help with mealtime battles!

[Liam's Mum]

I’m really not sure how I got here, posting about mealtime battles! DS1 (almost 5) has always been a “good” eater, both in terms of willingness to try things, variety of foods he liked, and amt. While other people’s kids were eating KD and hot dogs and McD's, we’d congratulate ourselves for never introducing these things, and watching our child eat sushi and butter chicken. His favourite foods are steak, salmon, scallops,olives…And yet for the last year he’s becoming increasingly picky. I can’t count on him liking a food from one day to the next. And while I’ve always believed (heck, I’ve told other parents!) that our job is to provide them with healthy food, it is up to them what and how much goes in, I’m increasingly frustrated. I think I would be less so if he’d never liked certain things, had always been a picky eater – seeing him reject things that have been favourites for years is maddening! And it’s not like I make him things I know he won’t like, and it’s not like I haven’t tried alternatives in case it’s just boredom – he won’t eat many of my staple dishes, and won’t try new things I make. To top it off, he’s rude about it, and that makes me angry (e.g. he’ll tell me I make the most horrible dinners – this is NOT behavior he’s seen modeled in our home!)

So instead of just staying calm, and saying that’s fine, you can have an apple instead, I tell him he has to eat such and such, I KNOW he likes it (of course he doesn’t eat it anyway, and I know better than to get into such battles!) He’s always gone grocery shopping with us, so he has every opportunity to pick out things he likes. I will sometimes give him a choice between two meals, make what he picks, only to have him say he now wants the other option (he doesn’t get it, I’ll give him other food, but I won’t make another complete meal). He says he would eat steak every day, and that’s not happening (besides, he’d likely declare he hates steak a few days in!) He’s not a snacker, so it’s not even a case of him grazing all day long and not being hungry for dinner, which I’d be fine with assuming it was healthy – he often goes from noon to six without eating, only to reject his dinner too. He drinks mainly water (his preference), so again, not filling up with liquids!

From what I understand, this is a tricky age overall, but if it’s a phase, it’s a looonnggg one I’m apparently not dealing with well (there are other issues, I posted about them a while back in GD, mainly to do with overall rudeness, but this is the thing that is making most crazy.)

Anyone have a good eater that became a picky eater that went back to being a good eater that can reassure me? Tips to remain calm? Reassurance that he’ll remain healthy when currently there are only one or two vegetables he’ll eat, and even they are iffy?

[spmamma]

I don't have a little one at that age, but would it help if he helped you prepare the meals? I've heard that sometimes kids are more likely to eat what you fix for dinner if they play a role in preparing the food.

My DD has always been a very picky eater. At 2 YO, she's just now starting to expand her horizons a little bit. For the last year, she refused to even touch most foods (as in, wouldn't even pick them up or try them!).

Finally, I decided that at dinnertime I'd simply place food in front of her and if she was hungry she'd eat it. If not, then that's okay too. This helps keep me from going crazy with concern and frustration. I don't offer alternatives, but will provide her with a very light healthy snack an hour or so later if she's hungry.

Lunchtime and breakfast seem to be much easier at this point because I don't really introduce much variety into those meals.

Best of luck to you!

[Liam's Mum]

Thanks. I have tried that, and he did used to help me a bit when he was younger (putting toppings on pizza etc.) but now he has little to no interest Also, because I WOH f/t I am trying as much as I can to prepare meals ahead, the night before, after they are in bed I even got a crock pot, which I love -- surprise, surprise, he doesn't care for anything that comes out of it :P The whole point was so I could just come home and spend time with them and not be cooking (my little one is the type that would climb the stove if he was "helping").

Yeah, he tends to eat the same things for breakfast and lunch, and we go with that because at least he eats. At dinner though, *I* don't want the same thing over and over again (though we're pretty close to it, I'm not the most creative cook, nor do I have a lot of time!)

[Evergreen]

I'm raising my hand! My six and a half year old started getting really picky at about four years old. If she could live off bread and chicken nuggets she would. I was like you- I loved watching her eat sushi, veggies, salmon... Salmon was her favorite food. This year for mother's day I got a poster she made detailing how she hates it when I feed her...yep...salmon. I loved not introducing her to junky foods, but once she became aware of them she only wanted to eat them. Basically I put food on her plate. I don't serve three things she hates- usually , like your son who knows what she is going to decide to hate from one day to the next. I make sure at least one of the side dishes is something she'll eat- rice, chicken or carrots.

If she doesn't like what I fix she can get fruit or make herself a sandwich. She can make peanut butter and jelly or grilled cheese without any assistance from me; she hates all other sandwiches. If she makes her own food she is responsible for cleaning up the entire mess including cleaning the grilled cheese pan. I am not a short order cook or scullery maid. If I know she likes it or believe she will like it as will most new foods I have her take a "no thank you bite" if she balks completely I don't force it- especially with new foods. Most of the time she will take a small bite make a face and be fine- no gagging, choking or anything. She's coming around. She'll try or retry foods and become acclimated to them but it's been about three years since she really ate well. I know it's tough- and it will frustrate you and hurt your feelings but it is normal and there will be so many battles this really isn't worth it.

[Alyantavid]

My 7 year old goes in spurts. He'll love something and want to eat it all week long. The next week, he doesn't like it anymore. I guess I assume kids are like me and don't always feel like eating something even if its something that's normally liked.

I would put an end to the rude comments though. My kids know they don't have to eat what's given to them. But they can not tell me its disgusting or gross or whatever. Even if they don't like it, I've worked hard to make that meal. We also do two bites of everything and then its up to them whether they like it or want to eat it.

[Evergreen]

Originally Posted by Alyantavid

I would put an end to the rude comments though. My kids know they don't have to eat what's given to them. But they can not tell me its disgusting or gross or whatever. Even if they don't like it, I've worked hard to make that meal.

I forgot about this. It took me blowing up at her to realize that this was the crux of our problem. When I apologized for yelling (and throwing a shrimp at the dining room window) and explained my feelings she hasn't done it since. In fact she sometimes goes out of her way to be polite when she is trying to tell me something is disgusting. "I know you worked really hard to prepare this and I can tell that you like it a lot buuuut...."

[Liam's Mum]

I had to laugh because I got a poster for Mother's Day that says "My mom and I like to eat sushi and chicken nuggets" -- he's only had chicken nuggets once and it wasn't with me!

I have told him it hurts my feelings when he talks like that, and in the past, he's been very sensitive to what others are feeling. Not so with this. I suspect it's the reverse, I need to show no reaction and maybe he'll stop trying to push that button. Though he did ever so sweetly tell me the other day that he was going to wish on a star that I'd be a better cook...

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by Liam's Mum

I had to laugh because I got a poster for Mother's Day that says "My mom and I like to eat sushi and chicken nuggets" -- he's only had chicken nuggets once and it wasn't with me!

I have told him it hurts my feelings when he talks like that, and in the past, he's been very sensitive to what others are feeling. Not so with this. I suspect it's the reverse, I need to show no reaction and maybe he'll stop trying to push that button. Though he did ever so sweetly tell me the other day that he was going to wish on a star that I'd be a better cook...

My mouth just hit the floor. There is no way I would tolerate that rudeness. There is NO reason for that.

In my house, what you get is what you get. I try to take into account everyone's dislikes and likes, but if you don't want to eat, there is no rudeness about it. You either get a PB&J or a piece of fruit and some cheese yourself or go hungry.

If there is a dish that they have tried and truly do not like, I will make an alternate. Example: I love to make burritos. Two of my children do not like them, so I also make some cheese quesadillas.

Now, before ya'll get out the flamethrower, I know that there is a difference between kids who have true medical issues with textures and allergies, etc.

However I am not a short order cook, I refuse to cook only one or two things all of the time, I refuse to be dictated to by a child, and we cannot afford to have endless amounts of food cooked at all times to satisfy everyone.

Part of living in a family and in a society is learning that you cannot always have your way.

[Evergreen]

I actually laughed at the wish on a star comment. It sounded childlike and innocent like he thought he was helping not intended to be rude. What's up with the Mother's Day posters???!!!???

Anyway, do you ever make your own chicken nuggets? Its super easy and friendly for everyone. I either coat in cornstarch then flour or chicken breader and pan fry in olive oil or bake with olive oil drizzled on them. I make lots of dipping sauces and fresh veggies with them that my 2.5 year old and I eat but the 6 year old sticks to ketchup.

Super spicy foods I tend to make a cooler portion for her (her little sis thinks spicier the better, though) or something totally exotic gets an alternative but for the most part if they don't eat it they fend for themselves. Like I said earlier dd1 has been cooking her own grilled cheeses since she was three.

[Liam's Mum]

Yes, the wish on a star comment was actually not rude in context, he was really very nice about it (other things he has said HAVE been rude though, in any context, and in the tone.)

I may have to get him making his own sandwiches (though he's never been a fan either, and I think is "off" grilled cheese these days). I did in fact make chicken very similar to that last night (just not in nugget form) that he loved two weeks ago but wasn't planning to eat last night (he did though, and enjoyed it, though he wasn't going to say so!)

Thanks all. I really need to keep my own reaction in check I think, and point him to the apples if he doesn't like dinner. Tonight DH is going to make something that DS1 picked out (corn on the cob and bbq pork chops), so we'll see...

[Evergreen]

Sounds yum! Maybe if you don't make it a battle he won't either.

[IncaMama]

nak - when did you start working outside the home? this sounds to me like he's practicing with something he can control. you've clearly done a great job of showing him that it's his body, he chooses what goes in it, and now he's exerting that control. the reason i ask about your job is bc it may be in response to experiencing a family decision that was not in his control.

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by Liam's Mum

Yes, the wish on a star comment was actually not rude in context, he was really very nice about it (other things he has said HAVE been rude though, in any context, and in the tone.)

I may have to get him making his own sandwiches (though he's never been a fan either, and I think is "off" grilled cheese these days). I did in fact make chicken very similar to that last night (just not in nugget form) that he loved two weeks ago but wasn't planning to eat last night (he did though, and enjoyed it, though he wasn't going to say so!)

Thanks all. I really need to keep my own reaction in check I think, and point him to the apples if he doesn't like dinner. Tonight DH is going to make something that DS1 picked out (corn on the cob and bbq pork chops), so we'll see...

Sorry. Sometimes the written word does not convey the tone and inflection that spoken words do. I misunderstood.

[purplemoon]

Oh, my son switched from eat everything to not tolerating flavor. Literally thinks everything is too spicy. This is the kid who liked hot salsa. Oh, and liking something one day and not the next? Normal.

I just make food and if he eats it he eats it. If he doesn't he doesn't. I don't make it a battle and don't think about it. It has worked well (except apparently I need to make it a battle that he is a cleaner eater as in he still has it all over his face at this age).

Just don't worry about it.

[guestmama9972]

I have a 7 yo dd who is picky with a capital P. She used to be a good eater in terms of what she'd consume on a daily basis. Now she would be happy to eat Pirate's Booty and yogurt only.

I get so annoyed when I cook a meal and she refuses to eat. She's not nasty about it; she just won't eat.

I decided years ago not to make an issue of the amount of food eaten at a meal, but I do insist on quality food. If dd doesn't want what I cook for lunch, fine. But she is limited to what she is allowed to make for herself and it has to be something nutritious, like fruit, whole grain cereal, yogurt, a boiled egg.

What has worked for us is for me to calm down, not take it personally, and not to make an issue of it. Right now dd calls herself "picky" and she is proud of it. I ignore that irritating reference and just let it ride.