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emotional preparation/coping with second ivf attempt

post #1 of 8
Thread Starter 
Hi all,
We had our first ivf cycle this past winter. I did get pregnant but miscarried a week or so later. We're in the midst of starting a second cycle. I have moments of feeling ok about this - I know it's the best thing to do since it's this or nothing and waiting another 6 months isn't going to make it any easier. But phew, lots of scary thoughts happening too. I was really positive the first time around - felt as though it was going to work, kept positive, quite excited. With having lived through one cycle now, it's hard for me to have that same optimism. I have these thoughts of trying to 'bargain' with the universe - since it didn't work last time, then it should this time; obviously I can get pregnant, so it will happen again this time and stick; but also since I technically got pregnant last time, how can I expect a second "success"; are we pushing our luck? I know that these feelings are probably all normal, but I need to find a different thought stream. Otherwise, this is not going to be easy.
Any of you out there with words of wisdom with second tries?
post #2 of 8
I don't know if I have any words of wisdom, but I was once in just the same situation. Got pregnant on the first IVF try, then miscarried. I had just turned 40, and wasn't sure I could come up with the money for a 3rd IVF attempt if the second one failed, so the stakes felt pretty high. In my case, I got pregnant again the second time, and that time it stuck. Of course, things could go completely differently for you. But I tend to think that if you got pregnant once, it means your chances are good the second time around.

The first time, I knew a miscarriage was possible, but it just didn't feel that likely. Once you've had that happen, it's definitely hard to have the same optimism. I think having had the miscarriage made it harder to feel really attached to the baby the second time around, at least during the first part of the pregnancy. But it all turned out fine, and I ended up with a wonderful little daughter who is now 6. (And then, when she was 2 and I was 43, I got pregnant again without IVF, and ended up with a son who is now 3!)
post #3 of 8
i dont know if i have any words of wisdom either, but i just wanted to offer some support. we were in the same situation - our first ivf attempt last fall ended in a m/c at 9 weeks. we did a FET in february and are now expecting our first in october.

i dont think i realized how emotionally difficult it would be to try again and i think, like daffodil, the experience of loss kept me from bonding with this pregnancy for a long time. losing a pregnancy after ivf is so unfair and so hard. be sure to be gentle with yourself as you go through the cycle again and give yourself plenty of space to deal with whatever emotions it brings up.

i will mention that my RE did say that because the first one worked, the chances of it working again were significantly higher. the fact that your body can get pregnant is a good sign for future success. wishing you lots of luck for a sticky bfp and healthy pregnancy.

post #4 of 8
I just want to lend my support. I've been there too. The first ivf attempt ended in a miscarriage at 12 weeks. The 2nd attempt, I understimmed and cancelled before ER. The 3rd attempt was successful and I'm now 16 weeks along. I do agree that the optimism wasn't really there after the 1st try. The adrenalin and excitement from having the opportunity just wasn't the same. I didn't try to force the optimism. Instead, I took it really low key and tried to keep life as normal as possible, with a few injections on the side. I didn't really have high hopes, but just tried to stay away from the intense negative feelings. Focusing on non-pregnancy, non-birth, non-children related things during the whole process really helped. Good luck!
post #5 of 8
Originally Posted by abeecharmer View Post
i will mention that my RE did say that because the first one worked, the chances of it working again were significantly higher. the fact that your body can get pregnant is a good sign for future success.
My RE said the same thing and said that there are studies which indicate higher success rates for women who get pg on the first IVF cycle even if it does not stick (which is exactly what just happened to me - I'll be trying IVF #2 in August).
post #6 of 8

No AWESOME advice here, but...

I too do not have some great advice, but when my mind takes me down roads- I know are not healthy thoughts... I start reading. I try to fill my mind with positive- encouraging things/thoughts.

I have found a website that is full of advice, resources and info. It is www.CreatingAFamily.com. There was a blog titled Inspiration for the Journey I thought you might enjoy...

"Sometimes there is nothing lonelier than waiting to become a parent. Whether you’re on the infertility merry-go-round (appointments, shots, peeing, waiting, and praying) or playing the adoption waiting game (filling out forms, chasing paper, checking online forums for the latest rumors, jumping at every phone call, and praying), this baby quest is all consuming. A woman I consulted with a few weeks ago said it perfectly when she called it an obsession. But sometimes this obsession becomes a bit wearing on your circle of family and friends, and just maybe, your partner. So, where do you put all this baby-lust energy, before it drives the rest of the world to plan exit strategies when they see you coming?"

In the blog she pointed out some good, feel good books to read while you wait.

Books for Adults-Good Reads
Waiting for Daisy: A Tale of Two Continents, Three Religions, Five Fertility Doctors, An Oscar, An Atomic Bomb, A Romantic Night, and One Woman's Quest to Become a Mother by Peggy Orenstein. Ms. Orenstein knows how to write and she tells with wit and passion her 6+ year journey with infertility that ultimately ended successfully with the birth of her daughter when Orenstein was almost 42. This memoir is funny, sad, frustrating, and most of all, honest. I suspect many of you will see yourself and feel less alone. It’s a great read. I interviewed Peggy on the Nov. 19, 2008 Creating a Family show, so check out that interview as well.

Tiny Toes by Kelly Damron. Kelly writes honestly about her journey through infertility, prematurity and depression. This trip almost cost her her marriage and one of her daughters, but ultimately it is a book about triumph. She survives and so does her marriage and daughter. This survival is a testament to hard work, counseling, and modern medicine (antidepressants and the NICU in equal measure). This is a cautionary tale to those who think twins are the preferred outcome of Assisted Reproductive Technology. I interviewed Kelly for the Jan. 14 Creating a Family show on how to reduce the risk of multiples.

Embryo Culture: Making Babies in the Twenty-first Century by Beth Kohl. This is a well written memoir of the author's journey through IVF. She experienced her share of the ups and downs and heartache and uncertainty before becoming the parent of three daughters through IVF. She tells about it all in this well written and thoughtful book.

Everything Conceivable: How Assisted Reproduction is Changing Men, Women, and the World by Liza Mundy. This book is not for you if you simply want to have a baby and think as little as possible about the ethical issues you might encounter along the way. But if you have room to ponder exactly what this brave new world might bring, then this is a great introduction to the issues. Mundy covers it all from advanced maternal age; to donor egg, sperm, or both; to surrogacy; to the preference for twins; and everything else you can think to ponder on.

I am praying you find all the support and encouragement you need! As I have often heard it said, when the rain comes (and it will), we need to learn to dance in the rain. So from one rain dancer to another....
post #7 of 8
Thread Starter 
wow, thanks to all of you wise women. I appreciate the comments about keeping life as normal as possible. For us, we will be away from home during the time of the retrieval/transfer since we live 3 hours away from the clinic. But, time in the city for us, after having been away from that scene for a few years, is a treat and we certainly enjoy it. So we will do the appointments, injections etc, but spend the rest of the time enjoying time with friends and being city dwellers for a while.
your stories and information re: possibly higher rates of success the second time around after a positive test (despite the miscarriage) gave me a huge boost...I will likely come back to these posts to reassure myself when I feel doubt creeping in.
I have been focusing a lot on my emotional level - doing some meditation, submitting to universal love when doing yoga, whatever I can to put me in a positive mode.
here's to dancing in the rain...
post #8 of 8
We had DD on our second attempt, there is tons of hope for you. Something that helped me with the second was accupuncture and good diet/exercise. Is your RE changing the protocol this time? Mine did I hyperstimulated but the good news was that I was pregnant even thought my ovaries were the size of footballs.
If you want to read about my story I have a blog at www.yarnista.blogspot.com. Also a discussion board on ivf-infertility.com. really gave me lots of support. The other thing was the RE and all his nurses were so great I enjoyed going there. Let me know if I can help you at all.
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