Looking to be more GD with this situation

[kindacrunchy]

I've posted a lot regarding my 6 yo. While we are starting to get some professional help with PT and counseling, I am working on a discipline plan with my sons. We are creating some house rules and so far we are working on house rule number one which is no hurting each other. you hit, you sit to calm down and then you can join in again. the first place to sit is with the family on a step but if that is resisted and calming down is not happening, the next place to go is in their rooms. I will also say we have written down things to do instead of hitting and ways to calm down before they feel like hitting. If they need me to escort them to their rooms because they refuse to go on their own. I will.
My oldest is bright, spirited and MOODY! If there is not a proper balance of food and sleep we have a tyrant on our hands and it literally brings down the entire family. We had a car situation last night so our evening routine was seriously messed up and my son refused to go to bed. He kept saying he wanted to fall asleep here, and there, and everywhere. I gave him his two choices where he could sleep and of course he gave me two choices. ugh! anyway, it was getting late and he needed to e asleep and my stress level starts to increase because i know he will be a total bear. Well, he blames everyone for everything. He does not take responsiblity for his actions. I told him he needs his rest, yaddy yaddy yadah, because of xyz. I decided that if he was in fight mode all day today because of his lack of sleep, then he could spend the day in his room because i will not allow him to take it out on the family anymore. On the one hand, I fell like a hard a$$, but on the other hand, I'm tired of feeling like he gets catered to all the time. Yes, he is 6 and he needs his parents to help him with things and he needs love, etc., but I am so done with the attitude. I've tried being understanding and compassionate but I guess my way just caters to him and doesn't help him learn how to deal with these things. So, am I being out of line?
Thanks,
Karen
p.s. I don't know if he is ODD or not. I am trying to tak control of our household and making the boundaries clear and sticking with the consequences because I feel we have been inconsistent so he pushes to see if we are going to buckle or not. I don't want to be toatl upperhand, my way or the highway, but in the heat of the moment when I'm giving him two choices and he goes and makes another choice, I feel he is trying to take control of the situation and trying to call the shots. Right now, I'm not budging. It is one of my two choices or nothing. Otherwise, he will start pushing in other ways. What are your thoughts?

[LynnS6]

Several random thoughts here:

First, are choices even appropriate in this case? When my kids are stressed, choices make life much more difficult. Sometimes having a mantra of "it's time for your pajamas" is what works. They key here (and I will fully admit that I fail on this aspect a lot) is to maintain my calm and really repeat this as a mantra. Nothing else is discussed. If you don't engage, the argument doesn't become about the choices. In fact there is no argument, because it takes two to argue.

I also believe in 'grace' -- I think asking a child to stay in his room ALL day is a bit much. I have no problem sending him there when he's being a pain and making everyone's life miserable. And if he's there 12 times in the day, oh well. BUT, each time he comes out, the slate is wiped clean. So, each day, there are multiple opportunities for success.

Would a visual schedule help? A visual list of things to do when he's upset? My SPD kid doesn't process language very well when he's upset. Even my highly verbal kid sends a heck of a lot better than she 'receives' when she's upset. i know EXACTLY what's on her mind, but she can't 'hear' me.

when you're upset, do YOU take a 'time out'. I would set the timer and withdraw for a few minutes. Explain that you're upset and you need time to calm down. Then go back to your mantra.

[kindacrunchy]

Thanks, Lynn! Good ideas. So you are saying that when he is on fire and needs to go to his room to calm down i should have amantra like "it's time to calm down in your room" or something like that. Just say it over and over? And then help him in his room. Or are you saying a mantra for me in my head?
Time out for me? Probably not enough times. I have actually been doing a fairly good job these past few weeks of keeping myself calm and detached during these times. Since I now have a plan. But I also think that since we have been doing this for a couple of weeks, he is now starting to push to see if I am giong to give. Becaue in the past, I have abandoned tactics because things were escalating so much with both of us that I would gfo back to the drawing board. But now I have realized how that has been detrimental and I have a new conviction.

[Magella]

Originally Posted by kindacrunchy

We had a car situation last night so our evening routine was seriously messed up and my son refused to go to bed. He kept saying he wanted to fall asleep here, and there, and everywhere.

I have no idea if this is even relevant to your situation, but reading this I think of my dd. She has always had difficulty falling asleep. Some of it is anxiety, and some of it is just how her body and brain are (she's a busy-brain kind of kid at night, it's hard for her to relax and fall asleep). She thrives on predictable routine, and this is really key to helping her sleep. It is especially hard for her to fall asleep if her schedule is out of whack--an unanticipated schedule change is even harder than the anticipated changes. It's even worse if whatever brought the change to her schedule was stressful in some way (adding to the stress of the schedule change). We have very much found that a predictable routine and limiting stress go a long way toward helping dd sleep.

In addition, dd has had to be taught how to relax to sleep. When she was 6, she still needed help relaxing so that she could sleep. We would do progressive relaxation with her or tell stories that were basically guided visualizations to help her unwind (we experimented with quite a few things till we found what best helped her relax). Now at 9, she no longer needs us to help her relax but she still uses things like her recordings of guided visualizations and progressive relaxation (favorite: The Floppy Sleep Game) to relax at night. She still needs the routine and stress management.

One book I found to be very helpful was Sleepless In America by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. There were some good ideas in there for helping our dd relax to sleep, and to sleep on a more regular schedule.

[kindacrunchy]

Thanks, Magella, all things we have done in the past, yet forgot about when needed. I had been in the car for 4 1/2 hours and my back was hurting, my husband had a headache and was stressed out about how much it was going to cost this time. so, brains were not working and patience was low.
And the PMS monster is hitting. This is off topic but my doc recommended antidepressants because I told him how bad my mood swings are during that time of the month. Any suggestions to help. I literally feel I have lost a week or two of my life during my cycle.

[Magella]

Wow, that sounds like an extremely difficult day, Karen.

PMS is terrible. Mine only lasts a day or two, usually, but I do feel as though I turn into a very different person. I get very, very irritable. It is really hard to deal with, it's really hard to stay calm and deal with the kids patiently when the PMS hits. I am learning to recognize it for what it is, and to remind myself to stay calm. But it is hard. I hope the medication can help you.

[GuildJenn]

Sleep is such a hard one. My son has trouble falling asleep from time to time too (usually when the routine is off, or mealtimes were off that day).

Every now and then we have resorted to calling "rules off." Although I agree with you that sleep is important, sometimes -- I mean on the order of 2-3 times a year -- the battle is not worth it. On those nights we have sometimes let our son fall asleep on the couch or play in his room until he was asleep on the floor. In most cases we've also gone out to look at the moon and stars over the lake, since we're up anyway.

The critical thing for us is that we do it mindfully and say "rules off." This way we're not setting the expectation that it's normal.

The next day is a bear, of course. No way around that.

I don't know if this would help.