Pernillep - I hope you've recovered from your traumatic experience and that you and your baby are happy and healthy now
I haven't seen this thread before, but would definitely like to join.
I planned a homebirth over 2 years ago and had an horrific transfer experience.
Very long story very short - was living abroad in a very anti-HB country, found an under-the-radar MW who spoke English and seemed great. Went to 43 weeks, she was getting antsy, finally went into labour. Had 'normal' labour for about 6 hours then it all went strange - contractions no longer separate from each other but now one never-ending big contraction. Found it very difficult to communicate or do anything other than kneel on the floor leaning over onto the bed. Finally called MW after about 6 hours of that, so 12 hours total. She was at another birth and didn't get to us for 2 hours after we called.
When she did arrive the very first thing she did was criticise me for 'breathing wrong'. She checked me - I was at 8 cm. This was 8am, after 14 hours of active labour and 8 of crazy non-stop contractions. 2 hours later she checked me again and I was at 10cm but with a lip. 4 hours went by with her and her assistant hanging around and using the doppler constantly, but nobody doing anything to help me (I got quite dehydrated because no one gave me anything to eat or drink the whole of my labour and I was concentrating too hard on just getting through it to be able to talk or ask for things). I tried pushing a few times but didn't seem to be getting anywhere with it and didn't really want to push without the urge. Then she seemed to get really annoyed with me and basically told me that if I didn't agree to go to the hospital now for some oxytocin to 'move things along' that she wasn't going to stay with me any longer.
In hindsight I wish I'd told her to get lost, but at the time I trusted her and wasn't prepared for a UC, particularly when things weren't going as normal. She promised she would come to the hospital with us and act as a doula for me there. So we transferred to the nearest hospital in her car. They admitted me and put me on the CTG for 20 minutes while MW and DH sat outside. Then they brought me back to a delivery room - I remember getting out the words "I want my husband and my doula". A minute later DH arrived, but no MW - I was already being pushed onto the table on my back and an IV put in, which I assumed was the oxytocin my MW had said I needed.
Then without any warning the OB cut a huge episiotomy, which I felt every bit of, as I of course had had no epidural or any pain meds at all - not even a paracetamol. Then he reached in and manually dilated my cervix, then shoved forceps in and pulled DD out.
It was absolutely the worst pain I've ever felt, and as far as I can figure out there was absolutely no need for it. DD was fine - her apgars were 8 & 9, but she was immediately taken away into another room where they did god knows what to her and I didn't even see her for over half an hour after she was born. When I did see her and try to breastfeed her they were still sewing me up - also without any anaesthetic, because they really just wanted to punish me.
The MW who had bullied us into transferring because she was annoyed it was taking too long totally abandoned us when we got there. DH was like a rabbit in the headlights and I ended up being raped and tortured simply for having tried to make the best possible choices for me and my baby.
The aftermath was also awful - I was treated with total disrespect for the 4 days they insisted on keeping us there. They made every effort to sabotage BFing, they continually took DD from the room without my permission, gave her vax without my permission or knowledge - it was just horrible, and absolutely not what I had planned.
I had had faith in my body and my baby - I wasn't scared, I was looking forward to giving birth and then snuggling up in my own bed with my new baby.
I have a question for those of you who have transferred before then planned another homebirth later. How do you find that faith again? Or do you?
I'm now living in the UK where homebirth is (at least supposedly) a viable choice for birth, and planning another homebirth. But I keep wondering if maybe I'm defective? Maybe I just can't handle pain well (though I've previously always thought I had a pretty high pain threshold).
I want to get to a place where I have faith in myself again, but also where I won't totally fall to pieces if I do end up needing to transfer again. Any ideas?