when someone forces their child to apologize to you...

[boheime]

How do you handle a situation when someone forces their child to apologize to you? Especially, when you feel the child has done nothing to you and has no reason to apologize? When a child suddenly marches up in front of his mother at an event you organized, looking scared to death, and repeating a 3-4 sentence apology, when he did nothing wrong?

I should have handled it better and told him that I didn't feel he owed me an apology, but this was really over the top and I wasn't certain how to handle it. I don't want to be accused of getting in between this woman and her parenting choices, but she pulled me into this and I should have handled it better. Instead, I just kind of stood there trying to figure out what to say, and not finding anything that she wasn't going to jump down my throat for, I gave the child a (hopefully) kind look, bent down to his eye level, and asked him if he had fun. When he tentatively said yes, I told him I was glad.

[Katwoman]

While I don't know how old the child was, how about:

This was not something that hurt my feelings or wronged me. I really appreciate you considering my feelings in this situation and appreciate your apology. Please know there are no hard feelings and I look forward to seeing you again.

That way you're not in the middle of the other persons parenting. But speaking to the child in a way that makes him/her understand other people really do care/appreciates that s/he considered their feelings and whether they were hurt or not. But yours weren't and he/she doesn't have to worry the next time you see him/her that you're going to be mad/upset.

[octobermom]

I acknowlege the applogy thank them and clearify that I felt they had done nothing wrong.

Deanna

[jenr]

But, what happens if you don't feel the child did something wrong, but what s/he did was against the rules within their own family? By saying you don't think they did anything wrong, you could be confusing the child. The only reason I bring this up is that I have run into the situation - my kids were in a toy store one time and ran down an aisle to see something. My eldest accidentally ran into a woman who worked there and when I prompted him to apologize, she said "oh I don't mind, run around as much as you want". This made me really upset because I was trying to get them to not run and when they took off again and I tried to stop them my eldest turned and said "the lady who works here said it was okay."

Playing devil's advocate here.

[EFmom]

I accept the apology with kindness. I don't try to control how other people parent their children.

[One_Girl]

Originally Posted by EFmom

I accept the apology with kindness. I don't try to control how other people parent their children.

This is what I do as well.

[octobermom]

But, what happens if you don't feel the child did something wrong, but what s/he did was against the rules within their own family? By saying you don't think they did anything wrong, you could be confusing the child.

Then I just accept the applogy. Like I once had parent make there kid appogize for "intrupting" an adult conversation. Basically during dinner her son 4 during a quiet tie in a conversation blurted out that he know about something ( amimals can't remember). He was just happ and making converstation to me but to his parents he was disruputive and shouldn't be just blurting out things. They feel he should say excuse me and get permission before entering an "adult" conversation..
Too me he did nothing wrong but that is there rule. THere rule is strict but its not over the top and its not really cruel. (they actually do treat there kids with a ton of respect and allow there voices just in a way diffrent from us) so its totally not my place to decide this rules should be ingnored. So when the mom said you don't do that please applogize... I just accepted it. I did also say I'd love to hear about his animals next... It both respected the parents and relaxed the child.

my kids were in a toy store one time and ran down an aisle to see something. My eldest accidentally ran into a woman who worked there and when I prompted him to apologize, she said "oh I don't mind, run around as much as you want"

Yea that would annoy me as well.. If/when that happens to me I might say a "its alright I'm okay" as a on the spur of the moment lack of better words way of saying I'm PHYSICALLY okay to assure everyone.. But I'd never say it was okay they disobeyed and deffiently not added the run around all you want part. .. Id probably say something more like. Oh thankyou I appreciate the polite words, I am okay...

Deanna

[texmati]

This has happened to me a few times. I normally just address the parent, oh, I'm sorry, I should have watched where I was going. or Oh, it's not a problem, your kid has such pretty eyes.

I think parents sometimes get embarrassed and want to show that they are doing something.

I wouldn't address the kid.

[octobermom]

I wouldn't address the kid.

Really why? I used to hate when I applogized (forced or not) and the parent talked over me to my parents. It felt like my words meant nothing to them.

Deanna

[texmati]

Originally Posted by octobermom

Really why? I used to hate when I applogized (forced or not) and the parent talked over me to my parents. It felt like my words meant nothing to them.

Deanna

i should have been more clear-- I would address the parent before the kid made the apology. I'm thinking more in a situation where the parent is forcing a small child to mumble an apology that I don't think is necessary or worth my time. Like a kid bumping into me at the grocery store. When the parent starts scolding/disciplining their kid I just say 'not a problem!' or 'my fault!' and move on.

The 6 and 7 year olds that pulled up my asiatic lilies 1 day after they bloomed, I'd listen to and thank them for their apology. (I'm still trying to forgive! )

I'm not a parent though-- maybe that's the difference? I guess I'm trying to be kind and understanding, but I don't want to interfere/undermine the parent by telling the kid that it's not a big deal, and I don't want to spend a lot of time thinking about it. It seems like a mine field-- I don't want to get involved.

I do respond when kids address me, and wave when they wave back though. I'll keep it in mind to stop and listen from now on. I never realized what I was doing might come off as rude.

[octobermom]

Like a kid bumping into me at the grocery store. When the parent starts scolding/disciplining their kid I just say 'not a problem!' or 'my fault!' and move on.

I personally would have still prefered being addrressed dirrectly but no that wouldn't have offended me.

Deanna

[nerdymom]

I've had this happen twice recently. Most recently the mom actually took her son (3 or 4 yrs old) out of the nursery and spanked him because he took a toy from my son (7 months), then made him apologize. Before it escalated into a spanking I kept telling the mom it was OK, DS wasn't really playing with it anyway, etc etc but she didnt' listen. But when her son came back in to apologize I looked into his eyes, said "thank you for apologising, I forgive you. Would you like to play with this toy?"

But it's such an uncomfortable situation! I felt wretched!!