how often do you say NO

[merryns.mom]

i have an 11mo dd and we were at her great grandmother's today-lo is sick

my lo was fussy and granny was telling her to hush up in a very stern voice: then lo tried to push away from granny and get down, and granny told her NO-which did not help the situation because lo got really upset then

granny asked me what she does when i tell her no, i said that i try to do things with her and put her places where i won't have to constantly tell her no, or show what she can do instead of can't

how often do you say NO, and what do you do instead. i don't think it's cute when a child's first word is NO

isn't there another way?

[BellinghamCrunchie]

She wasn't allowed to express her feelings and wasn't allowed to remove herself from physical contact with another person that was unwelcome? There are bigger lessons here than whether or not she should be told, "no." Granny was very disrespectful and way out of line.

Many of us parents on this board don't use "no" especially in the early years. As you mentioned, telling her what she CAN do instead or redirection are the best ways of dealing with undesireable behavior.

But your DD didn't sound like she was doing anything that needed redirection or correction.

You sound like you have great parenting instincts

[syd'smom]

yep - what she said!!

[olien]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

Many of us parents on this board don't use "no" especially in the early years. As you mentioned, telling her what she CAN do instead or redirection are the best ways of dealing with undesireable behavior.

Ok please explain this further. I have a 10.5mo - close to the OP & I feel like I say no all the time & I hate it. I may have to start another post about this - dont want to hijack.

[kiwiva]

At that age I didn't use "No" at all really. If it was something she couldn't have we'd say "not for babies" at times, but mostly it was just redirection, redirection, redirection.

[SunshineSwirl]

I said no, the long way, with lots of words added in...for example, " Oh honey, let's not do that because, blah, blah, blah." Not in the situation that you posted, because I would be against grandma for trying to force baby to sit there (as I have vocally stated, and got bad reaction from Great Grandma and Grandma alike), but in other normal situtations, I do want the child to know that what they are doing is not acceptable, and then redirect them. Even if they don't understand now, it gets me into explaining, not using just the word no, and eventually they will comprehend.

[octobermom]

I said no in what ever form appropiate (no, not for baby uh oh opps.. ect as often as it was necessary I also set up her everyday enviroment so those nos were naturally limited. I have zero issues with the word no personally. I do have issues with adults setting up an adult only world everywhere and expecting a child to conform to that in ways there minds and bodies are not ready for.

Deanna

[Lynn08]

I find myself saying no a lot more when I'm tired/frustrated/etc. When I notice it, I make a very conscious effort to stop and re-direct instead.

Dh uses it all.the.time. with dd because "she has to learn it eventually." : We have discussed it numerous times, and he just doesn't understand why I feel the way I do. I guess it's just a difference in parenting styles.

But I agree with pp regarding the boundary issues and disrespect. Much more here than simply saying "no".

[elmh23]

I say no a lot now. My son needs the direct command.

But when he was 11 months, I just did what you did.

And that was so uncool of granny to hush your sick baby! That would have sent me through the rough. Hope your little one is feeling better soon.

[AstridS]

Originally Posted by olien

Ok please explain this further. I have a 10.5mo - close to the OP & I feel like I say no all the time & I hate it. I may have to start another post about this - dont want to hijack.

We just use positive language instead.
"NO! don't jump on the couch" becomes "The couch is for sitting, not jumping. Lets jump on XXX (trampoline, bed, floor, whatever)"
It's a lot easier for babies and toddlers to understand, when you tell them what they can do, not what they can't do. No is so confusing. It just tells them to stop, but it doesn't give any information on what's appropriate to do instead.

[LynnS6]

When my kids were little, I tried to reserve "no!" for emergency situations so that the emotional force of the word would stop them.

For other things, I tried really hard to tell them what TO do, just like a pp. It really does work better to say "feet on the floor" rather than "don't climb up there".

As my kids have gotten older, it's become harder to remember to do that. At the same time, there are times when my kids just need to hear "no." Usually it's in response to a request they've made, though. "Can I go to K's house?" "No, we're going to eat dinner in 5 minutes." Yes, I could rephrase it as "yes, you can go after dinner." But that seems to engender more debate with my kids than a simple no.

But, I also agree that Granny was way out of line, especially for an 11 month old. I'd limit the time that Granny got to hold my baby, and maybe meet in neutral spaces where she didn't feel like she had as much control.

[oceanbaby]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

When my kids were little, I tried to reserve "no!" for emergency situations so that the emotional force of the word would stop them.

For other things, I tried really hard to tell them what TO do, just like a pp. It really does work better to say "feet on the floor" rather than "don't climb up there".

As my kids have gotten older, it's become harder to remember to do that. At the same time, there are times when my kids just need to hear "no." Usually it's in response to a request they've made, though. "Can I go to K's house?" "No, we're going to eat dinner in 5 minutes." Yes, I could rephrase it as "yes, you can go after dinner." But that seems to engender more debate with my kids than a simple no.

But, I also agree that Granny was way out of line, especially for an 11 month old. I'd limit the time that Granny got to hold my baby, and maybe meet in neutral spaces where she didn't feel like she had as much control.

Ditto to this. As babies/young toddlers we tried really hard not to use "no." I mean, it came out often just out of habit, but overall our corrective language was more along the lines of "that hurts, please don't hit me" or "that glass will break if you drop it, you can drop this instead" - that kind of stuff.

But like the quote above, as they have gotten older we have used no more often mainly because it's more direct, they often know the reason behind it, and they just roll their eyes as long winded explanations. I still try to say things more like "not right now" or "that hurts, please stop," but there are more situations when a direct "no" in answer to a question is appropriate.

In the situation in the OP, when she started fussing I probably would have said something like "Oh, are you ready to get down?" Or "Oh, are you getting hungry/tired?" Then just kind of just picked her up out of grandma's arms. I've had to do this with relatives before when my kids were babies.

[ann_of_loxley]

Because I did not want a toddler running around shouting 'NO!' at me - I refused to use the word! lol...

So we used 'stop' instead. It made more sense to me as well. 'Stop' is pretty self-explanatory - it then gives pause and a chance to express and move on. 'No' is too open ended...no what? Also, things are not consistant - only love is...so 'no' today might be a 'yes' tomorrow but if I am saying flat out no! now - then what about tomorrow?...Its too...vague?...

We do like you. Instead of telling my DS what he can't do - I give him ideas of what he can do instead. Though we used 'stop' instead of 'no' - it was used in very few cases where it was very important for him to stop/look/listen/etc. I feel it also meant that when it was very serious, he got that - he trusted me and listened and followed through...even at a very young age. He is now nearing 4 and I find I don't even have to do this - if I feel something is not a good idea, I simply say why and leave it up to him. If there is any word he ever uses a lot in his vocabular - its 'beacause'...at least he always has a reason for why he does/doesn't do stuff and tells me about it! hehe

So we have succesfully escaped the horrible 'no no NO!' shouting phase and - no idea if this has anything to do with it but I for some reason feel there is some connection - we have also escaped the 'why?' to everything phase (perhaps this is because I have hardly ever just told my son flat out just what to do - giving room for him to question?...we usually discuss and come up with as solution instead, no need for 'why?' - I feel our trust/bond/connection is most important!)

[frontierpsych]

I really don't use no very much. DS is 10 months, and doesn't really do much of anything that would warrant a "no". If he bites/scratches "Ow, that hurts! Gentle!" (demonstrate gentle touch), if he steals my glasses "Hey! I need those to see! Where'd you go? Brodie? Broooodie?" (take them back) "Oh, THERE you are!", if he is into something he shouldn't have "Can mommy have that? You can play with this instead." I didn't think that redirecting would come very naturally to me, but I think it helps that I know my son isn't being malicious in his actions, he's just doing what babies do, kwim?