Arguing in front of kids- ok?

[Dandelionkid]

My DH and I are VERY different and it seems like we argue a lot, or have heated debates in front of the kids. They don't SEEM to mind but do you think it's harmful? I grew up in a home where confrontation was avoided so I like being able to express my feelings honestly to DH. We don't call names or yell though. Is it only wrong when it is about the kids?

[LDSmomma]

I feel like DH and I argue a lot, too (think Jon & Kate! ), but I think I'd rather not do it in front of kids when they're older. I think you're right, that it's important to have open communication, but I think I'll try and do that when kids aren't around. Not sure how well we'll do about that, though!

[Bellamaphone]

I actually had this discussion with my hubbie the other day. We came to the consensus that because our arguements were more like heated discussions without name calling or extremes whatsoever that it may actually be beneficial for our daughter to learn how to argue with her future partner without it being something alarming. Of course just our opinion though. I did worry about it at first. And not that we argue all that frequently.

[Beene]

I guess you'd have to define arguing. If you don't yell or insult each other, it seems like a disagreement. If you have a healthy way to communicate that avoids a blow up, I think you're teaching your kids valuable conflict resolution skills and it's a lot healthier than repression, which would hurt them more in the long term. However, dramatic outbursts should be avoided in their presence. I have a play-by-play vivid memory of my mother and my father arguing one day. I was less than two at the time and I really think this is now my last memory of him (he dropped out of my life shortly thereafter).

Also, arguing A LOT could have negative effects, as no doubt kids are sensitive to your level of anxiety.

I would suggest finding a healthy, open way to communicate during a disagreement and finding a way to remain calm despite differences.

My DH and I do something very helpful. When we sense that one person is annoying the other, we both walk away for at least 15 minutes. I take my son for a walk, he goes to read in another room, something of the sort. By the time 15 minutes are up neither one of us is angry, and if the disagreement is still there we are able to discuss it calmly instead of blowing up and being so reactionary!

[lanamommyphd07]

as long as they also see the successful resolution and how you got to it (except for the angry sex kind), then arguing in front of children teaches volumes...of course I mean the rational type, not the mean hostile nasty type.

[Multimomma]

like lanamommy, i'll say that it's good for kids to see resolution and such. However, if your arguing is the kind of nitpicking stuff, where the other person didn't do something your way and you're cranky, that really sets them up to think that it doesn't matter how other people do something, MY way is the only way and I can argue about it until the other person is acquiescent. That's what my mother does to every partner she has...and it's been the worse habit for me to unlearn in my marriage.

[cappuccinosmom]

My dh grew up in a home seeing that all the time and it settled in his mind that it's OK to be mean/disrespectful/argumentative *all* the time. We're working on that.

I think it's OK to *disagree* with a spouse in front of the children, or even have a hearty debate, as long as you come to a resolution, make apologies as needed, show respect for the other side, etc. If you have something nasty to say, save it for in private, both to avoid modeling such behavior to a child and to avoid degrading your spouse in the eyes of your children.

[kblackstone444]

Sometimes my Hubby and I argue in front of the kids. If done properly (without anger and with respect), it can teach them very valuable problem solving and communication skills.

[mama_mojo]

I think it depends on flavor and frequency and length. My parents fought pretty frequently as we got older, but even when we were younger the flavor (intensity) of their fights was quite scary. Also, if you have given yourself permission to fight in front of them, I think it's important to distinguish between a real disagreement and just being disagreeable. And, I think fights that go on and on need a different audience (or no audience )

[Juuulie]

Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom

I think it's OK to *disagree* with a spouse in front of the children, or even have a hearty debate, as long as you come to a resolution, make apologies as needed, show respect for the other side, etc.

I agree completely! In fact, I would almost go so far as to say that it's your duty to do so. Neither hubby nor I had good role models in that department and as a result we are both huge conflict avoiders. This means we get along great but I wish we were better able to show our kids what ought to happen when people disagree.

[Mama.Pajama]

Your reasons for arguing are at the heart of the answer.

I did not grow up in an environment that avoided conflicts (they rather sought every opportunity to have one ), but I can relate to your instinct of trying to avoid the display in front of your kids. I think it all depends on which definition of "argue" you are implying.

argue |ˈärgyoō|
verb ( -gues , -gued , -guing )
1 [ reporting verb ] give reasons or cite evidence in support of an idea, action, or theory, typically with the aim of persuading others to share one's view : [with clause ] defense attorneys argue that the police lacked “probable cause” to arrest the driver | [with direct speech ] “It stands to reason,” she argued.
• [ trans. ] ( argue someone into/out of) persuade someone to do or not to do (something) by giving reasons : I tried to argue him out of it.
2 [ intrans. ] exchange or express diverging or opposite views, typically in a heated or angry way : don't argue with me | figurative I wasn't going to argue with a gun | [ trans. ] she was too tired to argue the point.

If your definition is more in line with 1, I think it's generally alright to do this in front of your kids, so long as no one is disrespecting, bullying, belittling, name-calling, etc. Like Multimomma said, if you are "nitpicking" at each other constantly, this is not healthy, for you two or the kids.

If your definition is more in line with 2, emphasizing the "angry," I think this could be potentially unhealthy- having parents that are constantly pissed at each other sucks- your relationship would poison their future relationship endeavors. We do tend to play out the roles ingrained by our parents, after all. (Have you ever heard your mom's voice come out of your mouth?)


If you two are finding ways to solve problems in a way that mutually respects each person's feelings and opinions and exemplifies compromise, by all means let it be in front of them. In so doing, you are teaching them how to solve problems in their current and future relationships- this is an example that will influence them for the rest of their lives IMO an extremely positive way.

[amandaleigh37]

I don't think there's anything wrong with healthy arguing in front of kids. Like anything else in life, it's up to us to model for them the "right" way to handle things, and arguing is a part of life. I think it's important for our kids to see us apologize to each other, express anger and frustration (without violence or belittling) and find solutions.

Of course, with that said... In real life I know arguments don't always stay diplomatic.. I'll be first to admit I have a nasty temper and at times have let arguments get out of hand (in terms of language and volume!) It's something I'm working on, and especially I don't want my DS to learn this from me.

[SandraS]

My hubby and I have never argued (not kidding), but I don't think I would in front of the kids. Healthy DISCUSSIONS in front of them might be okay, but it's really none of their business, IMO, if there's a larger disagreement between their daddy and me.

I hope I didn't just jinx us. LOL Hubby and I are so ridiculously laid back that there's frankly nothing important enough that we've ever argued over. Thank God!

[Just My Opinion]

I don't think arguing in front of children is healthy, personally. In some respects, I can see where healthy disagreements, modeling how to safely and effectively disagree, modeling conflict resolution, apology is very important -- but at the same time, I want to model for dd that marital conflict is not to be put on display for the general public...know what I mean?

I find too often that people think nothing of airing all their business to anyone who will listen, and that is decremental to a marriage (except in a counseling situation of course!).

Also, dd adores us both -- and I find that the few times we have had arguments in front of her (however minor) it has affected her in that she felt she had to mediate, or ... pick a side... or something. Things like, "apologize to mama, daddy" or whatever -- which really upset me -- that she was taking on the burden of our argument -- again, even when the arguement was minor!

It isn't as though I believe that children should live in a bubble where their parents are shiny happy robots all the time who do nothing but adore each other every moment -- but I think healthy conflict resolution can be learned just as easily by witnessing a situation where the parents disagree, but agree to discuss it when they have a private moment --- this also models self-control, which is lacking more in our society (imo) than the 'benefit' of witnessing conflict.

JMO.

[Cherry Alive]

It depends on the age of the child, what you are fighting about, and how you are fighting. It's not okay when there's name-calling (which is never okay to begin with), nasty tonality, screaming at each other, and any kind of abuse involved.

Also, when it's about your relationship (or about the relationship with your ILs/parents) or about child-rearing, it shouldn't be in front of the kids either. It's too easy for them to feel like they should take sides or take the blame.

My mother and biological father would have very ugly fights. My mom could be very verbally abusive—to the point she was calling him names. My father, OTOH, would become violent.

My mother and SD would fight in front of me and my sister, but it got very toxic to be around when they'd tear into each other about their relationship and when my SD would later tell me he was worried they'd get a divorce.

This was a very unhealthy environment for me and my sister to grow up in. Often it felt like nothing was ever stable.

My dad and stepmom never fought in front of us, and while I don't think they were really good parents (for other reasons) I really respect them for doing this. However, there was a lot of passive-aggressiveness, too, and the way things got resolved was 90% one-sided (my father pretty much got to call all the shots).

DH and I have fought a couple times in front of DD (3 months old). We try not to raise our voices (we'll let each other know if we start to), and we never ever name call (this is a rule we've had for years). Most of the time, she's been asleep when it's happened. The other times she didn't notice (we were very careful about the tone and volume of our voices).

However, we've both decided it's something we need to work on. I'm hoping it will be easier for us to have private time to argue when she gets older and plays more on her own and has earlier bedtimes.

[Bug-a-Boo's Mama]

I hate it. I truly do. DH started it though . We really don't have screaming/yelling matches. But a lot more bickering than I would like. DH so knows how to push my buttons but acts like he is innocent. He is much better at remaining calm than I am-which just PO's me off more. And I LOVE : how he acts like he doesn't know this or it is a new thing.



ETA~
I just read some of the other responses. We don't do name calling (okay in my mind I do ) or insults-I don't think, if so it would be very rare.

[kirstenb]

Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom

I think it's OK to *disagree* with a spouse in front of the children, or even have a hearty debate, as long as you come to a resolution, make apologies as needed, show respect for the other side, etc. If you have something nasty to say, save it for in private, both to avoid modeling such behavior to a child and to avoid degrading your spouse in the eyes of your children.

My thoughts exactly. DH and I have had some pretty heated arguements in front of DS which probably would have been better to have behind closed doors. We never really worried about it when he was a baby, but he's getting older and we are making a greater effort to save the heated ones for when he is in bed. I think it's important though that DS sees how we handle disagreements so when he is married down the road he has a good frame of reference for dealing with this. Conflict resolution is an important skill to have.

[Quinalla]

Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon

Sometimes my Hubby and I argue in front of the kids. If done properly (without anger and with respect), it can teach them very valuable problem solving and communication skills.

I agree, it also shows them a realistic relationship. Even spouses don't always agree, but they should "fight" fair.

[SunshineJ]

Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom

My dh grew up in a home seeing that all the time and it settled in his mind that it's OK to be mean/disrespectful/argumentative *all* the time.

DH grew up in a similar environment, but it had the opposite effect. He will NEVER argue in front of the children. He hated living like that as a kid. However, we honestly really just don't argue and do tend to get along that well, so it's thankfully never been an issue for us regardless.

[Dandelionkid]

Originally Posted by Bug-a-Boo's Mama

I hate it. I truly do. DH started it though . We really don't have screaming/yelling matches. But a lot more bickering than I would like. DH so knows how to push my buttons but acts like he is innocent. He is much better at remaining calm than I am-which just PO's me off more. And I LOVE : how he acts like he doesn't know this or it is a new thing.



ETA~
I just read some of the other responses. We don't do name calling (okay in my mind I do ) or insults-I don't think, if so it would be very rare.

Pretty much us. I hate to describe it as bickering but I suppose that's what it is. We often see eye-to-eye at the end or at least agree to disagree but it can be a daily thing. And thank goodness he can't read my mind.

Originally Posted by Just My Opinion

I don't think arguing in front of children is healthy, personally. In some respects, I can see where healthy disagreements, modeling how to safely and effectively disagree, modeling conflict resolution, apology is very important -- but at the same time, I want to model for dd that marital conflict is not to be put on display for the general public...know what I mean?

I find too often that people think nothing of airing all their business to anyone who will listen, and that is decremental to a marriage (except in a counseling situation of course!).

Also, dd adores us both -- and I find that the few times we have had arguments in front of her (however minor) it has affected her in that she felt she had to mediate, or ... pick a side... or something. Things like, "apologize to mama, daddy" or whatever -- which really upset me -- that she was taking on the burden of our argument -- again, even when the arguement was minor!

It isn't as though I believe that children should live in a bubble where their parents are shiny happy robots all the time who do nothing but adore each other every moment -- but I think healthy conflict resolution can be learned just as easily by witnessing a situation where the parents disagree, but agree to discuss it when they have a private moment --- this also models self-control, which is lacking more in our society (imo) than the 'benefit' of witnessing conflict.

JMO.

Self-control is something I am constantly working on. Thanks for this thought.

I appreciate all the replies- thanks everyone!