A vent

[sparklebean]

So this pregnancy was not planned, although DP and I were not using any protection at all- not even withdrawl- nothing. So I feel like he shouldn't be so shocked sometimes that this happened. I mean were are 29 and 31 yrs old- and neither one of us has had a pregnancy before- we knew how to prevent this, obviously!

I know he's just probably freaking out now because we only have a couple weeks left and it's all hitting him hard. It just frustrates me when he goes from saying something cute or rubbing my belly to getting all upset within a few hours.

He got mad cuz he heard me on the phone saying that I told him he'd have to quit drinking (so he could drive me to the hospital. he works at a bar.) He said that I'm "not the boss of him." And apparently me reading Go Dog Go out loud to the cat was "pushing his buttons".

We haven't had sex in months because he's weirded out, and it's hard because I feel like my self-esteem sometimes rides on feeling desirable. We are close and cuddle and kiss so it's not like just cold, but still. I'm afraid things will never go back to normal after the baby and recovery.

Sorry this is so long and thanks for reading if you got this far. I'm sure we are both just hitting the breaking point and are ready to be done with this portion of the experiment.

[bajamergrrl]

First of all to you. This is my first pregnancy too and I've learned that men (generalization) deal with it so much differently. I think that they sometimes feel so powerless during pregnancy (and maybe birth too) that they don't know how to handle that and their rationality can go flying out the window. I'm kind of experiencing that with my own DH.

Good news is that many mamas around MDC report that even if their DHs weren't on their best behavior during pregnancy or birth that doesn't mean they don't become great fathers.

Again, to you.

[bemommy]

Hugs.

It's a difficult adjustment. We got the rough end of the stick in the physical department but SO's have it tough too. Unfortunately there aren't the same support systems/emotional outlets available to them. . so they can get a bit freaky without any camradarie or someone to talk them down.

Quite often men just need to know that they'll still get the opportunity to be the baby (every now and again at least).

[penstamon]

Originally Posted by bemommy

Hugs.

Quite often men just need to know that they'll still get the opportunity to be the baby (every now and again at least).

sparklebean- it sounds like your DH is a little like mine. We haven't had much sex either and he is very evasive if I bring it up. We did plan this baby but he still has not really "gotten into" this pregnancy. I mean he takes good care of me and all but he does not show too much affection for the baby or does anything to prepare directly. In fact, he acts like most baby prep activities are an inconvenient chore (i.e. Bradley classes, choosing a name, buying baby stuff, etc.) He wouldn't even come to my maternity photo session because he didn't see the point in wasting the time. That being said, I know he will be a great dad and I don't think there is any reason to worry about their behavior. I think there is some resistance to giving up freedom and having to be entirely responsible for another human. Little do they acknowledge that we had to do that 9 months ago and will have to give up way more in the upcoming months/years. to you- I think they will come around...

On the bright side:

Last night my DH commented that he needed to read the Birth Partner again (he never read it to begin with- in fact he completely ignored the stack of books I had sitting out for months) but I had already given it back to the friend that lent it to us. He also had a realization that we didn't have any "baby butt sanitizer"- meaning wipes- and I informed him that I have sewed dozens (I even showed them to him). He was up late last night looking into new cars that would be "safer" for the baby, although both our cars are pretty new and in great condition. My point is, I think in these last few days/weeks, it is hitting home and he is understanding that he can't ignore it anymore. Its just funny how they just don't get it for the other 8.5 months!

[BoringTales]

Its emotional for a man at this point in pregnancy too! How long were you guys together before this pregnancy? That may have something to do with it too. He is probably getting nervous about the huge change that is going on. He may still be somewhat stuck in 'party boy' mode, and knows in his head and heart that its time to grow up. That's a scary thing for some guys.

It was hard on my DH after our first. He was still in 'party guy' mode for my entire pregnancy and the first 6 months or so of our son's life. It drove me nuts. Best day of our marriage was the day he quit drinking, honestly.

[sparklebean]

Thanks for all your kind responses- it really helps. I think we are just having an "off" couple of days.

We were only together for 5 mo. before BFP. We had been friends for about 3yrs, though. I do think he will be a good dad, and part of me thinks that we both really wanted to get out of our party lifestyles and start a new adventure. Otherwise we would have been more careful!

He does talk about how he will not be drinking in the future, and has already started using a nicotine substitute to quit smoking. I think penstamon is on the right track- I went through so many hormone mood swings 8.5 mo. ago and now feel ready to do this... I guess he is just starting!

[MOMYS]

I think you partner is going to be a great father! Just as our hormones get wacky, our dp's have to deal with the impending birth, fatherhood and extra responsibility in their own way!

(((HUGS)))