Handling Physical Scuffles Between Siblings

[elanorh]

Sooo....

Our near-three-year-old has recently started fighting for 'fun.' She likes to pinch, scratch (faces especially), pull hair.... She has not played this way in the past, her sister did not ever play this way with her, I don't know where/why she learned it, but it is not part of a long-term pattern for her (well, just the past couple weeks!!).

Both our girls are pretty rough-and-tumble and like to wrestle with their daddy, etc. They like to run, chase balls, etc., roll around together. I don't expect them not to get physical with each other. But at the same time, DD2 is leaving scratches on her sister's face.

We have taken dd2 out of the room and told her she if she can't be kind to people, she should not be around other people.

We have told dd1 to get up, move, don't allow dd2 the opportunity (but to me this simply protects dd1, without dd2 learning that she shouldn't hurt others). DD1 doesn't do this that well (or rather, dd2 seizes every opportunity I guess?).

DH believes that dd1 should respond with the exact same behavior as dd2 - so if dd2 scratches dd1's face, then dd1 should scratch her sister's face. Intuitively, this might make sense (since dd2 would then realize how much what she was doing, hurts) ... but honestly I think dd2 wants to play rough and would just keep going since it would ratify to her that her behavior is OK (how can it not be, if her sister does it right back to her?).

Separating them doesn't work well, because they like to play together. Until dd2 starts scratching, pulling, etc.! I think for her, a part of the behavior is tied to dd1's reaction (makes dd2 feel powerful?). Maybe she does it because she's bored with what they're doing (it does not seem to correlate with big sister preventing her from playing something or etc., it seems mostly random or related to her sister laying down to color or something, not a retaliatory thing).

Anyway - I guess I suppose that puppies, kittens, other animals engage in this behavior too; but it seems to me that there is something we can/should do to keep dd1 from getting so beat up (she is gentle with her little sister!) -- and to keep dd2 from extending this behavior towards other children that she plays with (has not done so yet, thank goodness).

Any advice?

[VisionaryMom]

DD's recently started hitting b/c I think she's finally realized that she can. Anyway, it comes out of nowhere, as opposed to DS's hitting. When DS complains, I tell him to walk away if it bothers him. I get what you're saying that it's not teaching your DD that it hurts, but at the same time, I think it does teach that how you treat other people affects how they will respond to you. In general, if you scratch someone's face, that person will not want to play with you. That message is pretty powerful and useful.

[Evergreen]

Just don't do what I did this weekend. My two dds ages 6 and 2.5 were in a physical altercation over a baby toy they'd found in their blocks bin. I was so sick of the constant fighting I went into my husband's room, put on his Halloween werewolf mask and marched into the living room growling, "You two stop fighting!" thus scarring both of them for the rest of the afternoon. Lat night they did have a good laugh over it. The little one said, "Mommy, wolf mask, No fighting!" but at the time they got much more upset than I had imagined would happen.

[beanma]

I'm in the encourage-her-to-say-she's-sorry camp. I know that's not a particularly popular point of view on MDC, but I view it like encouraging "pleases" and "thank yous". I would point out to the little one that she is hurting dd1 and that that is not acceptable to me or her sister. I would talk a lot about how dd1 feels and explain that saying sorry might help dd1 feel better and would ask her if she wants to tell dd1 she's sorry. I would then facilitate that. (I often have to go with my dd2 — she's also a scratcher, btw, and I have no idea where it came from, except pretending to be a kitty.)

I then often have to encourage dd1 to accept dd2's apology and offer a response since sometimes she'll be too mad to want to deal with it. I have a pet peeve about not responding to an apology, though, since many times I have been the person working up my courage to say "sorry" only to meet a stony wall of silence. Makes me feel like why bother, y'know? So I do encourage a response to "sorry" and I also encourage a specificity with the sorry ("I'm sorry I hurt you/scratched you"). Our acceptable responses to sorry are "It's okay", "I'm sorry, too", and "thanks" although something in their own words is fine, too. Sometimes it is "okay" (you stepped on my foot by accident, but you didn't really mean to). Sometimes two people are at fault (we were both fighting) and both need to say "sorry". Sometimes one person is really in the wrong and the other is not at fault, but it is not okay ("thanks"). I hate, hate, hate leaving a "sorry" hanging w/o a response.

I really feel like it's important for my kids to know what the proper societal response is when they hurt someone else (physically, or otherwise). Although I do try to model all the polite words and phrases ("please", "thank you", "you're welcome", "excuse me", "I'm sorry") my kids don't seem particularly adept at picking up on it without explicit instructions. I know some little kids who are and that's great, but it doesn't work that way for everyone.

I would not encourage retaliation. You might point out that when she scratches dd1 it feels like that time she got scratched by that bush or neighbor's cat, etc.

hth

[mom2grrls]

I think kids that age do view their hitting, scratching as fun or it can be for attention. I would spend more time playing with them or at least close by b/c you don't want anyone getting hurt if you can help it. it's a phase thing that will pass and I think telling your older DD she can move is fine b/c it's not like the 3 y/o will be doing this forever.