sex ed?

[greencat]

Three moms are getting together, while our children play together in a play ground. Yes, a common situation. Mom #1 has a daughter who is 5 , starting Kinder this fall. She has no sibling. Let's call her Miss Only Child. Mom #2 has two boys age 4 and 3. My kids are a girl of age 7 and a boy, age 5.

They were playing the tree shade, away from us, just like the previous. We had lunch at the park and came home after the lunch. I asked my daughter if she had a good time at the park on the way home. She takes a deep breath and says,

DD7: "Miss Only Child was keep asking the boys to show her their penis to her."

Me: "O.K., then, what happened?"

DD7: "The boy (age 4) finally pulled his pants down, and showed his to her. Then, Miss Only Child wanted to touch it."

My DS5 jumps in, and says: "And, I told her she can't."

Me: "That's right. Your body is yours, and you keep your private parts, private."


The conversation among us ended there. I assume Miss Only Child is curious, since she has no sibling to see and compare. What concerned me was the fact that Miss Only Child "Wanted to touch it." Is this somewhat normal from a child of her age, but just a curiousity?? Would you discuss this with the mother of Miss Only Child, or with the other mother of two boys?

[mommy2two babes]

I personally wouldn't even class this as a discipline issue.

I would say that this is normal curiosity at this age.
I would also say that both her Mom and the little boys Mom needs to just gently have a talk about private body places and that it's not ok for others to touch them.

Obviously you know the other Moms and I don't but I would broach it gently and non accusatory as in I think X is a bit curious about others bodies as she was asking to see and touch Xs penis.

I am nervous about these discussions because I wouldn't want to have the little girl feel bad or wrong for curiosity.

When my niece was 3 SIL called her a pervert for humping a pillow at the ILs house. I felt so bad for her

[greencat]

Yes, I could have posted on "Parenting" or "Family Safety" as well. I chose "Gentle Discipline" since my question included the concern for how the parents should speak to their child/ren about social behavior and sexuality.

MDC is a place for an affirmation for me. Thank you. I think I will speak to both of the parents about what my kids have told me. And, yes, I hope this is a question based on an innocent curiosity. It is not malice or dirty, unless we insinuate the idea that is so. Yet, the other concern I had for Miss Only Child was if she was sexually molested. I didn't think a child will ask to "Touch it" unless she was asked by someone before. However, I am overreacting.


Thank you for your reply.
greencat

[tallulahma]

well, i think that its normal curiosity. My 4 yo only has a little sister- when my friend who has a boy baby changed his diaper she got super curious.... she asked to touch it.

I think its odd for an adult to hear.... but we teach them to use touch to explore other things... everywhere you go- look at this "super cool gemstone", "can I touch it?" "sure!"

it feels off and creepy because of our society and our experiences I think. Maybe talk to the other mom and see if she could have a "not entirely appropriate to ask people to pull down their pants and touch their privates"

[MusicianDad]

It's pretty common for humans of all ages to want to touch something they have never seen before.

I think you have the right approach planned out.

[mommy2two babes]

Yes I understand your concern that she may have been touched.
I would leave that for the Mom to figure out though when she talks to her DD.
I personally would not suggest that to her Mom.

MDC is a great place to explore these issues

[greencat]

Thank you, every one.

I really hope, and I can only hope it is the natural part of children to want to "Touch" it, in sake of curiosity and exploration. It is true that some children have more need for textile satisfaction over other stimuli. I also assume too much over children's innocence exploited. So, here I am, bouncing on the MDC.

Thanks for reading.
greencat

[AbbieB]

Everything sounds normal to me.

DD (5) would love to be able to touch her brother's (22mo) penis. I have to watch closely when the kids are naked that she is not trying to cop a feel. She is just super fascinated with his different parts. Last year she would try to touch during a diaper change.

As a kid I had a similar experience as your kids did. Group of young kids playing you show me yours, I'll show you mine. I remember one other kid wanting to touch. There was nothing sexual going on.

[keilonwy]

Originally Posted by greencat

Thank you. I think I will speak to both of the parents about what my kids have told me. And, yes, I hope this is a question based on an innocent curiosity. It is not malice or dirty, unless we insinuate the idea that is so. Yet, the other concern I had for Miss Only Child was if she was sexually molested. I didn't think a child will ask to "Touch it" unless she was asked by someone before. However, I am overreacting.


Thank you for your reply.
greencat

I'm sorry that I can't think of a more refined way to say this - I'm fairly sure that if she were being abused, the last thing she'd want to do is touch another penis, kwim?

Talking to parents seems like the right thing to do to me. It's good of you to look out for other peoples' babies so vigilantly!

[Seie]

Sounds normal to me. Kids dont think of penis=something forbidden/taboo unless someone tells them that's how it is. Ofcourse being a girl she is curious and she probably just didnt know that anyone could take offence kwim.. Also kids tend to "look with their fingers". If I show my kids something and tell them to ONLY LOOK at it - you can be absolutely certain they will have their hands all over it.. My boys tend to grab eachothers "parts" when in the shower - I have told them repeatedly not to pull eachothers parts, but- well - kids dont seem to think its that big a deal really..

[JMJ]

If my child were involved in a situation like that and another parent knew, I would love to have them tell me about it in a non-judgmental way so that I could decide how to respond. Even if there is absolutely no problem with it, I would be curious to know where my children are in their development. You have obviously discussed with your children about how their genitals are their own, and they don't have to let other people touch them, and as a result, they were well prepared to deal with this situation when it arose and not afraid to talk to you about it. Keep those lines of communication open, and give the other parents the opportunity to do the same.

[greencat]

Thank you everyone. However, my current situation is getting to a bit more serious than what I previously imagined.

I had a chance to speak with the mother of the two boys, privately. She immediately understood the situation. It turned out that Miss Only Child did this before at her house to her boys. Only, the previous incident was intervened by her husband who happened to walked in the room where Miss Only Child and the boys were playing alone, and the boys had their pants down in front of her. Miss Only Child was also doing this to another boy with other family. However, this boy was older in age, and the boy's mother had thought is was her son's fault. And, two more family had complained that she was taking her clothes off in front of their boys when they were playing.

I am not a mandatory reporter, but this is starting to scare me for Miss Only Child's safety. I am going to, at least speak with the mother of Miss Only Child.

[EnviroBecca]

Yes, speak with the mother of Miss Only Child. Most likely she's only unusually curious and not understanding appropriate boundaries, but that needs to be addressed so these younger boys don't feel violated.

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by keilonwy

I'm fairly sure that if she were being abused, the last thing she'd want to do is touch another penis, kwim?

I don't think that would necessarily be true.

(But that's seperate from this situation, I don't see anything to be alarmed about here).

[SweetPotato]

I was similarly concerned a few months ago when I discovered that my 3.5 yo dd was involved in these sorts of "games" with other little girls. I immediately thought the worse, and since my dd is ALWAYS with me, I was worried about the other girls and talked with their moms in a non-confrontational way-- only to discover, upon further pobservation that my dd is often the one initiating this type of play! We've talked about it, and I know that no one has had the opportunity to "mess" with her.

I would definitely discuss it with her mother, but not necessarily assume that multiple instances/different kids somehow implies that there's anything more than a temporary fixation. Then again-- my dd is still quite little- at 5 years old I would definitely think that th emother could have a real talk with the girl and maybe get to the bottom of things.

[keilonwy]

Originally Posted by laohaire

I don't think that would necessarily be true.

(But that's seperate from this situation, I don't see anything to be alarmed about here).

As usual, I was nursing when I wrote that, and it's fairly unclear - what I meant is that it sounds more curious from what I've read. Definitely worth a non-confrontational talk with Mom!

[Shenjall]

Yeah That to the other posts on it being simple curiosity.

Now, for the advice on how to bring this up? My bff and I have had to have a few conversations along these lines with our dds (currently 6). When I encountered them "exploring" I had to bring it up to her. So we got together, and I started with, "so, I have to talk to you about something thats going to be really weird and awkward for both of us, and I just want you to know, that it's all going to be okay, and I'm okay with it all and I dont blame anyone and this is going to be a really, really awkward conversation for both of us did I mention how awkward and uncomfortable this was going to be?". But I said it all in one breath! lol Then I told her, we talked openly, no blaming each other or each others kid and it all worked out in the end. So now whenever we have a topic to broach with each other we always start off with , "so, I've got another awkward conversation for us...".


Good Luck!

[BabyMae09]

So... some people are the 'learn by doing' types.

Learning styles are with us for life, so if she has no siblings, she's wanting to 'learn by doing' which in her case, means touching. She's a hands on learner hope that don't sound perverted, I'm being totally serious!

[phathui5]

I think you handled it very well. It's not something that would worry me.

[BabyMae09]

Originally Posted by greencat

Thank you everyone. However, my current situation is getting to a bit more serious than what I previously imagined.

I had a chance to speak with the mother of the two boys, privately. She immediately understood the situation. It turned out that Miss Only Child did this before at her house to her boys. Only, the previous incident was intervened by her husband who happened to walked in the room where Miss Only Child and the boys were playing alone, and the boys had their pants down in front of her. Miss Only Child was also doing this to another boy with other family. However, this boy was older in age, and the boy's mother had thought is was her son's fault. And, two more family had complained that she was taking her clothes off in front of their boys when they were playing.

I am not a mandatory reporter, but this is starting to scare me for Miss Only Child's safety. I am going to, at least speak with the mother of Miss Only Child.

Ignore what I wrote yesterday! I had missed this post when I scanned your thread yesterday, SO sorry. Yes, I would talk to her mother. Either she needs a serious talk about personal boundaries, or something more insidious is going on - either way, I would think her mother would want to know!