Please help me!!!

[Mommaloves]

I am pretty new around here. I've lurked for quite awhile and recently become a 'member'.

Anyway, I have a 32 month old daughter. She was born weighing 2 1/2lbs at 30 weeks. She stayed in the NICU for 2 months had an abdominal surgery, came home on oxygen...but it perfectly healthy now. She is developmentally on target and exceeds most milestones. She is a true miracle. She is smart, spirited, loving, sweet, fiesty, determined and I LOVE her for all of those things. However, I am not the mom I want to be to her. I feel guilty because sometimes...she seriously drives me crazy. I know that's normal and she's probably better behaved than quite a few her age, but it makes me short with her and I hate it.

I want to be a gentle mom. We cosleep, BF but not into toddlerhood, I am a sahm....dh is a physician(I hesitate to post that because I know many her are anti MD) so he sometimes has long hours. We get out, go to the gym, swimming, park etc. We have play dates but don't have alot of kids in our neighborhood, so they're all planned. That's fine but we can't just go out and play with other kids at random. We're building a new house that will be done in October and will have several children her age in our circle - yay!

So, where do I start? I've spanked her 3 times, not hard, but I felt bad. She does go to timeout if she doesn't listen repeatedly and it seems to work well for her. Help me be a loving and gentle mommy.

[SallyN]

Welcome!

Have you read any Dr. Sears? His books and website are a great introduction to finding AP tools. www.askdrsears.com

Really, that's where I'd start.

(And, I hear you on the spanking thing. From parenting my high-needs/spirited DD1, I've learned to identify two types of spanking. There's the controlled "disciplinary" spanking, and there's the "emotional/anger" spanking. I've had moments of weakness - you'll find you're not alone. Kudos to you for identifying that you don't feel that's a "right" or "good" tool for you and for coming to find alternatives. For me, when I feel myself approaching that point... I do a mommy time-out. Or, if DD1 is cooperative, I'll actually pull her close and repeat to her that I love her. If I'm hugging her, my hands aren't free to react with a slap. And if I'm hugging her, she's also less likely to be hitting me. If that doesn't work, I do leave the room for a minute or two. Her crying alone for a few minutes is less bad than me losing it at her. And for the times I do... I apologize. I let her see that I am sorry for losing my patience and for doing something that we teach is not a "good" thing to do. This helps heal our relationship, and also teaches her that we're all human, we make mistakes, and shows her how we can heal after we make mistakes.)

[storylady]

I second the suggestion to read Dr. Sears. The Baby Book has a great chapter on AP and the website helps too. I would also recommend Playful Parenting. It has been very helpful in guiding my decisions in the heat of the moment from anger to silliness. We end up in fits of giggles instead of tears. Don't get me wrong, the anger still gets the better of me from time to time, but Playful Parenting has given me some useful tools to work with. Good luck to you, Mamma and good for you for seeking advice!!!!

[mom2grrls]

I think what helps is to read up on what is developmentally appropriate for her age. It helps change the view of misbehavior/defiance/not listening into "that's normal and expected". Once you've read up on that I would recommend Kids Are Worth It by Barbara Coloroso as a starting point for moving toward GD. Playful Parenting is also good as is Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey.

[Mommaloves]

Thanks for the book recs. I have read some Dr Sears... I'll have to look for those specific chapters/books.

[Eco_Ma]

Naomi Aldort is fantastic!!
I also recommend Alice Millers "Banshed Knowledge" That book was a life changing read for me. It made me understand why I reacted to situations in my life. i cannot praise that lady enough for the fantastic work she does.

Happy reading:

[foreverinbluejeans]

My oldest was born in 1979. Dr. Sears wasn't famous yet. Mothering Magazine had a hippie look. I found the book Without Spanking or Spoiling by Elizabeth Crary. It changed my life. It is still a great book and is available in 2nd edition.

Elizabeth Crary now has something called STAR parenting and a book called Love and Limits that is good. You can read more about STAR parenting online.

[BellaClaudia]

Oh you have been through so much! so happy to hear
that you have such a beutiful and smart child who
endured so much.

I think that you are on good track even worrying about
being good.. that is what separates you from people
who just parent on auto pilots.

I would also recommend dr. sears, I did also read natural
child project. the article link on the top has tons of help
and things that changed my mind on many issues and helped
me to get on track to who I wanted to be .. a gentle, loving
and understanding parent...

http://www.naturalchild.org/

Other then that I subscribed to Mothering magazine since I
was a member of a forum for so long and I felt that it somehow
helped me to feel more in tune with the people who wanted
to do the same. Just like this forum... it was natural extension for me.
I saw one issue at the local healthfood store and I bought one
to evaluate and I realized that all other parenting magazines
only purpose was to feature ads of diapering firms and
support very anti child ideas... that promoted
easy parenting with very strange outcome.