Saying Please and Thankyou

[evenstarlight]

Just have a question about this.
My daughter is two and a half and as she's become more verbal I've taught her "please" and "thankyou" as I just figured they are nice words to learn.
She will often come in demanding something and i'll just say "what do you say??" (with a smile) and she'll then get really cute and repeat the request with a please in front of it. I haven't thought too much of it but then I've noticed that some of my fellow AP/LLL/GD type friends don't seem to do this.

As I have not read or studied extensively on GD, I'm wondering if this is part of it. I don't have stand offs and freak out if DD is overtired and refuses to say it (which rarely happens) I just thought it'd be a nice thing to incorperate into her vocabulary. But perhaps she isn't really learning gracious manners, she's just learning to say a word that makes mommy happier to give her what she wants. I know in GD that it's more about instilling values than churning out "good behaviour" so i'm wondering if I'm just programing a sort of robotic response and not instilling the true value of good manners????

I just noticed that I seem to be the only one who asks their child to say please when asking me for something. I think it's really sweet actually.....and it does sort of soften the atmosphere for me when I'm feeling a bit grumpy.

[Furrow]

I think "please" and "thank you" are very important, and we often remind our 20 month old to use them. And more importantly, we use them ourselves when speaking to her and eachother. I'm sure she doesn't know what it's all about, but she does know that it makes us happy and more likely to give her what she wants. I can see that as trouble in the future -- when she expects to get what she wants just because she uses the "magic" words.

I will be interested to hear what others say from a more studied approach, but I think I will continue encouraging her to say please and thank you. I was not encouraged to do this as a young child, and I actually felt quite awkward about it when I came of an age when it really became necessary and expected to use polite phrases.

[elizawill]

my kids don't have to say "please" and "thank you" to get something, but i do expect a polite tone ( ...not MOM I'M THIRSTY!). when we are guests in someone else's home though, i do have a higher standard of please & thank-you. i certainly wouldn't make a big deal out of it or anything, but my kids know my preference & are old enough to understand basic courtesies. i hate when parents hold a cookie above the kid's head saying, "what do you say?" what's the magic word?", etc. i think with young children, simply modeling the behavior is sufficient.

[Isamama]

I model for my dd: "Yes, please; No thank you." I don't normally say, "What do you say?" But occasionally I find that I say that when someone gives her something and she doesn't say anything. I try to remember just to model and say thank you myself. Just my preference style.

Everyone will have an opinion about everything. If you feel it is right in your family to teach your kids "please" and "thank you," then it is right in your family. Do you feel like you are doing something wrong? You stated that you think it is very sweet. Well, there you go.

[Sasharna]

Originally Posted by elizawill

my kids don't have to say "please" and "thank you" to get something, but i do expect a polite tone ( ...not MOM I'M THIRSTY!). when we are guests in someone else's home though, i do have a higher standard of please & thank-you. i certainly wouldn't make a big deal out of it or anything, but my kids know my preference & are old enough to understand basic courtesies. i hate when parents hold a cookie above the kid's head saying, "what do you say?" what's the magic word?", etc. i think with young children, simply modeling the behavior is sufficient.

I feel the same way, especially about tone.

Instead of enforcing "thank you" outside of the home, I just remind DS1 "Now would be a nice time to say thank you." I don't get all worked up if he doesn't do it. If he is gettting rude or demanding with relatives, I take him aside and remind him that the people around him are happier when treated politely.

[Liam's Mum]

We've always modelled it by speaking to them that way from day one, so they kind of picked up on it naturally, my 20 mos old says please and thank you, usually unprompted. If they ask for something without saying please but very politely, I probably don't even notice, because tone of voice also means a lot (probably more -- as we're trying to teach our older DS who sometimes forgets his manners, and then seems to think if he growls please it makes it all OK...) We will also reinforce it by repeating the request back to them with a please or thank you if they've forgotten, and while I don't hold things over their heads until they say the magic word, if older DS is outright rude in asking for something (please or not) I will ask him to try again in a nicer voice, I'm not OK with him ordering me around.

[elizawill]

Originally Posted by Liam's Mum

while I don't hold things over their heads until they say the magic word, if older DS is outright rude in asking for something (please or not) I will ask him to try again in a nicer voice, I'm not OK with him ordering me around.

oh heck yea. i didn't mean to imply differently. if my kids bark orders at me, they need to re-phrase it for sure (often i'll just say "excuse me?" and they'll say it politely). my kids are definitely old enough to know how ask for something without being rude. i expect them to treat me with the same courtesy that i use with them.

[octobermom]

I model teach and "require" please and thankyou. This doesnt mean she always got it though there was a deffinate time shes said it cause Mommy did.. parroting basically there was the time shes assumed they were magic words soo adding please to.. Mommy may I eat twinkies for dinner made the request no longer a question but an assumption that all would be granted... .. We still kept we talked about what these words meant why we use them countinued modeling teaching and "requiring" I'm happy to say now shes freely says them (sometimes not but its unussual) and she say them for what they mean not as an automatic response not to gain favor or get a prize ect..

Deanna

[kiwiva]

DD is 2.5. We don't force her to say please and thank you but when she doesn't usually I will repeat the request "you want more water, please?" But I do that while giving it to her. I generally don't do that very annoying thing her grandparents have always done with kids, probably including me growing up: "what do you say?" and refusing to do whatever until they hear it. I just find that annoying, especially from my father who is often rude himself!

If she is whining or demanding (even if she says please) then I will ask her to repeat her request politely or say "is that how we ask for things?" or something along those lines.

I will remind her to thank others, where appropriate if it's someone she knows well, but if it is another child or adult she doesn't know or whatever I will thank them for her.

Mostly we go with modeling. DH and I try to use it with each other and DD (we forget sometimes too).

[RollerCoasterMama]

We like manners. We've taught them mostly by modeling, but also showing DS that they can smooth the way. When he was little, he sometimes got something he might not have by signing please. Nothing outrageous, but enough to show him that Please can grease the wheel. :P Now I don't remind him very often...just when he's marching up and demanding something. I can usually just sign please and he adjusts his tone to more of a questoin.

So at 2-1/2, he does Please, Thank you, You're Welcome, Sorry, Excuse Me, and May I Be Excused Please?...all spontaneously and in context. And he is the MANNERS police in the house! He holds us to a very polite standard!!!

But...I don't believe he would have taken to them quite as well if they weren't being used around him frequently. We use them TO him and AROUND him with each other. Otherwise it would seem so arbitrary if only he had to say things!!

[OGirlieMama]

We've modeled "please" and "thank you" and the first times I heard it start coming back to me (around 2.5 years) I was so tickled I nearly fell over! I don't require them to say it but if they come to me with a demanding or whiny or rude tone, I usually ask them if that's the nicest way they can ask, but I don't make my response conditional. Most of the time they come back and ask politely.

They almost always say "thank you" to us and to each other when they are given something. We've never forced that issue, but they do it anyway. I notice they don't do it as much with people outside our family, because they are a little shy and overwhelmed, usually. I'll thank the person for them, or maybe maybe maybe if I know the person is really hung up on the "thank you" (older folks, usually) sometimes I'll unobtrusively whisper "so-and-so would probably like a 'thank you'" and then usually they'll offer it. But those cases are few and far between, and honestly I feel stupid about it - because I only do it when I feel like *I* am going to be judged for my child not saying "thank you" and that's a silly reason to make her do something.

[karemore]

I will ask DD "what's a nice way to ask?" if she demands something.

DH and I don't say please and thank you for every little interaction we have so I don't force DD to say it every single time either.

In public we model and coach ahead of time.

[Pernillep]

Originally Posted by karemore

I will ask DD "what's a nice way to ask?" if she demands something.

This is exactly what we do as well. How do you ask for it nicely? And he then gets real cute and says PLUEEZEE with a big grin on his face.

Thanks you has happend automatically. He started doing that on his own and we never have to remind him. Guess the modellng worked on that one

[sunshine1793]

We do the same as you. This isn't about teaching compassion or thankfulness or generosity, which are actions from the heart. It is just how to speak kindly and politely. I don't always correct her if the tone was kind, but always if she spoke sharply.

[kcstar]

"Thank you" was one of DS's first five words, because he saw it modelled.

At 22 months, we're still working on "please".

[momasana]

My DS is really great at saying "you're welcome". He doesn't always say "thank you" but he ALWAYS says "you're welcome" when giving something away. It's quite hilarious when he walks over, hands me a toy and says "your welcome" at the same time. We did not teach him this, he has learned from our modeling. He usually does not attach "please" to a request but answers questions with "yes, please". For example, if he wants water he usually justs say "water", to which I respond "Would you like a drink of water?" and he'll say "yes, please". I do not know if it will naturally progress into using the word please with the request. Either way, I think good manners are important. I often say please and thank-you as an automatic and robotic response, but that does not mean I am insincere.

[swd12422]

Originally Posted by momasana

My DS is really great at saying "you're welcome". He doesn't always say "thank you" but he ALWAYS says "you're welcome" when giving something away. It's quite hilarious when he walks over, hands me a toy and says "your welcome" at the same time. We did not teach him this, he has learned from our modeling.... Either way, I think good manners are important. I often say please and thank-you as an automatic and robotic response, but that does not mean I am insincere.

This is our house, too!
DS will sign PLEASE when he wants something (but not every time, without prompting) and NEVER says THANK YOU, but always says YOU'RE WELCOME. It's not about control, or discipline. It's about ways to be polite and show others you appreciate them.