When leaving your intact DS with friends....

[mrsfrazier]

....do you always inform them about his intact status and not to retract or do you trust that they won't retract?

A couple of mommy friends and I have talked about trading some childcare, which I would love to do. However, I know from previous discussions in our group that my DS is the only intact child and that they are all very pro-circ.

I don't really want to draw attention to his intact status because of the vehement reactions they have expressed in favor of circumcision, but I also don't want DS to be hurt. He is 2 now also and much more aware of his body, and I would hate for him to feel like I am saying something is wrong with his penis. I'm not sure how to broach the subject without it turning into a large discussion, but I don't want to downplay it so much that he might still be retracted. What is a good middle ground?

Also wanted to add when I told my mom not to retract DS (and she had never before seen an intact penis!) she told me that retracting never would even occur to her and that she would never have seen a reason to anyways. So I had wondered if maybe my friends might have the same reaction?

[lifeguard]

For myself I tell anyone who might change ds' diaper when I'm not present that he is not to be retracted. Too many people just don't know how to properly treat an intact penis.

[moonglowmama]

Friends of mine who have never seen an intact penis wouldn't understand the words "don't retract." They'd probably have lots of questions about what that is, etc. Some of them don't even know how the foreskin moves, as they have no experience of it.

It might be simpler to only say, "X's penis is intact. You only wipe the outside of it for diaper changes."

[jmcqabigler]

yes!!! do tell anyone who watches your son who does not know what the cleaning protical is. I left my DS with a very good friend but she had ony changed circed boys and ended up retracting the forskin when she cleaned him. She said the poop had all gotten inside the forskin but I had never had that happen and I think it ended up like that because she was wiping wrong and wipped down which pushed the poop inside instead of up and around. He retracted ever since and was only a year old I do not think there was any lasting harm but it was a big lesson. So know I tell any one who watched my boys that are still in diapers as well as any new mom that have intact sons.

[emma1325]

I babysat my friend's baby who was intact (before I knew much about this whole issue) and I never once thought I should wipe "up" or retract. I'm not sure why someone would think to do this!

[eepster]

If simply telling these mom's that you DS is intact, might cause them to say something or react in a way that would damage you DS's selfimage, then what is going to happen when they actually need to change him? THis isn't just will the retract or not, but will they comment in front of him? will they wrinkle their noses and frown? Will they go "eww?"

If I worried about trusting someone with the simple information that my DS was intact, then I don't think I would trust them with my DS at all.

[eepster]

Originally Posted by emma1325

I'm not sure why someone would think to do this!

It used to be the standard protocol, some Drs still tell people to do it.

[SlackerDad]

Originally Posted by eepster

It used to be the standard protocol, some Drs still tell people to do it.

Yeah, they did it to me when I was a kid. Not too thrilled about that, but all in all: at least I kept my foreskin, which is more than I can say for 99 percent of my peers. I definitely dreaded that part of doctor visits though, because I didn't retract it at any other time until I was sexually active.

[nerdymom]

Originally Posted by eepster

If simply telling these mom's that you DS is intact, might cause them to say something or react in a way that would damage you DS's selfimage, then what is going to happen when they actually need to change him? THis isn't just will the retract or not, but will they comment in front of him? will they wrinkle their noses and frown? Will they go "eww?"

If I worried about trusting someone with the simple information that my DS was intact, then I don't think I would trust them with my DS at all.

:

I never assume, and I would not let someone change him if I felt they would be disgusted by it.

[Yulia_R]

I would ABSOLUTELY mention to not retract under ANY circumstances plus I would remind it to them every single time.

First of all, it will protect your son and second of all, show them just how easy it is to care for intact boy.

[DocsNemesis]

Yeah, make sure they know-like someone else said, say *wipe the outside* as a lot of pro circ people have no clue what *dont retract* even means.

I also second the reaction thing too. If they are going to act like its gross, I wouldn't let him go. Check their reactions when you say something about it. If they are curious and whatnot, answer questions and make sure none are still going on about how gross it is. If any are, I'd avoid those people for sitting. At 2 he's old enough to notice a reaction and be hurt by it

[mama24-7]

Originally Posted by eepster

If simply telling these mom's that you DS is intact, might cause them to say something or react in a way that would damage you DS's selfimage, then what is going to happen when they actually need to change him? THis isn't just will the retract or not, but will they comment in front of him? will they wrinkle their noses and frown? Will they go "eww?"

If I worried about trusting someone with the simple information that my DS was intact, then I don't think I would trust them with my DS at all.

: As much as we need a break, I would worry the whole time I had left him w/ these people.

Sus

[peainthepod]

"[DS] is intact. Please do not manipulate his foreskin in any way. During diaper changes, just clean his penis like you would a finger. Again, please be careful not to move or pull on his foreskin, as it's fused to his penis like your fingernails are fused to your fingers, and tugging on it or tearing it would be very painful and could cause permanent damage. No need to do anything but wipe down the outside--so easy!"

That's what I plan to say. We will be leaving the baby with our ILs eventually and since DH and his brother are both circumcised, it's not something I'm willing to leave up to chance, KWIM?

[A&A]

Originally Posted by lifeguard

For myself I tell anyone who might change ds' diaper when I'm not present that he is not to be retracted. Too many people just don't know how to properly treat an intact penis.

:

[lawmama1984]

When DS was a newborn, we had some friends visit. As we were changing his diaper, they saw that he was intact and the guy said "Well, you know you have to pull his foreskin back and clean under it every time you change his diaper." I hadn't yet found these boards, so I actually didn't know that it wasn't common knowledge not to retract, so I just said "No, actually not only do you not have to, but you aren't supposed to as it is damaging and painful." After hearing some of these horrible retraction tales on here (even after people have been told not to retract), I tell everyone who may ever change his diaper. I still remind my parents every single time they are caring for them...they are starting to get annoyed, but better them annoyed than my son prematurely retracted!

I am hesitant to leave DS with sitters in the first place, but I would just mention it to them and make sure they understand that under no circumstance should they retract. Some PP have given really great advice on wording. I also agree with posters that said they wouldn't leave their child in the care of anyone who you wouldn't want to tell that your DS is intact.

I know you like the idea of trading childcare, but what if these moms made negative comments about your son's privates in front of him (and maybe the other kids?) and he begins to feel like there is something "wrong" with him. It could very well turn into the "locker room syndrome" that so many pro-circ people use to advocate their position. I just wouldn't want your sweet baby boy feeling bad about being whole and perfect just the way he is, know what I mean? In the end, it's up to you, but I probably would not feel comfortable leaving my DS with them, especially since you mentioned they got pretty passionate about being pro-circ.

[kriket]

Before DS was born I posted a thing about caring for an intact boy on our family website we're so modern

The people that I wouldn't trust to not retract I wouldn't trust with my house plant. Its a short list.

I would like to think that most people wouldn't get all nitty-gritty on your sons penis when they are changing a diaper. My canned phrase is "You know he's intact and you shouldn't pull the skin on his penis right?" it seems to get the point across.

Using cloth gives you a reason to give a diaper change tutorial with even the most experienced diaper changers and not make them feel belittled.

[benj]

Until I read all these horror stories of retraction, I didn't even think of it.

Now I'm much more aware of my sons' caretakers. I usually ask them how they would clean them, if they are wrong (which hasn't happened yet)...I would politely correct them.