We need a better strategy than "go to your room."

[carfreemama]

We have one dd, 5.5 years old. Generally there have never been any behavioural problems, other than run-of-the mill stuff. We get along great and really enjoy dd. We've never really done anything like time-outs and have never taken privileges away. I think we lean more towards unconditional parenting-type stuff.

However, dd can occasionally be rude to us. If she doesn't like something we say, like no to (more) ice cream, she will sometimes cross her arms, stamp her foot and say "hmph" in a really obnoxious voice. Today she stuck out her tongue at me. Besides repeating no more ice-cream, I sent her to her room for a few minutes. At first, she tried to say she was "really sorry," but she clearly wasn't and I made her go.

I don't really think "go to your room" solves anything, I'm just not sure what else to do. I don't feel I should just ignore rudeness. This is about as bad as it gets and it's only occasional. But it's not okay. She's usually pretty well behaved. I'm just confused, I guess, because dh and I are not interested in "punishment," but sometimes it seems like we need to do something. We're just not sure what. What do you do if you don't like a behaviour, but you don't want to take away privileges or do time-outs?

[Magella]

Weeeell, this is probably not helpful but when it comes to things like crossing arms, stamping feet and saying "hmph!" I just ignore it at the time. My answer stands, and I'm not going to engage any further. Really, this is 5 year old behavior that will pass (eta: and if she's doing it, she's likely not only expressing her feelings about it but also trying to keep me engaged in negotiations). And then it'll come back because kids do sometimes do this, it doesn't permanently go away no matter how you address it (though, to clarify, I do think they outgrow it eventually). I don't think "hmph!" and a stomp is a big deal. I might later on let her know that there are other ways to say she didn't like my answer, or other ways she might ask me to reconsider. Depends on the kid, and the issue.

As for sticking out her tongue, I would probably simply say "You're angry. I understand. I do not like it when you stick your tongue out at me. I expect you to be more respectful." and leave it at that. At some neutral time, if I really felt it necessary, we could have a talk about how people feel when we stick our tongues out at them, and brainstorm other ways of expressing ourselves.

A really good book that could help is Raising A Thinking Child by Myrna Shure, which is all about helping kids learn problem-solving, communication, emotional, perspective-taking, and empathy skills. It's just got some really good activities for helping kids learn this stuff, so that they have more in their toolboxes than sticking out tongues and stamping feet.

[carfreemama]

Thanks, Magella, that was really helpful. The book sounds exactly like the kind of thing I've been looking for. I just wasn't sure if this behaviour was one I could just do the "this is how I feel when..." things. The tongue-sticking-out just feels so BRATTY. But I like reflecting it back to her as her way of being angry with me and I DEFINITELY want to let her know that's okay.