Tips for the Transition from Only Child to Big Sibling?

[Raene]

We're having a baby in 8 weeks or so and my DD is 5 1/2. I'd love some tips for making the adjustment smooth for her (not just right at first, but always). I'm an only child and have no experience with siblings and what I might have wanted/needed since I wasn't in that role.

We're having a Big Sister party for DD before the baby comes.

She's getting to choose a new baby doll when the baby comes so she'll be a "new mama" too.

Other than that I'm not sure what to do.

[Girlprof]

We had a pretty smooth transition but some of this depends on the child, I think. And the new baby. Our DS was 4 when DD was born. Most of his tension about the new arrival came out prior to the birth. We - the parents - were kind of worried because I had had some medical issues and maybe he picked up on that.

In any case, we didn't have a Big Sibling Party, but we did get him a baby doll. I didn't tell him he was a "Little Mama" obviously, but we did talk about "our baby". We got him a few books about becoming a big brother - and we did a mix of books that were happy-happy about that event and ones that brought up potential difficulties. My parents got a really old-fashioned one from Mr. Rogers of all people and that turned out to be quite good.

He was also present at the birth. Now, I totally did not believe that that would make any difference in their relationship - I just wanted him there, since that felt right to me. But, having done it that way, I think for us it cemented what was probably going to be a pretty strong sibling bond anyway.

Finally, it was hard to find time for me to be alone with DS after the birth. But it was really important. The whole family functioned better if I could spend even a couple of hours a week one-on-one with our first-born. I'm finding that that is still true. It's easy for me to end up taking care of the baby while DH takes care of DS. To keep everyone on an even keel, it helps for me to be sure to have some quality time with DS.

Congratulations by the way!

[Thefrawg]

I talked about "our" new baby, and how important my son's role would be with the new baby. After we had #2, I kept #1 involved with care and explained how the baby had more needs, but #1 had more priviledges (playing at the park, eating his favorite snack, running, etc) that only comes with age and experience.

This has continued to work for us as the kids get older. Now, the oldest has to do more chores, but doesn't have to take a nap everyday, like his younger brother. So he is more willing to help with his responsibilities, when he can see his extra priviledges. Hope that makes sense....

I have been doing the same with #3, and have had no problems with jealousy or anything else. Both the older ones love the baby and try to help me take care of her. I try to reinforce how we are a family and take care of each other. The baby will laugh at her brothers, and that helps them to feel connected.

Good luck!

[elanorh]

1. We read books together (Ina was 3, whereas your oldest is nearly six, but I bet they'll still be helpful). We read:

Sophie and the New Baby (shows bfing, talks about how much work the baby is, and Sophie at one point yells, "I don't want that new baby!" But then she is the one who teaches the baby to smile, etc. Mothering recommended this awhile ago, it's out of print now but you should be able to find it at the library. I think this helped Ina a lot with the adjustment, because she knew that it would be hard sometimes, but that it would be worth it.

The Berenstein Bears new baby book....

Will There Be a Lap For Me? which I liked because it also showed bfing, and was much more urban and multicultural; the little boy is probably closer to your dd's age (whereas Sophie is probably closer to 3). Also talked a bit about how baby seemed to get so much attention, but ends with big brother sitting on mom's lap watching the birds at their new bird feeder.

We talked about how things would be after baby arrived, that baby would need to nurse alot, and sleep alot, and not be very playful 'til several months later.... it helped that my sisters each had babies about six months in advance, so Ina was able to see how newborn babies were.

Once SJ arrived, we realized that Ina needed 1:1 time with just me -- so I think SJ was probably only a couple weeks old when I started taking a half-hour walk with just Ina every afternoon. It made a world of difference for her!! She had been acting out a bit before then (not towards SJ, just crabby and clingy and destructive-ish). It's important that there still be some solid attention from mom; dh was giving Ina tons of attention, as were the grandparents, but she needed the reassurace of time with me. We did this at bedtime too -Ina got separate time from me, while dh cared for SJ and I read some stories to Ina.

If your little one ends up being another girl, I highly recommend a book called Big Sister, Little Sister (by an author named Pham). It is a really sweet picture book with cute illustrations, about the differences (and similarities) between two sisters.

Good luck! I do think that siblings being at the birth, depending on the sibling, could be also helpful. Ina really wanted to be there but we didn't think she was old enough.