How do you expalin your GD approach to others?

[kimmypoo]

My mom watches my LO once a week and she strongly believes in spanking.
I grew up being spanked and thought it was ok to spank. ANd even though I turned out ok, I think I would have turned out the same (if not better) with other methods, too, yk. Anyway, then I had DD, now I think it's wrong and that there are other ways to discipline. Especially since I think she's too young (1yo) to understand why she's being hit.
So the other day, DD was pulling things off the coffee table and I told her not to and then redirected her. Well, my mom said to "pop" her hand. I said she's too young to spank. She said no she's not, anyway you don't hurt her, it's just enough to hurt her feelings and she won't do it again. My mom then pointed out that my aunt didn't spank my cousins and now they're both in their 30's still living with mom and dad, 1 doesn't work, the other is divorced with a son that he doesn't take care of, etc. (personally, I think they would've turned out that way regardless, but that's another story.)
So, anyway, we really need her to babysit, we don't have any other options right now. I'm not good at explaining things, I just know that GD feels right for us. How do you explain to relatives that you don't spank? What books have you read that have the best explanation for GD?

[tanyam926]

Yikes! Are you sure there is no other person available to babysit?

I understand about not having options, it was like that for me when I got divorced a few yrs ago and had to work. My gma watched my youngest (at the time) for a little while and I was always worried about that. She believes in spanking but not really spanking the gkids ya know? Plus she adored my son and wouldn't even let anyone say anything bad about him, so in our case it worked as a temp solution.

If you think there is even a remote chance that gma might spank or hit your lo I would try to find alt arrangements. I would def tell your mom in no uncertain terms that you find spanking deplorable and if she were to EVER spank your kid and you found out she would not get unsupervised time w/gkid again.

What you told her about lo not being old enough is too wishy washy, you need to be crystal clear. If she does anything except completely accept and respect your position, find someone else. I know it's hard and I feel for you and I really understand. I also know that you love your baby and that you are strong enough to make sure she is treated well, no matter how hard that is.

Good luck mama!

[kimmypoo]

Thanks, it's just that I know if I could give her an explanation with good reasons for why I don't spank, she'll have to respect that, yk. But I'm not good at explaining things so I wanted to load up on info before I sat down to talk to her. So when she makes a point, I can say," well that doesn't work and here's why." if that makes sense.

[tanyam926]

Yeah, that does make sense!

For me, it always goes back to 2 things:

1. My children are PEOPLE that deserve love, compassion, and respect.
2. I want my children to really internalize the lessons they learn. This means that explaining things to them, engaging them in discussion (as they get older), and modeling the right behavior are going to help them really believe that kindness and love as the answer. Hitting, shaming, and other punishments only show them that the bigger person or one w/more power gets to set the rules.

[chipper26]

1. Why would you want to hurt her feelings?" She's one and doesn't know any better and does not have the control to listen (Unless maybe she was fearful of a certain situation.) It takes more energy to redirect and put a positive spin on things, but then your relationship is more positive and trustworthy.

2. I wouldn't want my 1-year-old, who trusts me, to also be hit by me. That is confusing to a baby! Also, when you "pop" her it DOES hurt and it DOES scare her. It's not fair to do to a kid who isn't being "bad", just curious. The behaviors displayed by young children are not malicious and "bad," so they don't deserve punishment.

3. They need teaching and redirection. The goal is teaching, not training like a dog (a Pavlovian response type approach.)

[ExuberantDaffodil]

There are people (whom I love) in my life who do believe in spanking. They often watch my son. Early on, I was pretty vocal about looking for more creative ways of parenting and guiding than spanking, and then made it ABUNDANTLY clear that no was was allowed to spank my child other than me (which of course, I don't). Eventually, the people in my life have watched my redirection and other guidance strategies and can agree they work "just as well as spanking" ()

Even when I first met my partner, he believed in spanking. After watching me parent for two years, he is firmly against it. Sometimes you just have show other people that you can have a respectful child who knows his/her boundaries without having been spanked.

[ann_of_loxley]

When people ask/question/suggest something I would never do to my child I explain it like this:

1). I want my DS to do the right thing for the right reason - hence my discipline approach. EX: He is not going to do the right thing for the right reason if he is doing the right thing because he is afraid I will hurt him (like spank him).

and

2). I dont want to 'do to' my child - I want to 'work with' my child. This ensures their emotional health, thinking/problem soliving skills, expands our trust and attachment in eachother, etc. It all makes out for a much more healthy indvidiual. Spanking for example is me doing something to my child - it doesn't leave much room for actual intelligent learning to go on. Sure, there are parenting 'techniques' that 'work' fast in the short term - but they don't look at the long run concequences. I don't by the 'this happened to me and I turned out fine' - I mean, I was molested and abused in many other ways growing up in many different kinds of foster homes as a child and yeah - I turned out fine (or so many people think - I mean, what exactly is 'fine'?) but that doesn't make a single bad thing that happened to me okay in any way - and I have had years of counceling! I don't want my parenting 'backup' to be counceling to fix what I screwed up in the future for my child/ren!

[mom2grrls]

You can tell her you know many people who were not spanked as children and turned out to be productive members of society. I am one of them

[nummies]

I get this all the time.

"Why don't you just spank him?!"

"Because we don't believe in hitting. We don't hit our dogs, our neighbors, or each other, so we don't hit our kids either."

And leave it at that. My mom did spank us growing up, but I have no doubt that she would not spank her grandson. She follows our rules pretty well and recognizes that he is our child.