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What do you think of this Surname Debate? - Page 4

post #61 of 111
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post

or Klown-Brann... sounds like a really terrible cereal marketed to kids.
post #62 of 111
I am another woman who kept her name after marriage, and my husband and I decided our children would have my last name. (His last name is their middle name.) So far we have had zero problems. I do like having the siblings with the same last name - if I were in your situation I would continue with the naming pattern you have already established, and find a nice way to honor your DH's dad in a different way.
post #63 of 111
Originally Posted by Barefoot Farmer View Post
Hyphenating isn't really an option; our children's last names would be about 13 letters long and nightmarish; and I do like the "style" of one last name.
Only 13? That's not bad... My one last name is 11. If we had hyphenated it would have been 18.

I wanted everyone to have the same last name so I wouldn't give your babies a different last name than dd or do a gender split. I'd consider naming one of the boys after the grandfather. Or giving both boys his name as a middle name. Or one boy could have his first name and the other his middle name with all kids having his surname as a middle name or a hyphenated name.
post #64 of 111
I'm loving the bribery possibilities, LOL!

We did a blend of our former names. Mine was common, along the lines of Miller. His was less common, but not obscure, and ethnically marked and quite lovely (say O'Leary). But he insisted on not going the patriarchal route so we are The Newnames.

I know you don't like this idea but for us, it has been great. We are the only Newnames in the world, which is very cool. Newname is along the lines of O'Miller; it now sounds vaguely non-Anglo Saxon, but the origins are unclear. We've been taken for Irish, Italians, Germans, and possibly something I'm forgetting.

For me, it was important that we all have the same last night. I didn't want anyone to be the odd one out and DH felt the same way. It's like we are a brand new "team" which we both really like. Sure, not everyone feels that way, but for us, that was important.

Being the only Newnames has turned out to be extraordinarily satisfying. Of course, now I want our kids to keep their names when they get married!
post #65 of 111
One thing I can tell you is that as a kid, I hated my parents having a different last name than me. As such, it was important to me as an adult for everyone in the household to have the same last name. Could you all take the new last name?
post #66 of 111
Growing up... I was my moms second oldest and my fathers second youngest... my fathers oldest had a different last name from the rest of his kids (6 of us with the same name, 1 with her mothers last name) my mothers 5 kids had 3 different last names (oldest had his fathers name, his father died when my brother was only a few months old... two youngest have their fathers last name)

I never ever gave it a second thought nor did anyone I talked to that when my baby sister and I would hang out... our names are nothing alike but we both look very alike... everyone still knew we were sisters. For the most part... last names really dont matter until you get down to legal stuff and military.

My thought? Give them the name that is further up in the alphabet, they will be closer to the front in classes that are seated by last name :P
post #67 of 111
Honestly, I would stick to the deal. You've already named one child that way.

For what it's worth, I kept my last name, but we gave DS DH's last name. (My last name is one of his middle names). DH offered to change his name to mine. And he offered to give the kids my last name. And he offered to do the gender split. (Really, who could help but love this guy?) But none of that was important to me. What was important to me was keeping my name. But for you, something different is important. And you all made a deal based on what was important to you and that hasn't changed.

It does seem like it would be nice to find a way to honor the connection with newly discovered biological father. Can you do that through middle names?

post #68 of 111
Originally Posted by gsd1amommy View Post
Did I miss somewhere that it was the bio-dad's/step-dad's deception? It is entirely possible that her MIL was not truthful. Why the leap?
He raised his son from age 8 on, but ostensibly as his step-son. So it wasn't just the MIL's omission.
post #69 of 111
Originally Posted by phathui5 View Post
One thing I can tell you is that as a kid, I hated my parents having a different last name than me. As such, it was important to me as an adult for everyone in the household to have the same last name. Could you all take the new last name?

Why? I kept my name; the kids don't seem to have a problem with it.

A couple of years ago, a librarian asked me why dh and I have different last names. I said, "because it's 2007." She didn't know what to say!!
post #70 of 111
Originally Posted by A&A View Post
Why? I kept my name; the kids don't seem to have a problem with it.

A couple of years ago, a librarian asked me why dh and I have different last names. I said, "because it's 2007." She didn't know what to say!!
My aunt and uncle married circa 83, and she didn't change her name. She just didn't like the way they sounded together. I took DH's last name because it sounded better to me, and was shorter. No in-depth thought involved.
post #71 of 111
I kept my name and the kid (soon to be kids) have my last name. It was in part a feminist decision on my part, but also practical. As the primary caregiver it is simpler for me to have the same last name as the kids. I'm the one dealing with the doctor, the school, etc. It's less confusing if the kids and I have the same last name.

Ds and the new baby both have a family name from dh's side as their middle name. Ds's middle name is dh's grandmother's maiden name and new baby's middle name will be MIL's maiden name.
post #72 of 111
Originally Posted by Barefoot Farmer View Post
2. DD is 6 years old and has my last name. I'm not thrilled with the idea of some of my children having some last name, and some of my children having another; unless I divide it by gender???
This is what we've done, actually, and I know several other couples who have given their kids different last names. Ours happen to be divided by gender (dd has my last name, ds has dh's), but that wasn't planned; if we have a 3rd, we'll likely flip a coin or see which last name works better with the first name choices!

Each of our kids has the other parent's last name as a 2nd middle name, so both names are there. We also wanted them to be able to choose to use both last names etc once they're old enough.

My mom remarried when I was a kid, so my sister and I had diff last names to her and our brothers. But it was never a big deal--everyone knew we were siblings, and the biggest complication was correcting our friends who called her "Mrs Mylastname" the first time they met. Mixed families are so common these days.
post #73 of 111
I would say in this case I would have to hyphenate even though I really don't like the idea of doing that. This is only way I can think that all of your children can have the same last name. Then neither one of you has to win or lose. You are both in your children and their names.
Or I would give up on this particular feminist idea and give all the kids DH's last name, including older daughter. That way DH can feel he is passing on the name of the father he actually has and since you have no deep ties to your last name either.
Just my thoughts :-)

P.S. Our experience with this: My partner has two older brothers and they have a different dad from her and her younger brother, as teens they took her dad's last name. As an adult her 2nd oldest brother reverted back to his father's last name (though he hates his dad and is getting married in 3 months and changing his name again). So of the 4 kids, 3 have the same last name now, and 1 different. And actually the younger two kids did not know older two were not "full" brothers until they were in middle school because they all had the same last name!
post #74 of 111
I dunno. I could see siblings with different last names getting quite tired of explaining to people (schoolmates, etc), "yes that's my brother, yes we have the same dad, blah blah".

I personally would want all my kids to have the same last name unless they have different dads. I really regret not giving DD my last name. Like you said, they come out of your body, you deserve to give them YOUR name.
post #75 of 111
I have a different last name than anyone in my family. My mom said that she realized, when she gave birth to me, that I was hers to guide into adulthood, but ultimately I was my own person - belonging to no one but myself. So, she gave me a new last name - that she created, having no relation to anyone in the family. Signifying that I was my own person.

I always thought that was very cool, as a kid, and loved having my very own last name. It was especially "revolutionary" of my mom because we come from a culture where EVERY woman changes her last name to the man's, and the father "giving away" his daughter into her husband's "keeping" is still a very strong tradition. So, it was very cool and very "radical" of my mom to break out of it and give me my own "independence" ... in a very symbolic way.

We're trying for our first, and we're toying with the idea of either giving our child their own last name or somehow combining ours.

However, it's not that important to us that we all have the same last name.

I would try to compromise on this. Maybe create a combination from your two last names, or hyphenate (the amount of letters you mentioned isn't that much at all), or make a totally new one.
post #76 of 111
I don't agree with the same last name equal unity either.

My friends kept seperate last name because her name would have been the same name as someone that is now serving life in prision. Husband's cousin name. They wanted to avoid possible issues. Now their children son has dad's last name -dad won coin toss. Second child was her last name because dad one coin toss on first child. (How is that for decission making?)

My son's last name is from his bio-dad. We worried about the unity thing so I hyphanated my last last name 1st husband - 2nd husband. Our girls have their biodad's last name.

Neither of our families are suffering from unity issues.

Occassional question but now days it is so common.

I would personally give one boy one girl dad's name and one mom's last name or go for an all new name.

My last name is 14 letters. Only a few more letter than my madian name.
post #77 of 111
Our son has both of our last names, no hyphen. It sounds fine, but it is 13 letters long. No problems so far.

In your shoes, I might choose a new last name for the whole family, possibly something that blends the two 'main' names, or just keep the formula you used for your daughter with your DH's last name as a second middle name.
post #78 of 111
I would give all the kids dh's last name. Perhaps there is some deeper emotional work that needs to happen, but after living life for 31 years and probably feeling in some ways less than or whatever, he finally has truth and wants his children to reflect his truth. He wouldn't care when he made the agreement because the name had no significance, now it does and it means A LOT to him. When it comes to feminist ideals, it doesn't seem to me that choosing a man's name over your own because it is hugely important to him is abandoning your ideals, but rather putting people (and their real feelings) ahead of your own desires. In a marriage, doesn't it usually work out better when we put others ahead of ourselves (obviously not in an abusive situation, but I;ve found when I focus on meeting my husband's needs, he tries and focuses on meeting my needs).
post #79 of 111
Originally Posted by Evergreen View Post
Since you are open to a split I think I would just give the triplet whose name sounds best with your last name yours and the other two dh's. You'll both have two and two.
I agree with this. My last name is hyphented. My oldest DD has my maiden name, the younger two have their fathers last name.

I don't agree with the same last name equal unity either.
I totally agree with this. No unity problems here...
post #80 of 111
In my brand of logic it seems most logical to keep your agreement, though with the triplets give them the new middle name as their father's surname.

DH and I kept our own names. DC have hyphenated last names. My name first. My DC who are old enough have both asked to only use my name now.

The original plan was to choose a name for our family (between the two). DH renigged on it. So, I kept my name, etc. etc. and so forth with the rest of the story. We were already married at that point.

That may be the one thing that I'd go back and change. He kept on saying he'd do it, he'd do it (just a simple form) however he did not. One excuse after another until he felt enough people knew him in his career that he couldn't change it any longer.

Which I think is rudiculous up to a point because NOBODY questions that it is 'tough'
for a woman established in a career to change her name. It's just done. Grr....

It is also most definitely possible to change your name as an entire family. My parents actually did that. My father shortened his for business purposes.
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