4 year old biting, hitting and pinching

[SkylarVT]

My DD recently turned four and we are going through a really rough patch together. DD is very bright and active and has been a "spirited/high needs" person her whole life. She was alert and could turn her head to look at people on the day she was born. We have always tried to respect her strong emotions while teaching her to calm herself down enough to express herself in an acceptable way. She has always had a tendency to scream, hit and cry instead of explaining how she is feeling or asking for something. For example, when she was a baby she used to run up to me screaming and then bash me repeatedly with her sippy instead of just asking for more water, (she could speak whole paragraphs at 12 months old).
This is not working and I have go idea what to do. DD runs away in stores, and hits and bites me anytime something doesn't go her way. She wanted to go to the park tonight and we told her we couldn't and she bit me so hard that I have a huge welt on my stomach that is already bruising. We have tried talking to her and using GD, and we have even tried time outs. I don't know what to do next. She us so impulsive that it's like we are just going from one freak out to the next and DH doesn't even want to take her places in public anymore. DH thinks we should spank and I am totally against it, but he wants a plan on what we should do when she hits or bites, (or head butts, or pinches). Any ideas?

[NellieKatz]

We had this problem with our 6-year old (only) son. Like your child, he is extremely bright and verbal, and is also the type to run off in public places. Extremely confident and independent. But the hitting and biting used to mystify me; not so much any more.

I realized that although we didn't spank him, we provoked him regularly by reacting angrily to his "misbehavior" (I put that in quotes because sometimes it was actual misbehavior, but other times it was merely age-appropriate but annoying behavior, or we were asking something of him he couldn't comply with at his age, etc.). Being an independent and confident child, of course he'd "fight back" when mom or dad were acting like bullies. He was reacting angrily because we had taught him how! [And not only that, I've heard that a parent who reacts in anger seems to the child to be not-in-charge. And the child feels intense anxiety when the parent's being rattled. The child needs the parent to be in charge, to keep her safe when her own emotions are running high & feel scary.]

I've gone into this in other posts, but to sum it up, I was raised by an angry dad who was very strict; all misbehavior was met with anger and sometimes more. It never really dawned on me until recently that it wasn't the child's job to behave so as not to incur parents' anger.....it was OUR job to gently TEACH this newly-arrived-on-earth person who hadn't a clue and was looking to us for guidance as to what he SHOULD do. See the difference? So here he was being a normal little kid and we're expecting him (as most old-fashioned parenting methods would dictate) to just "obey." Fall into line, do as we say. We're the parents, that's why.

I have spent quite a bit of time observing other parents in our local group. Parents whose kids are sweet, gentle and happy. I wanted to know....how did they "get their kids to behave"? Well duh! Kids WANT to be taught how to behave. They want to make us happy and proud. But no kid feels happy and good about himself when he's constantly told: do this, stop that, go to time out, no treat for you....(i.e. endless stream of orders & punishments). It results in low self esteem and more anger, which makes proper behavior nearly impossible.

Ever since *I* have stopped bossing him around and have begun gentle/firmguidance style parenting, he has MOSTLY stopped lashing out. Not always. So, to make a long story short (too late for that!), I'd say, (and I don't know about your parenting; I'm basing advice on my own experience) try and look at what you might be doing to set her off. If she's very intelligent and intense, she's probably going to be very sensitive to what you do. Also, sensitive to what you'll put up with. My son occasionally tries to hit me when he gets very frustrated, and (as I explained in a different post about controlling temper), I just have learned to stay steady, deflect the blows, stay calm, don't react emotionally (and that means facial expression too; maintain calm eye contact)-- just be like a peaceful rock. Don't get her what she wants until she stops coming at you with her hands and ASKS for it. You want to teach her that she'll get the water, or whatever, when she asks you properly for it. I know it's painful; I have had my share of scary raised bite marks. But this too shall pass. :-)

I think that arbitrary punishments don't teach a child as much as this firm limit-setting does. You must show her what you will, and will not, put up with. I totally know what you mean about not wanting to take her out in certain places. I still struggle with it. But my son now knows that if he doesn't behave like a human being in the store or wherever, he will not get the special privileges that HE values, like going to the special play-place, the park, etc.

[And I say all this assuming that you've ruled out dietary reasons for the intense volatile behavior? I have heard other parents say that food colorings, chemical additives and sugar can make their kids act up. Just a thought.]

Best of luck. Oh, and to your DH I would say - No spanking. It just teaches your daughter that because you're bigger & more powerful, you get to win. And it's mean, in my opinion. I think it will just make her angry and harm the bond of love and trust between you (i.e. dad) and your daughter.

Yes, totally unsolicited advice, but from one who was spanked by Dad & feared him all my life. Thanks for listening & realize that (a) I really don't know your whole situation and (b) I'm pretty sleepy....busy day!! So no offense was intended in any of all that.
:-)

[SkylarVT]

Thanks, yes to clarify I WILL NOT allow DH to spank DD at all. I think he is just very frustrated by the meltdowns and want to "do something" to fix it. I think he thinks that if he spanks her once all off the bad behavior will just disappear. I have been trying to tell him that I don't think DD's behavior will improve if he spanks, but it will hurt their relationship and mine with her as well since she will see me as not protecting her. Plus there is the added stupidity of "don't hit me or I will hit you."
I also feel very fortunate that you responded to my post. We have had a very hard month, (lots of stressful things one after another), and I think that I am so burnt out by all of it that I am reacting less than gently and therefor triggering the behavior. DD is a very intense little person and sometimes I get so wrapped up in needing to just get on with the next thing that I snap at her or raise my voice when she is doing something that I know she knows she is not supposed to do, (like pushing her brother or pulling his hair). It totally makes sense that this would make her lash out. I will work on being much more calm.
One question though . . . I have been resisting taking away privileges like the park when she misbehaves at the store because my concern is that it will ruin her whole day and I feel like I am being punitive. Am I not thinking about that the right way? I feel like if I took away fun outings for not listening at the store, etc., she would never get to go anywhere.

[NellieKatz]

I have another post to add to this discussion, but that will have to wait until later when I have more time. To quickly answer your question in the meantime (your last sentence), I will answer it by asking....

You said "I feel like if I took away fun outings for not listening at the store, etc., she would never get to go anywhere."

My question (for you to ponder) is: "Why? Do you think she can't learn this?"

That's a tough one & it might hurt that I even asked it. I face the same question right now, as my son faces the opportunity at Kung Fu....the trial classes are ending, and they will soon ask us: Will he sign up for the full program? He's lousy at it right now. To get to the black belt level will require lots of work on his part. Right now he has no discipline about it; his arms and legs flail wildly......and there is the tiniest voice in my head, if I'm being honest, that wonders: CAN he ever achieve such a difficult goal? And how horrifying is it to me, to realize that I doubt my child's abilities this way? And how much of that doubt can HE perceive? [answer: LOTS] By keeping his goals low and asking less of him, aren't I just saying nonverbally "I don't think you can handle the hard stuff." The Kung Fu teacher is wonderful. He has no such emotional baggage. He assumes each child CAN do it, and his confidence in them drives them forward.

You can see I am leaning toward signing my son up for the full program. :-)

I wish I had more time to write. But dishes beckon. I'll check in later with a funny story that relates to all this.

[SkylarVT]

So I spent a lot of time thinking about this last night and I have more clarity now. While trying to figure out what has been going on to make her Fuse become much shorter lately I think I really hit on two things 1) My little guy was really sick for two weeks and just started feeling better last weekend. She has really been getting the short end of the stick since I am her primary caregiver and I was busy dealing with the baby screaming and throwing up every five minutes. The last time he was sick I was able to have Mommy/Daughter time while the baby was sleeping. This time he was so sick that he had to sleep on me so she didn't get any time with me at all. She also got way more TV time than normal while DS was sick. 2) I have had a shorter fuse with her, (and in general). I am normally pretty calm and I am sure that my short fuse was setting off her short fuse. She hates when I am directive with her instead of explaining why she needs to do whatever.
Today I really made a point to do lots of things that are just fun for her and just drop the errands. I was also more mindful of speaking gently when I felt that she needed to be corrected. She was a lot more happy and she only had one minor meltdown when DH said that she could not have a toy. The meltdown was not nearly as bad as they have been though. I think this approach will improve things a lot. Thank you for the gentle reminder that her behavior reflects mine.

[phathui5]

I have been resisting taking away privileges like the park when she misbehaves at the store because my concern is that it will ruin her whole day and I feel like I am being punitive. Am I not thinking about that the right way?

If she's being mean at the store, I would head home from there and have her spend some time alone in her room. I wouldn't take a child who's hitting and pinching to play at the park. I have explained to my children that when they are being unkind, other people don't want to be around them.

[NellieKatz]

I've enjoyed this conversation; thank you for your feedback!

Now, as promised, today's lesson from our household :-)

At about 9 a.m., after he had enjoyed his morning rituals (lolling about on the couch lazily, then watching a mini YouTube video about squids & octopuses, and then his breakfast), I said "OK, lessons are going to be at 10:00 today, so you've got plenty of time to play in your room first (which he loves to do).

He chose instead to squander a lot of time following me around, watching a YouTube crafting video with me, then searching for his shoes to run out and get the mail, etc etc.

Soon, 10 a.m. came and I said "Time for lessons."

He began to cry and say that he had BARELY started playing!!!!!! He had no time to play!!!!! His first instinct was to reach out and grab me on the breasts. I instantly said what I always do when he grabs and hurts me, which is "Our You-and-Me playtime [we always do it right after lessons] is now cancelled; I do not play with people who hurt me." [that's my way of showing him what I won't put up with; what my personal boundaries are] I spent a few minutes deflecting blows until I realized that if I deflected hands, he kicked, and when I deflected kicks, he grabbed or hit [he's apparently been watching those octopus moves!]......so I calmly announced (as I turned him away from me and wrapped my arms around him and began to transport him down the hall). "I'm putting you in your room so I can be safe." I deposited him in there and shut the door. Within 30 seconds I heard him playing in there and realized that (a) he had calmed down and (b) he was playing, which is what he wanted to do all along instead of lessons. So I opened the door and announced "Time for lessons."

He balked a lot, but we not only got through the lessons but I used the time to review "how to be a good student", which is to Listen, Try his best, Respect Mama & himself, etc. Throughout lessons, he kept asking to get the Him & Me playtime back. or "Maybe Daddy will play with me when he gets home" "How can I get it back?" I said "We will talk about that after lessons. First, let's stay on track." [I could see that he wasn't "getting it" and it was still all about who could get HIM his playtime, and he was missing the point yet again about hitting being unacceptable.]

When lessons were done, I said "OK, let's go sit on the couch and talk." I explained to him that he wanted to get Playtime with me back, but that was not going to happen for today. I do not play with people who hurt me. I repeated to him that every day, Playtime IS a regular part of our schedule right after lessons, but when he hurts me (when he gets emotional and frustrated during lessons) then he loses the Playtime.

So. After our talk I said... "Now, I've got some Mama things to do, like dishes and cleaning the bedroom."

He replied, "OK, I'll let you."

To which I corrected calmly, "I don't need your permission to take care of my Mama duties."

And the quote of the day, he said: "Well, you know sometimes I can get so challenging I get control of things. You know that, right?"

LOLOLOL!!!!! And there you have it. In a NUTSHELL. He attempts to get control of things by being challenging. And therein is MY challenge. I need to not get derailed. What I want to accomplish (i.e. Mama tasks) MUST get done and not derailed by him. If he delays my getting my work done, then it will be HIM who loses something, not me. He cannot walk around with the idea that if he is challenging enough, he can control the situation.

I am so grateful to him for telling me this so eloquently himself! :-)

[mystic~mama]

this thread is like a gold mine of info for me! thx mamas, I have a 7 y.o dd would acts out and I think this thread will be helpful for us.