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July Dating Thread: Looking for Fireworks!! - Page 7

post #121 of 225
Leaving in 15 minutes....

It's not like there are zero sparks with this guy. He sort of 'checks out' as my 'type' to me (yes ladies, I know he's un-photogenic) and I feel nothing negative when we are close ....dancing. Just doesn't knock my socks off.

Because he's so reserved and in his shell. Wanna try to draw him out....


Last night I chatted for 9 hours in a row with webcams (video call, I guess you could call it) with an Australian (sugarmoon and Hollycrand know about this and what he looks like-yum!) who lives in London but is open to relocation. It's been a months-long association but just kinda 'heated up' two days ago. We are sending SMSs back and forth all the time when we are not grinning at each other on cam like school kids.

I'm thinking of taking a jaunt to London this weekend to meet him. My cousin's there' anyway and she *just* had a new baby girl I'd love to see.

I have a love/hate relationship with online crushes. Since there are a couple of you guys on her (minxie, sagesgirl) with online obsessions, I'll rhapsodize a bit.

I love:

I can hang around in my pyjamas and cuddle with my bedding and spend a lot of quality 'me' or 'alone' time just escaping everything else and making silly/cute banter/conversation/flirts with a handsome boy as eye candy. I guess like going to the movies.

There by myself, in my mind, I can invent and imagine a really adorable happily ever after involving the guy in front of me on cam (or in chat, on the phone, in text messages, whatever long-distance) and sort of think that if we would be in person, it would be only heavenly. Unrealistic but fun daydreams.

It's nice to feel 'special.' And since from that distance, most men are usually willing to feed you everything you want to hear with no skin off their nose, the things they say are VERY special indeed. And like you're at the beginning of a lifelong romance that just "started out" this way....


I hate:
Sometimes a guy is WAY hotter in online pics and even over webcam. In real life, he can seem much smaller, shorter, and uglier. I know this is superficial but that 'sinking feeling' of disappointment upon first look that they don't measure up to what you thought was their level-of-hotness is no fun.
I lose interest/energy for pursuing real life love interests.
I spend too much time in front of the damn computer (on the phone, working out my thumb sending texts, etc).
They almost never pan out IRL. Even the guy from match.com I met in 2002 and then married. But usually it crashes and burns, in person, far sooner than 5 years into a marriage and two kids. Like immediate.



: Any thoughts, ladies? :
post #122 of 225
Butterflymom,

I think you need to wait and see. Each 'relationship' is different, and it's probably better to remain optimistic about this Australian guy until you know otherwise.
All relationships are fragile in the beginning, and not all of them work out long term. Many times it has less to do with HOW you met the person, then just in general the chemistry between the two people, and their personalities.

Just my thoughts...
post #123 of 225
holly - : congrats!

butterflymom - hopefully s&s will step up to the plate and start to wow you!!

the usual litany of updates from me:

Bear Rassler is back out, or at least banished to the friend zone. not really going to go into it, but there's just a weirdness that i don't feel like dealing with

Trumpeter - no update. i sent him an email 3 days ago asking if he wanted to go shooting or hiking next week, and he has yet to respond.

Donor - my relationship with my stbx is ridiculous. absurd even. we are now, somehow, bff's. we showed each other pics of our dancing partners. exchanged high-fives. yesterday, i dropped the baby off with my mil and decided to go for a really long bike ride at this rails-to-trails path, take a swim in the river (it was HOT!) and just spend an afternoon of solitude. so i did that, and on my way back to my car, who do i run into but stbx. because he had the day off, and decided to go for a really long bike ride, on the same trail, and take a dip. in the same river. at the same time as me. we didn't talk about it beforehand. freaky!

and then, i met a girlfriend for drinks, and Einstein came out.

Einstein is really promising, ladies. i spent, oh, about a half hour or so with him, and we have a lot in common. like a lot. he's cute...on the big side, but super outdoorsy - hikes, bikes, very adventurous, super intelligent, and also very kindhearted. i could actually see myself with him. we have a date to go to the river and do cannonballs off the rocks, in about an hour, so i've gotta go. will update later!
post #124 of 225
Oh no!!
I wrote a post about what happened last night with swimming guy...but it doesn't appear. Hmmmmm...

Will try again:
So last night I rang swimming guy to see if he was up for swimming, and he wasn't. I wasn't either, so we met up for ice cream at a local place (he lives like 10 minutes away, almost on the same street as I do). Then we sat in a nearby park, eating ice cream and talking. He asked me tons of questions about me, my travels, my separation. I wasn't in the mood to ask too many questions, I don't know why. But I did ask a few.
He's very intelligent, very philosophical, and better looking than I had remembered. An avid golfer and snowboarder.
So then it started raining very hard, we ran to find cover, talked under an awning for about 15 minutes, then he walked me home. Gave me the typical French kisses on both cheeks. That's it.
Told me to call him one day when I didn't have the kids and we'd do something. He's straightening up his house, and mentioned he'd invite me over one day. Hmmmm......

I guess it does feel nice to know someone at least is interested...
post #125 of 225
jesus, when it rains it pours!

immediately after posting the last message, trumpeter hit me up on gchat and would like to spend the day with me on monday. he said he has somewhere to be at 9pm, but other than that he's mine, he's making sandwiches and the rest is up to me. i think i'll take him hiking, maybe biking, and we'll meditate awhile somewhere in the afternoon. hopefully there will be dancing.

i kind of like this relationship (if you even want to call it that) that we've established. there's no pressure, and though i really like him, he's not asking anything out of me. which is great, because i really don't have much to give right now. so i'm trying to not ask anything of him either and just let it be what it is, instead of trying to push things in a direction where they obviously don't want to go.

regardless, i'm excited about monday. i think we'll have fun. this is our first time hanging out on my terms, usually it's his thing that we do. so we'll see..

but since i can't contain myself, :
post #126 of 225
eewieew,


:::::::::
post #127 of 225
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hollycrand View Post
Oh no!!
I wrote a post about what happened last night with swimming guy...but it doesn't appear. Hmmmmm...

Will try again:
So last night I rang swimming guy to see if he was up for swimming, and he wasn't. I wasn't either, so we met up for ice cream at a local place (he lives like 10 minutes away, almost on the same street as I do). Then we sat in a nearby park, eating ice cream and talking. He asked me tons of questions about me, my travels, my separation. I wasn't in the mood to ask too many questions, I don't know why. But I did ask a few.
He's very intelligent, very philosophical, and better looking than I had remembered. An avid golfer and snowboarder.
So then it started raining very hard, we ran to find cover, talked under an awning for about 15 minutes, then he walked me home. Gave me the typical French kisses on both cheeks. That's it.
Told me to call him one day when I didn't have the kids and we'd do something. He's straightening up his house, and mentioned he'd invite me over one day. Hmmmm......

I guess it does feel nice to know someone at least is interested...
UM....YEA!!!!!!!!! I' glad to hear this is progressing.

eewieew: That sounds awesome. Hiking and meditation, probable dancing

Butterflymom: I can totally relate to guys not being as attractive in person than online. I like to think my pics are actually what i look like, ya know? My last date looked much different than his pic.

As far as dating goes for me. I had one this past week. It went good until he got kinda drunk which is a major turn off for me. I am open to going out with him again. I know I'm not that into him because I am not really thinking about him until he contact me and then I'm like, "oh yeah, that guy." I'll give it another shot. I have to find some time though :Life has been crazy.

Happy Weekend!
post #128 of 225
Thread Starter 
Aww, I'm glad you are all having so much fun.

I'm still a bit pouty. My life is really just unrealistic for dating right now. Aside from my own feelings about it, I just have no time. I can't afford to pay a babysitter on a regular basis, and my kids don't ever sleep over at their dads.

Wah. Keep the updates coming, so I can live vicariously, guys!
post #129 of 225
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post
Leaving in 15 minutes....
I have a love/hate relationship with online crushes. Since there are a couple of you guys on her (minxie, sagesgirl) with online obsessions, I'll rhapsodize a bit...

...It's nice to feel 'special.' And since from that distance, most men are usually willing to feed you everything you want to hear with no skin off their nose, the things they say are VERY special indeed. And like you're at the beginning of a lifelong romance that just "started out" this way....


: Any thoughts, ladies? :
Well, since you called me out specifically, I'll respond. I don't meet guys online and date them. At all.

I don't meet guys in real life and date them. At all. I was not even considering dating someone and haven't since my son was conceived over four years ago.

The Pirate is my best friend from my Marine Corps days; he and I lost touch over the years mostly due to youth and immaturity. It just happened that we reconnected through FB but we know each other pretty well already and are mostly catching up on our lives since we last saw each other (when I was pregnant with DS and still in love with his dad).

I worry a lot about how things will go with us IRL but I know his flaws and mine. We've been very open about everything, including the stuff that is not flattering to us. All I am trying to do right now is to ENJOY what we have, and not worry too much about possible futures. (And trust me on this, I worry enough for everyone involved... )

Would it be great if The Pirate and I married? Possibly...I'm still not so sure; I know how we feel towards one another but I tend to be pragmatic. Butterflies are lovely but they don't pay the bills and I have DS to consider before anything or anyone.

There are things I am unwilling to do, for instance. I am NOT moving. Period. I made that very clear to The Pirate when he mentioned he was looking for a job here. I promised DS this was our last move and so it is. I know it might seem foolish to someone on the outside but we've moved four times in 1 1/2 years due to job layoffs and neither of us wants to move again.

Finding The Pirate again is an interesting and enjoyable complication but I wouldn't hesitate to cut him out of my life if he caused me or DS problems.
post #130 of 225
Well, online suits me right now because I'm not really ready for anything else. I'm very shy in person, so this gives me the opportunity to slowly get to know someone. He's taking up very little of my time right now, & I like it that way. He's sent me a couple of candid shots which were taken within 24 hours of being sent to me, so I'm pretty confident he looks like what he looks like. (He's shorter than Joe Biden!) Heck, I know he's right-handed, from the photos.

Still, yeah, I know there are definite downsides to it. I have to be very careful not to build it up in my mind to be anything more than it actually is. Which, at the moment, is nothing more than a friendly chat and a harmless little crush. If I can keep my head on straight, it'll be good for me in the long run.
post #131 of 225
Quote:
Originally Posted by eewieew View Post
i feel like maybe i am going through the motions on a lot of levels, but at the same time i feel as though i'm on the verge of something big. it just feels like things are beginning to fall into places that i feel comfortable with, if that makes sense.

stbx and i have reached an awesome point in our relationship - we've become bff's on a lot of levels, and now we're talking to each other about our romantic interests. when i told him i went dancing last week, he high-fived me

just today we showed each other pics of the people that we've been dancing with, and i didn't feel anything remotely like jealousy. i actually realized that i want to meet her, especially since she's someone who may be around dd eventually.

it also makes me realize more about what it is that i'm looking for.

basically, stbx and i still love each other, and love parenting dd together, but we're doing different things right now. i mean, he came over this afternoon with thai carryout and we took the baby to the river and took turns holding her so the other one could do cannonballs off the rocks. we provide each other with a certain level of companionship and partnership that we can't/don't want to find anywhere else.

but we're getting our other needs met elsewhere. i guess what i've realized is that it's more important to me right now to expand upon this relationship that i'm developing with stbx for the sake of our rather unorthodox family than it is for me to start something new with someone else. i also realize that there probably aren't many men that would want to deal with how close we are. but i also even more realize that i so value my free time that i don't want to have it monopolized by the demands of a "new" relationship. so i'm content with having family time with stbx and a dancing partner (or two ) available when i feel like dancing.
I think it is wonderful you and your stbx can be friends that are that open and co-parent in a healthy way. And while your are putting your family first you are also not neglecting your needs / desires which I 100% respect.

All that said, I am way to selfish to share my love life with my ex.... and honestly with my dd in any way at this point. As a solo working at home mama I am a mommy 99.8% of the time and I like my adult time to be mine! But I do know at the right point with the right person this will change!

Quote:
Originally Posted by eewieew View Post
i know that totally contradicts what i said earlier...i think where i am is that i refuse to settle, so i'm keeping my options very open until the right something comes along.
I think this is key for us all!
post #132 of 225
Quote:
Originally Posted by yoginisarah View Post
I think its that he's kind of the opposite of a player. Like, he's probably only seen this other girl once or twice but doesn't want to start anythig physical with 2 people. He's definitely looking for a long term relationship. I think he just already has plans this Friday and was saying that if that changed that he would definitely still come over. And I think he's still trying to figure out how to view this since a week and a half ago I said I wanted to just be friends...

And, it is confusing Basically, I told him I wanted to be just friends...he was cool with that. I recently changed my mind and invited him over to my place for a movie (he has a roommate..actually, so do I but they are going out of town). After we made out he emailed me asking if he could bring a movie and ice cream over which is when I called it off...so I basically asked if he still wanted to have our date which elevated it to more than friends hanging out. But he's still interested in hanging out as friends...which I am fairly certain will lead to more than straight up friendliness
I think he sounds sweet maybe just be friends and if it grows it will be organically!
post #133 of 225
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post
Ok, so Smart & Sporty got us tickets to see Erykah Badu tomorrow at a jazz festival because I mentioned it a month ago. I thought he forgot. It's kinda sweet. (He never promised, just said he'd keep it in mind that I wanted to go and he'd see where he was at that time when it got closer, which is what he did)..... so we are spending 24 hours together starting in just 7 hours!!!!!!!!!!!

So maybe he'll finally really grow on me and we'll really hit it off (it'll be our SEVENTH date) or maybe this will seal the fate and his doom.... and I'll be soooooooooooo bored with him. At least the concert will be good.
Hopefully S&S will make you feel butterflies this time around! I feel a similar hesitation about StableGuy so I can relate, he is a sweetie that I do enjoy but he does not knock my socks off...... even if I wish he did!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hollycrand View Post
Butterflymom,

I think you need to wait and see. Each 'relationship' is different, and it's probably better to remain optimistic about this Australian guy until you know otherwise.
All relationships are fragile in the beginning, and not all of them work out long term. Many times it has less to do with HOW you met the person, then just in general the chemistry between the two people, and their personalities.

Just my thoughts...
Great advice!
post #134 of 225
Quote:
Originally Posted by sugarmoon View Post
I'm still a bit pouty. My life is really just unrealistic for dating right now. Aside from my own feelings about it, I just have no time. I can't afford to pay a babysitter on a regular basis, and my kids don't ever sleep over at their dads.
Just want to chime in and share that childcare vs. my desire to go out is something I often struggle with too. There are several things I am doing to rectify this but it is a process..... have you brainstormed ways to possibly have better childcare options so you can have time to yourself?
post #135 of 225
Updates -

StableGuy said "OK, when do you need it by" the same day I emailed... since he was heading out of town on business this weekend he is going to give it to me next week when he returns (but he did ask if I needed it sooner). I am not really worried about strings attached because I asked for it as a loan and it's not like StableGuy and I haven't been dancing in the past (or that we won't in the future) just we aren't now because:
1) I am not yet ok with more than one dancing partner, and
2) In general dd's dad really affect my ability to trust men so I need to take it slow and they need to prove to me they are worthy which StableGuy knows and it's my guess is his reasoning for helping is to prove that he is a man of his word and earn my trust so that there is even a chance of dancing in our future.....

2ndHusband is really the only man I felt/feel safe to make dancing exceptions for.... based on our history there is a safety in any interactions we have emotional and beyond! He is really trying to spend more time with me and less out with friends but I realize he also does not like being alone and I REALLY also what to be with him but honestly the long term dating will have to happen after I move because it's hard to afford a sitter just to hang out to chat or cuddle watching movies but I would feel OK doing that after dd & I move into our own place! We are getting to know eachother better but I do wish he and I had our walls down we still only scratch the surface of the hard issues (our children, our careers, our ex's) in some ways it's nice to escape those things when we are together but in other ways you can only get so close if you are holding back which we are both doing.... odd because I can really chat in detail with StableGuy about the same issues 2ndHusband and I only vaguely chat about....
post #136 of 225
The Erykah Badu concert was an awesome outdoor-jazz-festival deal and I LOVED it. As for the company of Smart & Sporty.......

Hmmmmmm........ Well he picks me up and we chat a bit and then I put on some podcasts ("Stuff You Should Know" from howstuffworks.com and PRI/Chicago Public Radio's "This American Life") and we laugh about programs with topics such as, "How Lobotomies Work" and "Monogomy" and stuff like that. Lots of stuff we put on gave us food for thought, or were such shocking/interesting trivia that we just had a nice 3 hour roadtrip. But his personality remains eerily constant throughout every minute we've ever spent together. Always pleasant, .....even interesting conversations pop up.....but...... *shrug* The second we are apart he falls out of my mind until I hear from him and then I'm like, "Oh yeah, that guy.....!" just like ferra said.
(Also a : re: the general idea of "I look like my photos and HE SHOULD TOO!")
We checked into a hotel to drop off our stuff and did a quick dance around the hotel room and went to the concert with a casual, relaxed air between us. Not having any awkward silences between us but not a lot of riveting connection happening either. Hung out on the grass during the pre-show jazz band and played cards and ate snacks. The Erykah show was great and we both enjoyed the relaxed vibe of the outdoor festival immensely. AFterwards we went to a fancy spanish restaurant for dinner and watched part of a movie at the hotel room, danced a bit, and fell asleep. He likes to spoon. The next day we went to my ex's house to pick up my car's summer tires (ex wasn't home) and had a nice lunch in a small town on the way. I really feel comfortable with him, and he smiles/laughs easily, doesn't get irritated, and is very intelligent and I can say anything I want without 'dumbing it down' for him, eveni n terms of language that an average person in thsi country wouldn't understand. Then again my accent trips him up...or my spoken pace/speed, and he asks me to repeat myself a lot. That's kind of annoying. But if he hears it then he always comprehends perfectly. It's nice. There's so far absolutely nothing wrong with him.
We were together 30 hours in a row. I didn't get tired of him.

But no sparks. No fireworks.

Do we need fireworks?


Thanks Minxie, and sagesgirl for rhapsodizing about your internet and/or phone relationships you're currently involved with. I enjoyed hearing your thoughts.

Holly, I hope Swimming Guy calls with a 'clean house report' asap and invites you over for dinner that he cooks, gourmet-style, for you!!!

eewiew, I'm so excited for you about Monday. I'm sure it'll rock with Trumpeter. And I like that you & Donor are having such a nice balance of friendship and co-parenting and you're so not agonizing about the breakup anymore. I cannot wait to hear more about Einstein!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LoveOhm, I hope you and your dd find a place soon. Glad Stable Guy is actually gonna come through with a loan. Hope you manage to slowly open up the intimacy you need in conversation with 2ndHusband asap, so you get everything you need all in one basket!

So my australian online crush may come visit me someday, may not. :

There's a dude taking me out for sushi and dancing tonight, and he is from here but lives in Spain and has a home in Brazil he's moving into in a couple of months. Don't know why I'm wasting my time with someone who will be long gone soon. . He's intelligent, tall, completely handsome-in-glasses, and successful (ok, ok, ridiculously successful $$$ ) and loves to have fun. I guess I just want a little fun with him and ....ya never know. Why assume he can't fall for me and change his plans before he's ever met me and only had a couple of phone conversations?! Plus the dude and I have a mutual gal-pal who is vouching for his decency.


Wish me a fun saturday night out.
post #137 of 225
Butterflymom - Do we need fireworks?

I don't think so. Fireworks fizzle, darling. But someone you can be around comfortably for 30 hours straight is nice. I never had fireworks with Donor, and we really had a good relationship, until the last year of it, and things went sour really quickly. When you find someone who just, I don't know, fits, you need to give it a shot.

Where things are right now is that Trumpeter is a fantastic distraction but our lives are so different, and headed in such different directions, that we could never have a "real" relationship, nor do I think we would want one with each other. I'm honestly not even sure what keeps us in contact but I'll ride it out as long as I can! Maybe something amazing will come out of this, maybe not. But I definitely am hopeful for a future as his regular dancing partner. For sure!

Einstein is a tough read, but I understand that he's really shy. I am not. So, I friended him on FB and sent him a message this morning demanding that he come hiking with me. I'm super intrigued with him. This Einstein guy is someone that I think I could be with. We love to do all of the same things, we both have a really adventurous spirit, and he's much more settled than Trumpeter. Super smart. So I'm going to be aggressive with this one, because I feel the potential.

Bear Rassler is out again. I called him last night while I was out and he said he'd call me back after he put the kids to bed, and never did. He says he went to bed, but I saw posts from him on fb until 10. I'm a very sarcastic lady and made some comment about how this girl can take a hint, and he sends me this loooooooong text this morning about how I'm too needy and his life is falling apart. I'm a single mom of an infant. I don't have time for that crap! I'm so not "that girl." But I do expect that people call when they say they will, even if it's just to tell me that they're turning in or whatever the case may be. It's just common courtesy.

Urg....like many have said, "Dude, I just want to hang out, I don't want to marry you!!!"
post #138 of 225
Y'kno, Butterflymom, I'm not really sure one way or another about fireworks. I think I need them, at least a little. There'd have to be some spark there, at least. And I definitely wouldn't pursue something where I essentially forgot about him until the next time I heard from him. Haven't heard from Warrior_Deluxe (feel silly typing that, but it's his username & saves me trying to think up a nickname) in about a day & a half and I'm thinking about him quite a bit, even though I realize I'll be OK if he simply drops off the planet. Understand where I'm coming from? I'd want a guy who intrigues me if I wanted something even somewhat serious.

But if that's not what you want, enjoy it for what it is.
post #139 of 225
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post
Leaving in 15 minutes....


I love:

I can hang around in my pyjamas and cuddle with my bedding and spend a lot of quality 'me' or 'alone' time just escaping everything else and making silly/cute banter/conversation/flirts with a handsome boy as eye candy. I guess like going to the movies.

There by myself, in my mind, I can invent and imagine a really adorable happily ever after involving the guy in front of me on cam (or in chat, on the phone, in text messages, whatever long-distance) and sort of think that if we would be in person, it would be only heavenly. Unrealistic but fun daydreams.

It's nice to feel 'special.' And since from that distance, most men are usually willing to feed you everything you want to hear with no skin off their nose, the things they say are VERY special indeed. And like you're at the beginning of a lifelong romance that just "started out" this way....


I hate:
Sometimes a guy is WAY hotter in online pics and even over webcam. In real life, he can seem much smaller, shorter, and uglier. I know this is superficial but that 'sinking feeling' of disappointment upon first look that they don't measure up to what you thought was their level-of-hotness is no fun.
I lose interest/energy for pursuing real life love interests.
I spend too much time in front of the damn computer (on the phone, working out my thumb sending texts, etc).
They almost never pan out IRL. Even the guy from match.com I met in 2002 and then married. But usually it crashes and burns, in person, far sooner than 5 years into a marriage and two kids. Like immediate.



: Any thoughts, ladies? :
: I've had that happen to me too where someone looks waaaaaay hotter in photos then he did in real life, and he was a chain smoker and stunk to high heaven. It was awful!!! Such a letdown!!!!! I know what you mean about the love/hate obsession with online dating. for me though it is really a necessary evil. I simply have no time at all to find people to date and I really don't like bars. Too noisy and too much smoke. I work as a teacher so 99% of my colleagues are women. I really can't think of any other way to find dates. Maybe I need to take up a hobby, lol.

PS...wanted to add in about the fireworks. I struggle with this too and was just thinking that very thing. Fireworks are essential for me. I just can't dance with someone if it's not flaming hot, but the problem is that I seem to have fireworks for the crazy ones. I almost wonder if I give off a scent that says " here I am, come try to screw with my life and push me around... I love it when guys do that to me". Why of why do I do that to myself? Why do the guys I find unbelievable hot are always so dysfunctional?
post #140 of 225
Quote:
Originally Posted by sugarmoon View Post
Aww, I'm glad you are all having so much fun.

I'm still a bit pouty. My life is really just unrealistic for dating right now. Aside from my own feelings about it, I just have no time. I can't afford to pay a babysitter on a regular basis, and my kids don't ever sleep over at their dads.

Wah. Keep the updates coming, so I can live vicariously, guys!
Most of the time I'm there with you. It's rare that I get an evening date, I think I've had maybe 2 since I started dating in november. I've found going for brunch, coffee, lunch or a really early dinner to work pretty well for me. And don't forget you can always dance during the daytime too.
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