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What do you think of 50/50 custody? - Page 2

post #21 of 29
50/50 working fine here, too. ex has DD Wednesday eves/overnights and Saturday noon through Monday morning. If something fun and kid-friendly is going on outside this schedule, we switch it up. If something fun/ unavoidable (such as being called in to work) comes up for one of the adults, we will very occasionally switch things up if it cannot be scheduled on a regular "off" night. The number of nights balances out to 50/50 over the long term, and DD is usually more than ready for a change of scenery by the time she goes to the other parent. She's pretty intense and high-needs though -- seems to thrive on the variety, which I know is unusual. She gets more one-on-one time with each of us now than she ever did before, and we each get time to recharge so the burnout is less. It works because we have lived either in the same town or less than half an hour apart since the divorce, and she didn't need to change schools or anything. She seems pretty happy with things.

ETA: I'm a student, and I go to class only while she's in school. Otherwise, I'm home with her - I drop her off and pick her up every day. During the summers I'm with her full time other than her recreational stuff. We do have Saturday mornings together too. so she gets plenty of me by the time the weekend rolls around! otherwise I might miss the weekends too much.
post #22 of 29
Thread Starter 
thanks everyone! We are not at 50/50, but are hoping for it one day. I know it won't work for everyone, but we think it would be a good fit for dsd. But, I was getting a little freaked out/angry (i.e. he only wants 50/50 so he doesn't have to pay child support about all the negative stories over on the thread in single parenting, so I really appreciate the positive stories I'm glad it is working out for so many of you and your kids! It is great that they get to have two homes and really feel that both parents are fully in their lives.
post #23 of 29
Didn't read the thread in single parenting but wanted to add another perspective: My best friend growing up's parents had 50/50 and she spent one week with one and one week with the next, etc. It was awful for her from the time I met her (5th grade) until we graduated from high school. (They stared when she was 5 years old.)
She never felt like she had a home- instead she was always living out of a suitcase. She never had the clothes she wanted (as in, "the tshirt that looks cute with these jeans is at my dad's house") and as we got older, textbooks always seemed to be either at the wrong house or causing annoyances by how heavy they were to lug around.
She had two very good loving parents, and I think that part of the problem was that they BOTH were so into her and enthusiastic about being her parent that she always felt torn between them. (she is an only child.) When we were teenagers she always was dealing with the parent whose week it WASN'T calling to see her and "hang out" or have a meal, and all she wanted was to hang out with her friends. Even on vacations from college, she was always stressed out about giving each parent their dose of her so that she didn't feel guilty about never seeing them. So many times I remember going to her house for a sleepover because her parents made her feel bad about spending time away from them on THEIR weekend. It just sucked in every way. The stress of being in a different place every week was always visible to me as her best friend... She ended up spending as much time as possible at MY house, where there were always a lot of people coming and going as they pleased without scrutiny.

So, I think sometimes the 50/50 is really awful for the kids because they spend so much time trying to have "quality" time with their parents that they lose out on their own childhoods.
post #24 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenemami View Post
thanks everyone! We are not at 50/50, but are hoping for it one day. I know it won't work for everyone, but we think it would be a good fit for dsd. But, I was getting a little freaked out/angry (i.e. he only wants 50/50 so he doesn't have to pay child support about all the negative stories over on the thread in single parenting, so I really appreciate the positive stories I'm glad it is working out for so many of you and your kids! It is great that they get to have two homes and really feel that both parents are fully in their lives.
50/50 does not equal no child support. My ex and I have 50/50 but I make $45,000 (at least that's what my w-2 said, had major business loss this year so our combined gross was only 29,000 after losses) and he makes $80,000. He was ordered to pay around $1,400 a month for our two kids (with me paying day care). I agreed to a deviation in support, he pays $450 a month for day care 9 months a year and $500 in child support each month. So It should have been around $16,500 a year, I agreed to around $10,000
post #25 of 29
yep - have 50/50 and get very generous child support here too.
post #26 of 29
It works for us. DS is 4 and his dad and I live about 40 minutes from each other and have very different lifestyles. There have been a few bumps here and there, but the fact that ex and I are very willing to switch times around really helps. We call each other every day so that the other parent doesn't miss DS too much. The only issue I can see is when he starts school- someone is going to have to drive very far and I anticipate that it will be me...
post #27 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by mtiger View Post
I suggested to my ex that we be the ones to switch homes on a weekly basis, and leave the kids where they'd grown up. His response was that it would be too disruptive for him to have to do that. Apparently not so much for the kids.
My dad's a family law attorney here in Indiana (where 50/50 custody is fairly unusual). He had a case a few years ago where a judge (known for thinking outside the box/being a wacko, depending on how you look at it) got so frustrated with a divorcing couple that he ordered them to do what you proposed: the adults switch residences every week and leave the kids where they were. That was really radical for our state, but my dad thought it was a marvellous idea and ought to be the norm! Unfortunately, I don't know how it worked out for them.
post #28 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeannine View Post
My dad's a family law attorney here in Indiana (where 50/50 custody is fairly unusual). He had a case a few years ago where a judge (known for thinking outside the box/being a wacko, depending on how you look at it) got so frustrated with a divorcing couple that he ordered them to do what you proposed: the adults switch residences every week and leave the kids where they were. That was really radical for our state, but my dad thought it was a marvellous idea and ought to be the norm! Unfortunately, I don't know how it worked out for them.
I could see how this could work nicely *if* the parents got along and stayed single until their children were out of the house, but it could have a lot of pitfalls, too. The parents would either have to maintain 3 residences (one for mom, one for dad, one for the kids - could get very expensive) or there would have to be a lot of trust if the parents were to share one additional residence (your ex would have complete access to all of your personal business). I'd have trouble seeing a new partners going along with this arrangement, especially if the new partner had children as well. If I got along with and trusted my ex that much (and would be prevented from remarrying), I might be more inclined to just stay together for the kids. Or both parties stay together for the kids and have someone on the side.
post #29 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post
...there would have to be a lot of trust if the parents were to share one additional residence (your ex would have complete access to all of your personal business). I'd have trouble seeing a new partners going along with this arrangement, especially if the new partner had children as well. If I got along with and trusted my ex that much (and would be prevented from remarrying), I might be more inclined to just stay together for the kids. Or both parties stay together for the kids and have someone on the side.
All of this is absolutely true, which is why I'm sure that if either party in the couple I mentioned asked for a modification from the house-sharing order, they would be almost sure to get it. There are ways in which it's simply impossible - legally - to put the best interests of the kids above the civil rights of the parents. There's nothing really ideal about divorce...it's just sometimes the lesser of two evils.
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