Nine month old and his tantrums; help please?

[Mama2Jesse]

He's nine and a half months if you want specifics. Always been a very laid back baby, really a dream of a child.

The past month though, has been nerve wracking. Of course he fits when I take something from him he shouldn't have and redirect, but lately, he's added other preferences to the mix.
If he doesn't want to be sat in his chair for a bit so we can eat, FIT. Doesn't want to be sat in his pack and play with loads of cool ever changing toys so mom can pee, FIT.

I know he's just kind of at a hard stage, but DH is a bit concerned. When we are in public (say, dinner) and he fits, we both feel our only option is to cave and pick him back up so as not to disturb others. But, then... we don't want to turn him into a spoilt child who thinks a tantrum gets him what he wants. Argh.

*sigh* Any ideas for handling it in public? At home, I wait until he stops roaring at me and then pick him up. I just am at a loss.

And yes, it's temper. Kind of cute, really, but not something we want to encourage.

[gurumama]

9 month olds aren't capable of "fits" or "tantrums"--those words both imply intent, as if he were intentionally manipulating you.

He is likely expressing his needs--just like a newborn squawks, cries, suckles fists, etc. to express needs, your 9 month old is expressing the fact that a basic need isn't being met. I have sympathy for how frustrating it can be for you and your DH when you try to eat, do something, etc. and the baby interrupts--but whatever the baby is going through is as frustrating as what you're going through, and he isn't an adult who can meet his own needs in an alternate way.

Also, his behavior sounds like he's about to make a huge developmental leap--maybe about to start walking, or talking? Many children become frustrated easily, or change normal behavior patterns right before big changes.

You and your husband can change the way you view his behaviors--using language like "fits" or "tantrums" to describe a perfectly normal developmental phase gives it a negative connotation, and only reinforces that negativity.

[ewe+lamb]

Separation anxiety comes to mind when I read your post and ITA with gurumama, remember your nine month old is a baby, I understand that this is really frustrating especially when you want to go to the loo or take a shower but it's absolutely normal that your child needs you to be there, this is around the time that they realise that they are no longer actually a part of you so it can be quite traumatic for them. Hang in there. Just wanted to add that you can use a ring sling or something like that so that your baby can be with you and feel more secure.

[vbactivist]

I agree with previous posters. I don't think at 8 months old, he is capable of a tantrum. He just can't talk yet, and so is frustrated by his inabilty to express his needs in a way you can easily understand. I know its difficult for you and dh to deal with his crying, etc in public, but I honestly think most people would expect that from a baby your son's age.

[BellaClaudia]

I agree with previous posters..
this is separation anxiety and that in my opinion is just a smart baby who
wants parent to give him attention when he needs it or not to be alone.

my DD now 4 was like that entirely so we just learned respect that and
did not do anything to traumatize her because that actually leads to
more deep anxiety..

my friends always would suggest me to leave her to cry in the crib or
the playpan or whatever and go to the bathroom and so on..

I had no heart to do that and I think it was just against my motherly instinct ot let the child to cry like that seeing the trauma of me dissapearing in the other room..

I just learned to live with it and after a while it did not feel like any excessive request.. I simply never peed or do the other thingy alone :
fine by me :-)

my dd would not let me to take a showere untill she was 2.5.. not that I did not take shower for so long ...:
it is just that I learned to organize it so i could do it while my husband woudl happily playing with her so I had to be crative as to when I took my shower.

my husband had the same fears at first but he clearly saw that we had very intellingent and acutally high needs baby so he understood that the more we would push oposite the deeper would be the counterreaction and more fear and more anxiety and everything..

I realized that I was actually very attached parent and I always think about those moms in south america seen in national geographic working in fields with babies on their backs and I understand that they don't have a problem
weather to leave a kid crying in a ditch wrapped in a cloth but they do it all with child at their back or kid by their leg so I would not see why
my child would need to sit in a trap so to speak while I can eat..

I learned to eat with a child and to do anything really and it did not bother me but on the contrary.

now she is 4 year old, she grew into very confident little girl who has no problem to go into any social situation, she is doing great in all classes she takes and she has no problem of any kind that you might think that would spring from being overly attached.

she needed me, I felt that strong need for me and so I sattisfied it and so the child learned to trust that I am there for her as long as she needed me..

I see nowdays many moms kicking their offspirng into the ballet class as the poor little darlings crying their hearts out try to go back to mamas as the teacher is closing the door.. my dd walks right in, smilling and takes her palce and waits for fun to be..

[LynnS6]

Yep, separation anxiety + an active child = your problem.

Honestly, from about this age to 2 1/2 or so, we didn't go out to dinner much. It just wasn't worth it. You might try going out to LUNCH when the crowds are smaller and your baby is better rested. But even that's hit or miss. When we had to eat out (as in when we were traveling), we spent a lot of time having one or the other of us walk the kid(s) around outside while waiting for food or while someone else ate.

You can't spoil a child by picking them up. You can meet a child's emotional needs without 'giving in' to their demands. I'm a firm believer in comforting a tantrum, if the child will let you. A 9 month old CAN have a tantrum, but it's a reflection of frustration. It's not an attempt at manipulation. Even my 5 year old, who is perfectly capable of throwing a fit to get her way, is still expressing frustration.

[just_lily]

My one-year-old definitely has fits of temper, and they started at about nine months. I view them as her way of expressing her feelings, not so much manipulation.

There have been times that I have had to put her in her crib while she tantrums. Had to. She would fling herself around on the floor and if I tried to hold her she would push against me and try to arch herself out of my arms. Out of fear for her safety I put her someplace safe - usually her crib. I stay right next to her, but if she is going to fling herself around I would rather her do it on a mattress than the hardwood floors.

She once tantrumed for a half an hour after I wiped her nose. She hates that.

As with everything else, pick your battles. If my kid gets at something she shouldn't and is upset when I take it away I comfort her. If she wants to get out of her chair, I let her. And if she flips out because I wipe her snotty nose, I ride it out.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by Mama2Jesse

He's nine and a half months if you want specifics. Always been a very laid back baby, really a dream of a child.

The past month though, has been nerve wracking. Of course he fits when I take something from him he shouldn't have and redirect, but lately, he's added other preferences to the mix.
If he doesn't want to be sat in his chair for a bit so we can eat, FIT. Doesn't want to be sat in his pack and play with loads of cool ever changing toys so mom can pee, FIT.

I know he's just kind of at a hard stage, but DH is a bit concerned. When we are in public (say, dinner) and he fits, we both feel our only option is to cave and pick him back up so as not to disturb others. But, then... we don't want to turn him into a spoilt child who thinks a tantrum gets him what he wants. Argh.

*sigh* Any ideas for handling it in public? At home, I wait until he stops roaring at me and then pick him up. I just am at a loss.

And yes, it's temper. Kind of cute, really, but not something we want to encourage.

I just wanted to say that I don't really believe you can spoil a nine month old in the sense in which the bolded part seems to be headed. He's just not that sophisticated yet! It is considerate of others to leave.