Is my paranoia out of control?

[ilovemygirl]

I have never left my 2 year old dd with anyone that is not family ever. It is a select few family members at that and they only watch her in my home. Even my DH has only taken her out on his own a few times! I'm starting to get a lot of comments about how I'm sheltering her too much and that she won't be able to relate to other kids well as she gets older, etc. She has lots of friends her age that we have met by going to play groups and mommy & me classes and the park. It's not like I hide her from the world, it's just that she's always with me when we go out.
I mostly think I'm doing the right thing. I should have a right as her mom to be concerned about her safety, what she's exposed to and what happens to her and I can't do that if I'm not with her. I love being with her and I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be with my child and have a close relationship with her.
Now that it's pretty much decided that she won't go to preschool everyone has something to say and although I try not to let other people's bad attitudes get to me I'm starting to get the feeling that maybe I am being too overprotective.
I know there are a lot of different moms that don't just follow the mainstream so I'm hoping for some opinions.

[choli]

Originally Posted by ilovemygirl

I have never left my 2 year old dd with anyone that is not family ever. It is a select few family members at that and they only watch her in my home. Even my DH has only taken her out on his own a few times!

Why has your DH only taken her out on his own a few times? It is because you don't trust him or because he doesn't want to?

[Fuamami]

I don't think so, but I do the same thing! Well, I have left my current 2 year old more than the 1st, but part of that is because I leave him with the 6 year old and the 4 year old, so I know they will report anything/help look out for him.

[syn_ack89]

If you'd said your 8-yr-old, I'd think your paranoia was a little abnormal. However, I have a 2-yr-old who is practically sewn to my hip so I see that as normal...

I know they eventually need to pull away, but I am envisioning that at about 4-yrs (starting the process)...

As long as you and your LO are happy (and your DH!), I'd say don't worry about what others say!

[SandraS]

I don't think she'll have problems relating to other kids later - that really doesn't go hand in hand with socialization. That's personality.

That being said, I do think you're doing her a disservice by not allowing her to experience, well, life. Her life isn't all about you, although I know you'd like it to be that way. And you know what? Your life isn't all about her, either. Really. There are other family members and friends who can care for her just fine. She really will be okay. And you need to go see a movie or eat lunch with just you. It's liberating. I know that sounds sort of harsh, but it's true.

Worrying about her safety can harm both of you. Paranoia can cause depression not only in moms but in children as well, if they're in constant fear of being hurt. It's a very safe world - there's not a predator waiting behind every bush, I assure you. By letting her "out", you're teaching her responsiblity, maturity, the ability to make decisions, and an uncountable amount of lessons. Things she won't learn from you.

Now, I will say that I'm a VERY laid-back mom raising what's called "free range" kids - meaning my leash is so long it disappears over the horizon. Maybe you could find a happy medium between your paranoia and my complete lack of paranoia?

[IntrovertExtrovert]

I'm of two minds about it. On the one hand, I think that if what you're doing works for you and your whole family, then great! I am also curious about your statement that your husband has only taken her out a few times. Is it because you're nervous, or because it just hasn't come up? If you're nervous about it, what specifically worries you? Thinking about what specifically worries you can help you identify whether you think your worries are really valid.

On the other hand, I know that I'm really glad my son and I started a co-op preschool last fall, when he was 2 1/2. At the time I was a SAHM. His normal separation anxiety was getting stronger, not weaker as he got older. I went at his pace re: separating from him at this preschool, and now his separation anxiety is so much better. I really think it's been a great experience for us both to practice separating in a gentle, kid-led manner. To the point that after he had been at this school for a while, I felt comfortable starting to WOH again, and he's done very well.

[ilovemygirl]

It's not that she is overly attached to me. When I do leave her with dh or a relative, I explain where I'm going, she says goodbye and that's that. We do something with children her age at least 3 times a week. She comes with me on errands, to visit family, etc. She is not shy and will say hello to random strangers in the supermarket, etc. I let her explore and touch things and play so again I don't feel like I'm keeping her in a bubble but I do admit that I control to the best of my ability everything/everyone she is exposed to.
I know these kinds of things start heated debates so I was hesitant to elaborate before but here goes ...

She is not speaking well yet and it concerns me that she would have no way of letting me know if something bad happened to her while I wasn't there.

She has been on a very strict vegetarian diet since the day she was conceived, and yes it would be a big huge deal to me if someone gave her meat.

I am worried that play with children I do not know while I'm not there to supervise (as would happen if I put her in preschool or had family/friends take her out) could teach her/expose her to a lot of things I just don't want her to know about yet. I know some people think it's mean/wrong but I immediately remove dd from playing with children who are rough, hit or bite, use fowl language, play violent games, etc.

[eloise24]

My only concern would be that DH doesn't take her out (or I'm assuming get to watch her much at home?). What *if* something happened to you and he had to do it more regularly (you got sick, etc.)? It's good for your DD to be attached to her daddy and comfortable doing things alone with JUST HIM and it's good for your DH to feel empowered that he is capable of taking her out alone . . . and honestly, you might not like this, but I think it is often good for the Mom to have a few quiet minutes at home. Sometimes a little space is really good for reflection and helps us appreciate even more what we have. That's the least of the issues, but I think it's really important that your DH be able to watch her alone.

[Ruthla]

Your child is only 2! That's still very much a baby in so many ways!

There is absolutely no *need* for preschool, and no *need* for parent-free time at that age. My 14yo needs time away from me- even my 7yo likes to go off with friends without me for a few hours at a time. But at age 2, all of my kids were VERY attached to me.

What I'm *hearing* is the start of anti-homeschooling rhetoric. Some people have "kids go to school" so ingrained in their heads, that they honestly don't understand that it's not the only way to raise children. I don't know what your plans are for her once she's old enough for kindergarten, but you're effectively "homeschooling for preschool" since everybody around you seems to expect her to be in school next year. A lot of what you're hearing is stuff that I went through when I pulled DD2 out of school in the middle of 5th grade.

If your child is asking for more freedom and you're denying her, then you're being overprotective. If she's not ready to separate yet, then you're listening to her needs!

[VisionaryMom]

My only concern would be letting her handle things on her own. We know a couple of children who've spent almost all of their time with Mom, and they are unable to navigate (age-appropriate) problems on their own. When there's any conflict, they look for an adult. We have one such little one come to our house, where I'm more of a "figure it out on your own" parent (unless, of course, it gets out of control). When I first said that, this kid just stared blankly at me, so I've had to work with him when he's over on trying to find solutions w/o Mom intervening.

[Just My Opinion]

OP, don't worry a bit. My dd is 4 and she has only been cared for by two other people beside myself and my husband (her daddy). Those have even been few and far between.

She gets exposed to many different people, places, friends, situations, and I feel no need (or even desire) to spend many hours away from her on a regular basis (at this point) - nor she from me.

That having been said though, I do trust dh 100% and he has taken her out on many occasions, and has stayed with her alone on countless occasions, beginning from when she was very little -- that is the only part of your post that confused me.

As far as Brandi's comment, I can see her point but at the same time, I do expect my daughter to come to me when there is a conflict. A lot of it is personality as well. My daughter favors my husband in that she is a very mellow, easygoing, go-with-the-flow kid which is GREAT -- however, is the type of personality that lends itself to being taken advantage of, so I am modeling for her how to advocate for herself and to speak up for herself.

Getting back on topic, I don't think there is anything wrong with what you are doing so far OP -- seeing as dd is having lots of opportunities to expand her world (as in, you are not locking her in an attic somewhere! lol).

[mama_mojo]

I can't quite tell, and that's one of the joys of the internet, but here's my take based on my understanding of your posts.

2 is really little to do much navigating on her own. Personally, I've known too many children to believe sheltering one from certain kids or certain types of play guarantees said child will not display these behaviors. HOWEVER, what's wrong with protecting a 2yo from these things? She'll learn it soon enough.

My children are 9, 7, and 4, and only last summer did the older two do a little gymnastics day camp thing for two weeks. I would not have put the younger one in without the older because I want my children to be able to talk to me about what happened before I send them somewhere without me. I got SO much flack about being over protective, but really, as soon as they are old enough, they are old enough. I did not fret and worry about what was really happening and they had a great time. Only this past year did the oldest do a weekly day long program, and again, it went fine, even when there WERE problems, because he was completely old enough to handle himself and ask for my help as necessary. I don't think his ability to cope was crippled by lack of experience.

[alexsam]

At 2, I think this is fine. But as time goes on... this can become difficult. Eventually, the idea of monitoring EVERY influence will fall apart, as she will want to go to a friends house, school, soccer camp, etc. In other words, you won't be able to maintain this level of control forever. And, the worries never end, just change. It is a really important to have a mix- limiting influences while also being prepared that certain things will "come through" and that this is also your job. It is not only to protect, but to guide, set examples for, and see through life's challenges. So while it is not particularly detrimental for a 2 yr old, you will need to think about why you are so hesitant and how to come to a place where you can begin to trust.

So, while I'm not all "Put that kid in daycare!", I'm saying the logic of never parting fromt he child and monitoring every infleunce doesn't hold up, and while the child gets older, it doesn't mean that dangers go away. Parents have to find a way to come to terms with what is really best for the child and best for them.

[1littlebit]

i don't even understand the problem. the only people who have watched DS are family and DP has taken him out a few times and watched him a few times but the man works all day and when he is not working we spend a lot of time together so its not like i don't trust him its just that when he is off we are together a lot of the time.

she is only 2 for goodness sake. what exactly do people think you should be doing with her? like realistically... what should you be doing that isn't being done?

and i had a neighbor growing up who was overly attached to her mom.. even at 8 she wouldn't even come across the cul de sac to ask us to come out and play..we had lived there all her and our lives .. we played together nearly everyday .. and yet her mom had to come with her every single time. now that i think is unhealthy. but i don't know how she got to that point. my parents were very AP BFing cosleeping babywearing GD and i was never ever like that..my brother was a little bit but that was due to anxiety not improper socialization or w/e.

[FondestBianca]

I think you're right on track. Forget the questioning or disapproval of others. Your kiddo is being provided a well balanced life without be sent off every which way with whomever.

No worries.

[mamazee]

At 2 my dd had hardly been away from me either. She'd been with dh alone at least a bit, though. I guess I'd wonder why she hasn't been alone with dh much, and depending on the reason I might think that was a problem. Otherwise, it doesn't seem like a problem at all to me.

[LuxPerpetua]

I've never left my 3.5 year old with anyone who wasn't family ever, and I don't plan to anytime soon.

I wouldn't worry, especially with how young your LO is. I think if you listen to your inuition you'll get signs and cues when the time is right to let go a little. My thoughts are to err on the side of close parental contact until the child is emotionally mature enough and empowered enough to handle most conflicts that will arise. For each child that age is different. And, in general, I think childhood is a great time to take things slowly.

[Amylcd]

My daughters are 7, 5, and 2 and have never stayed with anyone other than my own mother and grandmother. DH hasn't taken the two year old anywhere by himself either.

[amandaleigh37]

That being said, I do think you're doing her a disservice by not allowing her to experience, well, life. Her life isn't all about you, although I know you'd like it to be that way.

That's pretty harsh. I don't know how the OP's child isn't experiencing "life". It sounds like they do plenty together, and she *is* watched/left with certain family members. The child is only 2. I'm not sure how much "life" a 2-year-old needs to "experience" away from her mother.

OP, I can relate. My DS is 2 1/2 and isn't left with anyone else either. The main reason is because the only family we have nearby are my in-laws, who we don't trust to leave him with. We don't have any close friends nearby either. I don't feel comfortable hiring babysitters, and thankfully we don't have a great need to leave him with anyone. So it's not a problem. He DOES spend a lot of time with DH - they go places together when I need time alone, which is great. And we go places where he interacts with plenty of other kids/adults too. He's a very social kid and I don't think he needs to be "left" alone with particular people to experience that.

I don't see anything wrong with your situation in itself. But if things are this way because you have a lot of anxiety and it is causing you stress, or you're not able to get any time alone when you need it, that might be something worth looking into. Good luck

[mommy2two babes]

I spent an hour yesterday at a last day of school party with my 4 yo DD.
I was the only parent there besides the ones who were putting it on.


- At 2 she is still very little, even at almost 3 and almost 5 I don't leave my kids in the care of all but a few select family members.
DD is in school and if they go on a field trip one of us is always there.

I think that it's important that you follow your DDs lead a bit too.
At 3 DD really wanted to go to school and she went to a nursery school a few days a week for 2 hrs. She absolutly loved it.
It took me lots of interviews to find one that I was comfortable with, but it was worth it to let go a bit for her.

I guess what I am saying is that at this age I agree with you, just that eventually you need to be prepered to let her branch out a little bit at her own pace.