Tell me about raising an only child

[robynholly]

I would love stories about having or being an only child.
Thanks

[Just My Opinion]

There is a mama of onlies tribe here on mdc -- I have an only (so far) and she may stay an only due to a combination of personal choice/secondary infertility (pcos). Let me dig up the link!

ETA: Here ya go Mamas of onlies tribe

[LuxPerpetua]

I am an only child and my child will most likely be an only child. From what I can tell, it's just a different dynamic than a house with siblings, no worse, no better, just different. I have always loved being an only. When I found out I was pregnant, my parents sold their house and quit their jobs so they could move out of state to be near us--they would not have done that had I had a sibling, I bet. I have a very close relationship with my parents. I have never wanted a sibling--I don't even have any cousins who are my age that I'm close to--but I have never felt lonely. I'm okay with being by myself and I'm okay with quiet (two things I've found that, in general, most people have difficulty with). I'm an introvert but I socialize well. I am a perfectionist and an idealist, and those things were probably exacerbated by my onliness. I was a gifted kid, always made straight A's, and I think outside the box. I'm not really sure what else to say. I've been around people who have siblings and they have a very different relationship with their parents than I do. I love how close I am to my parents, and that's exactly what I want for our dd (which is one of our main reasons for her being an only).

The pros of an only, imo: Close relationship to parents, okay with solitude, independent, interacts well with adults (sometimes better than with peers), tends to act maturely early on, more likely to share with friends (there tends to be less issues with territory), more family resources for having fun and traveling . . . really, the list could go on and on.

I can't tell you how many times I read threads like "Oh my goodness! My 3 year old has turned into a holy terror after we had our new baby, and I think I'm going insane!" and as much compassion as I feel for that family, I'm deeply grateful that that isn't me. My dd is 3.5 and is an angel. We have lots of resources and energy for meeting her needs and our needs as well. I have no desire to mess things up when they are going so beautifully as is. I once heard a mom of an only say that having an only was the best kept secret, and I think she's right.

I highly recommend the book "Maybe One" by Bill McKibben (hope I spelled his name correctly--going from memory here!). It explains and dispels a lot of the myths surrounding maladjustment and onlies.

[robynholly]

thanks so much!

[Ann-Marita]

We have an only. It's great.

As the previous poster said, there seems to be less of an issue with sharing - DD is very generous.

DD is able to have an engaged, interesting conversation with people of any age, including adults and including those younger than her.

DD is GREAT with babies and little kids and loves to babysit. She says it because she doesn't have any younger siblings, so she never gets "burned out" with the little ones.

I would recommend taking some extra steps to encourage an only's relationships outside the family. DD has her "second family" - our next-door-neighbors (a lovely lesbian couple) - whom she loves. She has been involved in their grandchildren's lives for many years and considers them her "cousins", and one especially close one to be her "little brother". DD also has some very strong friendships with children in larger families, and that way she gets some of the experience of having siblings.

DD went through a phase of wanting a sibling when she was younger, (but only a sister, ) But then, as she got a bit older, she began to understand that having no siblings means she gets to do more. We have more money, energy, and time to spend with her than we would have if we had another child. She is way over wanting a sibling now.

We've chosen to homeschool DD. If we had another child, the financial stresses would force me to go back to work full-time, which would rule out homeschooling. But since we only have one, I get to work part-time and continue to educate DD the way we would like.

Since we only have one, DD is able to follow her interests more than she would have if we had more. I've seen some families that end up running their children all over for activities - dance, soccer, music lessons, etc. But the "running all over" gets old fast, and the kids don't get to participate as fully as they might like - there's just not enough time. Other families get everyone involved in the same activity (like dance), but often the oldest child was the one that was really interested in it and the younger siblings don't really have a choice in what they want to do. (Not all multi-child families operate like this, though.)

There are times when being an only is lonely. When friends aren't available to play, and DH and I can't play, then DD has learned to entertain herself. At times that can be boring and lonely. But it can also foster a real love of books.

And yes, we are very close to DD.

Over all, it's great.

[Sailor]

I'm an only child, and we're planning having an only.

As a kid - I loved it, frankly. I never had to share any family members. My mom was MY mom. My grandparents were MY grandparents. I really bonded with my great aunt too, and for a long time I was the ONLY kid in the entire family - so she was MY aunt. By the time some cousins came along, I was already grown and her favorite. So, no sharing there either. I always spent as much time with them as I wanted.

Because it was just me, my family was able to save enough money to take me on so many interesting trips around the world. I don't ever remember being bored. I just remember having this magical childhood, and wonderful teenage period.

I hope I can do the same for my child!

[ZoshaMosha]

I'm an only. I grew up in a major metro area where many kids were onlies (lots of older moms, single moms, super-career oriented moms or whatever), so it was never "weird" or abnormal in any way. Among my friends, about half were onlies, about half had maybe one sibling and a small minority had two or more sibs. I was never bored or lonely, I had tons of friends from school.

Only now do I wish I had a sibling. It would be nice to have a sibling to help with childcare or someone who really WANTED to take my kids for a long weekend . I have friends who I know will babysit if I need them, but it's not like they totally want to. Either way, there's no guarantee a sibling would want to either. I could have a brother who's studying in an ashram in India!

[robynholly]

Thank you for the wonderful posts. Ann-Marita-I was wondering what you said to your DD when she asked for a sibling?

[Green Eyes]

We have an only. She loves not having siblings. Like others have said, she doesn't have any problem sharing (she never did, even as a toddler). She has lots and lots of friends and she visits their houses, and they come here to play often. She's a very sociable person, but she does like quiet, too.

She's very content and can entertain herself for hours. She reads, knits, designs and sews doll clothes, and sews pillows and little stuffed animals. She's 11 and is writing and illustrating a novel, she is on Chapter 6 right now. She plays music, gardens, and has started up a little non-profit business. She's pretty darn amazing.

We've been able to take her along when we've traveled to some great places; we could not have gone on these trips if we had to pay for another child. We used to take her everywhere when she was little, even to some afternoon teas and parties (only after getting the host/hostess' O.K. of course), and she was always well-behaved and had conversations with the adults. She ended up being something of a conversation piece, lol!

If you ask to bring more than one child to an event, then people think, "OMG they are bringing the KIDS!"

When she was very little (3-4), sometimes strangers would come up to her and ask something like, "Aren't you lonely? Don't you want a little brother or sister?" so she asked one time. I told her that might be nice, but was never going to happen so she should enjoy getting all the toys at Christmas because if we had two kids, she would only get half the toys. (She only gets ~8 toys at Christmas so that had impact.) Not the best answer, I know, but that was all I could think of at the moment!

The only negative I can see is when she is older and maybe has to make decisions about my husband and I. It would probably be nice to have a sibling for help and to discuss things. Then again, siblings don't always get along, so she might be on her own with that, anyway.

[PreggieUBA2C]

I am the wife of an only. Dh is just now beginning to understand sharing. He has misunderstood sharing as being synonymous with 'lending,' which it is not.

He has struggled with not only learning to integrate his habits and life with just me, but especially with our dc. It takes him a very long time to adjust to change and more time to embrace the need for it, especially if someone else has been the one to inform him. He attributes this to the lack of need for such a thing as a child; there wasn't anyone around to really reflect who he was back to him in an immediate way such as siblings do for one another- which is very different than when parents inform or guide or model.

He is easily overwhelmed by noise, movement and emotional intimacy.

His ability to function socially outside the intimate relationships of our home appears stellar, but he struggles a lot with the culture shock he lives with having a wife and children.

He would have been described much the same way as the children in this thread, having unending patience and generosity. Anyone observing him socially would agree now too. It is only within the closeness of a family that there is an obvious lack of understanding, and he has begun to lament the lack of siblings for the experiences that he now thinks he missed.

As hard as it is for him as a husband and father, he now highly values sibling relationships and is so grateful that he married a wife who wouldn't agree to having an only child unless there were no other viable choice.

I have a close friend who is an only. She is also very sociable and well-liked by others. Again, though, she is now lamenting her parents' decision to not have another child.

Both my dh and my friend really loved being onlies as children except when they were lonely, but in their thirties see a missing piece of life experience and connection that they wish they had. Both sets of parents made a conscious decision to have only one child.

I know this is not universal; I just wanted to contribute some of the potential outcome for grown onlies.

I read here because I was curious. I had hoped to see a set of life experiences that show how enriching and contributive the life of an only can be (which I believe is no less possible or likely than for those with sibs).

Overall, my impression of the thread, with some exceptions, is that being an only means/meant having everything to oneself and having unending or frequent opportunities for self-fulfillment. I had hoped to see that onlies tend to have more time for contributing their gifts and abilities while being easily able to moderate what they receive. I hoped to read about an awareness of self and others. Instead I've read, admittedly from my full-home bias, a lot of 'I/my dc get/s this and that, travels here and there, does this and that for my/his/herself. Perhaps it is outside the only-style to hare such things? Dh struggles with this a lot too.

I am not criticizing. I hope to encourage onlies to share what beauty they contribute to life, rather than what they take from it. We all know how much more time and resources are available when you don't have to share. What I want to know is, what are you doing with that? How are you both benefitting and being beneficial as an only/raising an only?

These are the immediate questions that receive answer when asking families with many children. Perhaps they don't seem relevant here? I'm being open to differing understandings, not snarky.

With kindness,

[trancechylde]

Great post Preggie

:

[Green Eyes]

Originally Posted by PreggieUBA2C

...Overall, my impression of the thread, with some exceptions, is that being an only means/meant having everything to oneself and having unending or frequent opportunities for self-fulfillment. I had hoped to see that onlies tend to have more time for contributing their gifts and abilities while being easily able to moderate what they receive. I hoped to read about an awareness of self and others. Instead I've read, admittedly from my full-home bias, a lot of 'I/my dc get/s this and that, travels here and there, does this and that for my/his/herself...

In fairness, the OP asked for "stories" about being/having an only. If you start a thread about the specifics you have brought up here (self and social awareness, contributions), you will see different responses.

My husband and I didn't have a choice; we could have only the one. As I mentioned above, our child has a small non-profit business to benefit shelter animals.

She also started a "Warriors" clan at school - inspired by the Erin Hunter books - every child was welcome to play; some of the kids told her they were so happy about joining the clan because they didn't have anyone to play with at recesses. Her clan thrived because everyone was treated fairly and it was a lot of fun.

There's more, I could go on, but I didn't think the OP wanted that kind of detail... any kid could be doing those things - they are not necessarily the result of being an only child.

[Sailor]

Wow ... I'm sorry, but I think you are really stereotyping and generalizing. I'm fairly sure everyone in this thread knows how to share. We're talking about experiences specific to being an only child - not the values we adopted as adults.

I didn't know that I needed to mention that I volunteer my time heavily with animal rescues, that 20% of our income goes to various charities, that we've been known to offer our guest room to people (strangers even) who had a streak of tough luck and needed a safe place to stay, that instead of gifts for xmas from family we ask for donations to charities.

I thought this thread was about life as an only child, growing up. Not how generous I am in my adulthood.

I don't think that generosity or sharing has absolutely anything to do with having siblings. I know quite a few people who don't share well and are totally inept in relationships, and they have siblings.

I don't think siblings (or lack thereof) have anything to do with sharing. It's all about the values your parents teach you. Or the ones you adapt as an adult. Also, your genetic character plays a part too - whether you're an extrovert, introvert, social, asocial, etc.

I mentioned the things in my post because they made my childhood wonderful and makes my adulthood wonderful. And those things were specific to being an only child - complete access to my family, any time I want it. Being able to spend lots of quality time with them, without them worrying about splitting that time with other siblings, being able to learn and grow as a child through travel, having an absolutely magical childhood and teen period. If it's selfish to want to spend time with my family, as much as I want - so be it. I'll take that kind of selfish any day.

Whereas the fact that I share or that I'm generous is NOT specific to being an only child. It's specific only to the values I adopted for myself.

[Green Eyes]

Sailor, I read your first post to our daughter because I liked it so much.

[Thisbirdwillfly]

I am very close to my sister yet the people who most often remark how lucky I am are not only children but rather people who are not close to their siblings. I have yet to hear an adult only child wish they'd had a sibling who bullied them or was addicted to drugs or they simply were not close too. Yet that is often the reality of sibling relationships.

Also, I have many friends and extended family who are only children who made the adjustment to having their own family easily. I have at least as many friends who have siblings who have found anything but living alone difficult as adults.

We all know how much more time and resources are available when you don't have to share. What I want to know is, what are you doing with that? How are you both benefitting and being beneficial as an only/raising an only?

Everyone has to share. Unless someone lives truly alone, and children cannot do that, then there is sharing in all of our lives.

I'm raising my only child as I would raise ten children; with all the love, patience and time I can possibly muster. Simply by having one child, we've greatly reduced our carbon footprint. Having an only has meant a lot more time to give to the other people in our lives; including family and friends children.

What I have found with my adult friend who are only children is a deep well of generosity. They never had to compete for attention or time or "treats", there was always enough and so they don't hoard emotionally or materially. They don't mentally keep score of who got what and how much. They have a true faith that there is enough of everything to go around. It's actually very cool. My mother is nearly 70 and she still has that vibe. I hope my son maintains it.

Edited to add: It did strike me as rude to come into this thread and ask us what we are doing to justify our existance as only children/parents of only children.

[Thisbirdwillfly]

Sailor, Very well said. Thank you for adding your pov.

[Tigerchild]

I've been profoundly grateful as an older child and adult to have been an only because thank god no other child had to grow up in the abusive environment right in front of my face with my powerless to do anything but somewhat mitigate it.

The most greedy people I have known (for posessions, with time, with resources) have all been coincidentally from families with at least 3 kids. So obviously, having to share in childhood doesn't mean that people turn into loving, giving, sharing people. My mother was the eldest of five and to this day she still complains and can give you the laundry list of who took what from her and who didn't give her what when her mom and dad died (as well as what siblings broke what items and other wrongs). Now obviously, she's got more problems than being from a largish family, boy do I know that from intimate experience!

I'm sure there are horrid spoiled onlies out there. Just as there really are some spoiled, infantilized youngest children out there, and alpha bossy in-your-business hyper-achieving eldests.

Most onlies that I know actually are quite active and involved in politics, with charitable/humanitarian organizations, ect. They are generous with their time with their child*ren, and with others. I think for the folks I know who had healthy parents it's because they had a very fulfilling childhood, less socio-economic stress, most of them had full parental support in getting their college/schooling/entrepreneurial efforts supported when they first spread their wings, they had to reach out for companionship with peers and other kids (since it didn't drop into their lap).

I consider most of my many faults to be less the result of never having to share and therefore not making use of my ample unshared resources and having a duty to be beneficial to the world and more the effects of survival techniques that I had to learn to escape from my childhood home with the majority of my humanity and sanity intact. But as the dreaded only child, I reached out to kids who didn't have any friends, protected them physically from bullies (including sometimes their own siblings), and grew up to be a foster parent, homeless advocacy/outreach worker, habilitation counselor for developmentally disabled adults. I have facilitated ESL discussion groups. As a kid with my spare time I raised money for the world wildlife fund, did mini-garage sales for food banks, used the money I made from the base consignment store to "sponsor a child" when I saw the ad in one of my magazines (not the wisest investment probably, but hey, I was a kid). I had penpals across the world. I had quiet time to write whatever I wanted in my secret journal, and read every book in the base libraries without much interruption.

I don't know if that justifies my only child-dom, but I think that's pretty good for a kid who already had a strike against her from the luck of the draw with her parents (one who was an only, my dad, and one who was eldest of 5 and later 6, my mom) who had their own demons from their upbringings to overcome.

Assuming that an only child means that the child never learns to share is about as ludicrous as assuming that every child with a sibling learns to hoard and covet. I would say that all of us frankly end up doing a bit of both, some more than others, regardless of how many sibs we happen to have.

[insahmniak]

I'm raising an only. She's six now. She's never asked for a sibling. She has lonely times sometimes. I have been her playmate probably quite a bit more often than non-onlies. That's tough sometimes, but the flipside is the connection we share and the finger I'm able to keep on her well-being. I love the relationship I'm able to have with her. It's full and rich and I'm not pulled in a hundred directions.

I believe that only children are as different from each other as children with siblings. I think the only study I've seen that can demonstrate a difference is that they tend to have a slightly higher sense of self-esteem. My child is sharp as a tack, generous and kind. She plays very well by herself. She loves playing with children of all ages. We've been able to enrich her life with activities that we would not be able to indulge in times(2) or more.

I was not an only. I was a lost middle child. My older sister completely overshadowed me in every way and my esteem suffered greatly. I can't measure it, but I wonder to what extent it might have set me back. I do know that at the time it hurt deeply, and I took many ugly risks trying to fix it. I'm all grown up and fine now, and I don't hold anything against my sister or my parents of course. It was just a child's response to a situation that I had no control over. I think I would have *thrived* as an only, or a first child. It would have suited my personality a great deal. As it was my parents were just unable to fill my love cup. Tough luck. They made the best decision they could and I just happened to get shorted.

Children typically don't have any control over whether they are onlies or have siblings. I can see how my daughter may have really enjoyed some things about being an older sister. But she's not the parent making the decision and having to come up with the resources. I'm not a high-energy person. I loathe the prospect of having to mediate squabbles. I would absolutely not have enough energy to do two children justice. I've done the best I can in making this decision. Just as my parents did when they decided to have three. Besides which, I know from experience that any second child I might have had could have really preferred and thrived being an only. What then?

I've come to believe that it's not so much about trying to anticipate and match the children's needs with their sibling environment, because you don't get to choose the personality of your child. Rather it's about parents not overextending themselves so that they end up with a child who feels lost, or they are short-tempered and on their last hairy nerve on a consistent basis. For me, that meant stopping with one.

I have a friend who is an only, married to an only, and she said the only complaint she has is the judgment and ridicule she has received from others when they find out she grew up an only. They assume she had it all easy, got anything she wanted, was spoiled rotten and that now she's probably pretty self-indulgent. Funny thing - they just had us over for a gourmet dinner tonight. It was a beautiful spread that they lavished us with. They just happen to be the kind of only children who are very generous. Lucky us.

[flapjack]

I'm an only, and married to an only. My first husband was one of two, and the brothers didn't get along

For me, growing up I was intensely lonely and isolated and struggled with depression from my early teens through to adulthood. I didn't feel securely attached to my parents, but I didn't feel securely attached to anyone else either- I also had some real difficulties making friends, making small talk, and doing the bit between "what's your name?" and playdates. I pretty much spent my childhood locked in the pages of a book, especially boarding school stories with packs of girls of the same age all growing up together with shared experiences. I have a small extended family- mum's only sister died childless, dad's only brother had an only daughter too- and whilst we had family friends, it really wasn't the same at all. I vividly remember wondering if it was my fault. If I'd done something differently, been better behaved (and by all accounts, I was an ANGEL) then maybe my parents would have wanted another one. My self-esteem was pretty low because I measured myself by an artificially constructed set of standards- which, to the best of my knowledge, are still in place today.

Now, there is more to this for me: I'm also the child of older parents (mum hit menopause soon after I was born) and two professionals- mum went straight back to work after her maternity leave. I spent my childhood asking for a sibling- literally, item number 1 on my Xmas list from the time I learnt to write through to age 8 or so, when puppies took over. If you're stopping at 1 because of secondary infertility or early menopause, please consider discussing this with your child. I only found out last year- 31!- when I asked when my mother hit menopause.
Oh,and for what it's worth, the only afterschool activity that I wouldn't have traded for a sibling (ANY sibling) was the Girl Guides. Piano lessons? Saxophone, clarinet? Frankly, you could have kept them.
There's more,though. DH and I are seeing the sucky side of being only children a second time over. My FIL is only 71 years old and will be housebound and in need of care for the rest of his life- and frankly, that may be some time. His wife is long gone, he has only one surviving sibling who is battling skin cancer. We're needed here- to do everything. The laundry, the cleaning, the finances, EVERYTHING. We get respite care and his personal care is provided by social services, but we can't spend any length of time away and we do not have a choice in where we live. None of this would be a problem- if it weren't for the fact that my mother is at the opposite end of the country and should anything happen to HER, well, that's her tough luck. I'm an only child and I can't be in two places at once. I'm just left hoping and praying that she stays healthy and keeps going at least until after FIL is gone, because I do not want to be in the situation where I have to choose between my parent and my husband, my family. But it may come to that

So, two things I ask of you, as an adult only.
1) Let your kid know that it isn't about them. Let your kid know that they're unreservedly, completely, totally and utterly wonderful, and yes, if they ask why they're an only child please tell them straight.
2) Please make very sure that your provision for your old age is FAR, FAR above adequate. That's worth more than any trip to Disneyland. You may be intending to go to a nursing home, but what about your finances? Will you- will they- feel happy to see financial control and power of attorney go to someone outside the family? That's a big responsibility and a heavy burden, when the time comes.

[madskye]

I was an only child, and I am pretty sure DD (4) will be an only as well.

I loved it--and it didn't have anything to do with sharing. I just remember when I was young seeing all of my friends be tortured by their siblings--either with teasing or hitting. Siblings didn't seem like much of a plus when we were very young.

Once I got into high school, I became very close friends with two huge families (One family had 6 kids, one 8) and I spent a lot of time just folded into the mix with them. At that point, a big family was more fun and I liked the way we would go to the beach and bring some of the younger kids and take care of them and I found it all very interesting--but I was always happy to go back to my quiet, peaceful home.

My family was very quiet, and not very social--so I think I was pretty lonely until high school when I became more independent and my mom let me spend large quantities of time with other people.

My husband and I are very, very social. DD is an only, but we always have other kids around--either cousins or neighborhood kids. We go on vacation with our neighbors and their three kids and we are all very close. She goes to daycare and has great friends there, plus she loves her teachers. We have a group of close friends who all have children that we see several times each month. She spends a lot of time with her grandparents.

What am I/is she doing with the more resources that we have from being onlies/having an only?

Well, she is only four so at this point she just does normal four year old things like try to write her name and undress her dolls. I don't think I can say that just because she is an only she gets more attention or more things. I don't know that I'd be more or less focused on her, or more or less apt to buy anything if I had more kids. (I hate to shop and she likes to play with found objects mostly anyway) I think people parent the way they parent, no matter how many kids you have, and I just focus on what's important to us--which is good manners, compassion, imagination, and reading. I think I'd do the same with three kids.

One thing that I do try to do with my "resource of time" is work out and take care of myself. It might not be for the better social good, but I do still feel like I am deserving of an hour each day to keep healthy and sane and either work out or goal set or go for a walk. But again, you'll read posts from mama's of 6 kids here who have figured out that's important for themselves, too--so I don't think that's kid specific.

I see my friends stretched very thin shuttling 3 kids around to various activities. I'm glad I don't have to do that, but still I am pretty busy with just my one, and I don't find having an only has opened vast quantities of time for me to do anything bold like start a soup kitchen. But I was able to teach a creative non-fiction writing class for mothers at our Whole Foods every Weds night for two months last fall. And I did start a business when DD turned two, and that's very successful now. But again--not sure how much of that is having an only, and how much of it is just my life.