PPD, or am I just worn out?

[Everrgreen]

My DS is almost 6 months old and my problems have only started recently. So I'm not sure if this is even ppd, or I'm just worn out. DH works *a lot* in the summer. He's usually gone before I wake up and home after I've gone to bed. I have no family in the area or friends. We just moved here for his job. My DS has never been a great sleeper, and his inability to sleep makes me really annoyed and angry. When I have to go back in to nurse him back to sleep for the 5th time in an hour I get so angry. I have thoughts of hurting him. I would never actually hurt him, but it's scary to have those thoughts. How can I have so much anger towards this baby who I love so much? Tonight has been very bad. He just wouldn't stay asleep, I even tried to let him cry, but he was crying so hard I went and got him. I didn't really care though, I just got him cause he was so angry. I put him in his highchair, he's sitting there now (not crying). I honestly couldn't care less. I'm so fed up. Ugh... Just typing this out has made me realize how awful I am. I'm embarrassed to even post this. I don't even know what I can do about this. I can't change the situation.

[SunShineSally]

I do not have PPD and did not with my Ds I have prenatal depression. But my sister had PPD and this sounds a lot like a conversation we had down to the feelings and thoughts.

[nicole.schwartz]

I'm so sorry that you haven't received more support. I'm sure that it was difficult to type out the things that you wrote.

I can't diagnose you but I can tell you that PPD doesn't have to begin at the birth of your baby. It can start later. It certainly sounds like you have a lot going on in your life right now and you're not feeling like yourself. The scary thoughts of harming yourself and/or your baby are a symptom of depression, not an indicator that you're a bad person or a bad mother. It is terrifying to have these thoughts and to feel the anger.

I'd encourage you to seek some sort of support. Something that works for you. Find a postpartum adjustment group, go to La Leche League meetings, schedule playdates in the community (I am much nicer when I'm in public). It is really important to get rest too.

Regardless of whether your depression is due to the recent changes in your life or your postpartum recovery, help is available. You don't have to be alone with your feelings.

I'll be thinking of you.

[nicole.schwartz]

I wanted to add that you could take a look at this checklist if you're still questioning if you're experiencing PPD or not.

[Autumn Breeze]

mama!

Do you co-sleep at all? I can't diagnose you either, I think you should at least talk to your GP about it, and ask about a referral just incase.

But honestly you sound worn out and stressed out! I know for me getting up at night to go into the childs room, pick them up, nurse/rock back to sleep and put down only for them to wake up immediately was so unbelievably frustrating I would eventually just give up.

If your husband isn't opposed to co-sleeping why not take the baby to bed with you where you can side-lie nurse instead of having to wake up, get up, move to his room, nurse etc etc etc.

But please if you aren't comfortable with the turn your moods have taken please please please go see at least your GP.

[Everrgreen]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

We do cosleep. And the night wakings don't bother me once I've joined him, it's the evening stretch when I'm desperate to just have some me time and I can't. I don't want to go to bed with him at 8pm, but I end up spending most of my time in there.

I was still feeling angry when we first woke up this morning (he was squirming and kicking from about dawn until 7am when I finally realized I wasn't sleeping anyway and got up with him), but then I joined him for a morning nap and am now finally feeling myself again. And now I'm reflecting back and thinking - what is wrong with me? He's just a tiny little baby who needs me and I'm such a mean person to him. It makes me sick to my stomach. I don't want to be like that. Maybe it's just an anger management issue, if I had some ways of releasing that anger while still being there for him when he needs me.

Anyway, thank you everyone for being so supportive. I appreciate all your advice!!

[Autumn Breeze]

I totally understand that. When my daughter was about 15 months old I started experiencing depression, it wasn't my first (bipolar) but it was the first time since I'd had kids. It was really scary, and in some ways sickening. I hated that as I lay there nursing her to sleep I was wishing "hurry up and be done I don't want to be in here anymore it's bedtime and I don't want anything to do with any child until morning!"

And I would come out of her room, night after night, in tears. When I started on my antidepressants (prior to the bipolar diagnosis) when she was about 17 months I noticed some improvement, but I went into a manic episode pretty quickly and the improvement was soon lost to anxiety and I would be so incredibly anxious that she wasn't asleep (and seriously it would have only been like 10 minutes). It was very uncomfortable when I was in a calm and quiet place (in my mind) after they were asleep to think of how I had reacted. Over nothing!!

Do you get any exorcise? I'm still bipolar (of course) and medicated, but I started running this year, and I have noticed now that it's hot and I'm not running as often that it really helped with my moods.

[SunShineSally]

Just sending you a

[Everrgreen]

Another bad day, but this is no longer due to possible ppd. Last night my DH told me that he is feeling very stressed when he comes from work and he thinks I should go visit my mom for a couple of weeks to give our relationship a break. He said he is feeling very resentful and he's worried that if it continues we won't be able to save our relationship. I asked him why he was resenting me and he said he didn't know. I know his job is extremely stressful and for the past couple of weeks I've been trying hard not to nag him about anything and I don't call him at work anymore because I know he's busy. I don't know what more I can do. He said he doesn't know either. Part of me is glad that he is communicating with me, obviously that's better than letting it fester inside until he hates me. I don't know whether to feel angry or sad about this. I guess both. I don't know if I want to go visit my mom or not. I guess I should. There would be more help with DS there then I get here. So that's a bonus. I'm feeling really crappy right now

Anyway, I realize this is veering way off the topic of ppd. I just didn't feel like starting another thread elsewhere. Thanks for listening.

[Autumn Breeze]

Oh honey I'm sorry. That's not fair. But you're right, at least he's talking to you and not letting it go and letting it get worse and worse.

You can keep posting in your thread here, that's just fine.

Go visit your mom, ask your dh to call you or you two can e-mail to keep up the conversations. Get help with your son, and visit with your mom. Sometimes even a mom needs her mommy.

[SunShineSally]

Originally Posted by Autumn Breeze

Go visit your mom, ask your dh to call you or you two can e-mail to keep up the conversations. Get help with your son, and visit with your mom. Sometimes even a mom needs her mommy.

Wonderful advice! and yes us mother do still need our own mothers even more so when we have our babies! Try not to let the communication stop with your Dh