. It had been 48 hours and I was developing an infection based on vital signs. It wasn't a life or death emergency, but it was medically necessary.

Before we went to the hospital, my m/w spoke to the transferring OB about my wishes. Once we got there, everyone knew the deal and was very respectful (I realize this is very hit or miss with a transfer.) There were things that were pushed -- such as internal monitoring -- which I refused multiple times. But I never felt like it became adversarial. I just said things to the nurse like, "I appreciate the suggestion. I'll think about it, but for right now, I'd rather not." My DH was well aware of our newborn care preferences, and when necessary, referred the baby nurse back to me (to sign for no eye goop, Vitamin K, etc.)

The only thing that happened that I *really* didn't want to happen was immediate clamping & cutting of the cord -- before baby was even placed on my chest. The OB knew that I wanted the cord to stop pulsating first -- and, in fact, we wanted DS1 to cut the cord, and she'd agreed "in theory" to that verbal request. But, it turns out I was hemoraging, which is why she delivered the placenta and quickly brought the bleeding under control. Which to me, falls under the "medically necessary" category, and so a written birth plan would have made no difference.

Based only on my personal experience, I'm wondering how helpful a birth plan really is in the event of transfer. I believe that thinking through your preferences and getting on the same page as DH, MW, doula *is* helpful. But I wonder if presenting a piece of paper makes a positive difference in the quality of care you receive. Or if it just creates a more adversarial situation out of one already rife with stress. Thoughts in light of your experiences?

[Sk8ermaiden]

I have wondered the same thing. I HAD a birth plan in case of transfer, but I didn't present it because we had the meanest OB on the planet. I'm pretty sure he would have intentionally done the opposite of everything on it. (This is an OB who does very rough internals just to be mean - as experienced by several homebirth transfers.) The only things from my birth plan that happened were no Heb B, no vit K, no eye ointment...and he tried to have us reported to CPS for those things. :

It was a section, not life and death (yet), but necessary, and so all my wishes were out the window anyway. I have doubts as to how effective written birth plans really are, unless you have a provider who asks for them.

[fruitfulmomma]

Thoughts in light of your experiences?

I didn't have a written one either time. The first time my husband was able to tell them some wishes about no vit. k, no vax, etc... The second time I went before labor and was able to talk to my nurse about everything and she was really great about helping out. With my last pregnancy when I went in for monitoring I scribbled out a few things on a paper and signed it - no circ, no vit. k, no vaxes, no pain meds, no cytotec and gave to the nurse and she put it in my file. She sounded really positive about everything I said, especially the no circ part, but they ended up sending me home and I birthed at home a few days later so I don't know how it would have gone at the hospital.

[smeisnotapirate]

I had a plan written up, and ended up using it. Of course, I had to verbally reiterate most of it, but it was helpful to ME to have written out my thoughts.

[Comtessa]

But I wonder if presenting a piece of paper makes a positive difference in the quality of care you receive. Or if it just creates a more adversarial situation out of one already rife with stress. Thoughts in light of your experiences?

I am convinced that the effort I put into writing a transfer birth plan was 100% worth every moment, and I would strongly recommend that any homebirther do this, for 3 reasons:
1. thinking through everything ahead of time and having it on paper helped me feel much more in control when I transferred,
2. discussing the details of the transfer plan with my OB helped me develop a relationship in which I felt safe expressing my fears about transfer, which meant that when we called to tell him we were transferring, he knew my situation and was willing to come in on his day off (at five in the morning, no less) to attend my DD's birth so that I wasn't stuck with the on-call OB,
3. having a signed transfer plan on file with the hospital when we arrived meant that the nurses and on-call docs had "doctor's orders" to treat me the way I had requested.

I found that our birth plan was honored very well, because we spent the time to think through the plan well and ensure that it would be respected (and this is a hospital that told us on our tour that "if you come in with a birth plan, you're guaranteeing yourself a C-section").

[maryjane]

:bump

Just wanted to bump this back up, in case anyone is needing/looking for support!

I'm having my 6 week postpartum visit with my m/w (only 6 weeks late ) and I want to talk to her about my feelings... I'm just not sure how to broach it or what to say. Maybe I'll just lead with, "Hey, I'm still not over the transfer entirely, even though I'm very thankful that the birth went very well and my baby was healthy" and then take it from there.

[Pernillep]

This is still very new. Right now I am sitting in my hospital room less than 48 hours from a crash section due to corp prolapse. I had planned a peaceful content homebirth but ended up a rush transfer for an emergency section when my little boys cord moved under his head after PROM. The most scary experience of my life.

I am just starting to process this and while I know it was a life or death call for my little boy and we made the right decision it is still hard to accept.

What bothers me are the comments. Everyone is focussing entirely on him and just doing the standard cogratulations. He is so cute etc. I don't think anyone has a clue what it meant to me or what I have been through in the last 48 hours. There are c-sections and there there are crash sections where you get hte baby out now no matter what. From the time I was knocked out (incubated and put under) he was out in less than 1 min. No time to make an incision in the bikini line. Really, I just want people to acknowledge what I went through and offer to help. I can't do anything right now without help yet no one seems to get it.