DH says "BAD!" to DD

[MamaRuga]

DH and I are starting to hit some bumps in our parenting road together. DD (17 m.o.) tossed her food bowl on the floor at dinner last night. I take that to mean the she is done and immediately get her out of her seat and she is not allowed any more food. No yelling, no drama, just "I guess you are done eating now". DH, on the other hand, reacts in a more upset way and starts saying, "That is BAD!"

This pushes MAJOR buttons for me!!! First, as an adult I have a hard time distinguishing between my actions being "bad" and me as a person being "bad" when someone criticizes something I've done. I can't see how a child would be able to understand the difference! Second, there is no attempt at understanding what the reason is behind the behavior. DD can't talk yet so her actions are the only way to express herself. I don't want her to believe that trying to communicate a need is BAD or that her attempt to explore and understand her world is BAD... but still set boundaries.

On the other hand, my husband really feels that it is important to let her know when something is not acceptable and that it should be in simple words (he likes "bad" for this reason). There are some things that we really do not want her doing (pulling on the cat, kicking her dad when he is trying to read her bedtime stories, etc). I am taking the approach of patiently redirecting her, removing her from the situation, or trying to find a natural consequence (like, if you kick daddy while he is reading to you he will leave now). But she keeps doing the same behavior day after day and DH really thinks that she needs stronger discipline.

So, it lead to a big fight for us and I felt very unequipped to support my approach... other than saying that I'm the one that does all of the parenting reading and research and what I read is that my way is better (not a very helpful thing to say to win him over, is it?).

So, I need some help here! Is there a way that we can make clear to DD that her action was not acceptable to us (which will meet my DH needs)? And is there a way to help him understand that it is important to see beyond DD action to what it is she is trying to say/learn/explore? I feel right now that I've been presenting myself as the parenting "authority" since I am the one who is more focused on child-rearing right now. But I really want to win DH over so we are really a team rather than make him submit to what I think is best.

[elizawill]

my husband and i parent differently as well. we are both GD, just at different ends of the spectrum. in your case, i'd talk to your husband when your child isn't there. try to keep from "correcting" him, but rather explain to him what you just said here in regard to the word "bad" & your thoughts regarding it (distinguishing between the action and the person, etc). i think expressing your feelings, while respecting his will be key to seeing future change in his parenting style. we all make mistakes as parents, so try to help him find a better way without saying it must be your way, ykwim? if your dh wants to correct your dd verbally - i'd help him find ways to express his feelings in a more appropriate way. for example, if your child throws her cup across the room, perhaps he could say? "that is not acceptable. please do not throw your cup. if you are done, tell daddy & i will help you out, etc."...i think that would be a fair compromise. my husband and i have a sort of rule that we don't parent over one another (unless one of us is becoming upset of course - then we help). if he does something that grates my nerves, i wait until we're alone to discuss it. using this approach usually results in a positive reaction from my dh & we very rarely argue about parenting styles. i'm sorry you all are dealing with this. i agree that using the word "bad" with a child isn't okay. i hope you are successful in working this out. hugs.

[isabchi]

We switched Bad for Dangerous, plus the explanation on in.

[sept15lija]

I agree with you I don't like the use of the word "bad" either. My mom told my DS he was a bad boy for the first time on Sunday and I was quick to tell her we never say that, we explain his actions are unacceptable (he threw a cookie on the floor) but he is not bad. She understood and respects how I feel about it.

I agree with a pp, my DS is 17 months old and you can make it clear their actions are not acceptable without the use of bad...my son also always throws his dinner on the floor when he is done, I've been telling him every time "we don't throw our bowl/plate/fork on the floor, tell mommy or daddy you are all done instead" (he knows the "all done" sign). Instead, lately, he will hand the bowl to me instead of throwing it on the floor, mind you if I miss the window of opportunity, down it goes! lol I hope your husband can understand and see the value in not using the label "bad" with a child. Even if you're not calling the child themselves bad, I still don't even like the use of the word honestly.

[MamaRuga]

I'm curious, if you all use "inappropriate" or "not acceptable" do you think that it is a concept your LO understands? I would prefer these words to "bad" but DH really thinks that the other words are too abstract.... like I remember being little and adults saying "thank you for being COOPERATIVE" and having no real understanding of what that meant.

For the most part I try to say what we CAN do (you can pat the kitty gently, you can hand me your bowl if you are done) but DH would really like to be more direct about the behavior that we don't want.

[elizawill]

eh. i have always spoken to my children with the same vocabulary i use with adults. sure, they may not understand all o the words at age one, but in my experience, they did get the gist of my main point (i.e. don't throw the bowl). they have excellent verbal & communication skills now, so i have no regrets. if you want to tweak the vocabulary to better suit your dd, i think you can still find many words outside of "bad" to communicate your wishes. ykwim?

[octobermom]

My DH finially stopped the thats bad when our then toddler would walk around going baaga baaga to her self which we finially figured out meant bad girl bad girl.. While DH never said SHE was bad a toddler understanding its her action not HER is way to obstract. SHes just assumed it must be her that was bad .
On the issue of the food tossing.. We had to take that a bit further. Tossinga plate did signal the end but DD also learned to use plate tossing to let us KNOW she was done. (DD was a late talker and is apraxic) so we did teach her she could push her plate bowl to the "edge" and to sign all done instead.

Deanna

[octobermom]

Ohh and when things did get dropped we addressed the tossing it self. Ohh oh no plate on floor plate stays on table... Shes might not have understood all those words but in time they did make sense and the focus was always plate flinging to the floor and plate needs to stay on table rather than YOU can't do this YOU are wrong YOU are bad to LET this happen...

Deanna

[Quinalla]

Originally Posted by octobermom

Ohh and when things did get dropped we addressed the tossing it self. Ohh oh no plate on floor plate stays on table...

I think something like this might be a good compromise for your DH. It still gets the message across of "No throwing food/dishes", but without a loaded value-judgment like "bad". Maybe just saying "No throwing food, push the dish away if you are done." might work as well? Or just "No throwing food." to keep it simple?

[sewcool]

we just say that is not ok or say if you do that again your showing me your all done

[MamaRuga]

Thanks for the thoughts. They are helpful. The funny thing is that she has never thrown her bowl before and last night she just handed it to me. So throwing food isn't so much the issue as the "bad" label of it... especially since it was the one and only time it had happened. But I don't want to undermine my DH either. I just think using the word "bad" is bad (I say laughing at myself).

[CrunchyMamaToBe]

All the other parents we know use the word "naughty!" with their kids, which drives me bonkers. I think it's really hard for kids to separate actions from themselves, and if toddlers are being scolded with "Bad!" or "Naughty!" they have a hard time understanding that they are not bad, but their actions were "bad." And using the same word for so many different situations is sure to cause confusion.

We use "not safe!" or "not for children!" or, in the case of food at the table, "Bowls stay on the table." We try to explain what's acceptable and what's not with "we" statements. "We keep our bowls on the table." Also, 17 months is probably not too young to encourage your daughter to help clean up - if she throws her food on the floor, you can have her help you pick up the mess.

Of course, this can backfire... My DS went through a phase where he would deliberately spill drinks or scatter flour (when we were baking) on the floor, and then say "Use sponge!" or "Sweep!"

[holothuroidea]

I think I get where your DH is coming from, but I agree with you entirely. Bad is such a vague word, very subjective. Just because it's short doesn't mean it's not abstract!

I would just tell it like it is. Say, "That's messy," and obviously show whatever emotion you are feeling about the mess, annoyed, sad, frustrated... Use exaggerated facial expressions and body language.

[BellaClaudia]

we seetled for "that is not good" :

so problem solved.. it is not bed yet.. it is not good either.

as to "not acceptable".. as some of the previous posters..

I don't think that that cuts the mustard either for me.

i was watching this nanny show on tv and then one day I hard
a mother reprimending her kiddo that looked to me for like..
maybe 2 year old or so using ..
that is unacceptable!!!

my daughter was there and she was maybe 3.5 at the time so
I decided to run it through her as funny experiment

she did something naughty and I said
but that is unacceptable!

and a second later I asked her
dear.. do you know what menas unacceptable?

and she sai to me something hilarous..

yeah. it means that no acting at the table.
but mama there is no table here anyways so
what do you want me to do? :

so much for the tone of voice..

it might be good but since we are using tone of voice
to actually discipline not the meaning of the word
so we could use really any world at all

lets say this is not a red patato! or

this is not gumugutable!

instead of unaccaptable..

I don't know after all there are wrods that do mean things
just the same as voice so I guess what is really the difference
since we eventually ending with taking something and making it
sound like "bad" anyways. or at leas we mean to

express our dissaproval so.. be it voice or word..

it is all academic eventually.

[Spirit Dancer]

I am more lax then some but I really do not think it is a big deal. While I would not use the word "bad" myself I try to give my DH some space and respect to parent as he sees fit. If I criticize my DH on his discipline techniques he ends up pulling back and not interacting with the children as much.

AS long as your DH is gentle and kind, minor differences in parenting are fine. Like I would not say "It is bad to throw food" but my DH would. ANd know what my children are fine ON the other hand I would talk to him if he like got in my dd's face and said "You are a BAD girl! Bad!" But that is mean and shaming. My DH is a good dad and I trust him with my children even if I would not always do things like he does. But we do talk things over if one of us in not comfortable with something.

BTW, instead of bad I sometime say "That was not acceptable". SO now my 3 yo ds likes to tell me "That is NOT asseptable!!" if I do something he does not like.