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Toddler screaming for over an hour in a store - Page 6

post #101 of 186
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by rainyday View Post
. In reality, though, the situations that people have posted on here about their own children crying in stores strike me in almost all cases (skipped a couple of pages of this thread) as pretty different from what you described. There's a big difference between a couple of frazzled parents frantically trying to grab some needed things and get out of the store and the situation you described. Worlds apart.
Exactly. And I truly do feel for the parents who have posted about their own situations. But yes, they are completely different from what I posted about. I have a huge, huge heart and alot of empathy for others. I do not set out to the grocery store to see how many people or situations I can judge. Sometimes, however, situations just smack you right in the face and who can help but pay attention and sometimes judge? As a pp poster said, we are human, and that is what we do. Like it or not.
post #102 of 186
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post #103 of 186
Quote:
Originally Posted by magstphil View Post
The judgment on this thread. :

These thread always make me laugh. You got a poster venting about whatever not necessarily saying the parents are evil or horrible or need to be shot but being judgmental, yes. We're human, it's what we do. But then you get the real judgment- "how dare you judge! Why I think I am going to sit here and judge you harshly for judging." and that is different how?.... And it often gets blown out of proportion as if this mom said in her OP these people should have their child ripped away from them.




We can't just leave it at "I disagree. This could be a different way to look at it _____"? Why the personal comments about the posters who are suspicious/annoyed by the behavior in the OP? We can't just give the benefit of the doubt in both cases and look on both sides?

I dunno I just think maybe we should all take a step back and really think about the people involved on all sides.
To me, if anyone should understand what its like to have a kid freaking out, it'd be another mother. Someone who is in the thick of it still. There have been a TON of posts here saying what bad parents these people are. I just get sick of all the "OMGZ check out the bad parents I saw today!" posts. They make me feel sad for the families.

I don't think anyone here is saying it's not horribly annoying to hear a screaming child. But the "I would just walk right over and tell them to leave". Serious? that's so awful!
post #104 of 186
Quote:
Originally Posted by felix23 View Post
Well, count yourself very lucky that you have the support so that you didn't have to leave the house for the first six months. I had a child that screamed for the first year and it was impossible for me to keep her at home all the time for a year. We live in the country, a good drive from the store, so there was no leaving and coming back another time, we couldn't afford the gas. Crying children used to annnoy me, but now I just have compassion for both the parents and the child.
'
I didn't say I don't have compassion, but that does not give anyone the right to be that rude to every single other shopper in a store by letting your kid scream in a store for an hour! There is just no way this is acceptable behaviour! And crying children don't just annoy me, they greatly upset my 5 and 2 year olds, which is something they shouldn't have to put up with either.
post #105 of 186
Quote:
Originally Posted by AverysMomma View Post
^This. (and mama....you are a warrior, ...I'm always glad to meet mamas like you.)

I want to say, that the above post is what I meant, when I said that I always try to give an encouraging smile and understanding to parents in this position...because you REALLY DON'T know what the true story is.

Sometimes I get mad, just burned up....because it's obvious the parent thinks it's funny, doesn't care..whatever...but then I think "What if this woman is REALLY embarassed and THAT is why she's laughing it off?" - and I jsut mind my own business.

The bottom line is...it doesn't really matter what the situation was...it doesn't really matter what the hidden reasons or non-reasons were behind this annoyance to other shoppers....kindness, it what really matters.

Kindness gets you a long way, I've learned. Kindness, in the face of a situation where you really don't even HAVE to be kind...where most people would say that you have a right to be UNKIND...gets you even further, at least in my book.

If you can't be understanding with people like this, on the off chance that there is a real, legit reason for their behavior....at least pity them, for their apparent lack of social awareness, which would cause any of us, if we could, to take a crying kid outside.

We are parents here. Everyone remembers the preparent days, where you saw a kid melt down in the store and thought "not my kids, when I have kids they will not behave like that" - then you have kids and all sorts of things you didn't understand, judged, etc are thrown in your face and sometimes you have to laugh at ever having judged those parents. And you can see, in the faces of people with no kids, who don't get it...those same judgements and you have to laugh it off, because you think to yourself "well, you don't have kids, those of us with kids, get it" - so...BE that. Be the "those of us with kids" and recognize that sometimes it's not clear to everyone else what's going on. Trust that what your kids are capable of doing to you (making you look like a complete jerk in public) other peoples kids are capable of doing to them.

Kindness can never be wasted. Best case scenario...you give a small boost of confidence to a mama who feels like running out into traffic over what her kid is doing and is so embarassed and just wants to sink into the floor....WORST case scenario...the mama is really ebing a jerk and just doesn't care...and YOU practiced tolerance and put POSITIVE vibes out in to the world anyway!

How can you lose, when you choose kindness, compassion and accept that, as a mere mortal human...you CAN'T see all reasons for all things??

But being kind goes both ways, and letting your kid scream for an hour in a store is not kind.

And seriously, I've been there, like I said, Kincaid literally screamed for the first 6 months of his life, all day, every day, nothing I did helped at all. He is autistic, little things can still set him off even at 5 (one of the biggest being another kid screaming! Doesn't he deserve this same kindness to not have to deal with it?), when that happens, we leave, it's my job to deal with it, not every other person who happens to be in the same place of business as us.
post #106 of 186
Quote:
Originally Posted by *Aimee* View Post
To me, if anyone should understand what its like to have a kid freaking out, it'd be another mother. Someone who is in the thick of it still. There have been a TON of posts here saying what bad parents these people are. I just get sick of all the "OMGZ check out the bad parents I saw today!" posts. They make me feel sad for the families.
I get that. But as the OP stated she was just wondering why if there were two parents one didn't take the toddler out. I actually think that is a valid question. Now that doesn't mean I think she or anyone else has the right to sit and say these parents are bad or go up to them and say something rude but it does make me wonder why if there were TWO parents they just went on with it and for an hour no less. There could be a million reasons which is why the blind judgment is never a good idea but I guess I just don't see it as these posters really coming down hard on the parents- especially the OP.

And hey I am sick of threads like that too but it is what it is and they really do tend to turn into one big cesspool of judgment on both sides. I just feel like not all people who come here venting about others are doing so to feel superior or are looking down their nose. Sometimes people just need to vent.
post #107 of 186
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cinder View Post
'
I didn't say I don't have compassion, but that does not give anyone the right to be that rude to every single other shopper in a store by letting your kid scream in a store for an hour! There is just no way this is acceptable behaviour! And crying children don't just annoy me, they greatly upset my 5 and 2 year olds, which is something they shouldn't have to put up with either.
Well, I'm open for suggestions on what exactly I should have done when I :

~ couldn't leave the store for an hour because we were waiting for the car
~ couldn't take her outside because it was pouring rain
~ she wasn't hungry, tired, thirsty, she just wanted us to buy every item she pointed to, which we can't afford to do.
~ picking her up and trying to talk to her only made her scream worse, she is actually quieter when we don't talk to her.


So, what should I have done?
post #108 of 186
Quote:
Originally Posted by felix23 View Post
Well, I'm open for suggestions on what exactly I should have done when I :

~ couldn't leave the store for an hour because we were waiting for the car
~ couldn't take her outside because it was pouring rain
~ she wasn't hungry, tired, thirsty, she just wanted us to buy every item she pointed to, which we can't afford to do.
~ picking her up and trying to talk to her only made her scream worse, she is actually quieter when we don't talk to her.


So, what should I have done?
I've bought a blanket and taken my screaming baby outside in the rain before. I know how horribly sceaming effects my son, so I don't subject others to it... I don't get why this kindness that should be shown for the screaming child shouldn't be extended to everyone... I know I for one have been there, with a kid who screams for hours on end and nothing can comfort him, and I know the last thing I want to do is cause the same pain for another parent and child, which is exactly what letting your kid scream for an hour in the store we are in would do (though, I also wouldn't let that happen, cause I'd leave before the kid had screamed for 10 minutes straight if Kincaid was with me...).

Seriously, Kincaid would be way less upset and offended by some random stranger walking up to him and slapping him across the face than he is by babies screaming uncontrollably, fire alarms, loud fans...just some examples.
post #109 of 186
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cinder View Post
I've bought a blanket and taken my screaming baby outside in the rain before. I know how horribly sceaming effects my son, so I don't subject others to it... I don't get why this kindness that should be shown for the screaming child shouldn't be extended to everyone... I know I for one have been there, with a kid who screams for hours on end and nothing can comfort him, and I know the last thing I want to do is cause the same pain for another parent and child, which is exactly what letting your kid scream for an hour in the store we are in would do (though, I also wouldn't let that happen, cause I'd leave before the kid had screamed for 10 minutes straight if Kincaid was with me...).

Seriously, Kincaid would be way less upset and offended by some random stranger walking up to him and slapping him across the face than he is by babies screaming uncontrollably, fire alarms, loud fans...just some examples.

I'm sorry, I'm just not going to force my child to stand out in the cold rain, I'm just not. I'm sorry you would have had to leave the store, but at least you have the ability to do so, I didn't.

When Lilly was small, children who laughed and talked loud would have sent her into a crying fit, there is no way I would have expected the parents of loud children to just leave. This is a store, not a library, it is going to be loud, so I only took her when absolutly necessary, and then I was prepared for her to cry. It sucked, but it was life.
post #110 of 186
Quote:
I know how horribly sceaming effects my son, so I don't subject others to it... I don't get why this kindness that should be shown for the screaming child shouldn't be extended to everyone... I know I for one have been there, with a kid who screams for hours on end and nothing can comfort him, and I know the last thing I want to do is cause the same pain for another parent and child, which is exactly what letting your kid scream for an hour in the store we are in would do (though, I also wouldn't let that happen, cause I'd leave before the kid had screamed for 10 minutes straight if Kincaid was with me...).
Maybe, if you are so sensitive to it, *you* should be the ones to leave if there is a screaming kid, and do so peacefully, without any ill will to those who do not share your family's sensitivities or perspective. It is enlightening to others to hear about other people's sensitivites- it broadens our awareness- but nevertheless, after reading what you've written, I still don't think being in a public place means you need to consider every possible thing which could be offensive to another person and avoid it- that would make me a nervous WRECK, if I had to consider myself "insensitive or rude" because out of ignorance or difference of opinion I was "bothering" others. I do think that by entering a public place, you make certain concessions about what you will put up with graciously, as opposed to how you would do things in your own personal environment...???
post #111 of 186
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cinder View Post
I've bought a blanket and taken my screaming baby outside in the rain before. .
I wouldn't have the money for an unexpected expense like that. If I'd just abruptly changed the scenery like that, my daughter would probably have had one of her turning blue/seizure episodes (no, not on purpose. rough transitions were a trigger. also: water in her face, rain=bad. so now what she I have done, with no food in the house and needing to buy some or go hungry?
post #112 of 186
Quote:
Originally Posted by momma_unlimited View Post
Maybe, if you are so sensitive to it, *you* should be the ones to leave if there is a screaming kid, and do so peacefully, without any ill will to those who do not share your family's sensitivities or perspective. It is enlightening to others to hear about other people's sensitivites- it broadens our awareness- but nevertheless, after reading what you've written, I still don't think being in a public place means you need to consider every possible thing which could be offensive to another person and avoid it- that would make me a nervous WRECK, if I had to consider myself "insensitive or rude" because out of ignorance or difference of opinion I was "bothering" others. I do think that by entering a public place, you make certain concessions about what you will put up with graciously, as opposed to how you would do things in your own personal environment...???
I did say that I leave, I always leave, I definitely don't go looking for the kid who is screaming, I have never once in my life commented to someone on their parenting (well, except the time my dh called the cops on the woman beating her kid with a pop bottle in a walgreens parking lot, but that's different), never, and I never will. But I leave in both instances, if my kid is the one screaming or if it's another kid, cause I do not think everyone else should have to be exposed to my screaming child, it's rude to think so!
post #113 of 186
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cinder View Post
I did say that I leave, I always leave, I definitely don't go looking for the kid who is screaming, I have never once in my life commented to someone on their parenting (well, except the time my dh called the cops on the woman beating her kid with a pop bottle in a walgreens parking lot, but that's different), never, and I never will. But I leave in both instances, if my kid is the one screaming or if it's another kid, cause I do not think everyone else should have to be exposed to my screaming child, it's rude to think so!
But you have the ability to leave and come back later, not every one can do that. People who ride the bus or depend of friends to drive them can't always do that. Some people have to continue on with a crying child if they want to have food in the house.
post #114 of 186
Quote:
I did say that I leave, I always leave, I definitely don't go looking for the kid who is screaming, I have never once in my life commented to someone on their parenting (well, except the time my dh called the cops on the woman beating her kid with a pop bottle in a walgreens parking lot, but that's different), never, and I never will. But I leave in both instances, if my kid is the one screaming or if it's another kid, cause I do not think everyone else should have to be exposed to my screaming child, it's rude to think so!
Right, you leave, but I am gathering you leave with a negative attitude about it, the feeling the other people are *wrong*. ???

I guess, when I read yoru post, I thought of a lot of things. I thought abot how we try to avoid peanut containing snacks/treats in public in case anyone with nut allergies will pass by and go into anaphyliactic shock (had a coworker and roomie like that). I sometimes feel weird wearing pants, because with so many Amish around us, I tend to feel like some sort of hussy in a tank top and capris. I can't say "Merry Christmas" anymore without wondering if I will offend people. Forget about perfume, people have chemical sensitivies I could aggravate (went to a church with a plicy on that!) and now... if my toddler has a fit because he only wants to run around the store unrestrained EVERY TIME WE GO, and I make him sit in cart or my arms, I am rude not to leave.

Life is just too complicated!!!!
post #115 of 186
Quote:
Originally Posted by felix23 View Post
But you have the ability to leave and come back later, not every one can do that. People who ride the bus or depend of friends to drive them can't always do that. Some people have to continue on with a crying child if they want to have food in the house.
It's true, I do have that ability, I'm honestly not sure what I'd do if I had no way to leave a situation, I guess I just don't put myself in that situation...but, again, I have a choice, I own a car(though, dh does take public transportation), I can walk to and from a couple grocery stores if I really want to (though, this is a recent occurance, like with in the last year-18 months)...

I know my mom was a single parent, and we lived in a SMALL town, grocery shopping for more than just the things that could be bought at the corner store/party store happened once a month, but she always got my grandparents, a friend, a cousin, someone to go with us...my brother has aspergers....he also had (thankfully he outgrew it cause it would be embarassing otherwise!) an issue of projectile vomitting at the smell of onions, so someone had to keep him out of the produce, there was just no other choice.
post #116 of 186
Quote:
Originally Posted by momma_unlimited View Post
Right, you leave, but I am gathering you leave with a negative attitude about it, the feeling the other people are *wrong*. ???

I guess, when I read yoru post, I thought of a lot of things. I thought abot how we try to avoid peanut containing snacks/treats in public in case anyone with nut allergies will pass by and go into anaphyliactic shock (had a coworker and roomie like that). I sometimes feel weird wearing pants, because with so many Amish around us, I tend to feel like some sort of hussy in a tank top and capris. I can't say "Merry Christmas" anymore without wondering if I will offend people. Forget about perfume, people have chemical sensitivies I could aggravate (went to a church with a plicy on that!) and now... if my toddler has a fit because he only wants to run around the store unrestrained EVERY TIME WE GO, and I make him sit in cart or my arms, I am rude not to leave.

Life is just too complicated!!!!
I do leave annoyed, but annoyed at the fact that we have to leave...however if it had been going on for an hour, well yea...

I do those things to, no peanuts in case someone is allergic, etc etc (and I grew up in amish country, how funny!)

But I do think there is a HUGE difference between a kid throwing a temper tantrum from being put in the cart and a kid screaming for an hour straight in a cart, huge huge huge difference...

I however can even come up with an example where there is nothing you can do... I've been locked into a store twice in my life...when a kid was missing they locked all the exits and let no one leave till the kid was found...luckily I was alone both times, but one time we stayed locked in the store for 2 hours! I've also been caught in a store (as a kid) during a tornado warning and no one was allowed to leave.
post #117 of 186
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cinder View Post
It's true, I do have that ability, I'm honestly not sure what I'd do if I had no way to leave a situation, I guess I just don't put myself in that situation...but, again, I have a choice, I own a car(though, dh does take public transportation), I can walk to and from a couple grocery stores if I really want to (though, this is a recent occurance, like with in the last year-18 months)...

I know my mom was a single parent, and we lived in a SMALL town, grocery shopping for more than just the things that could be bought at the corner store/party store happened once a month, but she always got my grandparents, a friend, a cousin, someone to go with us...my brother has aspergers....he also had (thankfully he outgrew it cause it would be embarassing otherwise!) an issue of projectile vomitting at the smell of onions, so someone had to keep him out of the produce, there was just no other choice.
Your mom is lucky that she had a big support system, not everyone has that.
post #118 of 186
How long would the kid have to scream for everyone to agree that somebody has to do something about this? 1.5 hours? 2 hours? 3 hours? The child could be in pain or have been kidnapped. You never know. It seems wrong to for everyone to just ignore the main problem and either silently or vocally bemoan the child, his parents, or the noise, or the store management, or the people who are bemoaning the child/parents/noise/management?? I mean, somebody is s c r e a m i n g , why are we as a polite society or supermoms supposed to pretend this is not happening? Parents, please ask for help. You may be surprised at the number of gentle faces and voices that come to your aid.

I asked in another thread how could a stranger help in such a situation, particularly aimed towards those mothers who have kids with spectral disorders. If a stranger offered to help in the midst of a meltdown, what would you say?
post #119 of 186
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sionainne View Post
How long would the kid have to scream for everyone to agree that somebody has to do something about this? 1.5 hours? 2 hours? 3 hours? The child could be in pain or have been kidnapped. You never know. It seems wrong to for everyone to just ignore the main problem and either silently or vocally bemoan the child, his parents, or the noise, or the store management, or the people who are bemoaning the child/parents/noise/management?? I mean, somebody is s c r e a m i n g , why are we as a polite society or supermoms supposed to pretend this is not happening? Parents, please ask for help. You may be surprised at the number of gentle faces and voices that come to your aid.

I asked in another thread how could a stranger help in such a situation, particularly aimed towards those mothers who have kids with spectral disorders. If a stranger offered to help in the midst of a meltdown, what would you say?
Good point.
post #120 of 186
Earplugs. Easier for an individual to use than for frazzled parents to handle grocery shopping, a grumpy toddler and whatever else is going on in their lives that we, noise-sensitive strangers, are not privy to.
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