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Is 50/50 always best?

2K views 40 replies 25 participants last post by  bokn 
#1 ·
Assuming that there's no abuse or questionable behaviour, is 50/50 custody always best for the child?

I'm really struggling with this. STBX is not abusive, he is gainfully employed, very successful at his career and loves DD. He is also passive-aggressive, selfish and manipulative. He never spent much time with her while we were married and we've been building up the time she spends with him, very gradually, over the last 2 years. I can see her struggling with it, changes in sleep-patterns and behaviour, etc. which I know is perfectly normal in these situations and we've (I should say, I) have been dealing with all those issues with her.

The thing is, I know I'm a better parent. I'm better suited to it, it's just a personality thing. He has no clue what to do and he's not really willing to learn. I'm not talking about the fact that he does things differently, I really do mean that he has no idea! I'm also concerned about the longer-term effect of his behaviour and how it will hurt her. I know that I will always be here and that I can act as a buffer and that she has to learn to deal with both her parent's quirks. I know that. But should I fight for something other than 50/50? Is there any point? I would love to have a friendly relationship with him and I've been (me, myself and I, it's been all one-sided) for that for over 2 years. I've been bending and giving until I feel like I'm going to break. (Ironically, he left me!).

Am I allowing what I want (as much time with my DD as I can) to colour what is best for her? I would be okay with 50/50 if I knew she would thrive. I know she'll turn out alright either way, but I feel like I should make it easier for her if I can, KWIM?

Please don't quote me as I might delete some of this later on.


ETA: yes, I knew about his issues when I had a child with him. I simply assumed that I'd be there doing the bulk of the parenting (we had agreed I'd be a SAHM) and effectively diluting the behaviour.
 
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#2 ·
Mine may be the minority opinion, but I don't believe that 50-50 custody is best for every child. Especially for younger children, I think the constant back-and-forthing is unhealthy for their attachment abilities and that social science studies confirm this (I posted some links, by request, ages ago - I can pull again if you need). I personally believe that one custodial parent plus brief visitations by the other parent, if he chooses to be involved, is the way to go for most younger kids.

My own child is entirely solo parented. She's had the same home, bed, dinner table, discipliner, every day of her life and I believe that - while it wasn't what I intended when by husband and i became pregnant and lovingly planned a child - it turns out to be exactly the best home and family for my particular child.

Add in a situation like yours where one parent is better for the child than another, and yes, of course 50-50 wouldn't be best for the child. 50-50 then is based on "equal rights by both parents" instead of "what's best for the child."
 
#4 ·
i do 50/50. it's really hard on my kids. the 3yo is always trying to figure out how long he'll be here and when he goes to his other house and worrying about where he'll be when. the almost 2yo is more easygoing with it, but he has a really hard time with being away from me that much. always, the first evening i have them home with me they eat nonstop, freak out a lot, and go to bed early. it confirms my belief that mcdonald's, tv, and candy aren't actually good parenting tools. try telling my ex that.


anyways, you can try it with the intention of altering the plan to fit your child's needs. some kids probably adapt to it better than others.
 
#5 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by tynme View Post
Seasons:

I'd be interested in those links about the link between attachment and 50/50, also any other links you may have (or anyone else) to prove that 50/50 is not in the best interest of the child.


Just PMed you.
 
#6 ·
RainbowTurtle,
when my DD was younger my ex moved to the town I live in and insisted on 50/50 out of the blue. I balked of course, and suggested that we send DD to a counselor, and see what the counselor thought about his plan. I let him pick who DD would see. After months of talking to DD, exH, stepmom, me, and stepdad, we all decided it would be best for DD to live at my house and visit his house. She needed desperately to be grounded, and that's how we did it. Your daughter is all the proof you need... if you think she needs you, you are probably right. Go with your mama instinct.
 
#8 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Seasons View Post
50-50 then is based on "equal rights by both parents" instead of "what's best for the child."


Very much so. I firmly believe that many 50/50 parenting plans are based on the parents "right" to the children rather than on providing the child with a stable environment where they can grow to their best potential. I'm all about liberal visitation rights. But a child needs a place that is their "home" and speaking as an adult who traveled for work (to the same location every week) for an extended time period, there gets a point where you leave the light on in the bathroom so that you know which way to walk when you wake up in the middle of the night.

A child doesn't need that uncertainty.

And yes, I know there are many who would disagree with me.
 
#9 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Seasons View Post
Add in a situation like yours where one parent is better for the child than another, and yes, of course 50-50 wouldn't be best for the child. 50-50 then is based on "equal rights by both parents" instead of "what's best for the child."
My STBX is insisting (as in, we might be in court for years if I decide to "fight") on 50/50. Is it better to sign for 50/50 and not have that constant fear of ending up back in court and spending a fortune? Is it better to fight for what's best for my DD? If I'm truly doing what's best, isn't having two parents who aren't fighting best??? Oh my goodness, I don't know if I'm coming or going anymore and it's been 2 years. We're just getting to the paperwork. Big mistake, waiting this long.

Seasons, I would love those links please and thank you!
 
#10 ·
rainbow i have been grateful that my ex has worked with me on this.

how old is your dd? depends on that.

my ex had no clue till dd was around 3.

we did things v. gradually. he worked with me. during hte first 3 years of her life i did the bulk parenting.

at 3 she started spending overnights and we did one day on, one day off. but gradually. dd got her say where she wanted to be. always. if either of us was available.

so since dd was about 5 50/50 is best for her. it doesnt stay that way really. somedays its more me usually, sometimes its more him.

she needs both of us. my ex tries to be a caring dad but he has control issues.

however no matter what - and she still has trouble adjusting between both homes even though its been 5 years (the behaviour issues came back again at 5 and then went away) - she needs both of us. in fact somedays i have to encourage her to go spend time with her dad if she spends too much time with me. otherwise suddenly she wakes up in teh middle of the night or some other time crying for her dad when it isnt convenient to make the switch.

so its been a progression. my ex didnt like me bf beyond 2 but never insisted on it.

i really feel what we had was the best.

the thing i have discovered is there is no right answer. it so depends on the child.

even at 2 if i was solo dd would have been devasted not seeing her dad. yet she would have been devastated if it had been 50/50. even today we do every alternate day. dd is still not ready for 3 and 4 days or something like that. it works well for her dad and me too.

however there is a dangerous sentence you have used. the 'better parenting' sentence.

there is no set better parent. we do well at different times. for instance i am v. v. good with babies and children, and ex is v. good with teenagers.

ex has no clue to 'respect' my dd as a person. he is way strict and expects too much out of her. i think that's why one day on and one day off works for us. which means she vents at my place which is a compliment.

so 50/50 at around 4 or 5 was when it works for us.

however i am sad that it truly is about the parents rights rather than the children's.
 
#11 ·
I would do whatever it takes to ensure my child's needs are being met in the best possible way.

I agree with the others that 50/50 is only for the parents and doesn't work well for most children.

There are a few other options I want to present.

I know of 2 different families where they lived close enough (like on the same street) as one another so the children could see both parents everyday and go back and forth. I have honestly never met more well-adjusted kids in my life. Knowing they weren't being forced, knowing they had choice and liberal access to each parent really was the best situation possible.

If your ex is insisting on 50/50...instead of immediately thinking of court have you considered getting a child psychologist involved to help the 3 of you really determine the best needs of your child? Another alternative may be to go to mediation. It's far less expensive and time consuming.

Whatever happens, I wish you all well.
 
#12 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by RainbowTurtle View Post
My STBX is insisting (as in, we might be in court for years if I decide to "fight") on 50/50. Is it better to sign for 50/50 and not have that constant fear of ending up back in court and spending a fortune? Is it better to fight for what's best for my DD? If I'm truly doing what's best, isn't having two parents who aren't fighting best??? Oh my goodness, I don't know if I'm coming or going anymore and it's been 2 years. We're just getting to the paperwork. Big mistake, waiting this long.
why is he fighting you on 50/50? because he doesnt want to pay child support? or is it a power issue? or does he genuinely want his dd even though he lacks the skill?
 
#13 ·
The default in my state is 50-50. I had 3 different lawyers who told me that I could spend a lot of money trying but I wasn't going to get any more than 50-50. Unless one parent voluntarily gives up custody or is a DOCUMENTED abuser the judge will grant 50-50 custody. That's it.

So 50-50 is what we have. So far the kids are doing OK. I hope as they get older we can have more flexibility and it can be a little bit more up to them as to which house they want to go to.

I read a TON of peer reviewed literature about this when I was researching divorce. And like with anything having to do with parenting you can find studies to show 50-50 is best, and others that show having more of a home base is best. I did find one study that showed that the most important factor for the kid was "parental warmth" with at least one parent. As long as a kid has one parent who they feel secure and comfortable with, the living arrangements don't seem to make much difference. That was reassuring to me.
 
#15 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot View Post
If your ex is insisting on 50/50...instead of immediately thinking of court have you considered getting a child psychologist involved to help the 3 of you really determine the best needs of your child? Another alternative may be to go to mediation. It's far less expensive and time consuming.
We've been to see a psychologist (who was full of it in STBX's opinion), a pediatrician who specialises in separation anxiety and we're currently going to mediation. We're looking at booking session #3. BUT he wouldn't talk unless I agree to 50/50 eventually (starting within the next year at the most).
 
#16 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by meemee View Post
why is he fighting you on 50/50? because he doesnt want to pay child support? or is it a power issue? or does he genuinely want his dd even though he lacks the skill?
He feels that he should, it would look bad if he didn't and he thinks he should want DD 50% of the time. It's possible therefore he should go for it. It's only fair. I think he truly wants to have her half the time, for all those reasons. It's not a case of not wanting to pay child support, he is totally fine with that (in fact, he would have to pay me quite a bit even at 50/50 because he earns so much more than I do).
 
#17 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by tripleaces View Post
For him it's become a big game of who will "win", who can hurt who, when all I want is to have well adjusted and happy kids.

Awww. Hugs mama. I feel for you and I feel exactly like you do. I think I would be joining you down that road if I fought for something other than 50/50.
 
#19 ·
I agree that every child and every case is different. The only kids I know that do 50/50 are my son's step-siblings and they aren't doing so well. Of course it probably doesn't help that their parents are constantly antagonizing each other and in court frequently. At any rate, I'm soooo glad that 50/50 is not the norm in my state. It only happens when both parents agree to it. It can be tricky dealing with school in a 50/50 situation. You and the xh have to plan to live pretty close to one another for quite a long time.
 
#20 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by NolaRiordan View Post
The default in my state is 50-50. Unless one parent voluntarily gives up custody or is a DOCUMENTED abuser the judge will grant 50-50 custody. That's it.
Hey NolaRiordan ... now I'm curious about what state you're in. Would you be willing to share?

I too am thinking about this a lot these days. My husband had very little actually interest in DS until I started talking about leaving. He had always talked a big game about what an amazing father he was going to be, but when it came right down to it that day was never today. Ugh. And then when I finally realized that I think I want to separate he all of a sudden became really interested in applying for FULL CUSTODY of our sun. Literally, right out of the blue, as far as I could tell.

Even now he wants 50/50, which I don't think is a good idea. I'm a much better parent, more in tune with DS, pay WAY more attention to his needs, spend time trying to help him learn, actually feed him healthy meals, etc, etc, etc. One of the reasons I'm still torn about what to do is because I'm afraid how this aspect of the split will affect DS.

I suppose I should probably call a lawyer for advice at some point. Sigh. I just wish that none of this was happening. I wish it had all turned out differently.
 
#21 ·
No, 50/50 physical isn't always best. Even the studies that say the majority of the children do well show that not all (and it isn't a low percentage, either) children do well.

Why? Because children aren't robots. They are unique individuals. What one child can handle, the next can't.
 
#22 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Seasons View Post
Mine may be the minority opinion, but I don't believe that 50-50 custody is best for every child.
I agree with this. I don't see why it would be, honestly. I think 50-50 is what is supposed to be fairest for the adults.
 
#23 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by RainbowTurtle View Post
He feels that he should, it would look bad if he didn't and he thinks he should want DD 50% of the time. It's possible therefore he should go for it. It's only fair. I think he truly wants to have her half the time, for all those reasons. It's not a case of not wanting to pay child support, he is totally fine with that (in fact, he would have to pay me quite a bit even at 50/50 because he earns so much more than I do).
rainbow if he isnt going to listen to the actual people then i cant see how articles will change his view.

i do think though from what you wrote about his intentions that it sounds like a good thing.

perhaps you can talk to him in a supportive way. and imply that you want to be supportive in his parenting journey. that at least till the age of 3 you want to go by how she feels. let her decide. that she doesnt leave you or him screaming and crying just coz the court wrote such and such days are your or his days.

i have been v. firm at times and really lenient too (against the wishes of my friends) because it was the best decision for our dd.

right now i think he really feels attacked as a parent. and he perhaps feels v. insecure with his parenting skills. especially knowing you are better at it. the fact that he wants to will really go a long way to help him and you and your dd in the long run.

the few times i have spoken to my ex about dd's situation, i have ALWAYS done so in a way that sounds like it comes from dd. what she has said or wants. i find he hears better if i speak thru my dd's actions or words.

i really do think intentions make a huge difference. its one thing not knowing how to parent, but its a whole different story if he is not at all interested.

it is for that reason i dont consider myself as the person who knows what's best for my dd. even as a toddler she has surprised me with what i thought was right for her.

so be open minded and play it by ear.

in your case sounds like 50/50 might work. in fact he sounds like he could use some parenting classes help which i am sure he would never willingly go to.
 
#24 ·
We do 60/40, and my DD cries and can't sleep every time on the day she comes home, and worries about the next time she has to go to daddy's. X is not an abuser, he has a messy house and is disorganized, but otherwise is a good parent and DD and DS both love him.

DD dreads the day she has to go there
DS doesn't say much, but when he does he expresses that he wants to be in my home (his home)

I am in the process of documenting everything, so I can have them for the entire school week, he would just have them on friday night and all day saturday. He could also see them whenever he wants during the week.

My children are older (9 and 14)

I have come to the conclusion that our arrangement works great for us (the adults) and our worjk schedules, etc.

BUT it is damaging to the kids.

jme
 
#25 ·
This has also been an ongoing stuggle for us as well. X is not a bad parent, but he certainly wasn't a 50% parent while we were together.

Very recently my lawyer talked with me for a long time and I realized that if he really is wanting 50/50 to avoid child support, get back at me, or any other reason, that our kids will pick up on that, and that's on him. But if I stand in the way of what he thinks is fair to THEM (that being 50/50 custody, which like a pp poster said, is not about the kids but the adults), then he'll always fight me for it, always cause all this drama, and put the girls in the middle ("Don't you want to live with me half the time and your Mom half the time?") Which is healthier? Who knows, but my relationship with them will not be as stressed as if I continue to fight him, KWIM? Because my ex won't just drop out of the picture, and I don't want him to. Otherwise I'd fight, because I hate 50/50 custody. I've posted about it several times.

But he'll either prove that he's a good dad or prove something else. Either way, my kids have to figure it out on their own. It sucks, but we all have something we have to deal with.

She also pointed out that my (young) children say they don't want to go to Daddy's because they pick up on the fact that I don't want them to go. They're trying to comfort ME and that's not their job and I don't want to put that responsibilty on them.

Seasons, can you pm me your links?
 
#26 ·
I'm weighing in. No, I dont think 50/50 is best for kids, especially younger ones.

But maybe thats me, as I am also fighting the battle with my (previously uninvolved) stbx. He wants 50/50, and we live 3,000 miles apart. So he wants 21 month old ds to live 6 months of the year with me, and 6 months with him.

Talk about a recipe for instability.

Very rarely do I think 50/50 works well. Of course, there are divorced/separated parents who are amicable, who truly strive to create 2 healthy homes, and who work well together to provide the stability and support kids need as they bounce from house to house each week, or several times a week.

But I dont have one of those divorces. And I will spend every penny I have, and place myself in extraordinary debt to make sure my son is not party to a 50/50 arrangement, especially since MY ex is asking for 50/50 because he doesnt want to pay [as much] child support.

He was an uninvolved parent, and his main objective throughout the divorce process is to hide/conceal/lie about money so that he doesnt have to pay: child support, daycare expenses, medical insurance for ds, or pay me a settlement from the property, house, and business we ran together. Am I going to fight for full custody. Oh hell, yes.

I agree with meemee, motivation for the non-primary parent to ask for 50/50 makes a BIG difference.

Go with your heart, and go with what you think will be best for YOUR kids specifically. Everyone is different.
 
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