Long story short: Was raised Catholic, left the church in college and claimed agnosticism for a while, but still studied, felt a strong connection with buddhist philosophy but wanted a community to be part of and the community practice didn't make sense in my body (I hope someone knows what I mean by that). Started attending an Episcopal church and was recieved. Married in the Epsicopal church to a "cradle Episcopalian" (whose father and grandfather were both priests). Our son is Baptized and we are currently members of a small parish. Whew, okay there's a lot more in the details, but that doesn't really pertain to my post.... so....
When I became pregnant, I developed this sense of spiritual connection to God as our Creator. But not in a "Creationist" sort of way. Probably in a way that would be more closely linked to Paganism and the goddess. I had this image in my head of a pregnant woman with the earth in her belly, and I felt that as a pregnant woman, as a woman, I was active in the creation process. I began to feel very in tune with the rest of Creation and with the divine Creator. Fast foward to post partum. I must say that this connection to Creation is the deepest spiritual connection I've ever felt. The funny thing is that not that long ago, I was looking for images to use for inspirition for a logo for my Birthing From Within work. After talking with me, my brother suggested that I google "Gaia" and every image just resonated so closely with the image that I had in mind and I had never even heard of Gaia. "Mother Earth" yes, but not really in a pagan/goddess sort of way. The fact that these images were so close to an image that I had all on my own really rocked me. I've always enjoyed theology... the theology of the Christian church and Buddhist theology, etc. But this is different. This isn't about theology. This is connection. It makes sense in my body in a way that I don't really feel a need to put into theology/doctrine. So why am I writing this post, you ask? Because I feel myself coming to a place where I want to say that it's okay that I'm not a Christian... even writing those words on this board is kind of strange for me. When I went through my agnostic phase before, it was more like a "young adult coming into her own" sort of thing. Except that I ended up almost back where I started. Now, it's different. I am uncomfortable with Christianity. I do not relate to it. Parts of it, yes. But every time I go to church, I hear something in the scripture, liturgy, or sermon that makes feel, "this doesn't make sense. How can I put my faith in this?" So I gave myself permission not to go to church if I don't want to. I still go occasionally because DH goes and he connects with Christianity. It makes sense for him. Every time I bring it up, I feel like he's not really getting what I'm trying to say. But I think that's because I'm having a hard time saying anything definite. I usually say something like, "I don't feel a connection with Christianity." But I can't bring myself to say "I'm not Christian" or "I don't believe in Jesus." If you've read The Four Agreements, I'm just sure it has to do with his idea of the "domestication of humans" and previous agreements that I've made about religion. Anyway, the struggle for me, is that I would like to have a community of people IRL that relate to this spiritual connection that I've got. I looked at a couple of UU churches in town, but DH is not interested in attending a UU church. He feels a strong connection to the Epsicopal church and does not want to leave. And I get the feeling that he thinks if we just found the "right" episcopal church, that I'd be happy. I'm not sure how I feel about going to a different church/religious group/whatever from DH. The other struggle that I have is that I don't want DS to be "indoctrinated" into believing one way or the other about religion/spirituality. Here in the last few weeks, my dad (devout Catholic) has been trying to get DS to say prayers before meals when we're visiting. It's kind of silly because DS is only 16 months, but dad will say things like "thank baby Jesus" or he'll move DS's hand in the sign of the cross. I'm really uncomfortable with this, but I haven't really built up the guts to say anything about it to him. My last struggle is that I live in a very conservative area of the bible belt (there are about 10 Christian churches of various denominations within 2 miles of my house, but I only know of a 3-4 non Christian communities in my entire metropolitan area). So finding support for where I'm at spiritually is not a real easy thing to do considering where I'm at geographically.
Anyway, I'm not entirely sure what I'm asking. Maybe just for insight. Maybe just for someone to listen and really understand me. Maybe I'm just looking for a safe place to say "I'm not Christian." Maybe all of the above. I don't know. But at any rate, thank you for listening.
When I became pregnant, I developed this sense of spiritual connection to God as our Creator. But not in a "Creationist" sort of way. Probably in a way that would be more closely linked to Paganism and the goddess. I had this image in my head of a pregnant woman with the earth in her belly, and I felt that as a pregnant woman, as a woman, I was active in the creation process. I began to feel very in tune with the rest of Creation and with the divine Creator. Fast foward to post partum. I must say that this connection to Creation is the deepest spiritual connection I've ever felt. The funny thing is that not that long ago, I was looking for images to use for inspirition for a logo for my Birthing From Within work. After talking with me, my brother suggested that I google "Gaia" and every image just resonated so closely with the image that I had in mind and I had never even heard of Gaia. "Mother Earth" yes, but not really in a pagan/goddess sort of way. The fact that these images were so close to an image that I had all on my own really rocked me. I've always enjoyed theology... the theology of the Christian church and Buddhist theology, etc. But this is different. This isn't about theology. This is connection. It makes sense in my body in a way that I don't really feel a need to put into theology/doctrine. So why am I writing this post, you ask? Because I feel myself coming to a place where I want to say that it's okay that I'm not a Christian... even writing those words on this board is kind of strange for me. When I went through my agnostic phase before, it was more like a "young adult coming into her own" sort of thing. Except that I ended up almost back where I started. Now, it's different. I am uncomfortable with Christianity. I do not relate to it. Parts of it, yes. But every time I go to church, I hear something in the scripture, liturgy, or sermon that makes feel, "this doesn't make sense. How can I put my faith in this?" So I gave myself permission not to go to church if I don't want to. I still go occasionally because DH goes and he connects with Christianity. It makes sense for him. Every time I bring it up, I feel like he's not really getting what I'm trying to say. But I think that's because I'm having a hard time saying anything definite. I usually say something like, "I don't feel a connection with Christianity." But I can't bring myself to say "I'm not Christian" or "I don't believe in Jesus." If you've read The Four Agreements, I'm just sure it has to do with his idea of the "domestication of humans" and previous agreements that I've made about religion. Anyway, the struggle for me, is that I would like to have a community of people IRL that relate to this spiritual connection that I've got. I looked at a couple of UU churches in town, but DH is not interested in attending a UU church. He feels a strong connection to the Epsicopal church and does not want to leave. And I get the feeling that he thinks if we just found the "right" episcopal church, that I'd be happy. I'm not sure how I feel about going to a different church/religious group/whatever from DH. The other struggle that I have is that I don't want DS to be "indoctrinated" into believing one way or the other about religion/spirituality. Here in the last few weeks, my dad (devout Catholic) has been trying to get DS to say prayers before meals when we're visiting. It's kind of silly because DS is only 16 months, but dad will say things like "thank baby Jesus" or he'll move DS's hand in the sign of the cross. I'm really uncomfortable with this, but I haven't really built up the guts to say anything about it to him. My last struggle is that I live in a very conservative area of the bible belt (there are about 10 Christian churches of various denominations within 2 miles of my house, but I only know of a 3-4 non Christian communities in my entire metropolitan area). So finding support for where I'm at spiritually is not a real easy thing to do considering where I'm at geographically.
Anyway, I'm not entirely sure what I'm asking. Maybe just for insight. Maybe just for someone to listen and really understand me. Maybe I'm just looking for a safe place to say "I'm not Christian." Maybe all of the above. I don't know. But at any rate, thank you for listening.
