DH's parenting vs my parenting style?

[es1967]

I'm not sure what the title of this thread should have been but here it goes. DS is just a little over 2.5 yrs old. My Dh is a wonderful father and there is not much I can say bad about him. The problem is that our parenting styles are kinda opposite. For example this morning he took DS to the grocery store to p/u some things for breakfast. He comes back a while later and DS has a slash above his eye. DH opened the car door and it hit DS above the eye. The cut was deep and DH took him to the ER but luckily he did not need stitches. To me it just makes sense to move DS away b/f opening the door. Several months ago we had a big disagreement re my inlaws pool. I went over for easter w DS and DH and watched my DS run around the pool unsupervised. I told my son to not run by the pool and my MIL said "oh don't worry he does this all the time and he is fine". What kind of a person would think this? This really bothered me and my DH said I was being paranoid. He said that he is prepared to jump in the pool and get DS if needed. That falling in the water was not going to hurt him. I presented my DH w research showing that it is not safe for a 2.5 yr old to run around a pool w/o a parent beside and he finally agreed after much disagreement. When my son was just starting to walk DH would not be careful and thus we ended up in the emergency room w a head injury twice. When I tell DH things to watch out for he gets angry like I do not trust him. I am a SAHM mom and see what my son does all day so I feel I can help prevent some mishaps by warning him. A few weeks ago he rear ended someone w a toddler in the back seat. My DH felt so bad and I don't blame him but he is a little scattered. He has a ton of things on his mind and is overworked. Anyways, I try to give my DH alone time w DS but I always worry.
I know DH loves DS and would never ever want to hurt him so how can I get him to be more careful without hurting his feeling. Is this a dumb question? I know I cannot change him so do I just have to worry all the time? Am I being too overprotective? I know he gets aggravated all the time when I ask him to be careful but I feel like I need to. Sometimes he acts like my son is 5 yrs old not 2.5 yrs old.

[chi_mama]

There is a really good book by Tine Thevenin called Mothering and Fathering that talks a lot about how men and women tend to parent differently. One of the things discussed is how women tend to protect and men tend to encourage more adventurous behavior.
I really liked it and found it helped me and dh parent diffently from one another.

[es1967]

Thanks for the info about the book. I'll try to get it.

[ElliesMomma]

that's a lot of trips to the emergency room. good thing 1) you have insurance to cover it (or he'd start being more careful b/c each one of those is probably worth a thousand dollars), and 2) more importantly, aren't you glad the gash was *above* his eye instead of *in* his eye ?

i'd be worried too if this were my situation. it's not just dads being less "protective." i'm also a SAHM and my DH does take more risks than i do. my daughter is just over three. we have another child --this time a boy-- on the way soon. i don't deliberately prevent DH from "alone" time with our child, but i do limit the circumstances and my DH doesn't overreact to my "protectiveness."

so, yeah, you can learn about the different parenting styles and "suck it up" that your child has already had at least three ER visits; i sure wouldn't want a child to fall into a pool, possibly injured from running on a wet pool deck, and uptake a bunch of water into his lungs, just because dad is "prepared" to jump in after him. (that is, if he happens to be watching him the exact second he goes in). i don't know... i'd say you have a couple more years of worrying ahead of you if your husband doesn't start to see the light re: being mroe careful.

there's a time for taking risks and there are times not to. i suppose it takes some wisdom and/or life experience to know the risk-taking times from the other.

good luck with this!

[Fuamami]

IDK, I slammed my dd's finger in the car door when she was 3. Yes, makes sense to move her away from the door. But also, accidents happen! I would cut him some slack, if I were you. Probably the stitches will help encourage him to be more cautious!

[Snuzzmom]

This is very similar to me and my DH. I err on the side of caution, he errs on the side of exploration. DH would NEVER intentionally allow DS to be hurt, but he does let him do things that I would not, pushes him really high in the swing, etc.

However, knock wood, DS has not yet been hurt in any serious way in DH's care. The one time we had to take DS to the ER it was on my watch.

I've had to do a lot of stepping back, looking at the joy that my DS gets from the freedom DH allows, and assess whether I really think he's doing something DANGEROUS or if it is just different from what I would do. 9 out of 10 times, it's the latter and I bite my tongue. The 1 in 10 that I really feel it's the former, I speak up.

If you're seriously concerned about your DS's safety, have a good talk with your DH about it.

[Alyantavid]

Originally Posted by Fuamami

IDK, I slammed my dd's finger in the car door when she was 3. Yes, makes sense to move her away from the door. But also, accidents happen! I would cut him some slack, if I were you. Probably the stitches will help encourage him to be more cautious!

That. I hit my oldest son with the car door because I'd sent him into the car and thought he was there when he actually just appeared! Accidents happen and you can't protect your child from all of them. My dh lets our kids do many more things than I'm comfortable letting them do.

Having said that, the pool thing would completely freak me out. And hopefully your dh will watch a little more closely from now on. I certainly wouldn't try to control their time together though. I know I'd be more than a little annoyed if my dh did that to me.

[KristaDJ]

Add my DH to the list of not careful dad's. He really drives me nuts because nothing concerns him or makes him move fast. He waits until the kid is hurt rather than trying to redirect them away from danger and he has caused them to get hurt many times. I just don't leave him alone with them for too long and I get onto him every. single. time. I see him not reacting to something dangerous. I'm not an overprotective mom but I have raised more than just my children and I can see when an accident is coming that really should be prevented. I know it's not a popular opinion here but I'd limit his alone time with him if you don't feel your child is safe; why on earth would you want to wait to find out what it will take to make him be safer?
A word of encouragement, though, your DH will probably improve on this. My husband is way better than he was with our first baby. Some people just aren't used to kids and what kind of things they do.

[mamazee]

I'd call the door thing a plain ole' mistake that anyone could make and just let that go. Some day, you will cause some unintended injury to your child. It happens, and it won't be because you're a bad parent, either. I'm sure the reality of that accident was scary enough for him.

The running around the pool thing would bother me too, though. I'd tell him that the reason the Y and such places have a rule about that is because people (including adults) get killed that way. I have had a conversation with my dh specifically about running by the pool once. What could happen, he asked. She could fall in and bump her head on the side of the pool on the way down, breathe in water, and drown. Or, if we're lucking and she didn't drown, require a very expensive trip by ambulance to the hospital.

Pick your battles. Don't beat your dh up over something like an unintended injury that has already happened and can't be made better, and is just an accident he probably already feels terrible about, but really stand your ground over stuff like running by the pool.

[amandaleigh37]

I think a lot of men are just different in some ways, and this is one of them. I totally understand where you're coming from though, and also can understand why your DH would be defensive. Maybe you could try making it more about *you* so he doesn't feel like you are blaming him... like "Oh honey I know I am probably too cautious but please, just to make me feel better can you do this..." (like the pool thing - which I totally agree with you BTW). That said, there are probably some things you will have to bend on... but hopefully your DH will respect your feelings enough about important things like the pool. Good luck

[PretzelMama]

Originally Posted by KristaDJ

Add my DH to the list of not careful dad's. He really drives me nuts because nothing concerns him or makes him move fast. He waits until the kid is hurt rather than trying to redirect them away from danger and he has caused them to get hurt many times. I just don't leave him alone with them for too long and I get onto him every. single. time. I see him not reacting to something dangerous. I'm not an overprotective mom but I have raised more than just my children and I can see when an accident is coming that really should be prevented. I know it's not a popular opinion here but I'd limit his alone time with him if you don't feel your child is safe; why on earth would you want to wait to find out what it will take to make him be safer?
A word of encouragement, though, your DH will probably improve on this. My husband is way better than he was with our first baby. Some people just aren't used to kids and what kind of things they do.

I have to echo all of this.

My DH is the same way. He's a good dad, but when it comes to safety stuff, it's like there's a chunk of his brain missing.

My tactic has been to choose my battles - I try not to sweat the little stuff, but if I see him doing something seriously dangerous, I will step in every time. I also try keep talking to him and explaining to him why he needs to be more careful. He gets defensive, but once he's cooled off, he thinks it over a bit and hopefully some of it sinks in.

I'm very sad to say it, but there are certain things I no longer trust him with at all. For example, if he buckles DD into her carseat, I have to check it because he's repeatedly demonstrated that he's too careless to do it properly.

I generally believe in letting people make mistakes and learn from them, but when it comes to our children's safety, the stakes are too high. Talk to your husband, tell him you know he's a good daddy and that he would never forgive himself if something serious happened to your child. If you know there's something you can't trust him with (eg pool safety) then avoid situations where he needs to be in charge.

[es1967]

Well today my DH asked us to go to dinner at my inlaws. Since my DS was born my MIL (dh's step mother) has been really rude and mean to me. She does not respect my decisions re my son and just ignores what I want. How would this make you feel? A few months when I requested that my son not run by the pool she laughed at us and said we were crazy. My Dh assured me that he now walks beside DS while he is around the pool. Tonight my MIL said to my DH " why are you doing that he always runs by the pool?" knowing that I was right there hearing the entire thing. I confronted DH and asked him if it was true and he said she is lying. I know my MIL is evil but now I am questioning if my DH is telling the truth. He acts like a lost puppy dog around her. Plus at dinner she went on about how my DS is going to have severe problems b/c he is not circumsized (sp?) when he is older. And then she bluntly said that it was me who made that decision. I was in the other room. As we were leaving she handed DS a handful of jelly beans w/o even asking if it is ok. It was 8:30 at night and I really do not want my son eating candy at that time. I took it away in the car and gave him one but threw the rest away. How would you handle this? What really makes me wonder is that earlier in the day DH and I had a disagreement and he said that he did not agree w my son not being able to run by the pool. Even after reading all the links I gave him re the dangers of it.

[Oriole]

* I get the pool concern 100%.

* I don't think the car slam is worth mentioning, since yes, accidents happen to the best parents ever. It would break my heart if DP ever held an accident like that against me.

[es1967]

I do understand accidents happen and DS could have fallen elsewhere on my watch. I'm not blaming him for the car door incident. I'm just really surprised that he still does not agree that my son should not be allowed to run by the edge of the pool without an adult next to him. What can I do to make him understand the dangers? My MIL is part of the problem b/c she just disagrees with whatever my wishes are.

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by es1967

Well today my DH asked us to go to dinner at my inlaws. Since my DS was born my MIL (dh's step mother) has been really rude and mean to me. She does not respect my decisions re my son and just ignores what I want. How would this make you feel? A few months when I requested that my son not run by the pool she laughed at us and said we were crazy. My Dh assured me that he now walks beside DS while he is around the pool. Tonight my MIL said to my DH " why are you doing that he always runs by the pool?" knowing that I was right there hearing the entire thing. I confronted DH and asked him if it was true and he said she is lying. I know my MIL is evil but now I am questioning if my DH is telling the truth. He acts like a lost puppy dog around her. Plus at dinner she went on about how my DS is going to have severe problems b/c he is not circumsized (sp?) when he is older. And then she bluntly said that it was me who made that decision. I was in the other room. As we were leaving she handed DS a handful of jelly beans w/o even asking if it is ok. It was 8:30 at night and I really do not want my son eating candy at that time. I took it away in the car and gave him one but threw the rest away. How would you handle this? What really makes me wonder is that earlier in the day DH and I had a disagreement and he said that he did not agree w my son not being able to run by the pool. Even after reading all the links I gave him re the dangers of it.

You need to set boundaries, and your dh needs to get on board.

1. No one needs to be discussing your ds' penis. Not their business, and it could make him feel embarrassed or shamed.

2. No doing anything deadly like running by the pool, or no fun times by the pool with ds.

I would be a bit more relaxed about the candy, though I might save some for the next day or not give all to dc, similarly to how you did. But not as big a deal.

Good luck - this is a much bigger problem than the pool.

[Oriole]

Originally Posted by es1967

I do understand accidents happen and DS could have fallen elsewhere on my watch. I'm not blaming him for the car door incident. I'm just really surprised that he still does not agree that my son should not be allowed to run by the edge of the pool without an adult next to him. What can I do to make him understand the dangers? My MIL is part of the problem b/c she just disagrees with whatever my wishes are.

Frankly? I would not leave my kid with in-laws if they have a pool and do not see the dangers. As far as your husband goes, I thought you mentioned that you have provided a solid argument and he finally agreed with you?

[Oriole]

Originally Posted by es1967

Well today my DH asked us to go to dinner at my inlaws. Since my DS was born my MIL (dh's step mother) has been really rude and mean to me. She does not respect my decisions re my son and just ignores what I want. How would this make you feel? A few months when I requested that my son not run by the pool she laughed at us and said we were crazy. My Dh assured me that he now walks beside DS while he is around the pool. Tonight my MIL said to my DH " why are you doing that he always runs by the pool?" knowing that I was right there hearing the entire thing. I confronted DH and asked him if it was true and he said she is lying. I know my MIL is evil but now I am questioning if my DH is telling the truth. He acts like a lost puppy dog around her. Plus at dinner she went on about how my DS is going to have severe problems b/c he is not circumsized (sp?) when he is older. And then she bluntly said that it was me who made that decision. I was in the other room. As we were leaving she handed DS a handful of jelly beans w/o even asking if it is ok. It was 8:30 at night and I really do not want my son eating candy at that time. I took it away in the car and gave him one but threw the rest away. How would you handle this? What really makes me wonder is that earlier in the day DH and I had a disagreement and he said that he did not agree w my son not being able to run by the pool. Even after reading all the links I gave him re the dangers of it.

This sounds more like a problem with MIL than the difference in parenting styles.

I would discuss this with your husband, point by point. You are the parent and you feel disrespected, how can you address it as partners? Now.

P.S. Candy part is something that would make me cringe, but I'd let it go. Once in a blue moon, a bunch of jelly beans from nana won't harm a kid. The rest is what would bother me, because your husband is making a choice there not to stand up for you, and I would definitely work on that. Hang in there.

[artgoddess]

I don't have any advice but I did want to tell you that you are not alone. my moms group had this very same discussion last week. all of us fortunate enough to be able to SAH, and so we are with our kids 24/7 and we know what they might accidentally do a lot sooner than anyone else, even dad in a lot of cases. My mom friends complained about how they can see the uneven sidewalk 40 feet ahead and tell their L/O to watch out but 9 times out of 10 their DH's would not have noticed it until their toddler was face flat on the pavement crying. I think that it has a lot to do with us being there more often, and us being wired to think of their safety 24/7. Not that dads don't. But if a dad works out of the home 40 plus hours a week, he wouldn't be able to get a lot done at his job if he was thinking about ways to keep his kids safe the whole time. That and the general consensus the moms group came up with is that men just don't multi task the way we do. For example my DP can't possibly practice ABC's with one kid while feeding the other yogurt. One or the other or he gets very edgy.

If it just the case your DP parents differently certain things you have to let go. The pool, not something you let go, that you are 100% right about without a doubt. But smaller stuff, or accidents like the car door. Don't let on that you never would have let it happen. Just give him a hug and tell him you know he must feel bad. If you sigh or argue with him over the little stuff it makes it harder to win the arguments over the big stuff.

[Marsupialmom]

Great parenting momments of mine:

Gave son black eye with a cell phone.

Lost my cool, yelled out my son to get out of the house and go play. He fell down the steps.

Sent him down a slide --- the park is known at Thumpity Thump park. Let say it wasn't a smooth landing.

Fell down the steps.

Can't you tell he is my first?

I hit my oldest dd head with a car door more than once.

I hit my 8 year old in the head with the fridge door.

I slammed my grandma's finger in the door as a teen.

I think the car door thing was an accident that could have happen to anyone. I have seen kids with moms get wacked with car doors.

I wouldn't compromise on the pool.

[SunflowerMama]

I bet your husband feels really bad about your sons eye. I am sure it was an accident. I have done things to my children on accident. I have been cleaning and turn around not realizing that a little one was right there and ran them over, I have shut my ods fingers in the door of our truck, and the list goes on and on. Accidents happen sometimes.
I agree with oh, I am sorry I don't remember who said it, but that it could be more of a mil issue. Don't start second guessing your husband just because of comments she makes. That isn't good for your relationship with the man that you love. I would sit and discuss things with your hubby and let him know how you feel but don't come off as attacking him. He already feels bad for the accident. As for your mil...if you pray...then pray.
It is hard having a strained relationship with your mil...I know.