grandma issues

[lillacfaerie]

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[betsyj]

I am not there of course but could it be because he is still a baby and therefore not as "interesting" as the toddlers are? I do notice that some people in my family do more with my son now that he is so interactive and user friendly.

[jlobe]

Sometimes I think it's on people's preferences.... I have relatives who love holding/cuddling babies, and aren't as sure how to relate to toddlers/pre-schoolers.

[lillacfaerie]

Yes I think it may have something to do with her being a baby. My sister in law's children are old enough to get jealous so I think she may be over compensating. I rember when my nephew was a baby though, that my MIL practically stole him on a family reunion. My SIL would wander around looking for her baby. So my MIL is a real baby person, just not with our baby.

My husband comes from a blended family, so there are always issues with step sibling rivalry. The children that my MIL favors are her step daughter's children. Our baby is her only blood grandchild. Perhaps she wants to make sure that the step kids dont feel replaced by her "real" grandchild.

We recently went to a family reunion where she spent the entire week doting on her step grandchildren and ignoring my husband and our baby. We left the baby with her for an hour while we had some couple time. When we came back she declared how easy our baby was, she left her in the exersaucer for 45 minutes and the child didn't fuss once! I would think that she could have spent an hour with the kid.

[Bluegoat]

I find that my girls grandparents tended to focus more on my older dd when dd2 was a baby. It was because dd1 really demanded to be listened to and played with more than it was related to their feelings about the baby. To some extent, I think it's the row second + kids have to hoe.

[VisionaryMom]

I also would imagine that it's because your child is a baby. I'm not a big baby person either though I have a couple of aunts who *love* babies and then aren't as involved with toddlers.

[limabean]

Part of it could also be her just falling into a comfortable rut. If they live nearby and she sees them all the time, she may just be more comfortable interacting with them and it may not come as naturally with you guys. I'm not saying that makes it right, but it may contribute to it and she might not even be aware she's doing it.

I went to a baby shower yesterday, and I found myself falling into a pattern of talking to people I see regularly, because I'm so comfortable with them. I had to make a conscious effort to go visit with people I don't get to see as often. I was glad I did so, and I learned some interesting things about them that I hadn't known before, but it did take some insight/effort on my part -- I could have easily passed the time chatting with good friends instead and missed out on developing a closer relationship with family members I don't get to see a lot.

[Caneel]

We experience this with DH's mother. She is hyper-involved with her step grandchildren and ignores our DS when we visit.

She goes so far as to invite the step kids and grandkids on our outings (that we plan and pay for) when we visit the ILs just so she doesn't need to be alone with us and DS.

I will say, she truly treats her step kids and their children as blood relatives, which I do think is a great thing.

Geography definately plays into it. She lives close by her step grandkids, we live 2,000 miles away.

Her relationship with her son, my DH, is a factor. She wasn't a good mom. I suspect she feels so much shame over this that the only way she can deal with it is to not connect.

The biggest factor, which is related to the above, is she is simply more comfortable with the step-branch of the family. The kids (DHs step siblings) are as disfunctional as the parents (my ILs).

It is one big pot of rolling issues. There is drama over EVERYTHING. The ILs need, physically and emotionally, to be close to the grandkids.

We live a different life. The ILs don't know how to relate to us.

Now, my example is extreme but I could easily see how a grandparent could be more comfortable with one branch of the family and gravitate towards a more comfortable relationship with those kids.

Could that be going on in your family? Are the step-daughters and your MIL more alike?

[cristeen]

Originally Posted by lillacfaerie

My husband comes from a blended family, so there are always issues with step sibling rivalry. The children that my MIL favors are her step daughter's children. Our baby is her only blood grandchild.

I wish I had some advice for you... just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this one. My father has always been close with his step-grandchildren (youngest is now something like 15), and when we announced we were pregnant with his first bio grandchild, he couldn't have cared less.

Ultimately you have to decide - is it worth facing head on and having a conversation with her about? Is it worth possibly subjecting your child to the favoritism for their entire life? Do you limit the situations? How do you *want* to handle the issue - if you assume that it won't resolve itself (which may or may not be true, but it sounds like that's where you're headed)? Make those decisions between you and your DP and go from there.

[zinemama]

Originally Posted by cristeen

Ultimately you have to decide - is it worth facing head on and having a conversation with her about? Is it worth possibly subjecting your child to the favoritism for their entire life? Do you limit the situations? How do you *want* to handle the issue - if you assume that it won't resolve itself (which may or may not be true, but it sounds like that's where you're headed)? Make those decisions between you and your DP and go from there.

This is the heart of the matter. Hash out these issues with your dh. Then, if that's what you decide, have dh have a talk with his mother. This should definitely come from him, not you.

After he has raised the issue - if that's what he decides to do - I think you should let it go, see how the cards fall, and decide how you want to handle the situation if it remains unchanged.