I just don't get it.

[smeisnotapirate]

DS is 13 mo. This has been going on since his birth.

I'm exhausted, but he only wakes up once or twice a night where he usually sleeps from 11pm - 6am. I know I need more sleep than that, but I can't get it. He doesn't nap regularly, so I can't even count on a nap for the both of us to sleep together during the day. Oftentimes (like now), he'll wake up about 2 hours after going to sleep and I won't be able to get back to sleep (always had insomnia issues). Right now I've been awake since 1:45. Can't go back to sleep. I'll be a zombie tomorrow, but whatever. I'm a zombie already.

I work, but it's not a high-stress job, and it allows me to have DS with me, which is great. I'm always at least a week behind in my work, even over the summer when I have very few students. Just can't catch up. DS won't let me work because it's always HIM, HIM, HIM. G-d forbid I touch the computer while he's awake.

The house usually gets cleaned by me every week, but I still feel like a failure when it's messy. It's small enough that I don't have a problem cleaning it, but I HATE that I have to do it. Why can't it stay clean so that the ONLY day I have off work I can spend with my family instead of cleaning?

I don't do a lot of "extracurricular" stuff, and I know my diet and exercise are way below par. I have been TOTALLY unable to change that. I only have enough energy to either take care of DS during the day or me during the day. That's it. Period. We cannot afford to get a mother's helper and have no family in the area.

I'm always angry - at everything. I scream at the dog, at the baby, get irritated at the smallest things DH says. I find myself tasting vinegar every time someone says how wonderful and perfect DS is and how he's such an easy baby. I visualize punching them in the face.

I hate nursing. I resent the energy it sucks from me, I resent the fact that he's ALWAYS nursing, that if I wait just a second, he just whines and whines and whines until I scream and then quickly pop him on so that I don't do something worse to him.

I went to a counselor at about 7mo pp. She was put-together, had a picture of a beautiful baby in her office, and I hated her. She was totally non-judgemental and wonderful and sympathetic, but I hated her. I couldn't go back.

I resent everything that takes me out of the house and I resent staying in.

I hate babies. I hate, hate, hate this baby stage and I know it will get better. I'm dreading having #2 and #3 because oh lord, I have to do this for YEARS until they're old enough for me to enjoy. Of course, they'll be scarred by their screaming, always angry and resentful mother by that point, so who am I kidding?

I just spent the last hour on all the PPD resources on every thread I could get my hands on. The help line was offline, the links were dead... I found one e-mail address and e-mailed them, but...... only crazy people are up at 3:46am.

:

[rclaz]

Oh, my heart goes out to you!! I give you souch credit and courage for hanging in there as long as you have with everything. I felt the same way as you, and I couldn't handle it for three months let alone 13!!
I also found the lack of ppd support surprising and disappointing. So, here are my suggestions...

Call you ob, midwife and/or a doula to get actual names and numbers of real, live people. You need someone you can talk to that you really connect with. An alternative is to go ahead and tell the therapist you already went to why you left. Maybe it would go a long way in establishing a connection with her?

Can you hire a mother's helper and/or a cleaning lady? Even if it is just temporary? If it is a matter of money, someone once said to me, "can you afford not to?" just to give you some breathing room and a day off with your family.

As for sleep, we read and followed the baby whisperer's advice. There is one geared for toddlers as well as infants. I liked baby whisperer solves all your problems. Not really, but very helpful! She helps you identify napping ang night waking issues and how to address them in a gentle loving way. She says always respond, but respond appropriately. Listen first, assess what is going on and then respond. I never let my daughter cry it out, nor did I race in unless it was "that" cry. She was a horrible napper and sleeper until then. Everyone comments on how great she is, though! Can your partner and you switch off nights? I've heard to do it three days in a row, so each person is truly rested in between.

At 13 months, are you introducing solids or some sort of milk? Maybe it us time? At dc's age, although this opinion may not be popular, you really could start offering other things. Especially if you are feeling angry and resentful when breastfeeding. That is no good for either of you. I'd also start working dc away from suckling to soothe, outside of a truly traumatic situation. Help to divert soothing to an object like a blanky or singing or something other than breast.

Lastly, maybe it is time to start getting him used to some independant play. Not alone, of course, but you should be able to put dc on the floor or play own with a couple toys and dc remain occupied for 20 or do minutes.

This is not to encourage you away from any ap, or from any other ideals or comfort zones. You have to do what you feel is right. But it sounds like you NEED a change based on your post. If you are happier, you will be happier with dc and it will transform your relationship. For what it is worth, I felt traumatized by dd's babyhood, and I am pregnant again!!

[K-Mom3]

I'm so sorry you're so miserable. I've had some of those exeriences but not so many. Sounds like you need lots of hugs. There are so many red flags in your description of your life. Instead of waiting until he grows up and dreading years of misery with more small children, make some MAJOR changes in your life. Trying out medications (or supplements or light therapy or whatever) would be a good start. Treat your depression. I think it would be a really good idea to find another therapist. It is quite possible that you could find someone who is a better fit for you.

As for changing your situation--would you ever consider quitting your job? Trying to work while taking care of a demanding child sounds like hell to me. It is worth it to me to live on my husband's low income and not have to work. Or maybe you could pay a close friend to watch your son for a few hours a week so that you can get caught up at work? A lot of SAHMs would welcome the chance for a little extra cash and you could definitely use the break.

I would also consider weaning. I'm not saying it is necessarily the right thing to do, I'm just saying, evaluate your situation and think about if it would help you be a better mom, considering that you're bitter about it. Does your child eat well? Do you have positive, loving interactions with him aside from nursing? Do you think he relies on nursing to have that physical contact with you?

Dr. Karp suggests in Happiest Toddler on the Block to set aside 3 10-minute periods per day (set a timer) when you completely focus on your child, do what they want to do, give them positive attention and have fun together. This might help your child to not be so needy all the time. It may help you not be so angry at him, too. It's worth a try at least.

I want to stress that you're not alone! And that most of the moms on the ppd forum have found a way to treat their depression. Many wish they had done it sooner. It may take some research and some false starts to find the right thing but treat your depression!

[smeisnotapirate]

Thanks, both of you. Today was better. I talked to my doctor, who put me back on Lexapro (I was on it for about 6 weeks last time, and it seemed to help a bit just helping me regulate the anger), and I have an appointment with a psychiatrist for next week.

Unfortunately, quitting my job isn't an option. DH's job makes below the poverty level, and his job pays our small mortgage and mine puts food on the table. Part of me wishes I could quit, but I also know that it's the one thing I rely on that's just mine.

DS eats wonderfully and we do well when nursing, except at night. Maybe not weaning, because I'm not totally comfortable with that, but I would LOVE to nightwean. I know he's young for that, though, and it worries me.

Today, just with me being calmer and trying to release control of this whole situation by taking a "day off", DS took a 1.5 hour nap at 10am and is currently sleeping now. I think between talking to someone and medicating, I might be better.

Oh, and eating. I managed to eat a turkey sandwitch today, and DS was very sweet trying to shove animal crackers down my throat.

I'm trying to make progress - little by little.

[Maggirayne]

Oh my, there are days where E just drives me nuts. And now I have two babies.

Don't stop looking for help. Can you get a mother's helper for a couple hours a week? You teach some teens, do any have siblings who could come, or could one stay after for an hour?

And eating is good. I forget to eat and that is huge for me. I really have to watch myself for HALT--Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired--or else I am a bear.

And quite honestly, I would consider nightweaning. I was going nuts when E was about 18 months, older, granted, and pg about 10-12 weeks and could.not.stand it. So I started gently nightweaning. She did nightwean totally on her own when my milk dried up at 20 weeks.
Here's my thread about that:
http://mothering.com/discussions/sho....php?t=1000668

[Lynn08]

I just pm'ed you.

[Zenful]

Are you a sexual abuse survivor, by any chance? I ask because the way you describe how you feel sounds very similar to what I went through when my son was a baby...the strong urge to push him away when he's nursing, popping him on the breast so that I don't do something worse, the anger and resentment...it just really reminds me of what I went through, and I know that the sexual abuse I had experienced was a huge catalyst for much of what I felt (I figured this out after doing a lot of meditating and soul-searching). It also sounds similar to the experiences of other sexual abuse survivors who have young children...those who have been physically abused probably face similar challenges. Even if you don't consciously remember being abused (it's very common to block some or all of the memories out...I did for nearly two decades), the emotional effects can still come up, especially if there's a trigger (i.e. having a baby). If you'd like some help delving into this further then I'll try to help you find some resources...just let me know

[smeisnotapirate]

Originally Posted by Zenful

Are you a sexual abuse survivor, by any chance? I ask because the way you describe how you feel sounds very similar to what I went through when my son was a baby...the strong urge to push him away when he's nursing, popping him on the breast so that I don't do something worse, the anger and resentment...it just really reminds me of what I went through, and I know that the sexual abuse I had experienced was a huge catalyst for much of what I felt (I figured this out after doing a lot of meditating and soul-searching). It also sounds similar to the experiences of other sexual abuse survivors who have young children...those who have been physically abused probably face similar challenges. Even if you don't consciously remember being abused (it's very common to block some or all of the memories out...I did for nearly two decades), the emotional effects can still come up, especially if there's a trigger (i.e. having a baby). If you'd like some help delving into this further then I'll try to help you find some resources...just let me know

No, no sexual abuse that I can recall (b'H'). My mother was VERY verbally abusive, but I know it's not the same at all.




Tonight we're trying to see what happens if we put DS in the other room for the night. DH will get him if he cries, but he said that he's noticed that DS wakes up, looks for me, and THEN cries. The one night that I wasn't there (I was at a conference), he said DS woke up, saw I wasn't there, and went right back to sleep. Slept the whole night.

So we set him up in the other room on a comfy mattress with water and a couple toys. He can walk right into our room and get us if he needs us.

[circle vortex]

Hey, I am there with ya. I have a 13mo, I remember your birth(from online). I also have a 6yo dd who doesn't stop talking or annoying her brother and bothe of them scream all day long. I just want to leave. I go upand down. some days are good. We are also trying to relocate and sell our house. I was doing really good when i was doing yoga booty ballet videos.lol and another yoga video. Now i have no time and feel like crap.
I make us go for walk in the evening helps poop out dd. ds who is walking, I make sure he gets alot of exercise too.

I thought i wanted more than two but not sure if i can handle it. I give props to mothers of large families.

So, know your not alone.
try and think positive thoughts
much love to you

[smeisnotapirate]

Originally Posted by aminasmom

Hey, I am there with ya. I have a 13mo, I remember your birth(from online). I also have a 6yo dd who doesn't stop talking or annoying her brother and bothe of them scream all day long. I just want to leave. I go upand down. some days are good. We are also trying to relocate and sell our house. I was doing really good when i was doing yoga booty ballet videos.lol and another yoga video. Now i have no time and feel like crap.
I make us go for walk in the evening helps poop out dd. ds who is walking, I make sure he gets alot of exercise too.

I thought i wanted more than two but not sure if i can handle it. I give props to mothers of large families.

So, know your not alone.
try and think positive thoughts
much love to you

Thanks. We went for a short hike last night. DS did well, and actually slept in the other room for the whole night, DH went in at one point in the night and hung out with him, but otherwise we're really happy.

[Zenful]

Originally Posted by smeisnotapirate

No, no sexual abuse that I can recall (b'H'). My mother was VERY verbally abusive, but I know it's not the same at all.

I know what you're saying, and a part of me agrees...but I'm also inclined to say that abuse is very invasive, no matter what the form. I get the sense that you are perceiving your son as invasive, which is triggering the trauma from the verbal abuse. A lot of anger is created from feeling invaded (if not all of it) so that might be something you'd be interested in looking into. Also, the feeling of "wrongness" that comes from being invaded (especially by someone we trust) can greatly distort our reality. I get the sense there's some guilt inside of you that's waiting to be healed I hope this wasn't difficult to read...I have my own issues when it comes to feeling invaded, so I never know if I'm crossing over lines that don't want to be crossed...I apologize if I have.

[smeisnotapirate]

Originally Posted by Zenful

I know what you're saying, and a part of me agrees...but I'm also inclined to say that abuse is very invasive, no matter what the form. I get the sense that you are perceiving your son as invasive, which is triggering the trauma from the verbal abuse. A lot of anger is created from feeling invaded (if not all of it) so that might be something you'd be interested in looking into. Also, the feeling of "wrongness" that comes from being invaded (especially by someone we trust) can greatly distort our reality. I get the sense there's some guilt inside of you that's waiting to be healed I hope this wasn't difficult to read...I have my own issues when it comes to feeling invaded, so I never know if I'm crossing over lines that don't want to be crossed...I apologize if I have.

No, not at all. It's an interesting perspective, and one that I'm going to examine in myself as I go on with my relationship with DS. Thank you.

[Zenful]

Originally Posted by smeisnotapirate

No, not at all. It's an interesting perspective, and one that I'm going to examine in myself as I go on with my relationship with DS. Thank you.

You're welcome...I'm glad I could help Also, I was meditating today on feeling invaded and it occurred to me that there's a vicious cycle that typically occurs with this: you feel invaded for whatever reason, you pull away somehow, you want to run away but you can't because there's this underlying feeling of guilt that keeps you tied to the situation. You feel guilty for wanting to run, so you end up handing your power over, once your power is handed over the feeling of being invaded starts to rise again...and the cycle continues. It doesn't always go exactly like that, but I realized that is basically what happens. If we can figure out how to end the cycle once and for all then the problem is solved...I'm still working on that one myself