Sharing your birth story with those who didn't have a good experience

[ihugtrees]

I have several friends who had very bad birth experiences. One, after an epidural, ended up with a vacuum and very nearly had a csection. Another had an incorrectly placed catheter and still has pain with sexual intercourse 4 years later, then scheduled an elective csection for her second because of her horrible first experience. Both enouraged me to have as many medical interventions as possible, the second even telling me to demand a csection no matter what they told me because her csection was so much easier then her vaginal birth.

My birth went exactly as I'd hoped for it to go naturally, and I want to share my birth story, but I don't want to 'rub it in their faces' or make them feel badly. But I feel so sad that both these women think that natural birth is impossible and that their bodies are unable to birth correctly.

Has anyone else had this problem, and how did you deal with it?

[monkaha]

My second birth, while not as bad as the ones you describe, didn't go as I'd hoped. It made me upset for a while to hear of other births. However, I knew (and know) how wonderful it is to share one's birth story, and still listened. After about a year, it didn't sting as much, and I could be more open and happy about listening. So maybe just give them some time. If it's been a while, they may not be able to get to that point, and that's ok too. I would just wait and see if they ask how your birth went, and not share if they don't.

Congrats on your wonderful birth!

[Norasmomma]

YK I personally think it's all in how you make it to be. I mean people could think that my DD's birth was the most horrible birth ever. I had a long labor that ended up with an emergency c/s, I don't feel badly about it one bit. I went into my DD's birth without any expectations to make myself feel like a failure if anything went awry, and everything pretty much did. My only regret is not having a waterbirth, but that's life, you don't always get everything the way you want it. I know many women who have had way worse birth experiences, I guess for me I think so much of it has to do with your attitude about things. I do know there are those who have had pretty traumatic experiences and those who make everything out to be traumatic.

I now am going to have another c/s, this time scheduled because I have a fragile T-incision on my uterus, but it's ok. I had labor with DD, I felt it and I also felt when things really started taking a turn for the worse. My uterus stopped contracting and my DD started crashing(as well as me). Am I that stoked about having another c/s, uh not really but for me it's the only way because my incision is so weird.

I share my experience all the time, but for me it's to tell people that even though my experience wasn't exactly perfect it was mine and that's what happened. I guess that's maybe how you should look at it.

[MegBoz]

This is a very complicated issue.
Look at it this way - is there anything bad in your life? Say you have a lousy job where you're being abused at work (That's me). Should my friend not tell me if she gets a promotion or has some other great work experience because I'm miserable now with my career? No! I sure hope not. (OK, that just happened this afternoon! My friend's DH & I were saying how awful our jobs are when she said, "I love my job!" I said "F** You!" But, of course I was kidding.)

So - if she asks or someone else asks at a party, or birth stories are being shared by numerous people at a party, then I think it's fair for you to join the conversation & share your story! But, I agree, I wouldn't go into detail one-on-one unless they ask.

THe other issue that complicates this is - I assume your one friend is telling every Mom to get a CS! I would have a serious issue with that. I would absolutely NOT be able to sit still & keep quiet while she said to other ladies, "Vaginal birth is horrific & CS is easy. Go for CS"

I would have to say not only is CS more difficult for Mama & baby both, but vaginal birth is much much much more likely to be horrific if you have a medically-minded OB who interfers unnecessarily & therefore messes it all up (Which is all too common in America today.)

I couldn't sit still & not share the truth. (Since I KNOW most American women here nothing BUT the message that "natural birth makes as much sense as natural dentistry" anyway etc.) I really just couldn't. Could you???

[mamatolevi]

I think you are being incredibly considerate of your friends' feelings.

I would share my birth experience if they ask. (After all, they shared their horror stories didn't they?) Birth stories are a little like what the news should be - unbiased and showing both sides. Depending on how close these friends are, I'd definitely include some remarks along the lines of how teh vast majority of births are not horrific and that I'd sorry their care providers weren't competent enough not to have left them so traumatized.

[lifeguard]

I find I adjust how much detail I give about my son's birth depending on who I speak to.

Do your friend's feel badly about their births? Many of my friends feel fine about their births even though to me they do not sound like positive experiences. In this case I wouldn't censor myself at all. If I know they are sensitive about how their births turned out I'd be a little more vague about the details.

[majormajor]

i don't know your friends or how they might react to your birth story, but i can tell you about how i feel when i hear birth stories. i had an emergency c/s with my first DD (heartrate crashed just when i was ready to push and didn't come back up) and a repeat c/s with DD2 (i was hoping to VBAC but she was very badly positioned). DD1's birth was scary but still very wonderful for me, and DD2s birth was peaceful and joyous. so, i obviously have no 'issues' surrounding the births. that said, it still bugs me when i hear women telling their birth stories and taking credit for their good outcomes. as in, 'and the baby came out in 4 pushes because she was so well positioned after all the spinning babies work i did.' you can do everything right, and the sh!t can still hit the fan with birth. i did EVERYTHING right with DD1, and a vaginal birth would have killed her. DD1 didn't flip to head down until 36 weeks, so i did optimal fetal positioning work with DD2 to give myself the best chance for a VBAC, or so i figured, and she was so badly positioned that she needed 6 months of physical therapy.

actually, it's not so much the 'i did optimal fetal positioning and she was in a great position, go me' that bugs me, it's the 'i did optimal fetal positioning so of course she was in a good position.' it's when things are worded to imply that the converse (if she wasn't in a good position, i didn't do OFP) that i don't like. i'm probably being overly-sensitive to these kinds of things, so i try to just ignore any hurt feelings on my part, but it'd be nice of you to watch your wording for your friends. i would certainly appreciate it if i were your friend!

[wbg]

This is an issue I struggle with too. I have been ever so lucky to have had very positive birth experiences. I find that I try to be a really good "listener" to my friends who have not had such positive experiences. By that I try to get a sense of their experience and how sharing mine will affect them. I might then, simply share the basics and kind of steer the conversation away from the actual birth so that we can still share the intimacy of our birth experiences without it hurting. For example, I might say in response to a question about the birth....I was very blessed as things went very smoothly. A few days after she was born, DH and I had such fun bathing her with the kids etc...., so I feel like I can share aspects of my birth without highlighting aspects of it that my friend was unable to have such as intervention free etc. If I know someone had a rough time, I will only talk about my experience in detail if she asks. I try to be aware of how I word things so that they do not get misconstrued as somehow "gloating" or worse inadvertently making it seem that if someone did not have my experience it must be because they did not do it right. That being said, I am happy to share my experience in a more general forum when people are all sharing and I feel that I should be able to share my positive story as it is just that, my birth story.

[MegBoz]

Originally Posted by majormajor

it's the 'i did optimal fetal positioning so of course she was in a good position.' it's when things are worded to imply that the converse (if she wasn't in a good position, i didn't do OFP) that i don't like.

I know exactly what you mean.
Certainly some actions contribute to good outcomes, but don't guarantee it!! Just like a lack of fear about laboring contributes to manageable pain, but doesn't guaratee (therefore... horrific pain levels aren't DUE TO Mama having fear!)

I felt the same way when I went late & was stressing about it (terrified of induction!) My doula was saying, "Stress can inhibit the onset of labor." & I was PISSED! I took that to mean, "Meg, relax, stop stressing out, YOU ARE CAUSING labor to not start." That's not exactly what she was saying, but I felt accused & blamed. So, I know what you mean. It's important to be careful with those type of discussions.

[zoebird]

in general, i don't talk about my birth unless asked.

i am asked occasionally, and i've only had a problem once. it was a woman whom i didn't know very well. she had a young child (3-4 yr old), and she asked me about my birth.

it was still early (my guy was under 3 months i believe), and i told the whole deal--afterall, i love to share it and she asked! so few people ask! and so i told her.

well, she became very upset with me and even wrote an email to my coworker about it (we are a collective of yoga teachers, and while she manages the studio, she can't really 'fire' us per se). my coworker told me that this woman was very upset, and i was confused because she had asked.

then, my insightful friend told me that somepeople ask because they want to share their story with you. so, you come up with a quick line such as "oh, it was wonderful. it was only 24 hrs of easy labor." or some such, and then ask "what about you? how was your birth?" and then listen intently.

this has served me well.

also, i get my o utlet here. i posted my birth story and i've gotten a lot of positive feedback. also, my close friends, i asked them if they wanted to read it. some agreed and at least received the email.

[jennica]

Originally Posted by Norasmomma

I do know there are those who have had pretty traumatic experiences and those who make everything out to be traumatic.

Research has shown that emotional trauma does not necessarily equate to horrific events happening at the birth. Cheryl Beck, a leading researcher on birth trauma says that trauma is in the of the beholder. A straightforward vaginal birth can be horribly traumatic to the mom. An emergency crash c-section may not be perceived as traumatic. Many things go into her perception of trauma, like past trauma, pain levels, or how she was treated by her providers at the birth. So, it may not be a case of women "who make everything out to be traumatic", but rather that they perceived those events as traumatic, where you or someone else may not have.


As for the original questions, I had PTSD after my birth. When people told me their good stories or showed me their wonderful natural birth videos, I was triggered by this. I was triggered by the sounds of normal labor, the sight of pregnant women or newborns, the cries of babies, and multiple other things. It didn't have to be a bad birth to bring up strong memories and emotions of my own birth. However, I had an insatiable craving to hear about, read about and talk about the subject of birth. If you were my friend, I would have asked you about your birth. Then I would have gone home all upset and spent a therapy session talking about my feelings around it. I know that doesn't answer your question, but there is no easy answer really. I think the safe thing to do is tell your story if it naturally comes up in conversation. I would avoid sitting your friends down and telling them the story from start to finish because it doesn't sound like they would be open to that.

[Lousli]

The analogy of a crappy birth being like a crappy job is not a great one. Birth is something that most women do a very few times in their lives. Many women view it as a rite of passage and have extremely intense memories and emotions surrounding their birth experiences. Women who have had traumatic births often experience PPD, sometimes PTSD and if you read their stories here, you'll see feelings of guilt, anger, and overwhelming grief.

Personally, having had a traumatic birth experience, I would have felt as if I'd been punched in the gut if someone close to me wanted to tell me about her fabulous birth experience. Whether or not it was intended that way, I know I would have felt that it was being rubbed in my face. It has been over 4 years, and now I don't feel angry when other people have great births, but I still feel a lot of sadness, especially since it seems that we won't be having any more children, so there's no "healing" birth in my future.

To the OP, I'd wait until my friends asked me to share, and even then, make sure they wanted details and not just, "Yeah, everything was fine, no complications for mom or baby." I'd consider that they might not ever, or not for a very long time anyway, be ready to hear about how great the birth was.