How do you discipline?

[yasinsmama]

This is my first time visiting Gentle Discipline. I wish I would have read this area as religiously as I did the breastfeeding forum.
I know I do not want to spank. DH was beaten, and I was spanked a lot. It just turns my stomach to even think about spanking ds. i know I didn't learn anything from being spanked, other than I really didn't like my mom at those times she was hitting me. People have already asked me if I "pop" him. He's only 14 months. How do I start disciplining him? My family are all spankers, and I am already prepared for the "well, if you'd spank him" comments. Any books on this subject you could reccomend? Or any tips? Thanks.

[momma_unlimited]

Easy to love, difficult to discipline (Becky Bailey)
Playful Parenting
Raising our Children, Raising Ourselves-Anything by Naomi Aldort....

I am no expert on discipline... half the time I'm very confused since I have no GD role models in real life.

But, I think modelling self-control and self-discpline (and talking through your own struggles in these areas), addressing (not ignoring or excusing) behaviour that is not ok with you, and removing your child from a space or situation that is not working out, is a good start...

[Sasharna]

If your family is full of spankers, I would recommend being extra careful not to place unreasonable expectations on your little one. For example, if he doesn't do well in restaurants, church, or grandma's house full of fragile knick-knacks... don't take him there! I used to try to take my firstborn out places that he was not developmentally ready to be in, then everybody would say I ought to spank him or otherwise shame him into "behaving".

It's awesome you're looking into this while your child is still so young. My favorite books are Unconditional Parenting and Positive Parenting. I wish I'd read them, along with Aldort's book, before my first was born.

[yasinsmama]

Thanks mamas. I'll check those books out.

[ssh]

At 14 months redirection is the most useful tactic. Basically you take away the thing you don't want your DS to have an substitute an appropriate object. With climbing in dangerous ways, you move your DC to a safer place and say "dangerous, climb here instead". With pinching, hitting, or biting you say "owie, touch gentle". Stroke his little hand softy and repeat "gentle". It's more effective to tell your DC what he can do instead what not to do. For example using "that's dangerous", "you can climb/jump here instead", "throw balls, throwing hard toys can hurt " are better than 'stop' or 'don't'. I've read that LOs often focus on the last words you say, so when you say "don't jump on the couch" they hear "jump on the couch".

The only books I've read and liked are Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Kurcinka, The Science of Parenting: Practical Guidance on Sleep, Crying, Play and Building Emotional Wellbeing for Life by Margot Sunderland , Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen (for older kids), How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber (older kids). I've heard of a lot of other books that are probably good. There are some listed in the resources sticky in this forum.

As for how to respond to relatives, "this works for us" or "that's not a topic I discuss" and smile, then talk about something else. People can't argue with you if you won't talk about it. When you feel confident about discipline methods you can say " We're teaching DS by example that's why we're gentle and respectful toward him" if you think the person would be receptive.

[phathui5]

We do a lot of teaching. Try to keep in mind that "discipline" comes from the word "disciple," which means to teach.

We're very firm with our kids about the things they may not do, but being firm doesn't mean hitting them. I do believe you can be gentle and still be in charge.

[kiwiva]

I agree that at that age discipline is mostly about redirection. It is great if you can change your thinking about discipline, as "teaching and guiding" rather than as "punishment." Remembering how being hit made you feel, I think, will be helpful for you to be able to use more effective methods. I wasn't hit but I grew up in a very authoritarian yelling home and that is NOT what I want for my DD.

And knowing about what is age appropriate is SO helpful. If you know that repeatedly throwing her food on the floor, for ex, is a totally normal developmental stage, it is much easier not to see it as your kid trying to drive you crazy and in need of punishment. That gets you into a you vs kid mentality which tends to not be so productive. There are recommendations elsewhere of books that discuss what is normal behavior for the different ages.

I am reading "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" right now. That may be a good place to start. It's about communication with kids, and at 14 mos much of it may be for a little later, but the skills are so helpful and never too soon to start thinking about I think. There is a good discussion on punishment. It is also a quick read and easy to absorb (lots of examples, not just theory). I also liked Unconditional Parenting and Playful Parenting. They give you a lot of new ways to think about discipline.

[elizawill]

Originally Posted by phathui5

We do a lot of teaching. Try to keep in mind that "discipline" comes from the word "disciple," which means to teach.

We're very firm with our kids about the things they may not do, but being firm doesn't mean hitting them. I do believe you can be gentle and still be in charge.

i fully agree. when my kids were little i would redirect them when necessary, teach them with opportunity, help them find words to manage their emotions, etc. i still do this actually. as they've gotten bigger, i also teach them to take responsibility. for example, last night my kids purposefully dumped popcorn on the floor in their bedroom (they know this isn't okay -but threw it everywhere having a "popcorn fight"). i didn't yell or freak out. instead i talked to them. today they were responsible for vacuuming it up and cleaning the room by themselves. there was no shaming or punitive punishments. but it was their responsibilty.

[frontierpsych]

My son is 10 months old, so it's all redirection at this point.