I see so many posts here about people wondering how to gently talk to their friends about GD. I was wondering if maybe we could start a list of stories from people who have managed to have positive conversations with friends that have set them thinking rather than causing them to close off to your ideas.
My friend was telling me about this horribly permissive book: "How to Talk..", and I replied that I had read it and found it helpful. I think that she read it with a group and didn't like the interpretation and parenting styles of some of the other people in the group because she felt that they were not teaching their children right from wrong. I think that it provides a wonderful list of parenting techniques to add to any parent's toolbox.
We talked about spanking, and I informed her that I will never spank my children. I used a lot of "I" statements to talk about my experiences with spanking and why I see it as a negative, and she listened respectfully. When I referred to spanking as "hitting," she said that she sees spanking as different from hitting. I just said, "To me, it's not," and she did not complain when I used "spanking" and "hitting" interchangeably throughout the rest of the conversation.
When I talked about how I would choose discipline that is more consistent throughout the whole life cycle, she brought up time-outs as also something that kids would eventually outgrow. Now, I chose not to fight time-outs nearly as hard as spanking at this time. I just explained that I would do it differently. I would tell a young child that if she can not play nicely with her brother, then she may not play with her brother right now and needs to go someplace else until she is ready to play nicely again. I would also not be afraid to tell my teenage or even adult child that until he is ready to speak respectfully to me, we cannot have this conversation.
Just as we work to put things in the positive for our children, I also wanted to put things in the positive for my friend. We talked about proactive parenting and setting our children up for success. We talked about telling our child our expectations rather than telling them what they shouldn't do. She talked about needing to have a toolbox ready to know how to deal with every situation that comes up. She respects that I have worked in child care for many years and seen many different kinds of disciplines and attended many training secessions on GD techniques, and she has confidence that I will be able to discipline my children without spanking, but she is less confident in many other people who choose not to spank and don't do any other kind of discipline either. I doubt that she is ready to give up spanking yet, but she is interested in building up her toolbox, and it is my hope that perhaps she would be able to replace spanking with some of those other tools sometimes. If I had been on my toes, I would have recommended rereading "How to Talk..."
My friend was telling me about this horribly permissive book: "How to Talk..", and I replied that I had read it and found it helpful. I think that she read it with a group and didn't like the interpretation and parenting styles of some of the other people in the group because she felt that they were not teaching their children right from wrong. I think that it provides a wonderful list of parenting techniques to add to any parent's toolbox.
We talked about spanking, and I informed her that I will never spank my children. I used a lot of "I" statements to talk about my experiences with spanking and why I see it as a negative, and she listened respectfully. When I referred to spanking as "hitting," she said that she sees spanking as different from hitting. I just said, "To me, it's not," and she did not complain when I used "spanking" and "hitting" interchangeably throughout the rest of the conversation.
When I talked about how I would choose discipline that is more consistent throughout the whole life cycle, she brought up time-outs as also something that kids would eventually outgrow. Now, I chose not to fight time-outs nearly as hard as spanking at this time. I just explained that I would do it differently. I would tell a young child that if she can not play nicely with her brother, then she may not play with her brother right now and needs to go someplace else until she is ready to play nicely again. I would also not be afraid to tell my teenage or even adult child that until he is ready to speak respectfully to me, we cannot have this conversation.
Just as we work to put things in the positive for our children, I also wanted to put things in the positive for my friend. We talked about proactive parenting and setting our children up for success. We talked about telling our child our expectations rather than telling them what they shouldn't do. She talked about needing to have a toolbox ready to know how to deal with every situation that comes up. She respects that I have worked in child care for many years and seen many different kinds of disciplines and attended many training secessions on GD techniques, and she has confidence that I will be able to discipline my children without spanking, but she is less confident in many other people who choose not to spank and don't do any other kind of discipline either. I doubt that she is ready to give up spanking yet, but she is interested in building up her toolbox, and it is my hope that perhaps she would be able to replace spanking with some of those other tools sometimes. If I had been on my toes, I would have recommended rereading "How to Talk..."
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