Need Advice -- How Do I Enforce Boundaries With Ex? --- Long ---

[Kinguk]

My ex is so emotionally abusive (sorry I don't know any other way to put it, that's how I feel)... It was so horrible being in a relationship with him. He's as charming as charming can be to everyone around but behind closed doors he is smothering, condescending, has a horrible temper and defensive... We knew each other for 12 YEARS (!!) before we got together... He is such an actor -- I had never seen this side of him until we moved in together. Over time he sucked the life right out of me and I became so depressed and a homebody. I finally left him after 3 yrs.

I have been single mamma for a year now and trying so hard to get back on my feet. I've had to move close to him for sanity as I had absolutely no breaks for the first 8 months after I left him. I moved closer to him -- 7 hrs from my friends and family -- so he could take her regularly and I could get breaks. Fortunately he has stuck to his word and has turned out to be a great dad afterall (he had nothing to do with her when we were together, had never even tried laying her down for a nap, and would come home from work and ask me for a break before taking her off my hands). Now, he'll take her 5 times a week.

As anticipated, I have had to set boundaries as he has started messing with my head again with the emotional minds games he plays with me.

I have had him come into my home and flip out on me numerous times. One time he came in while I was on the shitter !!and tore me a new one right there and in front of our daughter.

I have tried non-verbal communication -- notebooks in the diaper bag, emails -- it works for about 3 days at a time until he stops using them b/c it's "inconvenient and ridiculous, can we please use the phone if I promise to keep it business". Things will be fine for a while, I'll let my guard down (I'm very isolated here and he knows my weaknesses). In a way I want his company b/c I'm so isolated and it's nice to have that adult presence. But I'm always walking on egg shells around him not knowing when he's going to come in a tear me a new one.

He's been away for a month and I reinforced the non-verbal communication -- emails, texting, and I would hold the phone up to our daughter's ear so they could talk and then hang up without a word to him.

Now he's back and after two days he's already welcomed himself into my house twice -- I do not say a word to him while he's in here...I can not handle his BS nor the drama that would come from telling him he's not welcome in my house.

I'm just trying to get my life together -- starting school in August, figuring out daycare/student loan/ so on and so forth and trying to get a social life. I've been feeling great since he's been away and the fact that he's back scares the crap out of me. He brings me down so low and I don't know how to get rid of him. Why can't he just stay out of my house... How do I get him to stay out of my house? I'm normally a very strong, independent, this-is-how-it's-going-to-be kind of gal...but in this situation I have no strength...

He doesn't understand the concept of boundaries and is to preoccupied with trying to showcase to others that "we are still great friends" I don't want to be a part of his shennanigans. I just want to get on with my life.

I'm just wondering if anyone can relate and if you have any suggestions?

[LoveOhm]

I say build a support system so you are not so isolated work on your weaknesses and the strength to place boundaries will come. The more you invest in you the less another person can break you.

If you don't want him in your home say so, if you don't want to talk then stand firm, etc. but that is easier when you can really mean it.

[MeepyCat]

If my ex was "welcoming himself to my home", I'd change the locks.

[Minxie]

Originally Posted by MeepyCat

If my ex was "welcoming himself to my home", I'd change the locks.

:

[Kinguk]

Originally Posted by MeepyCat

If my ex was "welcoming himself to my home", I'd change the locks.

Well I lock the door so he has to knock, but then I eventually let him weasle his way in.

Tonight I just text messaged him from my phone saying, "when you drop her off don't come in" and he didn't; it isn't always that easy though. I just can't handle it when it's in person. It's weird.

I think it's b/c the way I feel when he does flip out on me leaves me feeling low for so long and I just can't handle having any more of those days so I let him walk all over me.

[One Art]

My ex is similar. It sounds like you want to set boundaries, but at the same time are still hopeful that you can somehow contribute to a friendly co-parenting relationship. Correct me if I'm wrong. However, if there's truth to it, I think the best thing for now would be to let go of that hope. My ex also has "good streaks" where he is charming and on his best behavior... and then he flips. I communicate only via email (that way things are documented if he attacks me through email, which he does regularly), and I put an end to exchanges at either of our houses long ago. I would recommend informing him (through email) that you don't want him at your house anymore, and that you will be doing exchanges at the local police station parking lot. Extra driving is a lot less stressful than dealing with what you've described. Good luck!

[LoveOhm]

Originally Posted by One Art

My ex is similar. It sounds like you want to set boundaries, but at the same time are still hopeful that you can somehow contribute to a friendly co-parenting relationship. Correct me if I'm wrong. However, if there's truth to it, I think the best thing for now would be to let go of that hope. My ex also has "good streaks" where he is charming and on his best behavior... and then he flips. I communicate only via email (that way things are documented if he attacks me through email, which he does regularly), and I put an end to exchanges at either of our houses long ago. I would recommend informing him (through email) that you don't want him at your house anymore, and that you will be doing exchanges at the local police station parking lot. Extra driving is a lot less stressful than dealing with what you've described. Good luck!

Great advice and suggestions OneArt!

[Kinguk]

Originally Posted by One Art

My ex is similar. It sounds like you want to set boundaries, but at the same time are still hopeful that you can somehow contribute to a friendly co-parenting relationship. Correct me if I'm wrong. However, if there's truth to it, I think the best thing for now would be to let go of that hope. My ex also has "good streaks" where he is charming and on his best behavior... and then he flips. I communicate only via email (that way things are documented if he attacks me through email, which he does regularly), and I put an end to exchanges at either of our houses long ago. I would recommend informing him (through email) that you don't want him at your house anymore, and that you will be doing exchanges at the local police station parking lot. Extra driving is a lot less stressful than dealing with what you've described. Good luck!

At this point I don't want a "friendly co-parenting relationship"...that will come in time. Right now I just want to get my life back and find myself tiptoeing around him to keep things peaceful. This month has been all email and I love that everything's documented.

I never wanted him at my house in the first place but didn't know how that could be possible with dropping off/picking up baby. I never thought of having a meetup point. That's an awesome idea and I will be doing that. We only live 10 mins apart so it's not a huge inconvienience and definitely less stressful than me wondering what's going to happen once he arrives. Thanks!!

[pinetree]

If you don't do the public location thing for exchanges, change your locks! There is no way that he should be walking in to your house like that.

For phone calls, let them go to an answering machine, then respond with one email at the end of the evening. Respond politely and fully. But do not pick up the phone when he calls even if it is "just about business". If it's an emergency, you can call him back immediately. But only for emergencies.

For exchanges if they are at your house, take your dd kindly and then walk inside and shut and lock the door behind you. He does not enter. This is your space. If he were respecting boundaries, he would be welcome into the foyer/living room/first room of the house but no further unless he had proved himself for quite some time.

And dont' feel guilty. He's the one that has shown the need for these boundaries. At all times though, remain polite and with a friendly but firm tone. Don't let him see you frazzled. Ever. (if at all possible)

[MaerynPearl]

My ex refuses to allow me into his house (i never try but he has outright told me im not welcome there) yet gets pissy with me if I dont allow him into mine.

He was also the emotionally/mentally abusive and controlling type.

[pinetree]

Originally Posted by MaerynPearl

My ex refuses to allow me into his house (i never try but he has outright told me im not welcome there) yet gets pissy with me if I dont allow him into mine.

He was also the emotionally/mentally abusive and controlling type.

Sounds familiar. :

I let him decide what is going on at his house (the difference is that legally, right now, his house is also my house... that's where he's not letting me in...) but I get to decide what is going on at my house. He has no rights at all to my house - legal or otherwise. I'm polite, I'm respectful... but if he wants in right now, I'm calling the police with trespassing charges. End of story. He can get pissy with them instead of with me.

He decided a third party exchange was best.

[QueenOfThePride]

kinguk, your ex sounds a lot like mine. He's very good at being a 'pillar of the community', but in private he is one big basket of crazy. I had to get the police involved to set boundaries, and we do kid drop-offs either at the daycare, or by other friends or relatives. I just figured he can't hurt me if he can't see me. I'm also very socially isolated, and have been striving to reconnect with old friends.

[LoveOhm]

I wanted to add that reading experiences like all these mentioned above helps me better appreciate why some families opt for extended EOWs --- starting with the NCP picking up Friday from school/daycare and returning the child to school /daycare Monday morning.

As of now I am a solo mama but if I had an involved ex I would rather that than seeing him all the time.

[Kinguk]

Originally Posted by QueenOfThePride

kinguk, your ex sounds a lot like mine. He's very good at being a 'pillar of the community', but in private he is one big basket of crazy. I had to get the police involved to set boundaries, and we do kid drop-offs either at the daycare, or by other friends or relatives. I just figured he can't hurt me if he can't see me. I'm also very socially isolated, and have been striving to reconnect with old friends.

Yes. Pillar of the Community is right.

I am trying to reconnect with old friends as well. I am surprised they still talk to me after three years of my falling off the eearth from them... I have amazing friends Except, now they're at a distance and still in party mode...

I'm making new friends...it's a slow process when everybody has family commitments and early curfews!

[Julesy777]

Been there

WOW! I was reading your post and I thought I was reading my journal - scary. My ex was also emotionally, mentally and verbally abusive along w/ being physically abusive and an alocoholic. I kicked him out back in Nov 2008, but we kept "hanging out" with each other until recently I found out he was seeing somebody else. It crushed my heart, surprisingly. I spoke w/ the girl by phone and I told her she could have him. After all he wasnt a winner and I had kicked him out 7 mos prior b/c I was tired of his crap and finally woke up. Our dtr is 12, so he is able to call her cell, and we dont have to talk - AWESOME! He picked her up once, with the new girl. Jerk. Anyhow, 3 wks into their relationship he starts calling and calling, and like an idiot I let him back in. Huge mistake, HUGE! Guys like that need to have firm boudaries, and we have to be strong to stick to them! What has helped me: my relationship with God through Jesus Christ, I have told him to only contact me if its re: our dtr, my family and I have been reading on breaking soul ties, GOOD STUFF. Check out this website http://www.libertysavard.com/keys_difficult_issues.html
Personally, I would move back to where my family and support system are. Your dtr needs you to be healthy (emotionally and mentally) so you can be the best parent you can be to her. Have you heard the analogy, similarity of taking care of yourself and placing the oxygen mask over your head on an airplane before applying it to your child? In essence, the airline wants you to take care of yourself first so you are better equipped to take care of your children.
http://www.beyourverybest.org/single...ygen-mask/408/
My favorite verse: Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.