Destructive 4YO

[noah's mom]

DS1 recently turned 4, and with it has started a huge destructive streak. Whenever he gets mad at DH and I (either for hearing "no" to something he wants, or being reprimanded for something he did) he tries to destroy whatever he gets his hands on. Among other things, he has torn wallpaper off the walls, ripped papers to shreds (including bills etc of ours), and slammed his bedroom door so hard the trim around the doorframe has come off. He will also kick walls/doors/furniture, throw whatever he can get his hands on (yogurt is the most fun to clean up , try to hit/pinch/kick us. Sometimes he will laugh as he's doing it.

We do not spank, don't do "traditional" time-outs (although DH will often give DS1 "room time" - have him sit in his room until he calms down...which is then where a lot of the destructiveness happens. DS1 also runs to his room on his own about half the time, slams the door and stays there - screams at us when we try to come in & talk to him...). We typically just try to talk him through it while keeping people/things as safe as possible.

It's getting extremely frustrating, as it's recently gone from occasional behavior to multiple times daily. I feel like I've run out of GD resources to handle this!

Is this a typical 4YO "stage" that will pass eventually if we don't pay much attention to it? (but how do you not pay attention to broken door trim and wallpaper that now needs replacing?) How do we handle this?

HELP!

[misseks]

How about a room-time with the door open and you standing next to it, so he sees you? Or a room-time outdoors where there isn't anything to destroy?

Hugs, mama. Sounds tricky.

[WalkingByFaith]

First and foremost I wonder why you are cleaning up the mess from his destructiveness? He's 4 and well old enough to learn that if he makes a mess he's going to clean it up. As for destroying things in his room while in room time, I'd simply remove the items he's destroyed and when his room is empty he'll get the picture.

[noah's mom]

Originally Posted by WalkingByFaith

First and foremost I wonder why you are cleaning up the mess from his destructiveness? He's 4 and well old enough to learn that if he makes a mess he's going to clean it up. As for destroying things in his room while in room time, I'd simply remove the items he's destroyed and when his room is empty he'll get the picture.

Actually, we do typically have him clean up his own messes (within reason...we can't exactly make him hang wallpaper at this age!) - the yogurt "incident" was pretty exceptional, in that it was literally on the walls, the cupboards, the ceiling...not something you can expect a 4yo to tackle on his own, although he did "help". At any rate, doesn't seem to be making a difference thus far...

[mom2grrls]

I would start by making sure he's getting all the sleep he needs. my DS's anger gets multiplied by 100 when he's tired. I had an issue with him tearing wallpaper so I eventually took it down and painted instead. I would make sure your bills are out of his reach so at least important things aren't getting destroyed. Instead of saying no and reprimanding, perhaps change your language and loosen up about things he may be doing "wrong". he may feel frustrated along with angry. try to avoid battles and see if you can figure out triggers for the destructive behavior. get him lots of play and outside time to run off energy.

[2mama]

This is very tricky. Alot of people will have thoughts as to best handle this but have never experinced it. I on the other hand live in "fear" of this each day.

DS is also 4 and can be extremely distructive. One of the things I have found I must do is to attempt to keep tabs on him so he doesn't get to the point of distruction, which can be hard while parenting and homeschooling other children ans trying to run a household. In doing this I attempt to use distraction and calming techniques before the volcano is about to or in the process of erupting. But that isn't always possible, or I miss the cues, or I simpley get lazy and let things slide, then I need to try something different. When he is at the point of loosing I try to not isolate him, it just makes things harder. I will go into his room with him and attempt to talk to him in a calming tone, asking him what he is angery about, and what I can do to help him help himself calm down. I have to try very hard to not show my negative feelings and to stay calm, which doesn't always work, but I am working on it. I also try to remind myself that the state of distress he is in doesn't help his abilty to think rationally and that I may need to help him by giving him suggestions as to what he is feeling angry about and or how to calm. One important thing to remember is that no matter how scued the prospective he may have I never agrue with him. I figure I don't like to be questioned as to how I interpreted things when I am irritable, and either does he. We then talk about things to help calm and distract him, then about positive behavior and expectations once he is calm. I usually sit down on the bed next to him or hold him during this. If we as parents stand over the child it is intimidating, sitting down or holding him is much less so.

So here comes the hard part, when he is physically harming me or one of his siblings. This is hard because if he has gotten this far I have a lot of work to do and so does he. If this happens I will take off my glasses, pick him up and take him to his room. I will try and talk quitely to him while he is hitting, punching, ect, while attempting to hold him snuggly. I will lay him down on his bed or set him down when he has stopped assulting me and is no longer screaming at me. Sometimes, depending on how tried or overdone he is this may take several tries. But I just keep it up until I can set him down with out being harmed. Then I progress as usual(see above).

Another thing I also try to do is to reward + behavior with a sticker cart. Each time he makes a good choice I will put a sticker on, then I will remind him of all the good choices he made that day and say something like, I know you really want to make a good choice, how about if we do this... This usually helps.. We now have an ongoing sticker chart that when he gets it filled he can go on a bike ride alone with dad, or take a walk alone with mom. But we started with a daily chart and no other reward other than the stickers.

Last but not least look back and see what kind of changes have occurred since he turned 4, I would bet that something is different. It maybe something small or it maybe somthing big, but what ever it is try and think about how you can help him get used to it...

Good luck!