Need Practical Help...Violent Nephew.

[KurumiSophia]

The title pretty much says it all. My DH and I watch his older sister's 3 kids every other week. (the off weeks, the younger 2 are at their father's.) The eldest is a decent kid about 70-80% of the time. The other 20-30%...well, he's disrespectful, violent, and generally a complete handful. He'll only respond to a physical restraint of some kind but his mother is very disapproving of that. She says we're to get very close to him, tell him he's wrong, and that he needs to calm down, than give him a few minutes to chill and calmly talk it out with him. We've tried. It simply doesn't work, he'll ignore us and keep on doing whatever the heck it is he wants to do.

While he does have ADHD and a mood disorder (no, I don't know what kind), it doesn't excuse his behavior. His mother swears this is just normal teenage stuff but, IMO, this is *way* beyond that. No "normal" teenager I know flies off the handle over the smallest things and will hit his siblings for no discernable reason.

What in the world can we do? While books are nice, I need real practical solutions that I can impliment in the immediate.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

When I worked with emotionally disturbed teenagers, we removed people and dangerous things (left the room) and let the child calm down before we returned. An adult stayed in earshot.

[phathui5]

Is he being treated for the ADHD and mood disorder? Could you ask his mom to have the psychologist send a letter covering what to do with him?

[KurumiSophia]

Originally Posted by phathui5

Is he being treated for the ADHD and mood disorder? Could you ask his mom to have the psychologist send a letter covering what to do with him?

He's in therapy but nothing regarding anger management, etc. as his mom makes too much for assistance but not enough to afford the more expensive things like the anger management, etc. I'll ask her about the psych letter.

[LynnS6]

I would get "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene.

[phathui5]

Can you call them to come pick him up when he's violent? I do childcare, and if I had an older kid acting out in a violent way, I would be calling the parents to come get them.

I understand that you want to help, but I wouldn't want to inflict this on my own kids. So he would only be allowed here when he's got himself under control.

[KurumiSophia]

Originally Posted by phathui5

Can you call them to come pick him up when he's violent? I do childcare, and if I had an older kid acting out in a violent way, I would be calling the parents to come get them.

I understand that you want to help, but I wouldn't want to inflict this on my own kids. So he would only be allowed here when he's got himself under control.

We can't. She's a single mom and simply cannot take time off work every time he flies off the handle. We watch the kids in her home so we can't exactly kick him out, yanno?

[theresal]

Check out the resources at www.consciouslyparenting.com - articles, audios, a forum, teleclasses and coaching.

Apart from their general parenting resources, they have a lot of experience with dealing with children with challenging and even violent behaviors. They offer strategies to deal with the behavior in the moment (taking into consideration that the behavior is expressing an underlying need, trauma or issue that is being triggered) as well as offering strategies to help kids manage these triggers, which would be taught when the child is calm and regulated. They utilize the paradigm set forth in the Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control book by Heather Forbes and Bryan Post.

An simplified version of their approach would be for the adult to focus on staying present through breathing and other strategies, since the adult's ability to regulate can assist the child in regulating. Staying close is helpful, if the child tolerates it, as is staying at or below their level, so as to not appear threatening. You would focus on listening, being attuned to their feelings, validating the feelings behind the behavior. In calmer moments, you could then discuss alternative ways they could have expressed their feelings, but in the moment, that would be unproductive and neurologically impossible. The approach is based in neuroscience and is explained well in layperson's terms.

If the simplified version resonates at all, get the book and sign up for the teleclass - one starts on Wednesday night.

Good luck to you!
Theresa

[Tuesday]

Originally Posted by KurumiSophia

While he does have ADHD and a mood disorder (no, I don't know what kind), it doesn't excuse his behavior.

Well, his diagnosis doesn't excuse his behaviour but it certainly might contribute to it! Don't compare this boy to what is 'normal' - he is obviously not in that range. Period. It doesn't matter what 'normal' is, when you deal with him.

My own son is younger and without a diagnosis but I've completed a course based on Ross Greene's techniques (author of Explosive Child) and it was very helpful. I second the recommendation of reading the book. It will help - it is a good resource.

I've also worked with emotionally disturbed children and found it effective to give the teen some cooling off space. (A suggestion already stated.)

You want to help this child learn to regulate his emotions and reactions. You should try to do colloborative problem solving as well. Check out the Greene book.