1st time on this forum, help me out ladies

[JamieCatheryn]

If someone else told me they were feeling like I am I'd have them seek help for possible PPD. So, lemme talk here first.

Had my second boy just shy of 6 weeks ago. I'm exhausted. He sleeps fine just a couple feeds during the night usually no crying. Cries sometimes during the day when he's full, burped, and changed, goes on til he falls asleep. Sleeps only in my arms during the day. He's too young for a back carry. But I have to clean and cook and take care of my 3 year old. I feel utterly panicked trying to do it all. And the 3 year old keeps doing these horrible things without any remorse, I try to talk to him about it and he just makes rude sounds at me. Yesterday he locked us out of the bedroom, diapers were in there, I had to have DH buy a tool on the way home hours later to get back in. Today he squeezed out an entire tube of cortizone and emptied a can of shaving cream and dumped out the tarragon. I raised my nephew from age 3 to age 7 (when I was 13 to 17) and he's a mess now at 12, his first 3 years were terrible before he came to us and I did my best when I had him, he was and is a sociopath and kleptomaniac. I'm feeling like I can't raise kids, they turn out heartless and evil because of me. I shouldn't have these ones, they should go to someone else, or I should try to get a job the pays enough to break even hiring a nanny to raise them. I'm not eating well, I don't have time to cook for myself during the day (no time in the evening either but no choice I have to feed DH well). I'm getting what used to be enough but I'm bfing now. I'm obsessing over if my house isn't clean and lawn isn't mowed CPS will take my children, so if DS2 is going to cry he just has to cry I need to get things done or else I'll loose both of them. I've never been investigated but I know people who have and temporarily lost their kids with no cause or evidence.

I know when hormones mess me up (PMS and late pregnancy for instance) I act like this, I take small real issues and make huge illogical things of them. Like I said I'm 6 weeks PP, BFing, no cycles yet I did notice attempted fertility signs last week but doubt it actually resulted in ovulation. I think I'll go back on flax and see if the efa's help any. I need to get on top of things again and bring DS1's discipline issues back into proportion, and have patience with DS2's crying fits.

[K-Mom3]

I've been there. The stress if 2 is much different than the stress of 1. My experience was that post partum, my toddler was much more difficult (as you would expect) and on top of it, I didn't have my normal packet of mama tools at my disposal--patience, creativity, even-temperedness--because of depression. Those 2 things together equals one chaotic household. I definitely wanted to escape.

So, you may want to consider medication. Supplements, nutrition, exercise, personal time, etc. can be really helpful too. Read up on the options and create a plan of action for taking care of yourself.

Taking care of myself did a LOT to solve the discipline problem. Before that, though, I was explaining to my DH one day how my depressed brain could not figure out what to do in all these tense situations with ds and he suggested that we write down some options during a calm time (this was after he was in bed) so that, for example, the next day when I was nursing and ds wanted attention, I could look at my written list and maybe actually do something about the problem before it escalated. Same thing for snacks. Plan to have x number of snacks per day and have a list of quick options. Especially good if it is something ds1 will eat because then he's taken care of while you eat. I did a lot of apples with peanut butter, cottage cheese and crackers, leftovers from dinner, etc. You gotta eat, mama!

Thinking that you can't be a good mother--that sounds like depression talking. If it gets resolved by taking meds, you're good. If not, definitely see a therapist. You need to work through that. I highly recommend taking a parenting class, too. A lot offer childcare. Most parents could use a parenting class but if you have these doubts, you especially need it. It could really help boost your confidence as a mother.

[JamieCatheryn]

I talked to DH about it last night and he spent a few hours criticizing my discipline of DS1 and called his mother to do the same. They say I need to praise him exorbitantly for specific little things all day long and to spank him and give him formal time-outs as punishments. He's missing the point, I could handle him appropriately if I had any energy and if I didn't have my hands so full at the time he was trying to do something wrong. If I can just keep DS busy and keep him feeling like he has a fair amount of attention he'll act better. And when he does do wrong I can do more than just correct him and let him run away, I can give him logical consequences and gain some respect back by not getting distracted or melting down. Surely it's not just who I am that ruins children, it's either just how he is at this stage or it's something I'm doing, it can't really be hopeless.

Personal time and medications aren't options. I can't just leave my kids alone and can't pay anyone. Our health insurance plan sucks the deductible is like 3k, doesn't even cover checkups at all let alone treatments for anything. DH keep digging us deeper in debt or keeping us stuck anyway, I hoped to have paid some off by now. I can't spend money. Nor can I risk side effects of medications. I think I need to get back on a well absorbed iron and B vitamin supplement for my fatigue, I heard of one that's cheaper than floridix I'll look that up again.

[K-Mom3]

I'm so sorry that your DH is being the opposite of supportive. It is really common. Mine is a little more supportive but still doesn't understand why I can't just act like myself, like a mature responsible adult. I think he thinks depression is a cop out. I'm glad you're making some plans to take supplements. I think that you have to realize, though, that supplements are only helpful with some women. If they don't help you improve you kinda have to choose--live with the depression or try meds, therapy, etc.

One more super cheap thing to try--light therapy has shown in some studies to do the same thing as anti-depressants in all types of depression. Do a little light therapy research. In the summer you can easily get it from natural light, even on rainy days. My kids always behave better if they have time outside to play anyway. It is hard to get out of the house but sometimes I even let the kids stay in their pjs, grab a ziplock bag of dry cereal and a water bottle and head out to the park or for a walk. If you're lucky enough to have a yard this is even easier.

[dot1]

Hugs and sorry to hear you're feeling badly.

Some things that stand out to me:

-see what you can do to further toddlerproof things?, e.g. high latch lock on bathroom or bedroom door not reachable by moving a chair, or lock things up in cupboards...for now anyway...It's pretty hard to fight with a toddler/preschooler's innate need to explore their environment, and the more access there is to "tempting thing" (like tubes of cream which are just so FUN to watch come out like a little snake, and playing with locks on doors), the more you'll be setting yourself up for battles when trying to controll that innate desire to explore. Usually, creating a YES environment (where there really isn't the option to get into forbidden things) cuts down on battles. I know some people believe in the importance of teaching limits...but it sounds like you just need to reduce the stress. If ds gets upset about things being locked away, you can just tell him that when he learns to listen better, he'll be allowed to access the bathroom (or whatever other places there are). If he breaks the rules, then lock things up again.

-Ditto the light therapy: Absolutely free. Proven by research. And your babe needs vitamin D anyway. Take your sunglasses off outside in the earlier part of the morning for at least 15 minutes. Does ds like playing in the park? Do you have one nearby? Try not to use the park as a reward for behaviour as you'll do yourself out of an important part of your day. Some proponents of "unconditional parenting" may not like this approach...but if getting back home results in a battle, I've found that by saying "If there's no whining and no crying when it's time to leave, then we can eat chocolate chips when we get home." Rewards can be phased out...I have no problem with them if they work...as real life is full of them. In the adult world we don't call them "natural logical consequences" (e.g. pay raise so we can buy more nice things or treats), even though that's what they really are....

- You were 13 raising a 3 yr old. Wow - that's an incredible responsibility! I don't know any teenagers who are equipped to do what you did. I think it's amazing you even did that in the first place. Remember how crucial those first 3 years of life are, and if you took over at 3, like you say there's a lot that happened that you couldn't control. You did the best you could with what you had. You're in a very different situation now. I think it's a sign of a wonderful mom who reaches out in a forum like this.

-Please reach out in the community and look for some parenting courses or support networks. It's never a sign of weakness, and I'm not commenting on whether it's needed for you...but if you're doubting yourself, then I would say it's a must! Every parent can benefit, regardless of age and experience. Not sure of your local resources, but in our area there are a lot of non-profit organizations that offer free workshops, that often includes childcare. Some programs will work with you and your child onene. Surround yourself with good role models.

Please let us know how you're doing

Take care

[JamieCatheryn]

We're doing ok, had a busy weekend the in-laws were in town for a visit. I started doing time outs to give DS a chance to reset and move out of his troublemaking streaks and give me something to do in response so I'm not at a loss. Tailored logical consequences are just too much for me to deal with doing sometimes. I was just having a streak of bad days last week or so I think. It's easier to notice the positive when I'm not spiraling into it ya know? And I've had people around for a few days.

We have no park or a car but we have our own backyard and it's pretty good. The veggies are producing so I get out there to harvest every day (very satisfying btw, to get food we grew, tasty too).