Helping 5 y.o. DS deal with anger

[LuckyMommaToo]

I'm looking for ideas to help my DS (who'll be six in Sept) deal with his anger. Right now he lashes out verbally at the family. It's completely unacceptable, but I'm having trouble coming up with other ideas for him.

And, FWIW, any kind of time-out has been a disaster for him always. As an extrovert, he sees it as an extreme punishment, and when, out of desperation, I have tried it, I literally have to hold the door closed while he kicks it. So that route probably isn't the right one. Are there any other ideas of how he can acceptably express his anger and then move on?
thanks,
-e

[erynw]

Wondering what helped you with this situation? My ds is 5.5 and we are dealing with a very similar situation and I am looking for ideas. He is also extremely extroverted.

I have to believe this is a phase which will be over soon(ish) but would love to hear about your experience.

Thanks!

Eryn

[AllisonR]

What kind of verbal anger do you mean? Some examples might help. For instance, instead of hitting or saying "I hate you jerk..."  I'd much rather have my 6yo say "I am so angry at you DD for just taking my ariplane. I am playing with it now." These are the kind of words I actually encourage, as I think peopke should express their feelings, and have a right to. Also it can lead to better expressions. For example if my son says only "don't take it" I might ask him how he feels, or even give him ideas of words to use, like do you feel angry or frustrated or annoyed.... and why? And I don't think all 6 yo's will have the polish to say "I feel disrespected when you just take an item without asking permission. I am using this as a prop in my theatre right now, so I would appreciate if you play with something else." But again, I think I need examples to know what you are talking about.

[meemee]

is this typical behaviour? or is it really way more intense than it has been before. 

at this point i would not turn this into a teaching moment. they are way far gone to teach. 

i call this the first signs of prepuberty. 

it is the beginning of a huge spurt - emotional and otherwise. the emotions  i  feel are due to hormonal changes.

as my dd told me - mama i feel like there's another person inside me making me do things. i know i am not supposed to do this, but i cant help myself. 

so i did nothing but be there and support her. it was her worst moment and her hitting also came back. it is a v. confusing and scary time for them. sometimes she wanted me to be there next to her. sometimes she wanted to be alone and shut herself up. i let her do what she wants. 

sometimes much later after she'd calmed down i'd tell her 'u know that was not appropriate...' and she'd say i know ma, but i cant help myself..... i'd tell her then to be careful. words could hurt even more than a slap. and once its out it can never be taken back. so its better to go hide out ur anger than say anything. 

it took a huge while and didnt happen when she was going thru the phase but later that's what she does. even at school. and thankfully her teachers have always given her the space to be alone or sit apart from the kids till seh feels better. 

sometimes when she is upset now and i try to talk to her seh tells me ma i need to be alone now otherwise i will say something i will regret later. at 7 i saw the spurt for dd's conscience development and saw how she was her worst enemy. i didnt need to punish her ever (i have never done so) because she was far harder on herself than i could ever be. 

dd used to be so frustrated she'd say things like 'ma i am speaking to you, telling you things but u dont understand. WHY DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND? i am speaking english.' poor thing. she hadnt told me the whole story for me to understand the point of what she was saying. 

so what i'd say is have patience. dont jump to punishments. dont talk to him when he is in the middle of his hard time. talk to him later. 

i feel 5 was the age when for me parenting changed. its more about guiding and giving the kids the space to learn. sometimes my silence has been the biggest 'punishment'. after dd had her fit she'd tell me when i just sat quietly - i know mama i wasnt supposed to do that... i know its not a kind/nice thing to do... but i just could not... for me that realisation was v. v. important. 

at 6 dd started BO and that's when i saw the end of the phase. 

dd still goes thru her hard times once in a while. but she has discovered coping skills and she visibly gets upset. she has told her classmates and teachers to please leave her alone as she copes. and they do. so i feel just guiding our kids will be very helpful for them. 

dont think just coz they repeat the action they dont regret it. 

also after that phase was over - dd was a changed child. huge maturity level jump. huge. more understanding. it felt strange to hear her say OK when i said no. after that phase it felt more like two people talking, rather than me telling her. the body change came more around 7 - 8 (in fact with all her classmates, they pretty much followed hte same time line. some were a little earlier than the others).

[LuckyMommaToo]

Funny for me to see a two-year-old post of mine pop up! Around age 7, DS really matured. I guess when they called seven "the age of reason" they knew what they were talking about!

He is still quick to anger, but it blows over much more easily, and he is genuinely remorseful now, without me having to "guilt trip" him into it. After reading some studies that physically expressing anger doesn't help (adults) and actually makes them hold on to anger, I have discouraged him from, say, punching pillows.

So, I try to really hear him out all the way when he's angry without much comment. For a five-year-old, I would say consistent response. Repeat ad nauseum. ("In our family we don't scream at each other. Please tell me calmly what you need." Or whatever.) It is frustrating. I sympathize!

-e (OP)

[erynw]

Thanks for all the replies! It's been a tough week but I am feeling so much better about what we are going through thanks to your stories and suggestions.

DS has typically been a reasonable and rational little guy with tantrums being few and far between and never a huge deal. I think that is part of what took me by such surprise. So it's definitely not typical behaviour and is out of the ordinary, but as suggested, I now believe he is going through a very important developmental stage. Having very strong and powerful feelings and not knowing how to express or deal with them. During the tantrum was definitely not the time to work on the issues, as mentioned. What seemed to work was talking to him about it when we were connecting over a book, or chatting after supper.

We've been talking a lot about more appropriate ways to express these feelings and since the initial major incident (which was preceded by a couple weeks of small-ish anger issues) that I posted about there has been another one but it was much less severe and it was over very quickly.

One other thing I have realized is that they tend to occur when tired and/or hungry. DS hasn't been getting enough sleep lately and I think that is a major factor. We've been getting him to bed earlier and the last 3 days have gone much better overall so I am hopeful. Still need to help him learn ways of dealing with the powerful feelings but there are ways we, as his parents, can help too.

Thanks again to all of you.

[arlenemad]

Hi LuckyMamaToo! I'm glad to hear that your kid has now improved from his behavior a year ago. What type of books and research did you do? I myself am on the prowl for good resources about parenting. Currently I'm reading one called Growing Up Children (check it out at http://www.growingupchildren.com). Do you have other suggestions? Thanks!