please please help me finish my reminder poster

[alleybcat]

I am having a crisis of gentle discipline around here. I won't go into too much details right now, as time only permits me a few minutes at a time on the internet right now.

I am writing a poster to remind my husband and myself of the gentle discipline ideas we WANT to live by. We have a 3 year old son and a 8 month old son.

Here is what I have so far:
We WILL NOT: yell, scream, hit, bribe, threaten, or swear!
Calm down, take a few deep breathes or walk away.
Then: find a creative solution, offer assistance, explain family rules,

here is where I am stuck. I totally don't remember/know how to handle anything anymore. I really do feel lost. My 3 year old regularly ignores us, pushes his brother, dumps things around and won't clean them, etc.

What other options do I have to deal with disruptive, violent, frustrating behavior without yell, screaming, hitting, bribing, threatening, or swearing???

[Code Name Mama]

I'm trying to write a "10 Commandments for Parenting a Toddler" to stick on the bathroom mirror for dh (who doesn't have time to read parenting books with me). I'm not anywhere close to finishing it, but I know it will contain some of Alfie Kohn's "principles of unconditional parenting." Here they are (plus a little extra explanation) from his book "Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishment to Love and Reason":

1. Be reflective
2. Reconsider your requests (perhaps when your child doesn't do what you're demanding, the problem isn't with the child but with what it is you're demanding.)
3. Keep your eye on your long-term goals
4. Put the relationship first (misbehavior is easier to address, and problems are easier to resolve, when children feel safe enough with us to explain the reasons they did something wrong)
5. Change how you see, not just how you act (try to see behavior as "teachable moments" rather than infractions that call for "consequences")
6. Respect ("children sometimes know better than parents when they are sleepy or hungry; know better the qualities of their friends, their own aspirations and goals, how their various teachers treat them; know better the urges and needs within their bodies, whom they love and whom they don't, what they value and what they don't." We can't always assume that because we're more mature we necessarily have more insight into our children than they have into themselves.)
7. Be authentic (act like a real person with likes, dislikes, needs, wants, shortcomings, etc.)
8. Talk less, ask more (as a rule, our first priority is to figure out the source of the problem, to recognize what children need.)
9. Keep their ages in mind
10. "Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts."
11. Don't stick your "no's" in unnecessarily ("yes" should be the default response, such that you need a good reason not to go along with what's being proposed, or to step in and forbid something.)
12. Don't be rigid
13. Don't be in a hurry

[momma_unlimited]

For me the important thing to remember is that behaviour is not the problem, it's the symptom of the problem (much like a rash, as uncomfortable as it is, is not the problem; the body dealing with a toxic substance is the problem and the rash is a symptom of the toxicity). So my first response is:

WHY is my child doing this?

When they are really little, a lot of power struggle stuff probably boils down to feeling powerless. Through play, we can allow them to act out the powerful role. Does your child need a chance to express himself as an autonomous being, a free-willed individual..? how can you give him that chance? Just one example (power struggles) but you can apply that principle to any behaviour "symptom"....