"i hate you!"

[desertpenguin]

i don't know what to do as ds1 (will be 5 in Nov) has been saying this at least a couple of times every day for a couple of weeks now.

[claddaghmom]

It's a stage.

"Sweetie, please try something like I am mad at you, or I feel mad. It hurts my feelings when you say you hate me."

That or some derivative always worked for my siblings.

[LianneM]

"Hate" is DS's favorite word lately. He either loves or hates EVERYTHING. It's almost comical.

He says he hates me often, and I try to let it go, maybe frown if that is my natural reaction, but it's not personal.

[SunshineJ]

I always reply with something like "I know you're angry with me. That's ok, I still love you even if you're upset with me." Let's them know it's ok to be mad and that it won't affect how I feel about them.

[tireesix]

Originally Posted by SunshineJ

I always reply with something like "I know you're angry with me. That's ok, I still love you even if you're upset with me." Let's them know it's ok to be mad and that it won't affect how I feel about them.

This.

Its the total opposite of what my parents did for me but the children need to know that their feelings are being validated and understood etc so they can always feel free to express them and they don't bottle things up.

[oceanbaby]

Originally Posted by SunshineJ

I always reply with something like "I know you're angry with me. That's ok, I still love you even if you're upset with me." Let's them know it's ok to be mad and that it won't affect how I feel about them.

Yep.

[buttercups.nest]

all i can say is i dread this day!

[desertpenguin]

thanks everyone for the replies. the general response to let him know that it's oK to be angry etc was the kinda thing i was trying to go along with, but it's hard sometimes when it seems like i hear it 50 times a day... especially if i had ever said anything like that to my dad the response would've been very different.

[LynnS6]

I said to myself when I read this title "This child is 4 or 5".

Totally a stage. It's very appropriate to acknowledge the child's anger, and move on. Like a toddler overusing physical anger, children this age overuse verbal 'violence'.

I would also suggest that you give him good words to describe anger, frustration, disappointment, etc. The larger his emotion word vocabulary becomes, the less you'll hear this.

[sweetjasmine]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

I said to myself when I read this title "This child is 4 or 5".

Totally a stage. It's very appropriate to acknowledge the child's anger, and move on. Like a toddler overusing physical anger, children this age overuse verbal 'violence'.

I would also suggest that you give him good words to describe anger, frustration, disappointment, etc. The larger his emotion word vocabulary becomes, the less you'll hear this.

This is a good idea. I think you can let them express themselves and validate their feelings while at the same time helping them find different words so that they can learn to communicate without needlessly hurting someone's feelings, whether that's an adult or another child. Obviously, this will be a work in progress as they grow and mature.

Originally Posted by tireesix

This.

Its the total opposite of what my parents did for me but the children need to know that their feelings are being validated and understood etc so they can always feel free to express them and they don't bottle things up.

My grandson is 4 and is going through this stage. Several times a day he "hates" my daughter. Usually she doesn't take it personally but it wears on her after awhile.

[desertpenguin]

thanks again everyone for the great advice. i just need to remember to be patient because this too shall pass!

[Ruthla]

"I hate you!" is kidspeak for "I'm angry at you right now." It's much more common in 4-5yos, but I even hear it from my teens on occasion. It's never something to take personally.

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by claddaghmom

It's a stage.

"Sweetie, please try something like I am mad at you, or I feel mad. It hurts my feelings when you say you hate me."

That or some derivative always worked for my siblings.

My 4 year old has been doing this lately, as well. I generally have the same response as claddaghmom recommended. I mention it immediately that telling me she hates me hurts my feelings. This only seemed to anger her more. I suggest she tell me that what I'm doing/saying is making her angry. She only says I hate you, mommy when I've denied her something she wants. So I know she isn't hating me, she's hating that she can't have what she wants and I am the obstacle to acquiring that want. The first time she did that, it was a bit of a shock, but I didn't take it personally. Once she cools off, we talk about it, and a couple times she has cooled off and come up to me and said, I don't have you anymore, mommy. I love you again. I always make a point of saying something to the effect of, I know you're angry, but telling me you hate me hurts my feelings. Please say you're angry at me next time you are angry at me. I love you. But then, I say I love you to her quite frequently, regardless of her mood.

[LizD]

I agree with most responses but would stop short of saying it hurts your own feelings. That can be very overwhelming for a small child - it's even overwhelming for a teenager! They're wrapped up in their own feelings right now, which is ok as they're children. I don't think when they're out of control with emotion is necessarily the best time to bring in empathy (it can even make them angrier, esp older children). To the small child, Mommy and Daddy are omnipotent (which is why they get so enraged); it could be terrifying for the child to think Mommy feels the same way he does, and they don't understand that it's different. An acknowledgment of the feelings is excellent as is some opening into talking about what the problem is. But don't harp on the "I hate you;" you'll hear it now and then for quite some time.

[Shakti77]

I tell mine 'It's okay to be upset with me. You don't have to like me all the time. '. It seems to register. the other day when some other kid said the dreaded 'I hate you' to her, she just replied back with 'It's okay. You don't have to like me all the time.'

[One_Girl]

Try to address the feelings underneath the statement instead of focusing on the statement. When my dd says angry things or has a hard time expressing her feelings without yelling it is usually because I have been to grumpy and controlling for a while or because she has had a hard day and is tired. I used to view it as a stage, but I get angry and say things I don't mean to other people sometimes to so I don't think anger is a stage. I think that everyone has times when they need to work on managing their anger in ways that won't hurt other people no matter how old they are and I don't expect that dd will outgrow that, I just expect myself to be reflective about how my actions may be affecting her and making life harder than it needs to be for both of us.

[SweetPotato]

My 3.5 yo dd has been saying this a lot as well- not only to me/dh, but also to other adults who so much as look at her when she's already upset (I think she gets embarrassed). I need to work harder at not letting myself feel pressured by others to react harshly- it's one of those things where, if she says it in public or in front of someone else, there seems to be a universal "you're not going to let her talk like that!" response.

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by SweetPotato

My 3.5 yo dd has been saying this a lot as well- not only to me/dh, but also to other adults who so much as look at her when she's already upset (I think she gets embarrassed). I need to work harder at not letting myself feel pressured by others to react harshly- it's one of those things where, if she says it in public or in front of someone else, there seems to be a universal "you're not going to let her talk like that!" response.

I know the attitude of onlookers you're referring to and they just piss me off, to say the least. Get a life, peoples, and stay out of mine!

[desertpenguin]

Originally Posted by SweetPotato

there seems to be a universal "you're not going to let her talk like that!" response.

i think this is my biggest issue with dealing with this. it doesn't hurt my feelings when ds1 says he hates me because i realize that he doesn't really hate me, but subconsciously i feel pressured to handle it much differently than how i think i should. i know if my dad knew that i was "allowing ds1 to treat me that way" he would chalk it up to yet another way that i let ds1 "run wild and misbehave" and that he's bound to grow up to be disrespectful. oddly enough, the neighbors have mentioned to me that they think he is really well behaved. haha.

[GoodNamesGone]

Maybe I was wrong, but when my step son said to DH "I hate you." I piped up and said, "No you don't. You're just mad."

He got mad at me for a moment, then said I was right... he was 6 or 7 years old at the time. I want to say 7. I can't remember if he appologized or not, but it was clear that he was going for shock-factor.

Like I said, maybe how I approached it was wrong, but I felt like my partner was being attacked, and a child I cared about was making a mistake he'd regret- I lost the battle of, "just shut up."

He's a very sweet boy and wouldn't want to hurt anybody- especially family. He's 10 now, and has never said anything like that since (not that I have heard)- but he HAS said, "I'm mad at you right now." and that led to talks about why/what that were very good.