Mom Dying, Family Going Cuckoo

[Realcraftymama]

My mother has been classified as terminal for many years due to a combination of illnesses. Recently she has suffered seizures and a fall, resulting in a cracked pelvis. Immediately after her fall she showed no signs of pain, though she was foggy from the seizure. Four days later, she asks to be taken to the emergency room...gets to the emergency room and bitches about wanting to go home -- before she has been seen. They admit her to a room...she complains constantly, my Dad and brothers follow suit. The nurses are incompetent, the doctors, the CNAs, the insurance company....noone is doing their job to the satisfaction of the family. I, however, have noted that she has been receiving excellent care from everyone and they have gone above and beyond their duties as she's attached to that darned call button and rings them up constantly for the smallest of things.

She goes to rehab, a beautiful facility with attentive care. Again, nothing is good enough, she goes back to the hospital - at her request. I truly believe that the staff just didn't know what to do with her. She ends up at home with hospice care for about two weeks, they pull out as she is not in the end of life phase - yet.

In the meantime, my family is stuck in the anger phase of grief. Angry at the wind, the sun, the ice cream man(swear to god), the neighbors choice of dog...the list goes on. I've tried to talk to them rationally and that just makes me a huge a-hole in their eyes, because I won't go with the flow and hate, hate, hate.

My mother and I were never close, maybe that's why I can see things more objectively, I don't know. Their inappropriate anger is just driving me crazy and it is hard to be around them. I'm not much of a commiserat-er...I'm a problem solver, so the endless, pointless bitching is well, pointless. I just cannot take it anymore.

No snappy conclusion.

[Cherie2]

this sucks ... seems to me like none of them are feeling heard - although I am not sure what that would take... a friend of mine noticed that when they start falling death is not far behind, and it has proven to be true in my life. I am sorry your mom is dying. :

[Crunchy*VT*Mom]

Their inappropriate anger is just driving me crazy and it is hard to be around them.

You are also showing the same anger...but in your case it is directed at them.

Go easy on yourself and on your family and realize that this is an incredibly unhappy time in all of your lives. You are angry that your mother is suffering and there is no one to take it out on but the hospital staff and the ice cream man and the neighbor's dog.

The hospital staff can handle it. They deal with this type of anger every day. Go ahead and let your mother vent at them.

I am so sorry. My mother died this way too. She was raging at the doctors right up until the very end.

[Realcraftymama]

Thanks, Mamas!

Originally Posted by Crunchy*VT*Mom

You are also showing the same anger...but in your case it is directed at them.

Go easy on yourself and on your family and realize that this is an incredibly unhappy time in all of your lives. You are angry that your mother is suffering and there is no one to take it out on but the hospital staff and the ice cream man and the neighbor's dog.

The hospital staff can handle it. They deal with this type of anger every day. Go ahead and let your mother vent at them.

I am so sorry. My mother died this way too. She was raging at the doctors right up until the very end.

Thanks, we're all having a hard time of it right now. I do try not to be so sensitive and can laugh now at the ridiculousness of my family's complaints but it's soooooo embarassing while it's happening...:

[Realcraftymama]

Originally Posted by Cherie2

this sucks ... seems to me like none of them are feeling heard - although I am not sure what that would take... a friend of mine noticed that when they start falling death is not far behind, and it has proven to be true in my life. I am sorry your mom is dying. :

Thanks for the good vibes. I can feel it all the way across the country. :

[Susana]

RealCraftyMama
I was in your shoes last year. My mom was diagnosed with cancer in January and died in November. In between I went through hell with my sisters (one older, one younger). I was the ONLY one who understood what the hell was going on and the only one who had my wits about me the entire time (well, it was hard here and there, but I still was able to deal with reality)

I'm sorry you're going through what you're going through. It's hard enough dealing with the loss of your mom, but having to deal with the crazy stuff makes it so much harder. I know.

My sisters and I have very strained relationships now..I hardly talk to them anymore. It's sort of a relief, honestly.

Hugs for you..

[yoyoma]

I completely relate to your viewpoint. I have been criticized in the past for "not grieving enough" but I feel that I just don't need to put on theatrics for attention when I'm going through a hard time (especially when it's not even my hard time, but a loved one's). I also try not to blame others for problems when they are trying hard to help. It's hard to be openly objective and logical without being criticized since we are supposed to be bleeding heart type mother figures. Being a realist who doesn't lose their head is an asset, so don't let your brain-fogged family alter your perception of the ordeal into something disproportionately painful. Many times, people respond the way your family has because they feel subconsciously that this is an excellent opportunity to receive attention. Some may realize this, others may not. Never let anyone tell you how to FEEL. That's a little too 1984 (the book) for me.

:

[ThirdEyeMom]

Realcraftymama, your family is in what is called "anticipatory grief" and seems like with the loss of your Mom, perhaps in the near future, your family is lashing out to cope. Your more "levelheaded' approach can, perhaps, bring balance, moment by moment or situation to situation. I went through with this when my Mom died two Christmases ago. There is still "nuttiness" going on in the family, but I decided that no matter how hard it gets (and it has been so bad, some family relationships are not going to heal) that I cannot take it personally for my own spiritiual, mental, and physical health.

I agree with the poster who said hospital professionals are trained to deal with this. Perhaps, you can engage a hospital chaplin to meet with the family or a social worker to speak with the family as a group about their feelings. (We did this when my Dad's death was nearing. Mom and I knew that his death, our first parent to die, would leave a huge impact on our big family.) Good luck.

[Sarah W]

I think one of the hardest times is when a family knows that a member is terminal but they haven't passed yet. There's a lot of fear, frustration, and anger. Just the helplessness would drive anyone crazy.

When my grandmother was dying, there was quite a bit of anger and blows being dealt between family members. Things weren't good enough for her, one family member wasn't "sad" enough or "nice" enough. I was angry at my grandfather because I didn't feel he was being gentle enough with her, while he was dealing with losing his wife of 50+ years. My aunt still help hope that she'd get better, even though she hadn't eaten for days, my cousin thought I was being too hard of my grandfather, I was mad at her because I felt like she was taking his side, everyone thought my mother was callous because she barely visited when everything was happening...

The thing is, we're an extremely close group of people. We got through it, but it was a really difficult time.