Is my paranoia out of control? - Page 2

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by ilovemygirl

I am worried that play with children I do not know while I'm not there to supervise (as would happen if I put her in preschool or had family/friends take her out) could teach her/expose her to a lot of things I just don't want her to know about yet. I know some people think it's mean/wrong but I immediately remove dd from playing with children who are rough, hit or bite, use fowl language, play violent games, etc.

At 2, I don't think you're being overprotective, except with the case of your dh. Your dh should be an equal partner with you in caring for your child. If you're not leaving your daughter with him because you aren't comfortable with what he'd do, that's really worrisome to me.

But in 2-3 years, I think you will be. If this is still your view in 5-7 years, you definitely will be.

I'm concerned by the statement above. Are you really convinced that the values that you are instilling in your daughter are so fragile that they can't withstand exposure to different values?

Your daughter is going to have to learn skills for negotiating a world where people don't believe/do everything she does. Part of the way that you give her those skills is to let her be with different kinds of people. As she gets older and understands why your family is vegetarian, then she can explain that she doesn't eat meat.

My kids are very gentle and are not drawn to violent games. But, I having seen a lot of kids, sometimes violent themes are things that kids need to work out. There OK ways to do this and not so OK ways to do this. You might want to read Playful Parenting, as there's a good section on this kind of play there. At 2, your child isn't old enough for a lot of dramatic themes, but as your child gets older, you might be surprised what comes out. My kids spend a lot of time playing 'natural disasters' and other things that worry them.

A LOT of toddlers go through a hitting stage, and if you keep her from ever playing with anyone who hits, it's going to unfairly restrict her social circle. It has very little to do with parenting and a lot to do with children's personalities. I have one child who rarely hit and one who hit a medium amount. There's also a resurgence of hitting in a lot of kids around 4-5 that we're just getting through with dd.

I guess my bottom line is: If you're keeping your child from doing things out of FEAR, that's bad. If you're doing so because your convinced of your values, that's OK. There are lots of kids who never go to preschool and who are homeschooled who turn out just fine. There are plenty of kids who go to preschool and public school who turn out just fine. The common denominator here is not school, but the parenting that's behind it.

[bea694]

Sounds perfectly appropriate to me, (except for the part about her father caring for her, but as others have said, there may be another explanation for that). I mean, what better way is there for a two year-old (TWO!) to experience "life" than being with her mother?

Sounds like you're doing a great job, mama!

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by Just My Opinion

As far as Brandi's comment, I can see her point but at the same time, I do expect my daughter to come to me when there is a conflict.

Really? My 2YO can negotiate conflict without an adult involved for minor issues. She suggests turn-taking, for example, or can suggest an alternate activity or idea if there's someone's upset.

And it's not so much conflict as just general problem-solving skills. I think if you're there for everything to give them the solution before they have time to think of it on their own then it can become a problem. We've always been more inclined to let DC try on their own unless they ask for help (standard disclaimer about dangerous situations applies). I remember going to the ped w/ DS for his 12 month visit. There were a bunch of empty boxes gathered around the baby scale. He moved one and then started to climb up, and the nurse said she was "shocked" that he knew to move one over. I was shocked that more kids wouldn't do the obvious thing and move the box. That's the sort of thing I mean in terms of letting children work out problems on their own.

Now I don't think that's impossible to learn without a parent there, but it's just something I'd consider when deciding whether or not I was "overprotective" because I think that's a big factor in being overprotective. I've known a number of parents who don't want their children to face any frustration and so stay with them all the time to swoop in when there's a hint of a problem.

[chi_mama]

Originally Posted by ilovemygirl

She is not speaking well yet and it concerns me that she would have no way of letting me know if something bad happened to her while I wasn't there.

ds is nearly 3 now, but I've really only been comfortable leaving him w/ anyone besides dh for about 2 months for this reason.
It's not that I think my family would do anything to harm him, it's that he cannot communicate to them distress or concern in anyway but crying... and he would not be able to express himself adequately to me after I came home.

now that he is more verbal I am much more comfortable leaving him w/ my mom or SIL or w/ another mom at a playdate.

I don't think that at 2 your overprotective... as long as your aren't communicating messages to her that the world is unsafe.

[barefootmama0709]

My DH has only been the sole caregiver for my ODS a few times as well-he rarely takes him places, mainly because he doesn't have many days off and we prefer to spend them as a family. He has taken care of YDS by himself one time and only for about an hour. I have also only ever left ODS with family and really that's all I'm comfortable with for the most part (I can think of one couple that I would allow to babysit him). I don't think it's odd and I think you should go with your instincts. My ODS is very intimidated by kids his own age or close to it and I'm not overly concerned with socializing him just yet. It's a fairly new idea that small children can't develop properly without frequent exposure to other small children.

[Just My Opinion]

I agree brandi -- but the fact is, when I know there is a conflict, it is usually time for a parental intervention anyway ... you know, someone is screaming or something.

I don't sit in the room with my kid and monitor every going on when they are at a playdate -- but I am not willing to send her off without me for hours at a time either, with people who could potentially handle things completely oppositely of how our family would

[liliaceae]

I must be really overprotective, because the only person I'd leave my son alone with is my mom (and my husband of course), and he's almost 3. The only thing I might be concerned about in your situation is the fact that your DH is rarely alone with her. If that's because you don't trust him, I think that's something you need to really work on.

[webjefita]

you are not paranoid, you are very attached, keep it up! you might want to read Hold On To your Kids; Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers. It's like attachment parenting for kids (beyond baby stage).

[*Erin*]

you're doing a great job, mama don't worry about a thing. my dd was attached to my hip for her first few years, and we did everything together, and she is the most outgoing, sociable, independant and well adjusted little 6 yr old girl you could meet. she can make friends with anyone of any age. she has been socialized by me, by her father, and by all the other people in our world, not just her peer group.

just smile and nod at your naysayers. even when you feel less than confident-fake it til you feel it-the proof is in your happy little girl that what you do is working. that will only become more and more obvious as she gets older.

[St. Margaret]

Yeah, my DD is 2yo and she's only every been with me, DH, and both sets of grandparents. Now, we go out every day, and at the park or people's homes, I let her roam free. I'll keep an eye on her so I can be there if she needs me, but she spends plenty of time in her own little imaginary zone or sitting and playing side by side with other kids, negotiating sharing toys, etc. I figure it's a gradual process. It DOES sort of kill me to think about returning to work for a year and therefore not knowing what her days were like, after being together so much. But again, she's going to be with her dad and grandparents is all. And at home, we have time where we play hard together, and time where she's playing on her own. I think 2yo is totally reasonable for this sort of togetherness.

I'm reading Hold On to Your Kids, and maybe it would be useful to you, in terms of deflecting these types of critical comments.

[loraxc]

ITA with Alexsam.

Also, I think not letting her be with DH alone is a mistake. He is not a stranger. He is her parent, too. I've seen this kind of attitude harm marriages and children both.