No and Don't

[amber913]

I've seen so many of you mention that you don't say "no" or "don't" (unless it's a dangerous situation), and i was wondering why.

Read: I'm asking from a place of love and understanding; I'm not attempting a debate. I just haven't come across this anywhere but here, and am curious.

[LilyGrace]

We don't use it often because of a few reasons. The information is more important. It's downright silly to play the button game - trying tactic after tactic until you get a green light. Why not just tell a kid what they can do in the first place and eliminate them trying to figure out all the nos before they get to that point? We're not born with social graces already developed. They require teaching. "No" doesn't provide the information needed. It's used in place of a lot of words - dangerous, stop, that hurts...but it doesn't give specific information about the issue.

We also use positive language to focus on, well, the positive. It makes a happier home if we're not always using negative statements when talking to our kids.

Last, it's easier on young ears. If you were learning a new language you'd grasp only the gist of the conversation at first. Littles tend to focus on the last thing said, the words they have more time to decode. "Don't hit!" becomes "........hit!"

[kiwiva]

:

Way more helpful to tell them what TO do.
They miss the "Don't" and just hear what follows.
"NO" really loses it's meaning when you hear it all the time. They tune it out. I read somewhere that the average toddler hears "No" like 350 times a day (or some huge number). If I heard anything that often I would stop hearing it. I have found when being with others (my parents, neices and nephew) that "No" is said over and over, like an impulse, to toddlers.

[vrclay]

I figure there are so many times society will tell my son no, I should avoid it if I can. It does make for a happier home and I don't feel like I'm sayign the same thing over and over

[mommysarah5]

Children want to hear YES. Children want to here what they CAN do. So they rsepond to things framed positively.

Also, when you do use words like STOP or CAREFUL or WAIT (wait is my favorite, I'll tell you why in a moment) then those words have more meaning. They know something serious is going on.

I like "wait" because it's telling my child to stop, but that there is a possibility we can resume. I can then find out what the entirity of the situation is, and what my child was trying to accomplish, and look for a way to proceed safely. Since my children know this word in that context, it works well for us. They are more then happy to stop, know I care about their reasons for doing things, and that a resolution that makes us all happy can be reached.

Lily put is nicely as well

[ExuberantDaffodil]

I definitely do not avoid "no" and "don't" like the plague or anything, but at the same time, i do look for opportunities to phrase things in a positive way, rather than a negative. For example, if my son says, "May I have some ice cream" I answer with, "You may have some carrots or an apple." If I just blurted out, "No, you can't have ice cream" and left it at that, there would be avoidable frustration.

When he was a little tot, I did avoid the whole "don't" thing because of the language learning. Now that is is quite proficient in his languaging skills, I feel it is acceptable to make comments like "Please don't talk to me like that" when he's getting mouthy. For me, it is just finding a good balance of guidance and positive language.

[mommysarah5]

I like the way you put it Exuberant.
For rude talking I usually say "I like when you talk to me in a kind voice." I find its almost always preferrable to say what you do want then what you don't, since I feel that is more clear. Even with adults this approach has been beneficial. If I say "don't do that" then they do something similar that I also don't want them to do, it would be easier to just clearly identify my expecations in a positive way. "Do this" versus "dont do that. or that. or that."

[olien]

I love this way of doing things.

I have a 10.5mo & I feel like I say no all the time & I hate it. I want to use this method & some UP but dont know how to do things in a loving positive way when my LO is trying to turn the knobs on the stove or climb up it or the TV stand. I try to redirect, but no always ends up in there & he ends up screaming & mad.

[mom2grrls]

At 10.5 mths prevention and redirection are what you do. Put a baby gate on the kitchen so your LO cannot be in there to touch the stove. Take him away from the TV stand and show him something that he can climb.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by olien

I love this way of doing things.

I have a 10.5mo & I feel like I say no all the time & I hate it. I want to use this method & some UP but dont know how to do things in a loving positive way when my LO is trying to turn the knobs on the stove or climb up it or the TV stand. I try to redirect, but no always ends up in there & he ends up screaming & mad.

Do you have the kind of knobs you can pull off and set up high, using only when you need them?

DD was a big climber at that age (she still is). This helped a lot: http://www.amazon.com/Step2-788600-K...6120610&sr=8-1 Its light enough that it could be moved to be closer to where I was working or cleaning.

We put the TV on the floor. DD would try to climb on top of the TV, and I just put padding over the corners and pillows on the floor and let her. But our TV was one of those old ones that wasn't really tippable.

Making a child-friendly environment that promotes exploration, motor skill development, and a feeling that the parents are on your side in meeting your needs really seems to be about figuring out how to make things safe. Sometimes you really have to think out of the box, and get pretty creative. Also, it wasn't so important to me that the house look "nice," so things were more geared for DD rather than for any guests that might visit. If you came over you would be likely to find the kitchen table upside down on the floor and all the chairs laying on their sides on any given day, for example.

Oh, and last resort redirection that almost always seemed to work: blowing bubbles in the living room.

[keilonwy]

I love all the answers so far!

I'm trying to save "no" for important situations, like running towards the street, so that it still has impact when I say it. I don't want my son to be so used to hearing "no" that he doesn't respond when I really, really need him to.

It also makes me think more about my parenting - why don't I want him to do something? If it's dangerous, like trying to pull up onto the bookshelves, I say "danger" and move him to a safer place. If it's hot, like my coffee in the morning, I say "hot." It helped me realize that if I can't think of an actual REASON he shouldn't do it, he probably can do it, and that's helped me to lighten up a lot as a parent.