Am I cut out for two kids?

[kkhan]

We are trying to decide if we want to have a second child. Our first is pretty exhausting. I had a good 6 months of anxiety over him. It feels like it's just getting better now, 13 months after his birth. I had a great pregnancy and birth experience. And we had planned on having two but I know plans can change. Part of me wants my son to have a sibling (hubby and I both love that we had and have siblings) especially since we plan on home schooling and eventually moving somewhere more rural. But the other part of me feels like I might not be able to emotionally handle another baby.

Is a second child less stressful in any ways?

Or is it just straight up chaos with a baby and a 2 1/2-3 yr. old?

Did anyone have any postpartum anxiety experience with their first but not their second?

I know, of course, nobody is going to regret any of their children! But I am seriously worried about being too drained to be any darn good at being a momma. It makes me sad thinking about not having another kid but maybe I'm not cut out for it?

Thanks, mommas.

[NYCVeg]

What's the rush to decide? Your LO is still a baby. If you're feeling uncertain, why not wait 6 months (or a year, or 2, or 3) and reassess how you feel?

[kristencarder]

i'm so glad that you asked these questions, kkahn! i've had a similar experience with my 13-month-old, and was just crying to my dh last night about wanting more kids, but being afraid i won't be able to handle them!! i'm super interested to hear what others have to say!

[Fuamami]

Yes, it is straight up chaos with a 2 year old and a baby.

However, the payoff really comes in a couple of years. My kids play together all day long. Seriously, I rarely have to entertain them. We'll read a book or play a board game together, and then they're off, playing all sorts of great elaborate games they've made up. It's awesome, IMO.

[ledzepplon]

Originally Posted by Fuamami

Yes, it is straight up chaos with a 2 year old and a baby.

However, the payoff really comes in a couple of years. My kids play together all day long. Seriously, I rarely have to entertain them. We'll read a book or play a board game together, and then they're off, playing all sorts of great elaborate games they've made up. It's awesome, IMO.

Yes! There is definitely more mess than one person can handle with 2+ kids, but I LOVE that my kids are close in age and play together so much. I have three now, and I would definitely say that the hardest transition was going from 0 kids to 1.

[kkhan]

Originally Posted by NYCVeg

What's the rush to decide? Your LO is still a baby. If you're feeling uncertain, why not wait 6 months (or a year, or 2, or 3) and reassess how you feel?

I agree. I am just working on "career" goals (career seems like the wrong word) that have some by-when dates. Plus, it takes me and my spouse forever to make decisions (our son barely got a name as if 9 months wasn't long enough to agree on one). Anyway, we just started talking about it and I told him I'd ask all you fabulous mothering mommies. Reassessment from time to time is definitely a healthy way to go about it as is being open to changing our minds after we think we've made a decision!

[Kirsten]

I think a lot of it depends on 1) how far you space them, and 2) how involved/supportive your dp is.

I'd space three years apart minimum, and ideally four. This is SO much easier for YOU!

I'd expect and allow (some moms don't) your dp to hold baby, change baby, bathe baby, soothe baby, take care of baby alone - from the beginning. This is - in my opinion - a great gift to the child AND a big help to you!

To me, siblings are a given - hard or not. But I do think you can set it up to be easier on yourself.

[moaningminny]

My two girls are 23 months apart, and I'm not going to lie, the first year was really tough for me. I did have PPD with my first, but not my second, so I didn't have that to deal with second time around.

My first was a 31-weeker who ended up with severe colic. I barely left the house for a period of about four months.There were definitely times where I thought that I would be happy with just one, since I really didn't think I could go through a traumatic birth and the possibility of having another preemie.

It is chaotic, and I too doubted myself but it truly is a lot of fun. I love how well they play together- they're the best of friends. They're into the same kind of toys, which is also nice.

The age gap between our girls couldn't have worked out more perfect. We love it, and I'm really glad we did it the way we did.

As others said, your child is still young and you have plenty of time to decide. You'll know when/if the time is right - just know that I'm sure most parents have doubted their ability when it comes to adding another child to the mix.

[Conifer]

My ds was very exhausting. He was a very happy baby as long as you attended to his every need and want (which I did). He was also an extremely wild toddler...and preschooler. I wanted another child, but honestly this little boy was a handful We had our dd 4 years and 6 days after ds and I have to say...it was much easier than I expected. I really thought "how on earth will I be able to do this!" but my mom said "You just DO. For some reason things always fall into place" and mom was right. It has been so awesome having my 2 kids. They are far enough apart that they don't compete for attention and they still play together really well.

[amis2girls]

Do not underestimate the value of a support system. DH, grandparents, your personal friends you can call when you're stressed and need someone to talk to.

The baby/infant stage was hard for me, but now they get along exceptionally well together.

[orangefoot]

It took me almost three years to feel that I could manage being pregnant again and we have two pairs of children spaced by the same 3 years and 8 months.

At 13 months too many things are still new and you are still a way off getting any good restorative sleep. Wait and see how you feel in a year or so and also remember that the longer you are a parent the better you will feel about your parenting.

[savannah smiles]

Originally Posted by Kirsten

I think a lot of it depends on 1) how far you space them, and 2) how involved/supportive your dp is.

I'd space three years apart minimum, and ideally four. This is SO much easier for YOU!

I'd expect and allow (some moms don't) your dp to hold baby, change baby, bathe baby, soothe baby, take care of baby alone - from the beginning. This is - in my opinion - a great gift to the child AND a big help to you!

To me, siblings are a given - hard or not. But I do think you can set it up to be easier on yourself.

ITA w/ Kirsten! My first really threw me for a loop. She was a hard infant and it was hard on our marriage and just hard all the way around. I wanted another baby but knew, logically, that I wasn't ready. We waited until dd1 was 3 before we started TTC and by the time we had dd2, there was a 4.25 year difference between them. I can honestly say that adding dd2 to our lives was (and is) so easy. They get along well and play together and are very loving with one another which makes life in our house very happy! My advice would be, "When in doubt, don't." But that's just what's worked for me.

[Girlprof]

When DS was 13 months old, I could hardly think about another baby. He was terribly high needs and I think I had some PPD too. It was really really tough. By the time he was 2 years, we were ready to think about TTC. We had 2 losses so our DD was born just after DS turned 4. Well, what a difference! The first month after she was born was perhaps the happiest of my life. She's SO much easier. Makes us laugh to think that some folks get babies like that the first time around and then complain?

The 4 year spacing has worked out really well for us. Sometimes I do wish they were closer together in age, but life has been quite manageable even with the second baby. Really, our first "baby" still gives us more trouble than she does!

If you're still feeling a bit shaky at 13 months, I'd just wait. Things get a lot easier.

[_betsy_]

My girls are 27 months apart.

DD1 was is a difficult child. Alert and intense from the moment she was born. No, strike that, since in the womb (She once kicked me so hard, hen I was 7 months PG with her, that I literally almost fell out of my chair at work). She's a high needs/spirited/intense/active intellignt child who, as my husband is fond of saying, was put on this earth to push my buttons. We butt heads. A lot.

DD2, now 6 months old, is Miss Mellow. Easy peasy. She's pretty much "along for the ride." Thinks her big sis is the bee's knees. Is a much easier baby, a much easier sleeper (though in part, this is because DD1 has never been "easy" about anything, so DD2 is probably an average needs baby with average sleep habits, but she SEEMS so easy to us because of what we went through with DD1). Pop her in a sling and she goes wherever we go, off on an adventure to keep DD1 busy.

DD1 is still just a baby herself at 33 months. But, she's always going to be who she is (which I love! She's still draining and exhausting on her rough days, though!), she's not going to magically become and easy-going, mellow child at age fill-in-the-blank. And we're not getting any younger.

[bubbamummy]

Im glad you asked this, my DS is 16 months and we've been talking about baby #2. DS was a VERY easy baby, he would literally go days without crying. He was really chilled. He has morphed into a pretty demanding, VERY active toddler who loves nothing more than being the center of attention where ever we go. He has no desire to stay near mommy and would happily just..well...run away So im torn, Im worried I will get 'payback' for the easy birth and easy babyhood of DS and im also concerned about how I would cope with looking after an active toddler while having hideous morning sickness (I was very sick with DS). We are going to wait a couple more months before TTC.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by NYCVeg

What's the rush to decide? Your LO is still a baby. If you're feeling uncertain, why not wait 6 months (or a year, or 2, or 3) and reassess how you feel?

:


My kids are 5 years apart. They have a sibling but I got a "break" in-between.

[Peony]

DD1 was a huge challenge at that age, honestly at age 6.5, nothing has changed. If DH would of mentioned another child at 13m, I think I would of run away screaming. Needless to say, there is almost 4y between DD1 and DD2, and thank goodness. The second time was not easier, the first year was worse actually. DD2 ended up having health issues after her birth, until she was 7m old, I pretty much just ignored DD1. I never in a billion years thought our life would be like that but it was.


I had a lapse in sanity right before DD2 was 2 and decided to TTC #3. : DD2 and DS are exactly 2.5y apart, and yes it is utter chaos. I MUCH prefer having a wider spacing. It is doable of course but I think it would of been better on everyone had we waited and DS is a very mellow baby.

[spmamma]

I'm pregnant with #2, so I don't know exactly what's coming...

But I can tell you that your LO's personality will likely play a huge role in how stressed out you are. DD was a high needs babe... there was no way I would have been ready for #2 when she was under 18 MO. Now? I think she's pretty ready to be a big sister.

I'm pretty prepared for the fact that I may have another high needs babe. I know it will be tough, but I've been there already so I have a lot of experience to draw on. The benefit of having #2 (IMHO) is that you already have a sense for your limitations and strengths so you know what you have to work with.

[anyalily]

Hmm, this is all very interesting! I have a DD who just turned one yesterday! : She is just getting into a really fun stage.

I feel like she would be a great big sister but it would also be hard on her to have a new baby until she is old enough to understand what's going on...

On the other hand I love the idea of them being close in age. And throw into the mix that Dh wants to be done with babies soon (not that he doesn't love babies but he doesn't want kids in the house in his 60s...)

So do I have an only so that she has more of my attention, or do I have a second sooner and possibly a third, or a second later and not a third?

I have this feeling that one of these days I will be filled with an intense longing to have another baby. I am waiting for that.

[mommysarah5]

It's really hard to say what it will be like for you, but for me, having two was not too much to handle. If you decide you want to have two, you will be able to handle it, that much I know